Help with my son

[Bella8585]

 minutes ago
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#1
Hi,
I'm desperately needing some advice. My son who is 19 this year has bpd. He no longer lives at home but still continues to make my life a living hell. He manipulates me, compulsively lies, verbally abuses me. I just can't take anymore, I suffer with my own mental health problems and he is pushing me to the brink of not wanting to be here anymore. I feel like I need to cut ties but it feels so wrong

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TeachMePls]

Hi Bella8585. Welcome to this group. I have found it so helpful, and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders simply by reading what others are going through (I'm not crazy, or alone!!), and getting some good advice and information.
Any books or other resources you can get your hands on is good. The book Stop Walking on Eggshells has really helped to educate me on BPD and the BEST thing I remember from it are the Three C's: I didn't CAUSE it. I can't CHANGE it. I can't CONTROL it. I'm slowly removing the power she had over me (my daughter in 28) and not give her the control of "making me feel like..."
Hang in there and take care of YOU.
Good Luck!

[Bella8585]

Just to add when he lived here last year he caused myself to have a mental breakdown along with scaring my 14year old on the daily. I could never have him back to live with me. He has the most intense tantrums if I don't agree to what he wants. He abuses drugs. I just don't know what to do anymore

[kells76]

Hi Bella8585, I'd like to join with TeachMePls in wishing you a warm welcome to the site 

Like TeachMePls mentioned, reading more about BPD relationships (we have a book review section you can check out) and connecting with others going through the same thing are both so helpful to feel not alone.

My son who is 19 this year has bpd. He no longer lives at home but still continues to make my life a living hell. He manipulates me, compulsively lies, verbally abuses me.

How does he contact you? Phone, email, text, in person...?

I just can't take anymore, I suffer with my own mental health problems and he is pushing me to the brink of not wanting to be here anymore. I feel like I need to cut ties but it feels so wrong

Being pushed to exhaustion and beyond happens frequently when we're coping with pwBPD (persons with BPD). It's so overwhelming 

When you say you don't want to be here any more, what does that mean to you?

[Bella8585]

Hi thank you for the replies. He contacts me via text or calls me. I just sometimes feel suicide is the only way I'll escape the suffering but I have a daughter to think about. I ended up so unwell last year due to him I had to take weeks off work and living in constant fear. I'm scared he will lose his job and have no where to live but there's no way I could take him back it would finish me off

[anon331312]

>Hi thank you for the replies. He contacts me via text or calls me. I just sometimes feel suicide is the only way I'll escape the suffering but I have a daughter to think about. I ended up so unwell last year due to him I had to take weeks off work and living in constant fear. I'm scared he will lose his job and have no where to live but there's no way I could take him back it would finish me off

It's heartbreaking to hear this. If your son is causing you and your family so much fear and pain, you should consider cutting him out of your life and blocking his contact. Discuss this decision with your other loved ones first to get a feel of that.

It's common for people to feel guilt about letting go and potentially witness the pwBPD to hit rock bottom and their lives spiral out of control. But it is important to evaluate the long-term pros and cons of continuing to enable them. Some questions to ask yourself are:
- Will you take care of him until your last breath?
- Will your other loved ones be hurt by him if you keep him in your life?
- Do you have the resources to take care of him?
- Do you want him in your life?

By the way, this is one of the most popular books on BPD. I highly recommend it: https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B084JTQZZX/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

[Bella8585]

Thank you for your reply. At this moment in time I don't want him in my life. He is turning into a monster who thrives on criminal behaviour but never getting caught. I became so tired and paranoid every knock at the door was the police I nearly had a mental breakdown. I worry everyday he will lose his job then won't be able to pay rent and will have nowhere to go so will expect he can just come back home. I cannot put us all through it again, he used to burst into my daughter rooms and call her horrible names and it would always be over something very minor. I'm living in constant fear and he doesn't even live at home

[kells76]

It does sound overwhelming; it's no wonder you want to get away from the fear and suffering  

What would it be like if next time the police knocked on the door, you told them: "S19 is an adult and doesn't live here. I don't have any involvement in the situation." Or, "I'm not in contact with S19 and this is no longer his residence. You can try Apartment XYZ on 123 Street -- beyond that I don't know, except that he will not live here again."

What would it be like to block his number from your phone; or, at least, to decline to respond to his texts and calls? (If you decide to do that, know that the frequency may increase briefly before dropping off. This is a normal response to change that is sometimes known as an extinction burst).

It is normal for parents of adult children not to have their adult children live with them or move back in.

It is normal for parents of challenging adult children to have boundaries about what amount of contact works for them (the parent).

Having normal boundaries about contact and living situation is... normal. Whether other people like it or not doesn't mean it isn't OK. It is normal to have a living situation that works for you, even if nobody else likes it.

It is OK for your love for your son to look like declining to receive his calls and texts, and declining to let him live with you or come in the house -- that may be what he needs to grow up on his own timeline.

...

I wonder what you could do today, that sounds do-able to you, that might be a change in taking back your life, and loving your son from a distance? What sounds possible -- changing something about responding texts, calls, etc? Something else? Doesn't have to be big. It could even be calling a crisis hotline (I've done this before, too -- you wouldn't be alone) and seeing what they say. In the USA, I believe 988 takes calls and texts, and 741-741 is for texts.

Let us know if you decide to try something out -- we'll be here for you.