Well, I don’t think I’m going to get my stuff back.

[pipefitter]

So anyone that’s read my story here knows me and my ex fiancée with bpd broke up in December. She split me black for the 2nd time.

I had been trying to get ahold of her to finish tying up loose ends from the relationship. Selling my car that she is the primary signer on. I’m the co signer. My mail. And getting my belongings back from her.

I texted her again today, and she called me. It ended up being a 20 minute rage at me sessions. She told me how it’s all my fault and I’m a big horrible nasty person. She talked about how bad her life is now, and when I ask why she snaps back at me “it’s none of my business”. She denies getting my mail, and says she’s fine with me selling my car and will give me the money once we sign the paperwork( im not sure if I believe her). She was giving me a hard time about my possessions, and the call ended with her saying “well sue me” and she hung up on me.


Im posting in conflicted because there is still a large part of me that cares about this women. In my head I know that she’s like this right now because I’m split black. But it still is so hurtful and frustrating. I want to get this stuff all taken care of so I can stop feeling like I have a black cloud hanging over my head. She just won’t let it happen. Ugh.

[once removed]

She was giving me a hard time about my possessions

i had a hard time, too. breakups can be very messy things. most of what i lost wasnt important, but i lost some old recordings of music id recorded, and those have particular significance to me; still bugs me a little, all these years later.

I want to get this stuff all taken care of so I can stop feeling like I have a black cloud hanging over my head. She just won’t let it happen.

what ultimately bugged me more, was that feeling. it was keeping me "in it", because i was trying to control the breakup on my terms. in a way, i think that was the point.

at the end of the day, short of sueing her, you cant make her let it happen. youve got to decide whether the significance/value of these belongings is worth the cost of your peace, or whether they are an unfortunate part of the loss youre having to go through in order to get to the other side of that black cloud.

[pipefitter]

You are definitely right. It’s the feeling that I have a sword over hanging over my head that sucks the worst. I hate the feeling that she has power over me by having these belongings. I feel like it’s intentional. It’s being done to keep a hook in me. A card she can play when that switch in her head flips from black back to white. It’s so much stuff that it’s really tough to just walk away from. It’s been 2 months now. I don’t understand why she can’t just let me have the stuff.

[once removed]

I feel like it’s intentional. It’s being done to keep a hook in me.

it could be. if there is a hook in you, pull it out.

it could also be that exchanging belongings is emotionally challenging, and complicated. its a drag. no one is eager to do it.

which isnt to excuse it, of course. ive lost possessions in every relationship ive been in, and it sucks.

but you cant "take your power" by trying to compete for power when a relationship is over...thats just a continuation of the bad parts of the relationship. the power is already yours.

[pipefitter]

I think I’m going to wait it out a bit more. She’s still dysregulated   and has me split black. Maybe with more time her mood will stabilize and a reasonable conversation can be had. At that point if I still can’t get a reasonable response, I’m going to consider either a police escort to help me retrieve my things. Or consult a lawyer. I don’t see just walking away as an option. There’s furniture, specialty tools, power tools. Thousands of dollars worth of items. Letting her keep all that isn’t an option in my mind

[ForeverDad]

I can understand your hope that waiting a while longer for her to maybe calm down, I worry that the longer you wait the weaker your case could be to reclaim your property.  She might contend they were abandoned, for all you know.

Have you made a documented request for their return or access to pick then up?  In the old days of mail you would send it by certified mail, return receipt requested.  I'm not sure of the best way to establish your legal claim today.  (We do peer support here, not legal advice, sorry.)  Or have your lawyer sent a polite notice asking for return or access to fetch them back?