Minor wBPD Running Away after Rages

[JadedEmpath]

Asking for a friend. Her son is a teenager who seems to often run away during/after a BPD rage, and then stays gone for days. When he comes home he is usually calmed down and expresses regret for what he said and for running away. It's causing him problems and the whole family a lot of stress. In the heat of the moment, though, there is no reasoning with him. Anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

How old is he, and do his parents know where he typically goes when he disappears?

Splitting is a confounding behavior. In some ways it's like a safety behavior, but of course it can lead to its own problems similar to what you mention.

It's a good sign that he has a tender cycle and can express remorse for his rage. It might be time to recognize he has a coping mechanism that everyone accepts, in the hopes it can be gradually modified. Sort of meeting him where he's at.

This might mean the family trying to identify safe places for him to go when he is enraged so he's not on the street.

[SaltyDawg]

Asking for a friend. Her son is a teenager who seems to often run away during/after a BPD rage, and then stays gone for days. When he comes home he is usually calmed down and expresses regret for what he said and for running away. It's causing him problems and the whole family a lot of stress. In the heat of the moment, though, there is no reasoning with him. Anyone else had this issue? Any advice?

JadedEmpath,

I have not had this specific issue; however, given one of the symptoms of BPD that indicates "Rapid changes in mood, lasting usually only a few hours and rarely more than a few days".  It sounds like her son, may fall within the 'rarely more than a few days' category, where his mood changes to the point where he feels like he must run-away for that period of time.

While he is raging, perhaps, only try to keep him engaged in conversation, that is targeted at validating his emotions with statements like "I see that you are incredibly upset, and this must be so frustrating for you - I am here to listen to you".  Validate, the valid, his feelings, and avoid talking about any kind of facts (unless they are valid). 

Other than trying to talk to him, I don't have a specific strategy, other than psychotherapy possibly DBT perhaps other therapy types as well.

Teens almost always have their cell phone on them at all times day or night.  If your friend owns the phone/plan, install tracking software such as Life 360 or some other software, so she can monitor him from a distance (binoculars, etc.) to make sure he is okay while he has run-away.  While this doesn't solve the issue; however, it can offer some piece of mind as to his location while he has run away to make sure he is not in harms way, and if he is, she can call the authorities, if appropriate, to get him the help that he needs.

How old is her son, if 16 or older, most jurisdictions cannot be reported, and if 18 or older that extends to all jurisdictions.  Also, if 18 or older, unless the phone is in your friend's name, legally she cannot install this software on the phone, as her son is technically an adult without her son's consent.

Depending on what kind of insurance your friend has, I suspect if he has a BPD diagnoses he has already been an inpatient at some point in time.  I would suggest that she go back to this facility, and talk to their team of professionals, for additional strategies that could help her son, and seek more intensive therapy than he is currently receiving (if any), or return to therapy -- suggest this only when he is at baseline and is being remorseful.

Good luck, and if you can expand on the details, perhaps I can offer up some more specific advice.

Encourage your friend to do self-care, and use healthy coping mechanisms during these stressful times she is going through with her son.

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

Hi Jaded,

I did have this specific issue and after years of trial and error, the correct path for us was dialing 9-1-1 and allowing it to be a police matter.

The "problem" is not that the kid gets upset and runs away, it's that the kid gets upset, runs away, and then doesn't learn that behavior like that isn't acceptable.  That changes once you're picked up by a police officer and handcuffed.  If behavior escalates, then call 9-1-1 again and report that the kid is a threat to himself or others.  That triggers a short psych hold for evaluation in a juvenile mental facility.

This sound horrific, I know, but they must use local resources to help them with this since they are not qualified.

[JadedEmpath]

Hey Everyone, thank you for the advice. These were the things that I was thinking as well, especially with the validating his feelings, the Life360, and the finding him a safe place to run to. He is 16 years old, so Life360 is an option, it's just going to be convincing him to leave it turned on. There is just so much societal pressure on the family to know exactly where he is and to have him home by the end of the night that I've been questioning my own thoughts about how they could proceed. They have tried calling the police, I agree that it would eventually extinguish the behavior if it was a hassle for him consistently every time, but the police sometimes decline to pick him up, which is frustrating.

[Pook075]

Hey Everyone, thank you for the advice. These were the things that I was thinking as well, especially with the validating his feelings, the Life360, and the finding him a safe place to run to. He is 16 years old, so Life360 is an option, it's just going to be convincing him to leave it turned on. There is just so much societal pressure on the family to know exactly where he is and to have him home by the end of the night that I've been questioning my own thoughts about how they could proceed. They have tried calling the police, I agree that it would eventually extinguish the behavior if it was a hassle for him consistently every time, but the police sometimes decline to pick him up, which is frustrating.

For my BPD kid, Life360 was life-changing and I had one simple rule- if I pay for your phone, Life360 stays turned on.  So when my kid disappeared the next time and turned it off, I suspended her phone immediately...and I got a call from her like 3 minutes later from her friend's phone- why'd you turn my phone off?

She never turned off location tracking ever again; she's 25 now and still has it on, even though she pays for her own phone.

As far as the police go, that's unfortunate...but I always egged it on as much as I could.  Teenage daughter with serious mental health problems, she's missing and could be a danger to herself or others.  The police took it seriously.

[SaltyDawg]

Jaded,

   I agree with Pook on everything he said.  Also, if her son has an android phone, you can install Google Family Link, in which you can be a bit more aggressive using admin settings to prevent it from being turned off (while the phone is on with power) and also to prevent it from being removed without a parent's approval and selectively allow time limits and which apps he can and cannot use.  Of course they can do a factory reset, but then they lose everything else they have on the phone too.

   Take care.

SD