Parenting adult child with BPD

[judywhite91]

My husband and I are really struggling.  Two things that are really becoming very difficult to navigate is that our daughter (adult, 26 yrs old, lives on her own) was diagnosed when she was 22.  Now she believes she DOESN'T have BPD, but has autism, ADHD and PTSD.  She also feels that we don't support her.  The biggest support she wants is financial.  To date, between rent payments, groceries, back dated utilities, damage deposits, over due University tuitions, and many other, is around $20,000 +.
Currently she is living off of "Income Support".  Her rent is $1550.00 per month (where we live, this is pretty standard) and she gets $700 a month from income support.  She doesn't work at all as her "Autism Doctor" has told her she can't. She expects us to pay ALL her bills and says things like "good parents support their children for life"  "you go on vacation,leave me out and then expect me not to be triggered?"  "That money you say you don't have went on your new car (my car is 4 years old and I bought it to replace my 12 yr old suv) could have been used to support your child!" 
I could go on...but without going into every detail of our life (so much more has happened to us this past 2 years, I want to know....she we be doing this??  Her last text to us was so triggering that I did pay her rent....but I had to get the money to do that out of our retirement funds!  We have literally spent every last penny of our regular savings, on her bills!  I don't want her to be homeless, but I can't see to get her to understand that she needs to find more help for herself.  She needs to get a job. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Judy, my situation has some parallels.  My stepdaughter is about your daughter's age, and she was diagnosed with BPD at around the time your daughter was.  My stepdaughter's behaviors are typical of BPD:  sudden moodiness, negativity, tantrums, suicide threats/attempts, withdrawal/avoidance, temporary psychosis, etc.  As a result, her relationships are chaotic, and she has a very hard time functioning as an adult.  She blames her parents, siblings and extended family for all of her problems and her own bad decisions.  She twists fact patterns to make herself out to be a victim.  I think she is the "petulant borderline" subtype.  She is extremely demanding of others; all take and no give.  She is clinging to the past, ruminating over past "traumas" that she mostly created for herself, and she has a very hard time looking forward.  I'm not a psychiatrist, but if your daughter has this profile, I'd say it sounds just like BPD.

I think my husband enabled her for a long time, with extensive financial support, and also by shielding her from the natural consequences of her decisions.  For example, I suspect that he paid college tuition for her, several semesters, and that she quit repeatedly without informing him and yet took a partial refund.  Instead of the natural consequences of quitting school, she got play money and vacation time.  She would go on Spring Break even though she wasn't enrolled in school anymore.

What's clear to me is that my stepdaughter had to decide for herself that she needed to change.  It took two times of "hitting bottom" to get to that point.  For my stepdaughter, "hitting bottom" mostly meant a total loss of friends and academic failure (but I don't think that she was as interested in academics as in keeping up with peers).  With medications and therapy, she's doing a bit better nowadays.  But she's still underemployed, and it's so hard to see her squander her talents and my husband's retirement funds.  She repeatedly gives us the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way.  But she always comes back when she needs more money.

I fear that my stepdaughter's neediness knows no limits.  I want my husband to start enforcing more limits.  For example, I think my stepdaughter should pay for her own phone and entertainment.  However he doesn't want her to go without.  So she's barely working.  She might make $100 here and there, for example by pet sitting.  But honestly that's better than doing absolutely nothing but mope.  I'm looking for baby steps. 

[anon331312]

As parents, your obligation to your children officially end when they reach adulthood. You can give them a hand here and there and even pay for their college. But beyond that, they need to learn to fly on their own and live their own life.

There is nothing wrong with you indulging yourself to a vacation or buying a new car without paying her bills. You earned your money and deserve happiness. And as you described, you are not overflowing with money - you have to cut into your retirement funds to bail her out.

When she guilts you for your money, remind yourself that she's at the prime of her life and should be flying on her own. Many people at around that age would even start paying their parents an allowance each month as a show of appreciation for their upbringing (that includes myself and possibly you too).

As you are dealing with this situation, you should start considering the end-game for everyone - what's going to happen in 10 - 20 years? Will she be constantly siphoning off money from you? Will she turn around? Will she take care of you as you grow old and your money dwindle? Will she love you at all? It may sound utilitarian but if your daughter is a financial and emotional blackhole, I suggest you to find a therapist, draw boundaries, and cut your losses.

It will be painful, you may lose her forever, and she may even give you suicide threats, but she's an adult and despite what she said, you can't take care of her the whole life. You aren't obligated to. Your mom didn't take care of her kids for life. Neither should you. As she pull your heart strings, think of others who could destroyed by her (e.g. your partner).

[livednlearned]

judywhite91, how do you respond when she says she might be autistic?

Do you think it's possible she has ASD?

It's not that uncommon, according to the research, for both to co-exist, especially in women.

My husband and I (second marriage) have 4 kids and 3 have autism. One of them (SD26) seems to have both, which isn't too surprising given her biological mother has BPD.

How do you respond when she says what she does about money and your responsibilities?

What you choose to do or not do isn't really for anyone else to judge. Lots of families support their kids, some can't do so, others can and don't, and some kids support their parents -- it's all over the map. Some families help some kids and not others for complicated reasons.

What isn't ok is if your monetary support her puts you at financial risk, and it's also not ok if she uses guilt as a way to get her needs met, or if she bullies you in any way.

Where does her income support come from?

If she does have ASD, and she needs longterm financial support, maybe you can slow walk her into getting a proper dx (if she hasn't already) and then do what people with disabilities do when they can't work: hire an attorney to get legal protection for her disability.

Or help her find job boards for people with ASD.

Honestly, though, no matter what the suggestion, she will likely use the tool that has worked well for her so far, which is to leverage your guilt. I'm going through this myself with my own autistic adult son. I have a strong bond with him -- too strong -- and I'm learning ways to detach so I don't mistake my feelings for his, or undermine his confidence that he can solve his own problems.

Autism does complicate things but not so much that you can't retire with the financial security you intended. That has to be a boundary that's sacrosanct.

[GaGrl]

My son has Adult ADHD,, and I have suspected he is on the Autism spectrum, but none of his medical providers have advanced that as a diagnosis.

I had an investment property that he was living in, with a paying roommate. We got him state disability assistance, and he is now in a training program being paid for by the state rehab services, and he is living with us. I have rented out the investment property at a profit.

I just couldn't do it financially anymore.

My advice is to take a cold, hard look at your finances and decide the limit of your assistance.

[wavewatcher]

Hello again,
It’s been several years since I’ve posted about our BPD DD.  She’s now almost 30 and has been living on her own with her dog after leaving an abusive relationship. We (mainly me) are still financially supporting her. My husband is 76; I’m 71. We’re both still working almost full-time (self-employed) but we haven’t been able to save much and our finances/retirement are not growing. Which brings me here.
Our DD has never worked more than 9 months at any job, and that was once. She is now with a respite care company with maybe 2 child clients at most, barely making any money. She loves this job but I have no idea how long before this one will end too because she will have an episode and sabotage herself, once again. And as long as Mom and Dad pay for her she has no impetus nor reason to work any harder.  She’s been through a lot and is now non-violent and sober, but I’m having trouble seeing any hope for us financially.
My husband and her brother convinced me I should co-sign her lease, once again, for a 2 bdrm house with a large yard for her lab- $1600/month plus some bills. She swore in August she would be making enough by December at this job to pay her rent but she’s not by a long shot.
She says she can’t work a second parttime job; she’ll end up back in the hospital or cut or worse. She’s threatened suicide so many times we don’t take it seriously anymore. It’s always because of something we’ve said or haven’t done. With the last one she sent me a text video with her car running in her closed garage and a goodbye message. We sent the police out and when they showed up she was watching TV in her house.
She was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease in 2021. She takes her meds for it but often doesn’t follow the dietary restrictions, which is another way she sabotages herself. Then she has to stay home from work. She does see her therapist fairly regularly, but nothing seems to change.
She says she can’t get on disability because she CAN work but cites her mental health as reason not to work much. Catch 22?
I see a therapist, do self-care, and socialize with friends.  But I feel so stuck and resentful of this horrible BPD and the amount of money I’m spending.  I try to see it as a way to keep her from living with us, which cannot happen ever again because of her past violence.  Yet I see no end in sight. Many of my friends are retiring (or retired) and taking great vacations. I just don’t see that happening for us. I seem to be beyond empathy anymore for how it is for her; I wouldn’t wish BPD on anyone.
There’s so much more but for now I chose this thread because I need suggestions from others who have been or are in this financial nightmare.

[anon331312]

You and your husband are in your golden years and you should be spending those years enjoying while you can.

From the sound of it, your daughter is a house of cards that is propped up by your best efforts. Instead of wasting the rest of your remaining years to delay the inevitable, you should just cut the lifeline (at least most of it) and let her deal with her problems. If she does reach rock bottom, then at least she will reach it at an earlier age rather than in her 50's.

At your age, more responsible kids should be helping you and giving your hands outs.

[anon331312]

I should add that my parents are in a similar boat. My sister wants a detached house in a decent neighbourhood close to her friends and job. She also wants no debt, low monthly expenses, and ability to vacation once a year and eat out regularly. But her income just doesn't match that level of luxury so she whines, complains, and rages regularly. Then gets mad when she is offered suggestions or told to compromise.

My parents are thinking of giving her a big handout to ease her stress and complaining and I told them they must not do that. That co-dependence needs to be weaned off or she will just come back for more and more thinking she can rely on other people.

Already, she relies on me to do any tasks that she considers frustrating (e.g. changing light bulbs, assembling furniture, setting up electronics). When she moves out, I told her she's on her own. Not to sound cold but she's 3 years older than me, fully an adult, and long past due to learn adulting.

[anon331312]

> judywhite91, how do you respond when she says she might be autistic? Do you think it's possible she has ASD?
> My son has Adult ADHD,, and I have suspected he is on the Autism spectrum, but none of his medical providers have advanced that as a diagnosis.

There are overlaps between ADHD, ASD, and BPD. If it helps, I linked a Venn diagram between the 3. However, we should be very careful about armchair diagnoses: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/misdiagnosis-monday/borderline-personality-disorder-adhd-and-autism

My sister also likes to tell others that she is likely autistic instead. Personally, I don't buy that because:
1. Autism/Aspergers are often cited by people to garner sympathy and as a rationalization of their negative nature or problems in their life
2. She routinely show signs of being afraid of rejection or being abandoned. Notably, she demands constant attention and if she doesn't get it, she gets very upset.
3. She doesn't fidget, have obsessive routines, or attachment to any particular object or hobby

With that said, it's possible that your kids could be autistic but I'd suggest taking that idea with great skepticism. Chances are they just want sympathy and a convenient blame for all their problems.