Concerned about the effect this is having on my 4 year old

[Gerda]

Ever since my husband's last rage explosion, my 4 year old daughter has been having behavioral problems at her Montessori preschool. Last week we had a parent-teacher conference to discuss her issues and they recommended play therapy, so now I'm looking into that.

My husband was with me at the conference (it was the first time he's ever been to a parent-teacher conference; he never goes to the regular ones they have every semester), so I felt like I had to be really careful what I said in front of him to make sure I didn't say anything that could in any way be interpreted as criticizing him in front of the teachers.

Since then my husband seems to think more and more that her behavior problems are because she has (undiagnosed) ADHD, and that she got ADHD because I took Tylenol while I was pregnant. He read something on the internet about Tylenol causing ADHD. Of course that conveniently puts the blame on me.

My therapist is very sure that her behavioral problems are because of her witnessing my husband abusing me. I can tell that she's trying to put it as mildly as she can, but she seems to think that any talk about ADHD or too much screen time at home or inconsistent discipline or whatever is small potatoes compared to her seeing her Dada threaten to punch Mama, or slamming doors, or throwing things in a rage.

My therapist thinks I should tell her teachers more about what's going on at home. I told her that I didn't want to because they're still going to have to work with my husband, and "if they knew everything that was going on, they wouldn't like him much." She replied, "if they knew everything that was going on, they'd probably call CPS." That led us into a discussion of mandatory reporters and why she hasn't reported us to CPS yet, and what would cross the line for her (basically if he ever actually hit me or hit our daughter and I didn't leave right away), but she said it wouldn't be "unreasonable" for someone else to call CPS about what's already happening now.

So her teachers are still in the dark about the abuse, but now I'm looking into play therapists. My husband is OK with putting her in play therapy, but he doesn't want her screened for ADHD (even though he's the one that brought it up in the first place, but he doesn't want her "labeled"), and he's still downplaying how "the fighting" might be affecting her. Plus, according to him, we haven't had a fight in three weeks, so we're never going to fight again, so that solves that problem.

I'm a little worried about doing play therapy because of the possibility that I might have to tell my child's therapist about the abuse. I don't want to get reported to CPS, but that also might be a big deal thing that her teachers and therapists should know about. (I also worry that maybe a child therapist would be able to figure it out even without me telling her.)

On the other hand, my therapist thinks I should have told her teachers right there in front of my husband in that conference and maybe a bit of public shaming would be a good thing. I then had to explain to her why I don't feel comfortable doing that yet.

I guess the main point I'm getting to here is that I'm really worried about how this is now starting to affect my daughter, and also that since it's affecting my daughter, that might result in my husband finally getting "outed" as an abuser. My therapist seems to think him getting outed would be a good thing, but the prospect scares me. We already tried marriage counseling, and he got into a rage after almost every session because of some relatively mild things I brought up in session. We never even got to the seriously abusive stuff before he quit. I can imagine how he'd react if he found out I "said bad things about [him]" to our daughter's teachers or therapist. Because of course nothing is ever his fault. He's an excellent father and anything that's wrong with our daughter is someone else's fault (usually mine).

Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? Part of me wants to tell everyone I know what's been going on, but most of me still wants to proceed with extreme caution because of the fallout that would create. But now that it's affecting my 4 year old it's getting harder and harder to hide. And just like with the marriage counseling, I'm afraid the play therapy will just be a waste of time and money if I have to bite my tongue and not tell the therapist the seriousness of what's been going on in order to avoid my husband's anger about "saying bad things" to people about him.

[CravingPeace]

Wow you are going through alot, I am sorry to hear this. You must be very torn between telling everything but wanting to keep home life as stable as possible.

Is there a softly softly approach?. I mean does your husband accept you both argue? (Putting the physical threats aside).

My wife accepts "we" argue, and she actually gets concerned about the impact on the kids, and is more open to exploring therapy.

But is there a way you could suggest some therapy for your child due to arguments at home that might be upsetting her, and see what your husband says?  Then you could tell the therapist that your child is witnessing increasing arguments at home, so you share the blame rather than putting it on your husband and triggering him?

Obviously it goes without saying if you have been physically assaulted rather than just threatened you need to call 911/999 etc depending on where you are immediately and report this to the police. Once that line is crossed it will not be a one time thing . And if you think the threat is going to happen you should be planning an exit.

In our last argument , well where my wife was telling me all about what I have recently done wrong, and how I have not made her feel emotionally looked after etc (even though I was burning myself out doing everything), I kept the engagement to a minimum and explained all I was doing but she still screamed at my 7 year old to get out of the room when he walked in. The next day my son got dysregulated over something minor and punched me. I say this as it isn't threats of violence from parents that are the sole cause, more the instability at home when mom and dad fight, I believe anyway.

[kells76]

Hi Gerda;

CravingPeace said it well -- this is tough stuff you're going through and we hear how you're wanting to thread the needle between what's best for your daughter and not making things worse at home.

does your husband accept you both argue? (Putting the physical threats aside).

My wife accepts "we" argue, and she actually gets concerned about the impact on the kids, and is more open to exploring therapy.

I'm curious about that, too.

...

I think I'm reading that you're concerned that if you said what was really going on, your H would blow up at you and possibly at your D at home? Are you concerned that he would be violent towards you/your D?

Consider calling a DV hotline to talk through your situation. They have probably worked with similar situations, and they'll understand your conflict between saying what's going on and not wanting to escalate things. It can be anonymous as far as I know, and you aren't then "required" to do anything they suggest; it's more to get information for you about how to navigate things.

The national hotline phone number is: 800-799-7233
The text number for the national hotline is: 88788 (just text START to them as your first text)

You can also google search "[Your State] DV hotline" and get more local resources.

Let us know what you find out.

[Gerda]

Is there a softly softly approach?. I mean does your husband accept you both argue? (Putting the physical threats aside).

My wife accepts "we" argue, and she actually gets concerned about the impact on the kids, and is more open to exploring therapy.

But is there a way you could suggest some therapy for your child due to arguments at home that might be upsetting her, and see what your husband says?  Then you could tell the therapist that your child is witnessing increasing arguments at home, so you share the blame rather than putting it on your husband and triggering him?

Yes, I that might be the approach I'll have to take for now. While we were driving to the parent-teacher conference, my husband did say something like "I hope our fighting isn't having an effect on her." That surprised me given how much he downplays how bad his abuse is. He's even said before that what we do is "normal couple arguing," and we're both equally to blame. Which does make me wonder if he's really that delusional. (OK, so all husbands threaten to punch their wives in front of their young children then?)

He then went on to say that the solution is that we're never going to fight again (yeah right, according to him every fight is our last fight), but then he said, "but maybe the damage has been done."

I was actually surprised he agreed to put our daughter into play therapy at all, but I'm glad he did. She's going to need it.

[zondolit]

Has anyone else here been in a similar situation?

Yes. It sounds like both you and your husband are seeing the negative impact of your marriage on your daughter. You both love her and want the best for her. So this has the potential to change the balance of things. You are both trying to figure out what to do.

In my experience, it was a turning point when my husband's behaviors started affecting the children more directly. The children had always been affected by our high conflict marriage, but a line was crossed for me when my husband began saying certain things in front of the children and involving them directly in our arguments.

Looking back, I was sort of in a position of squirming. I thought I had achieved some ability to manage my marriage and then I was confronted with the fact it was hurting the children. What to do?

It seems your gut is telling you to move cautiously, so I would heed this.

Regarding play therapy, therapists should pick up on stuff even without you saying it directly. You can always say "I don't feel comfortable answering that question."

You mention being scared and I wonder what you are scared of: Your daughter getting hurt? You getting hurt? Your husband getting hurt? The marriage failing? Telling the truth? Something else?

[Gerda]

In my experience, it was a turning point when my husband's behaviors started affecting the children more directly. The children had always been affected by our high conflict marriage, but a line was crossed for me when my husband began saying certain things in front of the children and involving them directly in our arguments.

...
You mention being scared and I wonder what you are scared of: Your daughter getting hurt? You getting hurt? Your husband getting hurt? The marriage failing? Telling the truth? Something else?

It's definitely a turning point. My husband is terrible about involving our daughter in our fights. I've tried to stop him from doing it, and our marriage counselor told him it was bad too. He won't stop. Nothing I tried or our marriage counselor suggested has worked. He gets into so much of a rage that it's like he forgets she exists. He's been doing this since she was a baby.

I've tried to understand how he sees it, and I think he's really good at doing a combination of downplaying how bad it is, and blaming me for it. He's accused me a few times of baiting him into a fight and deliberately getting him to lose his temper, so that he looks bad in front of our daughter, and therefore this is my evil scheme to turn our daughter against him.

During my last session, my therapist asked me how I think I can get him to finally stop doing this, and I said, "divorce him." I've tried everything else.

But divorcing him is going to take a few months of preparation and work, so she asked me to come up with strategies to protect her in the meantime. I've got a bag packed in the trunk of my car with supplies for an overnight hotel stay for me and my daughter. I haven't used it yet, but my therapist reminded me that it would be legal for me to do something like that (I've threatened to before, and my husband threatened to call the police if I do).

The main thing I'm afraid of is my daughter getting hurt, but the other thing I'm afraid of is "the truth coming out" before I'm ready. As is the case with a lot of abusers, my husband has been able to hide it really well, and I've been complicit in this. His family has no idea what's going on. My daughter's teachers don't know. Her friends' parents don't know. Her pediatrician doesn't know. People from our church don't know. From the outside we probably look like a wonderful loving family.

Once I file for divorce and move out, they'll all find out that, at the very least, things weren't all as wonderful as it seemed. And I'm expecting a smear campaign and my husband turning his family and the church against me and all that, but at least that will all happen from the "safety" of having already divorced him and moved out.

Basically, my husband really, really hates looking bad to other people, and he'll be really, really angry at me if anyone outside just the three of us finds out about what's going on. Yet, it might be getting to the point where we can't keep it hidden for much longer. Now, my therapist thinks it would actually be a good thing if that happened, but I'm the one that will have to keep living with this guy after that.

[livednlearned]

Oof. Your situation brings back memories for me.

Will your husband want to be involved in play therapy?

In my experience with play therapy, the sessions can take a while to build trust and get feedback from the therapist. But I was already in the process of divorce so I wasn't in quite the same place on the timeline you're in.

Are you concerned what might come out during the intake process?

I'm sorry for not following more closely about whether you've already consulted an attorney? Maybe you mentioned it and I missed it. If not, is that an option for you?

[Gerda]

Oof. Your situation brings back memories for me.

Will your husband want to be involved in play therapy?

In my experience with play therapy, the sessions can take a while to build trust and get feedback from the therapist. But I was already in the process of divorce so I wasn't in quite the same place on the timeline you're in.

Are you concerned what might come out during the intake process?

I'm sorry for not following more closely about whether you've already consulted an attorney? Maybe you mentioned it and I missed it. If not, is that an option for you?

Thankfully he consented to putting her in play therapy. I doubt he'll be very involved in it. He's not involved with much else in her life, so I'm sure this will go the same way where I'm the one who has to find the therapist, take her to appointments, etc. That's probably a good thing.

I guess the thing that worries me is my therapist brought up someone calling CPS. That makes me think I'd better be careful what I say to make sure I don't make things sound so bad that CPS gets involved.

(On the other hand, it was kind of validating to hear that my husband's behavior really is bad enough that it wouldn't be "unreasonable" as she put it, for a mandatory reporter to call CPS.)

But meanwhile here we are talking with her preschool teachers about limiting screentime. It's surreal.

I haven't consulted an attorney yet. I was planning to pretty soon, but I've been so busy with everything. This might motivate me to hurry up though.

I'm getting less and less "conflicted" about divorcing my husband and more and more motivated to just go ahead and do it. It's at the point where I think waiting longer will just do more harm than good.

[ForeverDad]

I was actually surprised he agreed to put our daughter into play therapy at all, but I'm glad he did. She's going to need it.

When we separated, our son was a preschooler, not quite 4 years old.  Three months later I received in the mail a counseling recertification from my work's insurance company.  I had no idea my then-stbEx had done this.  However, it wasn't for my son's welfare, it was for her to build a story how abusive I was.  Her tactic worked for a while but eventually failed of course.  He started with play therapy and had sessions for the next 6 years, more or less, until he proudly 'graduated'.

It is so good your child can have play therapy.  I recall my lawyer telling me, "Courts love counseling!"  Court is unlikely to order the adults to therapy - it doesn't try to fix either parent but treats each parent as he or she is - but sometimes they will order Anger Management classes if they believe there is actionable basis, whatever actionable means.

Starting a divorce almost always starts with an order for both parents to attend parenting classes, my ex and I were in separate classes of course since we had rather high conflict and my ex was posturing as a poor helpless victim.  I was always amazed how she was such an aggressive victim, but that's a story for another day.

[Gerda]

When we separated, our son was a preschooler, not quite 4 years old.  Three months later I received in the mail a counseling recertification from my work's insurance company.  I had no idea my then-stbEx had done this.  However, it wasn't for my son's welfare, it was for her to build a story how abusive I was.  Her tactic worked for a while but eventually failed of course.  He started with play therapy and had sessions for the next 6 years, more or less, until he proudly 'graduated'.

It is so good your child can have play therapy.  I recall my lawyer telling me, "Courts love counseling!"  Court is unlikely to order the adults to therapy - it doesn't try to fix either parent but treats each parent as he or she is - but sometimes they will order Anger Management classes if they believe there is actionable basis, whatever actionable means.

Starting a divorce almost always starts with an order for both parents to attend parenting classes, my ex and I were in separate classes of course since we had rather high conflict and my ex was posturing as a poor helpless victim.  I was always amazed how she was such an aggressive victim, but that's a story for another day.

I do worry quite a bit about my husband trying to portray me as the crazy abusive one once the divorce really starts. He'll probably try to turn his family against me (which is sad, because I actually have a really good relationship with the in-laws), probably also our church (so I won't get to go to that church anymore), and more worryingly, the courts in any kind of custody battle.

I have read Splitting now, so I know I'm going to have be basically the perfect parent in every way to make sure that doesn't work.

[zondolit]

Gerda,

I feel for the very hard situation you are in. I think of how awful my marriage was and how awful my divorce is, but there's nothing like that gut-wrenching in-between space when I was slowly recognizing I had to leave my husband but had not yet done so. It made me sick to my stomach.

One friend described it as riding a rollercoaster with her husband and making the decision to jump off. The scariest move ever. And then she landed in a field of flowers. From her resting place she could see her ex-husband still riding that darn rollercoaster. But we have no guarantee our landing will be soft, of course! And divorce is brutal. I can say I do not regret my decision to "jump."

It took me some time to build up the courage and adjust to a new view of myself. It was really, really hard to publicly break the idea that we were the perfect couple and family. It was really hard to feel I was "outing" my husband, for some, and being subjected to a false "outing" myself through accusations my husband spread. It was really hard for me to make such a big move; I prefer to be a passive observer.

But the honesty of the divorce is also such a relief to me after years of keeping up the facade. It has become a lightness. I feel so light.

I have lost friends through the process. I have been subjected to false rumors spread by my husband. But the divorce has also been revealing: I see how people respond and it helps me know if they are people I can trust or not. While I have lost friends, I have gained others and become closer with others. My vulnerability has opened up vulnerability in others, leading to closer friendships.

Best of all, my relationship with my children has, against everything I ever heard about divorce, gotten stronger. Essentially my marriage was getting in the way of my parenting. I will choose my relationship with my children over a husband any day. That is actually easy for me. The hard part was recognizing I was in a situation where I HAD to choose. I grieved the healthy family I desired where I wasn't forced to choose between husband or children but could have both, with one relationship making the others stronger and vice versa.

I still attend my church (as does my STB ex at times) and it's a mixed bag. At this point I'd say I see the limits of my church. On the other hand, how many women have come to me kindly, with tears in their eyes, to thank me for my words (after I spoke publicly about my divorce one Sunday)?

If you decide to divorce, you will be surprised--in a good way--by some people's response. You will find support in some unlikely places, and this has been a delight to me. 

Take small steps that do not commit you to any one path. Consult a lawyer. Whenever you can, move away from confusion and toward clarity, away from falsity and facade and toward openness, vulnerability, and truth. God will take care of you--and your daughter and your husband.

Do you have anyone besides your therapist who you can talk with openly? This was a huge help to me through my decision to divorce.

[zondolit]

During my last session, my therapist asked me how I think I can get him to finally stop doing this, and I said, "divorce him." I've tried everything else.

It took me some time to get from the intellectual realization I had to divorce to the emotional, psychological, and logistical place where I could. Sometimes others tried to hurry me along and that made it worse. We have to be patient with ourselves.

I have read Splitting now, so I know I'm going to have be basically the perfect parent in every way to make sure that doesn't work.

There's no such thing as a perfect parent! But I know what you mean: in a divorce and custody situation we have to be careful because (in my case at least) my STB ex is eager to find anything I'm doing wrong. But that aside, the important thing is that you are available for your daughter and validate her. You will make mistakes, and then you own them and apologize to your daughter. In many ways, it's so easy. A delight.

[livednlearned]

I haven't consulted an attorney yet. I was planning to pretty soon, but I've been so busy with everything. This might motivate me to hurry up though.

Go at the pace that works for you. 

Look at it like information gathering. You're in charge. They will of course be the subject matter experts, and they can give you some insight that may help you think about your marriage and other choices with greater clarity.

I remember reading in one of Harriet Lerner's books about not judging people in abusive relationships about whether to leave or not. It was such a relief to read that. There are so many moving parts and the timing, although it's never quite right, can also be very wrong. So if you consult with an attorney and then sit on it for a while as you think through things, that's ok.

It's one of the blessings of this site. There are so many people here who understand what you're going through and why we wait.

Having said that, I do think it's important for many of us to consult with an attorney whether there's a plan to leave quickly or not. Our marriages tend to be a high-wire act and it's like having a net below just in case things go sideways. 

[Skip]

Have you every taken the Mosaic test? I think we could all advise you better if we have a sense of the risk.


The testing service will need your email address to send you results

My husband has never actually physically assaulted me, only threatened to.

In a situation like this, its helpful to better understand the risk of escalation.

But I do know that when you are leaving, their behavior tends to get much worse. Which is why I feel like I need to take every precaution.

This is smart. The highest risk period is leaving and shortly thereafter so, yes, you do want to have a reliable plan in place to be safe.

Most of what I've read is about women leaving relationships that are physically abusive. Bad enough that the woman can get a protective order. I'm not in that bad of a situation.

Whenever you file for divorce, they will issue a protective order.
My thoughts.

The say that "sunlight is the best disinfectant". And it is probably best to let the light in in stages rather than keep everyone in the dark and then suddenly fling the door open.

I would systematically start to dial people in.

Does your husband have a parent, a brother or a best friend that he respects? And that you can trust?

Video and journals will be very helpful here. Not a massive data collection, but a record that shows a periodicity and tracks events over time. It will help you keep it im perspective, too. Sometimes we overstate or understate these things to ourselves.

[Gerda]

My thoughts.

The say that "sunlight is the best disinfectant". And it is probably best to let the light in in stages rather than keep everyone in the dark and then suddenly fling the door open.

Does your husband have a parent, a brother or a best friend that he respects? And that you can trust?

That's a good question. I've considered telling his mom some things, since we have a good relationship. She calls me her "second daughter." She thanked me so much for giving her her only grandchild. We do things like go to lunch together, or plays or movies.

But she's also in her 80's now and probably doesn't have much time left. She's showing maybe a little bit of cognitive decline. I was kind of hoping she'd go to her death bed never knowing her son's marriage was anything other than great. So I'm really torn. Right after my husband first threatened to punch me in the face, and I was so angry at him for crossing that line, one thing I said was "what would your mother think?" She's the only person in the world whose opinion he might care about.

I could see it going either way. Certainly my husband would want all of his family to take his side 100% and would feel very betrayed if they don't. His mom seems to be a bit of an enabler too. Her husband was abusive towards her (my husband has told me about this), and she put up with it until the day he died. I could see her either being very disappointed in her son for turning out this way and feeling empathy towards me, or she might minimize or make excuses for his behavior and feel like I should put up with it and stay together for the sake of keeping the family together just like she did with her husband. It's really hard for me to predict.

My husband also has a brother and sister. The sister lives locally, but the brother lives in another state. I've considered telling one of them too. They're less close, and I could almost see a possibility that if I told them what was going on, they might say, "We're surprised you put up with him for as long as you did!" Especially his brother. He and his brother had some kind of big fight around the time of our wedding, and his brother threatened to not come for a while until their mom got involved and talked him into it. I never found out what that was all about, but it really makes me wonder if he's shown some BPD type traits to his siblings before, so at least they may know that he's a difficult person to get along with.

The thing is, I'm also not very close with his brother or sister, so they might just want to stay out of it.

I hope to at least maintain a civil relationship with the in-laws for the sake of my daughter. She loves her Grandma and Aunt and Uncles. But my therapist says I need to be emotionally prepared for losing that whole half of my family in the divorce.

[Notwendy]

About the secrecy- I have a mother with BPD. It was an unspoken family rule to not say anything about her behavior to others. On occasion, if we did- there were consequences- my parents would get very angry. She could hold it together in public. Nobody had a clue about what went on in our house.

I agree with sunlight being the best disinfectant but from my own experience, I would not start with your H's family and especially not his mother. Families operate in a system and in a way, enabling and secrecy involves the entire family as a form of holding things together. Other family members compensate in dysfunctional family dynamics -especially Karpman triangle dynamics-even if they do not have a disorder. Your H's mother knows him very well. Before you were ever in the picture- she was his protector and also possibly his enabler. Of course she loves you- and you are also an emotional caregiver for her son, and your keeping up images is someting she may see as good for him. But if you "break that family rule" she may go all Momma Bear against you.

This doesn't mean you don't bring in sunlight- but you are feeling vulnerable at the moment and so- share information with people who can be supportive of you. For me, having boundaries with my BPD mother resulted in unexpected reactions from family members who were connected to her. If had to have boundaries- that would suggest their might be a problem. If the family rule is to keep BPD mother's behavior a secret- then having boundaries was just causing problems. So they turned to protect my BPD mother.

So yes, let the sunlight in --- but from my own experience, I would not choose your H's family members as a first step.

[Skip]

I could see her either being very disappointed in her son for turning out this way and feeling empathy towards me, or she might minimize or make excuses for his behavior and feel like I should put up with it and stay together for the sake of keeping the family together just like she did with her husband. It's really hard for me to predict.

I'd make it about your daughter ("affect this is having on my 4 year old"). And I would make it about helping him be a better father. I think it will help to have some independent assessment of how this is affecting the daughter.

As for picking someone to talk to him, you need someone who is protective of the child (that won't be hard to find) and that can go "man to man" with your husband in a constructive way. People will step in to help a family.

I would diplomatically bring that to the attention of school so that they can be looking for any signs of problems with your daughter and support her.

Let the light in a bit at a time.

And yes, don't make this about a domestic dispute or appear to be seeking allies to take your side... everyone will steer clear of that.

[Gerda]

I agree with sunlight being the best disinfectant but from my own experience, I would not start with your H's family and especially not his mother. Families operate in a system and in a way, enabling and secrecy involves the entire family as a form of holding things together. Other family members compensate in dysfunctional family dynamics -especially Karpman triangle dynamics-even if they do not have a disorder. Your H's mother knows him very well. Before you were ever in the picture- she was his protector and also possibly his enabler. Of course she loves you- and you are also an emotional caregiver for her son, and your keeping up images is something she may see as good for him. But if you "break that family rule" she may go all Momma Bear against you.

This is a really good point. I was thinking about this comment last night (I did that thing again where I woke up at 3 am and started ruminating and couldn't get back to sleep for an hour or two), and realizing that there have been several examples over the years of this sort of thing going on with my husband's family.

Probably the worst example was when my husband's father started showing signs of dementia. My husband and I first noticed it and talked between ourselves about whether we should tell anyone. My husband ended up telling his sister, and at first she was in denial about it and said their father had always been that way. When it got bad enough that she finally couldn't deny it anymore, she still refused to tell their mother or father because it would "break mom's heart," and especially no one should tell their father because "he always liked to think of himself as an intellectual" and it would bruise his ego.

Meanwhile his driving kept getting worse and worse. After mentioning to my husband several times that I really don't feel comfortable with him driving anymore and we really need to take his keys away, I finally insisted that if he's going to keep driving, I refuse to get in the car and I also refuse to have our daughter ride in the car with him driving anymore.

He finally had an accident where he turned left in front of oncoming traffic, but luckily no one was hurt. I thought that was going finally be their wake-up call, but they just said that other car must have been coming really fast.

Then a few months later he had a serious accident, again by turning left into an oncoming car. He came out with only some bumps and bruises, but the car was totaled, my mother-in-law suffered a couple of broken ribs, and the 20 year old girl he collided with was seriously injured and spent weeks in the hospital. When my husband called me at work about it, my first thought was "oh no it finally happened." I wasn't surprised at all, and said it's a miracle no one was killed.

When we visited my MIL in the hospital that evening, she blamed herself because she was looking at her phone and instead of watching what my FIL was doing. I realized this whole time since the first accident she had been basically trying to co-pilot him from the passenger seat. My FIL just kept saying "that girl must have been going really fast," and didn't even seem to fully understand what was happening or where he was half the time. I got a bit angry that he was trying to blame that poor girl that was now in serious condition in the hospital, and the rest of the family was kind of nodding along with it.

They did finally take his keys away after that, but it never should have gotten to that point. That let me know that they'd rather put people's lives in danger than say anything that would hurt someone's feelings.

So after thinking all of this through, I've come to the conclusion that my husband's family are going to be no help in this situation. In fact, it's probably going to get ugly once I break the family rule of going along in denial that anything's wrong until it's impossible to any longer. Because once it gets to that point, that's when someone's gotten seriously hurt, or the authorities have gotten involved, or some other disaster like that.

[Skip]

Did you have a chance to take the mosaic test?

[Gerda]

I finally did. I got a 7 out of 10 with a quality of 130 out of 200.