Daughter-in-law with BPD

[49sunshine]

Hi everyone,
I have read a number of your posts, and find they have a lot of valuable information, so thank you. My story is similar to many of yours. My son has been married for about 10 years to woman who has a difficult family of origin, and plenty of her own issues.  At the beginning of the relationship,  son and DIL lived in the downstairs section of a vacation home we  occupied several months a year. I noticed right away that she often seemed suspicious and defensive.  Our relationship was never reciprocal; she never made a meal, washed a dish, offered to clean or do errands, etc.. She has never shown interest in or asked us about ourselves or our lives.  DIL  has never held a full-time job in all the years we have known her; according to her, she has physical issues which preclude her from doing a number of different jobs.  Over the years, we have helped her out  financially in many different ways. Very seldom have we ever received a thank you. We have been accused of stealing from her and spying on her, neither of which is true. In the 10 plus years they have been together we have never been invited into their home.

They now live in a city halfway across the country from us.  We fly to their city once or twice a year for a long weekend and that’s all the time we physically spend together.  We speak to our son regularly on the phone but never when he is at home. He always calls us while driving or away from the house. Over the years, DIL has sabotaged more special occasions, holidays, family dinners, etc. than I can count, refusing to attend at the last minute or causing drama when she does attend. My husband and I, and our son, have all been in therapy off and  on trying to deal with the difficult relationship. Our DIL never - she always plays the victim.

The latest is that we have refused to pay for fertility treatments for her, which she will add to her list of reasons she resents us. It is a boundary line we have drawn firmly in the sand. After reading many of your posts, I am sadly grateful they do not have children. We would love to have another grandchild, but  I know she would weaponize the child to hold us hostage for whatever, and create more difficulties for our son, who is already the only breadwinner and has most of the responsibilities at home. He has high blood pressure which I feel sure is partially due to the stress of his relationship with her.  We, of course, cannot understand why he continues to stay with her.  Over the years, we have come to an acceptance of the way things are, but acceptance doesn’t make it easier. The therapist my husband and I go to says we will always be grieving the loss of a more complete relationship with our son, and that’s true.

I am grateful to be able to read these posts and share with others who are living with this difficult problem and the great trauma and sadness it creates.  One day at a time….

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi 49Sunshine and thank you for posting.
Sadly there are many people here who  are dealing with the chaos involved in life with a BPD DIL. It sounds as though you have done an amazing job working your way through this situation for many years. Somehow you have managed to maintain contact with your son and to manage to have a visit once or twice a year.

It seems so trivial doesn't it, but for many, the inclusion of a DIL with BPD into the family has ended in the complete cutting off of the son from his parents.

All the things you mention are so much part of this complex illness. We end up giving and giving - and very little in return apart from being the target of blame for all that is not right in their lives.

You mention the biggest factor too - the grief we carry every day for all that has been lost and will never be - that relaxed, happy sharing of family occasions, honest interactions and shared burdens.

The grief associated with BPD is something that can be difficult to understand. Here though, people understand the intense pain we experience. Knowing others understand is something that helps me especially in the most difficult times.

I hope this is also helpful for you.