Stuck in the detachment phase

[Anonymous_male]

Second NC lasting for about a month now and suddenly I feel almost back where I started emotionally. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions during NC, but these last few days has been very emotional for me for some reason.

I think my issue is that she gives birth to our child in 1-2 months and all along this has made it hard for me to try and forget about her. I know some people would suggest LC, which I tried, but I feel I get manipulation attempts with the intent of trying to get me back in, so I had to go back to NC. When the child comes along and when some time after this I feel detached enough from the mother, I will have contact with the child. But I feel stuck in this detachment phase, since I feel that I cannot detach completely, as I will have to see my ex again anyway at some point and also during the next 18 years. Perhaps I am also feeling drawn to her because of the child. I am not sure if this or the trauma-bond or the marks left after the lovebombing phase.

I try to remind myself why this r/s cannot continue. I have some notes I look at called "reasons". She may not act out, cheat, be suicidal and do other crazy things like some pwBPD that have it worse, however I feel it is bad enough with the emotional abuse, such as:

1. Cyclical raging on text, that lead to me blocking her in the past (until I got educated about BPD and used tools such as validate the valid, diffuse the episode, active/empathetic listening etc.)
2. Facts based on feelings, that are not reality and more than that, she pushes me to admit that I am lying when I say that is not how it happened. Insists that I her admit to her truth
3. Emotional instability, that I am doing "something" to her and I should stop doing "this". Also she can ask that I be in charge of where we go when we go out and right afterwards accuses me of having to decide everything that we do.
4. Accuses me of things I did not do and things that she actually does herself (projection/transference)
5. Is undiagnosed and completely in denial about BPD or anything that should be wrong with her (petulant sub-type). It is me that there must be something wrong with, always.
6. Misreads situations completely such as believe I laugh at her daughter with Downs syndrome, when I am just being loving to her daughter
7. Can calmly say that she believes that I do drugs and also drink alcohol daily. I never touch drugs (and only drink alcohol at times during the weekend)
8. Classic cyclical BPD/NPD behavior moving from loving to rejecting phases, which leaves me in a bad state mentally.
9. On several occasions believe there is another woman there with me.
10. Having to keep secrets like not tell her that I believe she needs help and actually believes she has BPD

So how can I accept this? I cannot. But I still see myself romanticizing her and missing her, as she has exceptionally good sides of her also. I will continue trying to detach, but I think that I will be stuck trying, until the child is born to be honest

AM

[kells76]

Hi Anonymous_male;

My H has two kids (now teenagers) and their mom has many BPD type traits. He has had to be in contact with her (email, text, and in person) for over a decade past the divorce. It would hurt the kids if he "did no contact" with their mom the way it is commonly thought about.

It sounds like you are concerned that even having minimal, logistical contact (solely about your child) will overwhelm you and you will not be able to resist re-entering the relationship? Is that it?

Also, when will the paternity test happen?

[Anonymous_male]

Hi Kells,

Thanks for your reply. Right now NC is necessary for me and possible since the child is not here yet. I cannot speak too much of the future as it will have to be seen how things play out in terms of seeing the child etc. I am aware that NC has to be "bend" at some point and in some way. But I try and need to live in the present and feel I need to take this step by step.

Based on my current situation, yes I am concerned about what will happen in regards to having the strength to keeping myself detached from my uBPDex and I have a hard time getting my head around it. I am not really looking for logistical solutions atm, but more a way to allow myself right now to detach from her completely. But as mentioned, I feel that I cannot get any further with this detachment from her, until the next step begins and everything unravels, hopefully in a positive way. So maybe I just have to come to terms with this. It does help writing here, like my last post where I write down all the reasons why I have to keep doing what I am doing and stay on the detachment track. Somehow I feel it is not even possible anyway to be in a r/s with her as we always kind of broke up after each "rejecting" phase. So this should help keep my mind straight. There is talk around BPD being managed better with age (she is 34), but I cannot rely on that and I cannot rely on her getting therapy either. The bond is still strong as I talk about these things, but as mentioned, perhaps her being pregnant with my child, the trauma-bond and lovebombing parts does this to me.

The case around paternity test part will be initiated right after the birth, which should happen in 1-2 months and could take 2-3 weeks before my notice comes.

AM