Where to begin?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is the mother of my only two grandkids. I feel like she is using my love for my grandchildren to control me. My husband (her Step Dad) and I are both "afraid" of her. We do not want to do anything to upset her. She frequently will tell me when I try to have any conversation with her, that it is stressing her out. For instance, what were we doing for Christmas? Or, were there specific things she wants us to buy for the kids for Christmas? The grandkids are 3 and 4 and we moved to another state, 150 miles from our home, in order to be near them, when they moved away. They were anxious for us to move, but now that we are here, it seems almost like she doesn't want us interfering in her life. This week we helped out by taking our granddaughter to Pre-K when her Dad, who is her caretaker, was sick. Now we have offered to take the kids next Friday and keep them so my daughter and her husband can go out by themselves. This is the first time she has been nice to me in months. Can anyone on here identify with any of this and possibly give us suggestions?

[Peaches35]

My daughter is the mother of my only two grandkids. I feel like she is using my love for my grandchildren to control me. My husband (her Step Dad) and I are both "afraid" of her. We do not want to do anything to upset her. She frequently will tell me when I try to have any conversation with her, that it is stressing her out. For instance, what were we doing for Christmas? Or, were there specific things she wants us to buy for the kids for Christmas? The grandkids are 3 and 4 and we moved to another state, 150 miles from our home, in order to be near them, when they moved away. They were anxious for us to move, but now that we are here, it seems almost like she doesn't want us interfering in her life. This week we helped out by taking our granddaughter to Pre-K when her Dad, who is her caretaker, was sick. Now we have offered to take the kids next Friday and keep them so my daughter and her husband can go out by themselves. This is the first time she has been nice to me in months. Can anyone on here identify with any of this and possibly give us suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Peaches35
So many here can identify with all of what you say! This must be so painful for you especially when you have moved so far away, probably leaving your friends and your life behind in order to have a relationship with your grandchildren. Trying to walk a clear path through this situation can be like walking through a minefield.

I think it helps to understand some of the core aspects of having BPD. In my experience these are:

-   The need to be the centre of attention: when they don’t feel that they have this they can feel intense abandonment. So if they feel the grandchildren are the focus it will spark that response and they close down.
-   The need to feel in control: simple things like what is happening for Christmas can set their heads spinning

If the grandchildren are excited to see you etc, that can also set off the abandonment response. As I say it’s a minefield.

The recent events I think are an example of how things work when you are trying to relate to grandchildren of a bpd child. You took the child to prekinder TO HELP THEM; you are minding the children SO THEY CAN HAVE A NIGHT OUT.

The focus of these interactions is dd and/or her husband. I know some people would think that having to act in a way that appears to be focused on the parent is a step too far – you should be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren. But we are dealing with BPD! The steaks are high because you can be denied any contact at any time.

I can only give my opinion on this of course but from my experience I think the following are helpful – they have been to me in my situation:

Interact in a way that gives dd control: eg normal discussions about Christmas can be too much so ‘Let’s know how Christmas would work for you . . .’ as you are going out the door might work.

Be aware of moving focus from dd to the children when you are all together.

Frame things in terms of the parents’ needs: ‘If you need a break let’s know – happy to take them to the park for a while.

In my experience the long term aim would be to have the Grandchildren on a regular basis ‘to give the parents a break’.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense – and it may not be relevant to your situation. It is all from my own experience. BPD is such a complex, difficult condition. Thanks for posting and I hope you will reply when you are able.

[Peaches35]

Thank you so much for replying! I really appreciate a different perspective. My focus has ALWAYS been helping my daughter out. When the oldest was born, my daughter, who is an attorney, would come to my house two days a week and work remotely while I took care of the baby. I was saving them over $100 a day in baby sitting fees as her husband was also working at the time. I retired so I could help them out. Then they made the decision to have a second baby and have her husband stay home with the kids while she continued to work. I have heard her tell him on many occasions, that she is the "bread winner" and I cringe at the humiliation she is causing him. Once her husband took over the care, I was no longer valued, unless I could take care of both kids, which I couldn't. It was a 14 month old and an infant. As time went on, the baby was much less cooperative than the older one and even my husband and I together could not manage to take care of both. Now they are almost 3 1/2 and 4 1/2. I really resent being treated as baby sitters instead of valued family members but I try to keep my focus on the kids and having a nice relationship with them. I have also been witness to many occasions when my daughter "flips out" in front of the kids, one time at me in the car with only the older one there. I am starting to see signs of PTSD with my granddaughter and it is tearing me up. Just the consideration that this is mental illness helps me to better gauge my actions and reactions. I have considered going to a therapist to learn some techniques for dealing with this. My son, who was an alcoholic and an undiagnosed either schizophrenic or bipolar, took his own life. I sought therapy during his addiction years and again after he passed away. However, I feel in this case, it may be better to talk to other people who are dealing with this. We are taking the kids for the first time tomorrow and are focused on them having a nice day, not so much on giving my daughter a break. I am very angry at the way she treats us, so it's hard for me to want to be kind to her, although I do see the benefit for all of us if we are. Thank you again for your response. I am looking forward to learning and growing on here.

[Sancho]

Hi Peaches35
I have been thinking of you and hoping the time with your grandchildren went well. I am also daring to hope that this could be the beginning of a regular time that you and the children can look forward to – a time that’s just set in the regular routine and doesn’t need to be discussed etc.

It is a no brainer that can benefit everyone, but BPD can find ways to disrupt even the simplest of plans! You have been through so much . . .

[livednlearned]

It's so tough to focus on the relationship and communication skills when there is underlying resentment. I also found it hard to get past whether my stepdaughter was being manipulative or not. Now I realize her behaviors are instinctive, sort of like safety behaviors she's developed to protect herself. That realization alone didn't change anything but it did help me get past the resentment that built up when we lived together.

Ten years in, I would describe our relationship as one based on (my) compassionate boundaries. It took this relationship to force me to really focus on what I valued, and to not waver (which would just send confusing signals).

The tough part of this is that I had to be willing to periodically be split black. But that was happening anyway, no matter how kind I tried to be. I'm still kind, but I'm also reliably consistent about my boundaries, and after repeated testing, it seems like there might even be respect there.

I imagine it must be different when it's your biological child and there are grand kids involved that you love to pieces. If anything though, I highly recommend having a therapist to help you work through the resentment. Mine helped me find a gallows humor in our circumstances that provided a healthy outlet for what felt like an impossible situation. From there it felt easier to approach SD26 with compassion, and channel some of that frustration into taking care of myself.