Not even planning to leave

[15years]

I also try to validate her feelings but I'm being careful what I say to not upset her and avoid saying things she can interpret as promises of some sort, which she has a tendency to do

[Notwendy]

Where will this end if I stay and don't meet her wishes?

This seems like an ultimatum with two choices if you stay- one being a marriage without sex, the other, a possible baby. Her refusal to use birth control has drawn the line in the sand.

The possible child is not the problem in this situation. Your concern is about bringing another child into a disordered relationship, and with a disordered parent. This is a valid concern but you are choosing to stay with this person and if she's refusing to use birth control, the result is a marriage without sex if you want to hold your boundary.

In addition, you are attempting to hold your boundary against your own biology- sleeping in the same bed and trying to abtain from sex while being sleep deprived. I'm not suggesting you don't have willpower or control but this isn't the best situation for overcoming biological drives.

[15years]

This seems like an ultimatum with two choices if you stay- one being a marriage without sex, the other, a possible baby. Her refusal to use birth control has drawn the line in the sand.

The possible child is not the problem in this situation. Your concern is about bringing another child into a disordered relationship, and with a disordered parent. This is a valid concern but you are choosing to stay with this person and if she's refusing to use birth control, the result is a marriage without sex if you want to hold your boundary.

In addition, you are attempting to hold your boundary against your own biology- sleeping in the same bed and trying to abtain from sex while being sleep deprived. I'm not suggesting you don't have willpower or control but this isn't the best situation for overcoming biological drives.

True, very true.

Tomorrow is her birthday and she has set an ultimatum that I need to co-operate with her and make plans for the future, if not she'll kill me (figure of speech). Not that she is going to do that, I know her that well, but still paints a picture how aggressive she is around this subject.

[yellowbutterfly]

Do you have a safety plan?

My xH uBPD used physical threats and emotional threats (suicide, buying a gun, etc) to try to get what he wanted. I learned that even if they are hyperbolic and "just words" (you think you know her well enough she will not follow through) - she is disordered and there is no logic in this mental illness.

I don't mean to be alarmist but a safety plan might be necessary even long term if you decide to leave.

[ForeverDad]

And we circle around yet again.  There's no way to avoid making choices.  Even if we decide not to make a choice, that too is a choice.

[15years]

And we circle around yet again.  There's no way to avoid making choices.  Even if we decide not to make a choice, that too is a choice.

Any practical changes I can make to kind of find my way in the jungle of "what if-thoughts"?

I just feel that it's so crazy and a whole new world to not be a couple with her. We've been together since I was 15, now I'm 33... I find it hard to believe I would go back if I only got some start. It's the decision to change something that's hard. I would never make a decision to go back if it would be easier to not go back.