Why Should We? A bit of a vent.

[CopperLeaves]

Hi everyone,

So I just need to say what's on my mind to someone who gets it...

Everything I read about how to respond to our pwBPD is full of longwinded platitudes and sentences. It's like we have to put them first always - validate their feelings, suppress our natural responses (which are an expression of our feelings!).
 I totally understand it, and have naturally used these sorts of techniques in the relationship as I've learned some of it through trial and error. Through walking on eggshells.

I'm posting this to vent, though! I feel angry that we have to go to so much effort for the people who mistreat us. I know this is mental illness- like I said, I get it, and see the merits in it. The thing is, many of us family members ALSO have struggles - whether mental health, neurodivergence, trauma etc, yet the pwBPD doesn't consider that when they accuse, lie, blame, shun, badmouth etc. Yet the advice is for me to first acknowledge their feelings. It feels like gaslighting myself.

It feels like prioritising someone who mistreats me. Prioritise THEIR mental health needs, regardless of ur own. I'm angry at this person right now. They have really hurt me and are on a smear/distortion campaign. Yet when they deem me worthy of their notice again I will have to say something like 'I can see you are upset about blah blah, and I am sorry if my actions made you feel blah blah. Perhaps when we are both calm we can meet to talk through how to prevent blah blah...' etc etc.

The irony of this is - this IS walking on eggshells. It's literally scripting to avoid setting them off. I love the book, but it should be called 'How to Walk on Eggshells Effectively.'

It denies our natural responses and expressions, delays our needs, implies our emotional state is second to the pwBPD's, that we must wait, hold it in, deny ourselves. We disempower ourselves and our voices when we do this. I know it makes conflict worse, however why shouldn't we defend ourselves?

Why shouldn't I set the example for my other kids that when someone is mean or abusive that they have the right to defend themselves there and then? rather than prioritise validating their abuser's feelings first before tending to their own needs?

I'm so sick of being so bloody 'nice' to someone who at the drop of the hat will treat me like something unpleasant that they stepped in.

Thanks for reading - I needed to get this off my chest. I guess here are some of the feelings I've had to 'swallow' over the years whilst remaining calm and attentive during my pwBPD's tirades about what and awful parent I am and how they are so much better than me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

oooh!  I love this!  I say this ALLLLL the time!  It is so hard to just "swallow" the cruel words (quick version, my BPD cut ties with our family; the last conversation with her, she said, "I was the reason for her issues", because I was not "present" when she was a child (I pondered this for months); I did EVERYthing in my power to be there for her when she was diagnosed with BPD (I would sleep over her apartment twice a week); around August 2023, she texted me "your constant interaction is not helping with my mental health journey", so, I mail holiday card & a gift card; (Christmas and her bday just about did me in); as you reference, I have a very stressful job & battle my own anxiety issues, sometimes I wonder, when/if she is ready to re-concile, who (but me) will even care?  her sister said "if she is going to treat everyone like crap, let her wallow" (easier said that done), kudos to you for saying what I think!  as my title states, BPD really, truly STINKS! 

[Pook075]

The goal is to stop walking on eggshells entirely, and that happens through boundaries and better communication.  Nowhere in the book did you read that you should accept abuse.

I think the part you're missing, that many people miss, is that the goal is not to have someone with BPD always unstable that's blaming you for everything and lashing out in frustration.  I don't do that AT ALL with either of the BPD's in my life (ex wife, young adult daughter).  When they're unhinged, I'll try to affirm their feelings and calm them/center them.  But if they start blaming me or telling me what I must do, then I end the conversation. 

Simply put, I will not participate in their rants and I will not argue.  After doing this several times, I stopped being the one they called or visited when they wanted to just lash out at the world.  Our conversations are calm, pleasant, and balanced.

Likewise, I don't get involved with drama.  I don't care who said what to who and why it's a catastrophic problem in your life.  I'll simply say, "If you don't deal with people like that anymore, you don't have to put up with all that stuff.  You're choosing to prioritize those toxic relationships."  I've said that so many times over the past ten years, my ex and my daughter cut me off before I finish the sentence saying, "I know, I know.....stop validating toxic relationships." 

It's a boundary and I just don't do it...take that drama to someone else.

Here's the thing though, the part people tend to completely miss.  As long as you're walking on eggshells and inside that "trust circle" where all the drama and distorted thinking happens, you get the hurricane.  They know you'll argue, plead, etc. and go right down the rabbit hole with them.  Once you stop feeding that though, then the relationship changes.  My ex wife no longer yells at me or blames me for anything.  My daughter leans on me for balanced, logical advice...without all the trauma attached.  The relationships are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT because I don't walk on eggshells.

As many people have said here over the years, none of this is intuitive and when you try to create a healthy boundary, the BPD will push back since they don't like changes.  That's to be expected and it's where you have to dig in, so to speak, and make the boundary even more known.  It's saying, "I do not accept this in my life any longer, so if that's the path you choose, then here's what I have to do to protect my feelings.  I don't want to do any of this, but it's your choice to respect me or do your own thing."

I hope that helps...and so you know I completely understand your frustrations.  It took me years to really figure out how to have productive conversations that didn't go off the rails.  But now that I've made those adjustments, none of that drama and raging feelings come my way anymore.  I have pleasant conversations where I simply have to be a little more mindful of their emotional state.  I now do that with everyone though and it has benefited me greatly in life.