My son is in remission

[InTheWilderness]

My 21 yr old son displayef BPD symptoms from early childhood, however we didn’t understand his behavior, didn’t have a diagnosis until he was in crisis last year at age 20. His comorbidities include ADHD and anxiety and though we sought professional help beginning in the second grade, BPD was never mentioned as a diagnosis.

Suicidal ideation came on strong when he left the state and attended college several time zones away. Last year was a nightmare with several hospitalizations from suicide attempts. November last year, after some failed attempts to redirect his life without addressing the underlying issues, he decided to return to his home state and try college again.

He is a changed person. I don’t know what exactly lead to this, but he is attending college and functioning very well without the SI or behaviors that signal BPD. I don’t believe in miracles but it feels like a miracle.

This is what I know: returning home put him back in touch with a group of supportive friends from high school. This college is easier, which reduces his stress. Anxiety is the comorbidity that seems to govern his BPD flares.

I wanted to share the news. I was feeling very hopeless last year. My mother had schizophrenia and bipolar and severe autism also runs in the family. I thought my son’s BPD was a new awful chapter in a lifetime of mental illness. Well, I was wrong. I don’t know if his BPD will return. There are certainly small, barely perceptible tremors of it, but it’s possible the worst is behind us. I’m so grateful for this reprieve, for my son’s reprieve.

Don’t give up hope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Wilderness,

What a wonderful post.  Sometimes I come to this site in search of hope, and it's rare to see posts about progress or remission.  I'm truly happy for you and your son.  What an accomplishment, considering the obstacles and the dire situation of just months ago.  You must have emotional whiplash.

I have a stepdaughter who had a similar experience--she went away to a college that was geographically distant and academically too difficult for her.  She dropped out several times, and she made several suicide attempts.  We were desperate and despondent.

Like your son, my stepdaughter made a fresh start at a college that was both easier and closer to home, where she would have more support from her family.  She passed a couple of courses, but she dropped out and attempted suicide again.  I know she's thinking about re-enrolling once again (she's dropped multiple times already), but I just don't think she's ready yet.  My husband doesn't want to tell her he won't pay for tuition, despite the significant financial strain and the questionable value of the degree she's pursuing.  She seems to do OK when she has no responsibilities, but the moment she faces some normal pressures (such as the first homework assignments), her emotions take over--and she rages, goes into avoidance mode and self-destructs.  My husband did set her up in a studio apartment, to increase her chances of success, because when she had roommates, there was too much drama for her to handle.

You mentioned that your son re-connected with a local friend group.  That seems like a key first step towards "recovery" (or maybe I should say "remission").  I wish that my stepdaughter would also find friendships with peers.  Her issue is, her BPD behaviors of lashing out have wrecked her friendships from high school.  In addition, her old friends have basically moved on, while she now feels years "behind" them, having not graduated yet or found employment.  Clearly she has FOMO, but she has trouble finding new friends, as she's not really working or studying, and she spends a lot of time with social media.  I think she hasn't found her "thing" (a sport, hobby, etc.) that can help her connect with peers in person.  I've suggested volunteering multiple times, but she doesn't seem at all interested.  Efforts for her to get a job don't go very far.  She'll go through a training period, but as soon as she has to work a real, full day, she usually breaks down and quits.

If you had any advice or knowledge of signs that the pwBPD has "turned a corner," or is "ready" to try college again, that would be great.  I understand that everyone is different, but I'm looking for some hopeful signs.  Once again, I'm very happy for you.

[BPDstinks]

Gosh! I am thrilled to hear this!!! this gives me hope!  (short version:  my adult BPD daughter, cut ties with our family May 24, 2023 is the last time I physically saw my daughter (other than a little glimpse of her at the annual dance recital, where she literally put her hand up in a stop sign as I approached her with flowers, sigh) so...I am in a Jesus Take The Wheel state, waiting for her to "re-join"?  I have tried every single thing I have researched (along with so many helpful hints from this wonderful group!) She HAS reached out to her sister for HER bday, so....that is a tiny step...anyway, this post is for YOU...sincerely, I am happy for you!

[InTheWilderness]

CC43,

I can certainly identify with your husband's decisions to make your step-daughter's life as smooth as it can be. When they're in crisis, we're in crisis. We tried to do everything possible to stop the extreme behaviors. Whether we did the right thing at times, I can't say. I'm not sure I feel like any of us have accomplished anything. Honestly, I feel like seaweed tossed on the shore after a heavy storm. I'm glad we are all getting a break, but I can't say why the storm has moved on from us.

One difference you mention is that your step-daughter has rocky relationships with her friends (has alienated them) and my son's extreme behavior was directed at, or resulted from, interactions with his immediate family. Though he pulled away when he was at his worst, he has maintained all his friendships and this was always the case from early childhood. He certainly had a lot of volatility in school regarding bullies but never with friends. Seems to me that's a protective factor, to be able to maintain friendships.

Sounds like your step-daughter has anxiety too. I've always thought if we could get my son's anxiety under control, or the ADD, his BPD would be less severe and, in fact, that's true for him. If there is a way to manage the co-morbidities, maybe that's easier to tackle than BPD, then the severity of BPD symptoms might be reduced. I don't know if that helps you at all. Seems like this disorder has many faces. But I will tell you that one month, my son was obsessing daily over suicide, and over a period of only a few weeks, those impulses diminished considerably.

Another thing to consider: my son was very head strong about what was going on. He couldn't look inward and instead focussed on changing jobs and moving to new locations. These try/fail experiences (we supported his decisions during all of this) provided evidence that he needed to think differently about what was happening to him. He has since told me he was "confused". With all of these ideas, regardless of whether they seemed destined to fail, I said, "Go for it. Let us help." My hope was that after he exhausted these options (they exhausted him), he'd reflect on how to proceed with a different mindset.

I read stories here and understand the severity of BPD is highly variable. It's a complex disorder. We are very lucky to have a reprieve and that was my hope in sharing, that someone might benefit from a little hope. CC43, I hope your family gets a reprieve soon.

[InTheWilderness]

Thanks, BPDstinks. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I found no-contact to be particularly rough. My son lived so far away and he was in contact with no one, so we had no way of knowing if he was safe. I think that's a great sign that she reached out to her sister.

I've no doubt you're doing your best to turn things around. But we have so little control. Like I said, I don't feel I understand why exactly my son is improving. My husband and I took two Family Connections courses and that helped us to manage our own behaviors and improve communication with our son. But more is at play here that I can't explain.

I hope those tiny steps you mentioned keep coming, BPDstinks.

[CC43]

Wilderness, thanks so much for your response, which is on point on many levels. Indeed anxiety appears to be part of the issue, and that’s one aspect where medications can be effective, if taken. It’s interesting you mention the attempts at a fresh start. My stepdaughter also wants to make changes. She wants different apartments, schools, to move out of town. I’m torn there because if she moves far away, her support system weakens. And she doesn’t seem to realize that a change of location won’t solve her problems. And it seems to me she really struggles to know who she is and what she wants. She’s more focused on the past than on her future. Planning and execution are not her strong points. I really want her to succeed but also don’t want to see her up to fail again.