Rage with violence and the splitting/divorce

[lololv]

A month ago my husband had a rage episode. This is nothing new but after he raged he said he was close to killing me and himself and saw no other way out but to divorce me for my own safety. I was devastated. I have been married 19 years and together 23. I have just now realized that he suffers from BPD and learned his mother had the same diagnosis (she is no longer living.) It has been years of emotional abuse, splitting, me trying to fix myself and him blaming. We have a son who is 19 years old and off at college. My son has been asking for me to leave him for years as he fears for my life. I never saw the danger until this last episode when I suddenly woke up. It was as if a fog had been lifted. I credit that awakening to the discover of BPD. It was if someone lived in my house with us for 23 years and could explain exactly what had been happening.

He is now flipping the script and saying he is divorcing me because "I lack communication skills." I do still have all the emails and text of him saying he was close to a murder suicide that night. I have since realized that I was and could still be in danger. Once he realized that I was "okay" with the divorce, the BPD behaviors were amplified x10. I got a restraining order 3 days ago. Now that he can't contact me, he is verbally attacking our son. He threatens to take away his financial support in college, tells our son he never loved him and that he is choosing me and not him. Luckily our son is not at home and is away at school. I have also had to hire an attorney as I quickly realized that a calm and logical divorce would never happen. This has all been so incredibly heart breaking. I love him so much and feel empathy for him. I go between being terrified for my safety to intense desire to have him home. Please help, my body is in constant fight or flight and I am so miserable.

[EyesUp]

@lololv,

So sorry you're going through this.

You are adjusting to major change, trauma, and active fear for yourself and your son - rest assured, your body is responding "normally" under these very challenging conditions, and letting you feel things that you probably avoided until now.

In practical terms, do you feel that you and your son are safe?  If not, what changes can be made to improve this?  New locks?  Alerting authorities at your son's school?

If you're concerned about your pwBPD not supporting your son financially, you might consult with an atty - as soon as a formal complaint for divorce is filed, financial restraining orders are automatically applied, which may help preserve the status quo in terms of near-term payments and responsibilities.

If you don't have an atty, that is probably a good way to focus your attention in the coming days and weeks.  My suggestion is to seek a litigator with experience in high-conflict cases.  Avoid negotiators.  If possible, ask anyone in your network if they have referrals.  If you have to call around, don't ask for a consultation - some attys will want to bill for their time if you explicitly ask for advice.  Rather, ask to interview to see if there's a fit for your case.  When presented this way, many attys will provide up to 30 minutes to discuss your case at no cost.  Interview as many attys as possible until you find one you feel has the right ability to represent your interests.

For now, I'll offer this idea from my experience:  I never wanted a divorce.  But it turned out to be a gift.  I never slept better than the first night after my X and I formally separated.

Please do not hesitate to come here any time and ask for practical advice, emotional support, whatever you need - there are many members here who have been through similar situations. We get it.

Take care.

[ForeverDad]

For now, I'll offer this idea from my experience:  I never wanted a divorce.  But it turned out to be a gift.  I never slept better than the first night after my X and I formally separated.

I too recall when my spouse was gone.  I recall writing here that the silence was deafening.

A month ago my husband had a rage episode. This is nothing new but after he raged he said he was close to killing me and himself and saw no other way out but to divorce me for my own safety...

He is now flipping the script and saying he is divorcing me because "I lack communication skills."

This is typical BPD perception.  Sometimes a reality comment slips out but it must thereafter be followed with Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Now that you've had a "heads up" warning, don't be lulled or intimidated into inaction.  Odds are that what he has already started is an extinction burst to pressure you into going back to his prior comfort zone of poor behaviors or worse.

Your son will surely support you as you seek distance and a calmer, safer life.

[lololv]

Thank you all for advice. I did hire a lawyer. He also hired a lawyer, and one of the most expensive and well known ones here. I feel like he will stop at nothing to just hurt me because I finally agreed to a divorce. He would always threaten divorce, suicide, held money over my head and it worked for years until now. I just wish my body would stop hurting, he was my "cure" to the pain before. He would rage, threaten suicide, blame etc. and then come home days later. When he came home, often with a watered down apology and some criticism to dish out, my body would stop the flight or flight feeling. I associated him that with relief feeling. Now that he is not coming home, I don't feel any relief. I know this has nothing to do with legal advice, I am just struggling to see an end in sight to the suffering. I just want to give up and give him everything he demands because my body and mind are suffering terribly.

[EyesUp]

Don’t be intimidated by his atty.  Does your atty have direct experience with his atty? 

I know what you mean about relief from cycling.

There are some analogies - detox, withdrawal…. Fun, right?

Do you have a therapist?  It’s a good idea to have one, particularly as it will diminish the impulse to lean on your atty for emotional support.

Either way, now that you’ve (both) decided this is happening, you can begin to consider how to take care of your feelings instead of his.  It’ll take some practice, but it will eventually start to feel good or at least replace some of the things that usually feel bad.

Is there anything you can do with the rest of the weekend for yourself?   Reconnect with old friends or family?  Read that book, watch that show?  Take some time for yourself.

It’s very basic, and likely hard to do at this point when your thoughts are consumed with everything else.  But worth starting to practice if you can.

You will get through this.

[Turkish]

Even with the RO, do you feel safe?

It's even sadder that he's lashing out at your son with the guilt trip...

[AskingWhy]

Please read the book, "Splitting," by lawyer/social worker Bill Eddy. It's a book on divorcing borderlines and narcissists.

Keep safe.  I wish you well.  Have courage.

[lololv]

I am doing therapy. I have been in therapy for over a year. She will likely be called as a witness in court. I start emdr therapy next next week. Luckily I have a great group of women in my life and family support. I started swimming to help with the fight or flight feelings, water is my happy place and that helps. I also spent 5 hours reading through my text messages from the last 3 years with BDP ex and was shocked at how every single month he would rage, blame, leave to a hotel and I would beg for him to stop and come home. He would never own up to any of it but I just kept on going to keep the peace. It has been 23 years of that. My memories of the trauma started flooding back. Just the constant threat of suicide, even to the point of putting guns to his head, would happen regularly. My brother committed suicide by gun so he knew that he could use that against me. It is like I blocked all that out to just survive. I am reading "Walking on Eggshells" and "The Body Keeps the Score" and it is all starting to make sense. I am looking forward to a life of peace in the future. This group has been a relief to know that I am not the only one that has experienced this and I am not "crazy." Thank you