Are these examples of Emotional Abuse/Withholding, or do I need to "suck it up"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My Undiagnosed High Functioning BPD wife through the years has been pretty decent most days. But on the days that she's not it's a complete 180 from how she normally acts, then "Snaps" back into place like nothing happened. I have below some examples/quotes.

"Why don't you invent a real product that makes us some REAL money and not this chincey PLEASE READ "we" have been making thus far." (Mind you, she does not work...she wanted to be a stay at home mom, and was ok with that as long as I could afford it...That year made 6 figures...also had previously paid off her student debts and prior divorce debt tot total around $60k)

"Why do people cheat on their spouses? If they are married and aren't happy, then just leave. But definitely don't just cheat." (She had cheated on her abusive ex husband with a married co worked, while still married...who then that co worker offered to officiate our wedding when we got engaged... no one else in her office knew and she swore me to secrecy). I understood the reason why she did what she did and don't fault her for it, but own your decisions. Don't ignore them.

Anytime we watch the office and Steve Carell takes off his shirt to show his hairy chest "EWWWW no one wants to see that harry mess! Yuck"...I have a hairy chest and back...still do...

"You know, you said when we first started dating that you were going to be making "xxxxx" a month on this new product that you were inventing and I have yet to see that happen yet" (said this on several occasions throughout our marriage...and the later part of our marriage I actually did make "xxxxx" that year based on that very product that paid for her graduate degree and previous divorce debt.

"You hardly get to spend anytime with your daughter"...I was working 40 for weeks during that period... Went home everyday after work, never went out with friends in the evening unless special occasion. Took daughter to preschool, helped put her to bed, cooked dinner as soon as i got home and then spent the rest of the night with my wife watching a movie or tv show with her.

If I ever corrected her on something that was blatantly wrong she would tell me Im being rude and to stop it.

I am who I am. But every time we are around her parents, she is always reminding me not to talk about Politics, religion or say any curse words around them...which means I pretty much stay quiet....and of course then that means I can't have a glass of wine while seeing them either because of whatever. Never really got a reason for that.

If I am in a bad mood, or grumpy from something at work, she keeps asking in an aggressive tone, "Why are you always so angry?" but if our daughter is angry or upset about something, she validates her by saying "Its ok to be angry honey, its good to feel those feelings". If I'm not "Hallmark Happy", then I am the problem.

"You need to go to a doctor and get your junk looked at. I need sex everyday and this isn't working for me right now"....she sexually assaulted me a few times 7 years ago when we were trying to get pregnant. Now being treated for Sexual Trauma/PTSD as a result of those episodes as I tried to ignore it and hunker down and move forward. Not a wise action and wouldn't;t recommend it.

"Would ask me to lie to EVERYBODY about the fleas in her moms house, and to continue to "just dress our daughter in long sleeves, a turtle neck and knee high socks, with bug spray" in order to play/stay an grandmas, as those fleas would eat my daughters body and my legs for years. I told her to get it fixed...she said nothing she could do because her mom was worried the cats would "get cancer" if she put flea collars on them...but ok with spraying down her ONLY grandchild with bug spray... So much better. Then change her before heading to FIL house so he wouldn't get suspicious. BTW MIL kept thermostat at 80degrees during the summer.



Has ask REPEATEDLY for years for me to lie on her behalf around family members over a wide variety of issues.

I'm a rather decent cook, and when I make something she makes all these "Yummy sounds" and moaning about how good it is. Im eating the same meal, and not to toot my own horn, I would agree that it may be good, or at least I know what to do differently next time to make it better. Then we eat at my mother in laws, she cooks...and its HORRIBLE, BLAND over cooked food...she makes the same noises to her mom...and the food is genuinely bad and offered to cook while there and "give her mom a break"...who I am starting to see as also having Quiet BPD as well.

Everyone in the room maybe cursing around our child, My parents curse a lot, just in conversation which is where I get it from. But if everyone else is cursing, and I let one slip by accident (generally very good around our daughter and proud of myself for it) and she jumps on me shooting me or saying "watch your language around the baby" and my mom then says the "F word" right in front of my daughter and my wife doesn't say a thing.

Anytime I ask her not to do something, not spend any extra money because we are broke, or anything "extra" that can get cut, she just starts crying and stomps off like I just killed her cat.

Thoughts? Just some samples throughout the years...

[boundriesrus]

My Undiagnosed High Functioning BPD wife through the years has been pretty decent most days. But on the days that she's not it's a complete 180 from how she normally acts, then "Snaps" back into place like nothing happened. I have below some examples/quotes.

"Why don't you invent a real product that makes us some REAL money and not this chincey PLEASE READ "we" have been making thus far." (Mind you, she does not work...she wanted to be a stay at home mom, and was ok with that as long as I could afford it...That year made 6 figures...also had previously paid off her student debts and prior divorce debt tot total around $60k)

"Why do people cheat on their spouses? If they are married and aren't happy, then just leave. But definitely don't just cheat." (She had cheated on her abusive ex husband with a married co worked, while still married...who then that co worker offered to officiate our wedding when we got engaged... no one else in her office knew and she swore me to secrecy). I understood the reason why she did what she did and don't fault her for it, but own your decisions. Don't ignore them.

Anytime we watch the office and Steve Carell takes off his shirt to show his hairy chest "EWWWW no one wants to see that harry mess! Yuck"...I have a hairy chest and back...still do...

"You know, you said when we first started dating that you were going to be making "xxxxx" a month on this new product that you were inventing and I have yet to see that happen yet" (said this on several occasions throughout our marriage...and the later part of our marriage I actually did make "xxxxx" that year based on that very product that paid for her graduate degree and previous divorce debt.

"You hardly get to spend anytime with your daughter"...I was working 40 for weeks during that period... Went home everyday after work, never went out with friends in the evening unless special occasion. Took daughter to preschool, helped put her to bed, cooked dinner as soon as i got home and then spent the rest of the night with my wife watching a movie or tv show with her.

If I ever corrected her on something that was blatantly wrong she would tell me Im being rude and to stop it.

I am who I am. But every time we are around her parents, she is always reminding me not to talk about Politics, religion or say any curse words around them...which means I pretty much stay quiet....and of course then that means I can't have a glass of wine while seeing them either because of whatever. Never really got a reason for that.

If I am in a bad mood, or grumpy from something at work, she keeps asking in an aggressive tone, "Why are you always so angry?" but if our daughter is angry or upset about something, she validates her by saying "Its ok to be angry honey, its good to feel those feelings". If I'm not "Hallmark Happy", then I am the problem.

"You need to go to a doctor and get your junk looked at. I need sex everyday and this isn't working for me right now"....she sexually assaulted me a few times 7 years ago when we were trying to get pregnant. Now being treated for Sexual Trauma/PTSD as a result of those episodes as I tried to ignore it and hunker down and move forward. Not a wise action and wouldn't;t recommend it.

"Would ask me to lie to EVERYBODY about the fleas in her moms house, and to continue to "just dress our daughter in long sleeves, a turtle neck and knee high socks, with bug spray" in order to play/stay an grandmas, as those fleas would eat my daughters body and my legs for years. I told her to get it fixed...she said nothing she could do because her mom was worried the cats would "get cancer" if she put flea collars on them...but ok with spraying down her ONLY grandchild with bug spray... So much better. Then change her before heading to FIL house so he wouldn't get suspicious. BTW MIL kept thermostat at 80degrees during the summer.



Has ask REPEATEDLY for years for me to lie on her behalf around family members over a wide variety of issues.

I'm a rather decent cook, and when I make something she makes all these "Yummy sounds" and moaning about how good it is. Im eating the same meal, and not to toot my own horn, I would agree that it may be good, or at least I know what to do differently next time to make it better. Then we eat at my mother in laws, she cooks...and its HORRIBLE, BLAND over cooked food...she makes the same noises to her mom...and the food is genuinely bad and offered to cook while there and "give her mom a break"...who I am starting to see as also having Quiet BPD as well.

Everyone in the room maybe cursing around our child, My parents curse a lot, just in conversation which is where I get it from. But if everyone else is cursing, and I let one slip by accident (generally very good around our daughter and proud of myself for it) and she jumps on me shooting me or saying "watch your language around the baby" and my mom then says the "F word" right in front of my daughter and my wife doesn't say a thing.

Anytime I ask her not to do something, not spend any extra money because we are broke, or anything "extra" that can get cut, she just starts crying and stomps off like I just killed her cat.

Thoughts? Just some samples throughout the years...

[kells76]

Hey boundariesrus,

A lot of that sounds familiar, especially the "rules for you but not for me" type thinking. It's no fun when that kind of stuff comes up.

Thoughts? Just some samples throughout the years...

I think my thoughts are going to depend on your goal -- what would you say you're interested in? Talking with others who've gone through something similar? Improving your relationship? Having less of those kinds of statements in your life? ...other?

[boundriesrus]

Hi Kells76

More so just looking for validation in the fact that I am not "being petty" and that stuff like this for YEARS can wear you down and can be emotionally abusive. I would also open it up to others and their experiences and examples of that type of abuse. "Double standards" could be the Title of our Marriage, if it were a book.

Also to add, she would ask me repeatedly to stop working, come outside to unreal the garden hose for her, turn on the water, so "she could water the plants" then when she was done, tell me to roll up the hose and put it away. Or "grab me some cokes before you go downstairs, as I am halfway down the stairs, and she is yelling it from the Pantry...where she is...and where the cookies are.

Or walk into the bedroom (Im in bed already and done) and state, "O no honey I forgot my water in the kitchen, can you go grab it for me please"...I look at her and go, I think you are capable of getting it yourself as you are still walking around. Then throws a hissy fit to the point of dragging my leg out of bed to pull my whole body out so I would go grab the water. Just very demeaning and I would eventually just give up as I was tired of listening to it.

[Gerda]

It seems like having double standards is a pretty common thing with BPD/NPD type personality disorders. My husband has a lot of his own versions of this.

Like he complains a lot that I'm not "pulling my weight around here," because I don't help much with household repairs (I admit that kind of thing is more his area of expertise). We used to have tons of horrible fights about this because then I'd try to defend myself by pointing out that we both work full time jobs, but I'm the one that also gets our daughter ready for school, takes her to school, picks her up from school, makes dinner, and puts her to bed during the week. Then I look after her almost all weekend (while he's off doing pretty much whatever he wants), and do almost all the dishes and laundry. I keep track of and take her to all of her medical appointments, buy her clothes, go to parent-teacher conferences alone. I told him if he thinks our division of labor is unfair, let's sit down and make a list of what each of us does and how much time it takes and how much "free" time each of us has and see if it's fair. I told him I'll even make myself a time sheet showing how many hours of each day I spend doing various tasks so he can see if I'm really not "pulling my weight" around here.

That always just got him into a rage and he'd scream about how I'm "accusing [him] of being a slacker." When the whole thing started when he accused me of being a slacker.

Sometimes I don't know if their double standards and hypocrisy are intentional gaslighting or true delusions. Just the other day he was talking about how he thinks I need to spend more time with our daughter and maybe that will help some of the behavioral problems she's having at school, and I reminded him that I'm with her pretty much all the time when I'm not at work. He reacted like "oh, ok," like he didn't even think of that.