Hi Tokiarch,
Yes, it's so frustrating that a feature of BPD is the "heels dug in" resistance to accepting responsibility.
A couple of important tools come to mind here.
One is what ForeverDad mentioned, which is
boundaries.
Real boundaries aren't ultimatums, requests of her, hopes/dreams/wishes, or things you want other people to do or be.
Real boundaries are 100% under our control, and are rules for us about what we'll accept in our lives.
You do have the
option, like FD said, of sharing your boundary verbally with her during a time when you both are regulated and calm. The nice thing, though, is that that isn't a
requirement.
Boundaries are about what we do, not what we say, explain, plead, threaten, or argue.
You can decide for yourself, ahead of time, how much of her raging you can tolerate. (Hint: I'd set the time limit pretty low. You listening to hours of her raging is not good for you
and not good for her -- it isn't helping her be healthy).
You can decide in your head, for example, a true boundary: "I am able to listen to 10 minutes of my partner being upset. After that, I will leave the room and go on a walk/go to the store/go to the library/sit in the car/be elsewhere". This is 100% under your control. Of course, if she blocks the exit, makes threats, stands behind the car, etc, then that's a different scenario and you may need law enforcement (it isn't OK to block someone from trying to leave an argument).
...
The second tool that comes to mind is
radical acceptance.
It is so, so, so frustrating and crazy-making to keep beating our heads against the wall of BPD traits and behaviors. Believe me, I know (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits and behaviors, and she married someone with many NPD traits and behaviors. Please know that
I get it -- we have a double dose of PDs to deal with).
Yet there is nothing we can do to change them. She is who she is -- and the sooner we can accept that only she can change herself, the sooner we can stop trying to change her, which is a dead end that escalates frustration.
Radical acceptance does not mean accepting abuse, or accepting that "well then I guess everything she does is just fine, then". It does mean that we stop trying to hope that
we can change them, that we accept that she is who she is right now and what I see is what I get. It's about not pretending that abuse isn't happening, not pretending that "the real her is underneath all that", etc.
We can also accept that the only persons we can change are ourselves. We have no power to change anyone else. We have to "hit rock bottom" with that acceptance before we can understand how much power we do have -- we can change our part of the dynamic, and who knows, that may change "the dance".
Her not accepting responsibility for her choices/actions is a feature, not a bug, of having BPD. This is who she is, until she decides for herself to get help for problems she thinks she has (not problems you think she has).
Not sure if you've had a chance to read
I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help by Dr. Xavier Amador? Check it out -- it's an incredibly helpful explanation of why we can't make others get help for our distress about them. And, how to partner with someone coping with mental illness to understand what they think their problems are (regardless of what we think their problems are).
...
Finally, while boundaries are to protect you,
emotional validation can help to rebuild and reconnect the two of you. Validation is intertwined with boundaries -- it's not a "one or the other" choice.
One example of how all this can work together could be here:
She will act like she’s the only person doing EVERYTHING in our lives.
The reality is far different. I provide so much in terms of money, time, and effort in our lives and marriage.
But she constantly feels like the scale is always tipped out of her favor.
Her: "I do everything in our lives. Nobody else helps, it's all me"
You (emotional validation): "Wow, that would feel exhausting". (And leave it there -- no fixing, no explanation, no arguing, no placating).
Her (option 1 is she feels connected): "Yes, I'm so exhausted, it's a lot".
at that point, you may be able to safely stay in the conversation. You haven't agreed with her "facts" but you can relate (perhaps better than she knows) to Yes, it would feel so tiring to be doing it all.
or
Her (option 2 is she continues to dysregulate): "I don't care what you think, you have no idea, I do everything for this family, you're nothing"
You: "I'm going on a walk. I'll be back later".
Nobody is helped by you receiving her abuse. You get to leave and not participate in accepting it.
...
I know this is a lot -- let's keep talking about it.
...
P.S. Two more thoughts.
One is if you aren't in the room with the therapist telling you stuff, then you're hearing your partner's take on "what my therapist said". Take it with a grain of salt.
The other is that if she has BPD, then
life itself is triggering to her. It's not like bipolar, for example, where there's a short list of triggers as far as I've heard (violent movies, caffeine, etc). So it makes sense that anything and everything can "trigger" her... because that's a feature of BPD.