How do I stop my adult BPD diagnosed daughter to stop going on drug binges

[Almostout]

It's hard to know where to start so I'll keep it brief for now.I set a boundary with my daughter being that I don't want to be involved when she chooses to take illegal substances because I can't deal with her destroying herself like that.The truth is when she goes on a drug binge she just creates absolute chaos for anyone around her and drags family members into her mess, expecting everyone to drop everything and look after her.Recently I was supposed to be going out on a date night with my partner,we have a little boy together and we find it very difficult to get a responsible reliable sitter that we trust but after at least 6-8 months finally we were going out,then I get a call in the morning n it's my daughter n she's off to hospital again,tells me her new medication is having a bad effect on her when what has actually happened is she's binged on illegals for a month so before starting said medication. I'm calm and super lovely to her, keeping her calm till the ambulance gets there but I know there might be problems, she calls me a couple of times through the day and I'm being supportive but also let her know I'm going out later.Fast forward to later, I get a video call from my sister yelling at me about what my daughter has just done, she'd asked my sister if it was ok to go to hers from the hospital because she didn't want to be alone then then she passes out in the taxi n my sister gets an angry cab driver banging on her door, my sister goes to get her and my daughter proceeds to flay her hands around shouting and screaming "I want my mum,I want my mum,get off me,I just want my mum". My daughter is 22 years old and lives in her own flat. My sister obviously furious shouting at me on the phone about how she and her fella shouldn't have to deal with this and that at the end of the day she isn't my daughter's mum.....To be clear nobody asked her to take my daughter in after hospital, my daughter asked her and she had said yes.I don't really know what im supposed to do, i have no control over what my daughter does,she's 22yrs old and I can give her advice and guidance till then cows come home but she wont take it! I've supported her in so many ways and I'm just feeling really burnt out at this point. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with her anymore, eggshells, refusing to listen,the drug binges are the worst because her BPD just...she can't handle it. I can cope with a lot of the issues but the drug binges,I just can't deal with the amount of chaos that brings.I had told her I was surprised the hospital let her go,turns out she refused to stay! So what do you do? Ok sorry, I meant to keep this brief and I think I've ranted a little. Seriously though is there a way to stop the drug binges?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Seriously though is there a way to stop the drug binges?

Hello and welcome- thanks so much for sharing.

The simple answer is no, there's no way to make another person do anything they don't want to do.  Once you mix in drug addiction and dependencies, this is truly outside of your control.

However, there are things you can control here.  First and foremost, you do not have to support your daughter in any way when she's using drugs.  I do the same with my young adult daughter- if she's high on weed, I won't talk to her other than a hello.  If she needs help while high, I simply say that I'm not available and I'm not going to deal with that.

Second, you can control how you communicate with relatives.  Make your stance known.  If she's high and needs help, tell her to dial 9-1-1.  Make it clear that you're not walking this path with her because it's simply too painful.  Her mistakes are her mistakes...not yours.

Third, accept that this is not your fault.  She got high, went to the hospital, then refused to stay.  Those were all her choices, and they should also be her consequences.  Let her deal with that drama however she sees fit.  The real goal here is for her to realize that her actions have consequences that she has to face alone, and family swooping in to save the day only makes things more complicated.

[Almostout]

Thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate it.I have tried to tell my family in the past to let her stand on her own two feet and deal with her own mistakes but they continued to bail her out then she got into such a mess I had no other option but to step in and do something because she'd gotten herself into a very toxic friendship and after seeing her on a video call and having spoken to this girl I knew she was in real danger,that was on a Sunday and I couldn't do anything till the Monday when my little boy would be in school so I could go to her, the Monday she called me and I knew she was in serious trouble i told her get an ambulance and I'd meet her at the hospital, I did and once i got there the staff had to point her out to me because I was looking around and I just did not recognise the girl slumped in a wheelchair filthy, bruised ,swollen yet boney and thin and so close to death. If I hadn't been there she might have died because there were so many mistakes made at the hospital and very little care, I had to take her to the toilet,I'm not a trained nurse but I had to lift her from the wheelchair help her remove her pants and get her on the toilet, my heart was truly broken that day.I had cleaned her flat whilst she was in hospital,it was beyond bad,had to absolutely gut it and start from scratch, I bought furniture so it wouldn't be completely empty when she got back.I visited her and stayed by her side as much as I possibly could.We knew she needed more care and was not ready to leave hospital,we believed it would be in everyone's best interest that she be sectioned and needed more care than we could give,professional help. She was sectioned and when she was released I had her stay with us till she was fit enough to go back to her flat. I made a point of visiting everyday until I felt she was ready to be alone again, I took her food shopping,made sure she was eating and looking after herself, I got keys cut for myself so she knew I could pop in anytime.I told her that could never happen again yet here we are and she still sees fit to go on drug binges after everything we went through, it's such a slap in the face. That was the first time she put us through it and it was most definitely the worst but there has been a second time which is when I set my boundary with her, I also let my family know exactly what I had said to her.This is the third time and this time my sister had to deal with her outburst but the chaos still rippled out to all of us. Now there's talk from family members of an intervention but I don't know how helpful that would be tbh

[Pook075]

Thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate it.I have tried to tell my family in the past to let her stand on her own two feet and deal with her own mistakes but they continued to bail her out then she got into such a mess I had no other option but to...

I read every word you wrote and I'm so sorry you're going through this- almost every parent on this site has similar stories and they're all heartbreaking.

I don't want to minimize anything you said, but the part I quoted above, I just need you to actually see this.  You always have other options and one of them is to do nothing...nothing at all regardless of how bad things seem.

Why would a parent choose that?  That's a horrible outlook.  Yet with a BPD child that knows no matter what she says or does, mom will swoop in to save the day, there are no consequences to her actions.  She can do anything she wants and never truly learns a lesson because family rushes to help and blankets her with love and support.  In essence, that tells her to party on...none of this matters because mom owes her and is always on call to fix her messes.

The only way she learns otherwise is if you do the hardest thing- do nothing.  Let her deal with her own destruction.

Talk to your family and let them know the gravity of this situation.  Explain that there's a difference between supporting and enabling...the enabling must stop 100% for your kid to realize that she has to change.  For her to take things seriously, she's going to have to crash and burn all on her own and hopefully it will be enough for a lightbulb moment to occur.

You have to accept that this is not on you, and in some ways you and family are actually part of the problem.  To break the cycles of abuse, something has to change and she'll do everything she can to keep things the same.  That means you have to change the pattern, you have to lead this with some tough love.

[Almostout]

Thank you, I agree and I think my partner would to, it's just getting the rest of the family on board with it.I think we're going to get together and make our boundaries very clear to my daughter so nothing can be twisted. As far as treatment goes she's 22yrs old so I don't think I have much say in that,am I wrong? My sister seems to think I should be more involved with the medical side of things, could I push to make sure she's getting therapy, attending her appointments ect

[kells76]

Really difficult stuff you're going through, Almostout -- glad you found us.

The simple answer is no, there's no way to make another person do anything they don't want to do.  Once you mix in drug addiction and dependencies, this is truly outside of your control.

Important to keep in mind, even though it's so painful to watch your child make unwise and hurtful choices.

Thank you, I agree and I think my partner would to, it's just getting the rest of the family on board with it.

Good to hear that you and your partner can be on the same page about your approach together -- that'll help 

What's your main concern if the rest of the family "isn't on board with it" -- that they would try to get you to do something?

I think we're going to get together and make our boundaries very clear to my daughter so nothing can be twisted.

One of the challenging things about coping with someone with BPD is that being clear isn't the issue -- there's no level of perfect clarity or agreement that you all can have at one time, that she won't set aside in the future if her inner emotional needs are overwhelming enough.

Yet that can also be freeing. Her well-being isn't dependent on if you explained yourself sufficiently!

Also, the great thing about true boundaries is that nobody else has to agree with them, understand them, cooperate with you, feel like the boundaries are "clear enough", or think they're a good idea, for you to have them. A true boundary is something 100% under your control, and you aren't required to explain them to anyone.

Take a look at that Boundaries workshop (in bold) -- what stands out to you? Anything sound helpful?

I bet there is a way to have this:

I don't want to be involved when she chooses to take illegal substances

turn into this:

"I don't pick up my D22 from the hospital if drugs were involved. If I receive a call or text from anyone (family, D22, etc) indicating that D22 has taken drugs and wants me involved, I will suggest calling 911 and then I hang up. I don't choose to spend my time improving D22's living space."

As far as treatment goes she's 22yrs old so I don't think I have much say in that,am I wrong? My sister seems to think I should be more involved with the medical side of things, could I push to make sure she's getting therapy, attending her appointments ect

Are you in the USA? Do you have any kind of guardianship over your D22? Is she still on your insurance?

It may be that legally you don't have a way to "make" her do much -- though through learning the tools, skills, and approaches here, you may be able to improve your relationship with her enough that she may become more interested in your perspective, down the road.

A fantastic book about "how to get a loved one into treatment" is I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! by Dr. Xavier Amador. I got a copy this year -- well worth it.

[Almostout]

@kells76 "I don't pick up my D22 from the hospital if drugs were involved. If I receive a call or text from anyone (family, D22, etc) indicating that D22 has taken drugs and wants me involved, I will suggest calling 911 and then I hang up. I don't choose to spend my time improving D22's living space."

It's funny I had just said exactly this to my partner on the phone before I read this,100% agree and will be doing this.

What's your main concern if the rest of the family "isn't on board with it" -- that they would try to get you to do something?

I'd be concerned that she will never learn and that they will hound me via fone calls and MSG's and I will feel like a bad parent and relent,that they will talk about me to people I don't know who just don't understand the real truth of it all.My brother and sister don't even have kids but they do suffer my daughters chaos.


I am in the UK so we have the NHS

[Pook075]

My daughter will be 25 in May, so they're pretty close in age.  We had her in therapy since she was around 15 and things progressively became worse year after year.  I was in your exact position and my house was chaos- she tortured her younger sister, threatened to kill me in my sleep, and blamed everything on all of us.  I was so stressed out all the time that I had a heart attack in my sleep at 42.  Dealing with a BPD kid literally almost killed me.

We went from therapist to therapist, doctor to doctor, psychiatrist to psychiatrist, for years trying to get help or understand what the heck was happening.  Finally we met Dr. Happy, which is what I nicknamed him because he was always smiling and laughing.  We admitted my kid on a Friday and he interviewed us first, asking why were were so worried and stressed out.  And we explained what you've said in this thread....we have to save her, to change her, to make everything all right.  He simply laughed at us and asked us how we planned on doing that since it was impossible.

We asked him what to do, and he said to go home, watch a movie, maybe have great sex after a nice dinner.  And we're looking at each other like this guy is certifiably insane...our kid is in real trouble, and he's telling us to relax and live life.  But he kept laughing at us, kept making jokes and smiling, explaining that everything we were worrying about was outside of our control. 

The only thing that could help our kid was our kid...she had to make changes.  But before that could happen, she had to want to make those changes for herself and her life.

So my wife and I went home, truly perplexed about what we were supposed to do.  Eventually it sunk in though, we had to stop trying to save her and live our own lives.  That meant putting all responsibility on her and accepting that she had a very tough road ahead.

We made three rules- to live in our home, you have to respect everyone here, pitch in for the good of the house, and clean up after yourself.  Follow the rules and you can stay here forever.  Break one rule and you have to leave.  Within weeks, we threw her out and she was homeless...eventually ending up in a halfway house.  Her life was infinitely harder and she found a new rock bottom, and after a few months begged us to help her.  Our response was that we really wanted to help...but there's three rules.  You can choose to follow them or do your own thing, but not both.

The choice was hers...it was always on her.  At 22, she had a mental breakdown and went back to Dr. Happy, and for the first time in her life took therapy seriously.  She was with him in outpatient for over a year and completely changed her life and her views of the world.  She also learned to love and respect her family, which was all we ever wanted to begin with.

Right now, my kid has been off her meds for around 9 months.  She's made some catastrophic mistakes and should have been hospitalized months ago.  But she's getting by, holding a job, and finally pushing to get back on her medications.  I tell her that I love her and support her, but there's still those barriers she has to follow.  For the most part, she accepts that and I am very proud of her, even though she's still broken.

I hope that helps.

[Almostout]

@pook075 so sorry you've gone through such a difficult time. From what I'm aware there's a lot of therapists that refuse point blank to even attempt to treat someone with BPD.My daughter has told me she's supposed to be seeing a specialist at some point. I've always had a pretty good relationship with my daughter,she always tells me I'm a good mum and that none of this is my fault,she's never really gotten nasty with me although I am very careful what I say to her and how i say it and if she doesn't like something i say she tells me she thinks she'd better go because she doesn't want to fall out with me or say something she doesn't mean. She mainly aims her fury at herself,hurts herself, cutting, hitting, overdosing and threatening suicide,or simply saying she doesn't want to be here anymore. She refuses to try to help herself by getting work or college or even a hobby outside of her flat,every suggestion I make is squashed with "I can't do it mum! I'm ill! I'm not sure how she will be when I stop being there when she's on self destruct though. Her biological father had BPD and the life I had with him sounds very similar to the life you had with your daughter living with you,it was extremely volatile. My daughter tells me she's glad she moved out when she did because she didn't want to put me ,her stepdad and brother through hell and she knew she would if she stayed. She has told me how she has behaved towards other people though and that is a little more reminiscent of the way her biological father was. It's good to hear that your daughter is trying

[Pook075]

@pook075 so sorry you've gone through such a difficult time. From what I'm aware there's a lot of therapists that refuse point blank to even attempt to treat someone with BPD.My daughter has told me she's supposed to be seeing a specialist at some point. I've always had a pretty good relationship with my daughter,she always tells me I'm a good mum and that none of this is my fault,she's never really gotten nasty with me although I am very careful what I say to her and how i say it and if she doesn't like something i say she tells me she thinks she'd better go because she doesn't want to fall out with me or say something she doesn't mean. She mainly aims her fury at herself,hurts herself, cutting, hitting, overdosing and threatening suicide,or simply saying she doesn't want to be here anymore. She refuses to try to help herself by getting work or college or even a hobby outside of her flat,every suggestion I make is squashed with "I can't do it mum! I'm ill! I'm not sure how she will be when I stop being there when she's on self destruct though. Her biological father had BPD and the life I had with him sounds very similar to the life you had with your daughter living with you,it was extremely volatile. My daughter tells me she's glad she moved out when she did because she didn't want to put me ,her stepdad and brother through hell and she knew she would if she stayed. She has told me how she has behaved towards other people though and that is a little more reminiscent of the way her biological father was. It's good to hear that your daughter is trying

If the relationship is pretty good and she treats you with respect, then you've already won 90% of the battle (as you know with your ex).  But you will have to shift communication styles a little bit and encourage her- you can do it if it's one step at a time.  Just do one thing today, the smallest little step, and it's a victory because you're one step closer to your goal.  Tomorrow, next step...even if it's a baby step.  That's how you solve anything in life, one step at a time.

Want to be the US President?  Or an astronaut?  There's a first step for each of those things, no matter how impossible those goals may feel right now.

Just be her advocate and hold her accountable- she can do this.  That's the mentality you have to fight back on, while at the same time not being an enabler on the things she doesn't feel like she can do.

[Sancho]

Hi Almostout
If the events you describe happened here - and similar ones do frequently - I would immediately connect my dd's behaviour to the fact it was the long awaited date night.

The driving force is often the need to hold the attention - and when that threatens to go somewhere else bingo - drama etc and chaos that is usually within the control of the bpd person eg deciding themselves to leave the hospital.

Also the flailing arms etc and sobbing I can really relate to! My dd I am pretty sure has histrionic personality disorder as well as BPD. In certain circumstances my dd becomes breathless, crying, sobbing, repeating the same phrase over and over eg 'Help me!' and generally writhes around.

You communicate well with your dd and I was just wondering if you can make any connection between special times with your partner or young child and dd's episodes?

Just a thought . . .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders