Radical Acceptance Challenge

[Parents! Get help here!]

This is not my first post, but for some odd reason, I only seem to be able to post under the new member option:

I almost feel guilty writing this, since things are "calm," yet I'd still be interest in other's thoughts.

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD unofficially when she was 13. There's been some tough times with self-harm, hospital stays and reliance on marijuana. She also has Tourette's and it turns out the marijuana helps to manage the symptoms so I've reluctantly accepted it's usage, and she has a medical marijuana card.

She's 20 now. The good news:  she's in college a few hours away from home, and loves the curriculum. She was able to spend a semester abroad and flourished, making friends and soaking up the experience. Technically, our relationship is far better than it ever was, on her terms.

What's challenging for me is how she isolates when she's home, and how she only seems to be able to be around me in small doses. I've long stopped "forcing" my way into her life, and try to accept that the calmness is good, even if I long for a much different relationship. Our dynamic is so outside of "the norm," that I'm saddened by it, yet I figure I "should" be happy at the progress she's made. Here are some examples:

- She's in a theater curriculum and has landed lead roles in her university's productions. Turns out she's got a little something-something re: acting. She excitedly invites me up to see her perform (usually my husband and I go together, sometimes only I am able to attend). Afterwards, I wait for her backstage, walk her back to her apt., and after a grand total of 10 mins, she's ready for me to leave. It's an "antsy-ness", that lets me know it's time to go. I also learned long ago that a meal together, a grabbing a coffee, is out....she always tells me no, so I basically have driven two hours to see her perform, spend 10 mins with her, and then I head back to the hotel, only to get up in the morning, and drive back home.

-When she comes home on break, she isolates in her room. When she comes out, my husband and I call that "D20 sightings,"....she'll come out to run an errand or get a snack. She isn't mean....she'll pick up and cuddle the cat...but often not really have anything to say to us. Then other times, she'll sit in my room and chat a bit, but that's rather rare.

-Christmases as of late are a bit sad for me. I get a kick out of decorating the house and I have this thing about decorating the door to her room. Just a silly way for me to welcome her home. I do know she likes that. She'll come down Christmas day open gifts, thank us, then go back to her room. She won't join us (it's just my husband and I ) for Christmas dinner...she grabs something and eats in her room.

She's home for a week now for Spring Break....I've decorated her door with a spring theme. She liked it. She's of course isolated, I see her for moments at a time. She'll head back Friday. I kind of wondered why she even came home....but I think she likes the quiet...she goes to school in a major busy city. She's polite with thank yous, and letting me know she appreciates what we've done for her (getting her an apartment close to campus, etc.)

-When she has a friend over, it's like she comes alive. She'll chat and joke with the friend present. It's like she's willing to interact with me through the friend....?  

Yet her behavior baffles me. She texts me from college, and has a sense of humor and shares good news with me via the phone. At times she'll hug me when she sees me, other times, no eye contact and just a word here and there...even if we haven't seen each other for months.

I wish I could get over the longing of wanting to have more of a relationship with her. I suppose I have to remind myself that she used to actively hate me, and she used to say awful things to me when she was angered. Perhaps I just have to accept that this is the way it is, and just appreciate the moments in time when she lets me in.

She's had a significant battle with self-harm but seems to have that managed for now - yet I do think she uses the practice of being tattooed to "scratch that itch." She's had hospital stays in the past (and has asked to go to the hospital, it's never been forced). She's on medication and speaks regularly with her (wonderful) therapist....for what it's worth.  

I just ache for something more with her.

[Flora and Fauna]

This is not my first post, but for some odd reason, I only seem to be able to post under the new member option:

I almost feel guilty writing this, since things are "calm," yet I'd still be interest in other's thoughts.

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD unofficially when she was 13. There's been some tough times with self-harm, hospital stays and reliance on marijuana. She also has Tourette's and it turns out the marijuana helps to manage the symptoms so I've reluctantly accepted it's usage, and she has a medical marijuana card.

She's 20 now. The good news:  she's in college a few hours away from home, and loves the curriculum. She was able to spend a semester abroad and flourished, making friends and soaking up the experience. Technically, our relationship is far better than it ever was, on her terms.

What's challenging for me is how she isolates when she's home, and how she only seems to be able to be around me in small doses. I've long stopped "forcing" my way into her life, and try to accept that the calmness is good, even if I long for a much different relationship. Our dynamic is so outside of "the norm," that I'm saddened by it, yet I figure I "should" be happy at the progress she's made. Here are some examples:

- She's in a theater curriculum and has landed lead roles in her university's productions. Turns out she's got a little something-something re: acting. She excitedly invites me up to see her perform (usually my husband and I go together, sometimes only I am able to attend). Afterwards, I wait for her backstage, walk her back to her apt., and after a grand total of 10 mins, she's ready for me to leave. It's an "antsy-ness", that lets me know it's time to go. I also learned long ago that a meal together, a grabbing a coffee, is out....she always tells me no, so I basically have driven two hours to see her perform, spend 10 mins with her, and then I head back to the hotel, only to get up in the morning, and drive back home.

-When she comes home on break, she isolates in her room. When she comes out, my husband and I call that "D20 sightings,"....she'll come out to run an errand or get a snack. She isn't mean....she'll pick up and cuddle the cat...but often not really have anything to say to us. Then other times, she'll sit in my room and chat a bit, but that's rather rare.

-Christmases as of late are a bit sad for me. I get a kick out of decorating the house and I have this thing about decorating the door to her room. Just a silly way for me to welcome her home. I do know she likes that. She'll come down Christmas day open gifts, thank us, then go back to her room. She won't join us (it's just my husband and I ) for Christmas dinner...she grabs something and eats in her room.

She's home for a week now for Spring Break....I've decorated her door with a spring theme. She liked it. She's of course isolated, I see her for moments at a time. She'll head back Friday. I kind of wondered why she even came home....but I think she likes the quiet...she goes to school in a major busy city. She's polite with thank yous, and letting me know she appreciates what we've done for her (getting her an apartment close to campus, etc.)

-When she has a friend over, it's like she comes alive. She'll chat and joke with the friend present. It's like she's willing to interact with me through the friend....?  

Yet her behavior baffles me. She texts me from college, and has a sense of humor and shares good news with me via the phone. At times she'll hug me when she sees me, other times, no eye contact and just a word here and there...even if we haven't seen each other for months.

I wish I could get over the longing of wanting to have more of a relationship with her. I suppose I have to remind myself that she used to actively hate me, and she used to say awful things to me when she was angered. Perhaps I just have to accept that this is the way it is, and just appreciate the moments in time when she lets me in.

She's had a significant battle with self-harm but seems to have that managed for now - yet I do think she uses the practice of being tattooed to "scratch that itch." She's had hospital stays in the past (and has asked to go to the hospital, it's never been forced). She's on medication and speaks regularly with her (wonderful) therapist....for what it's worth.  

I just ache for something more with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[EyesUp]

Hi F&F,

I recall reading some of your past posts. 

Much of what you describe resonates with me re: my 15yo daughter.  Obviously there's a huge difference between 15 and 20, however I feel like most people under the age of 20 or so were dramatically disrupted by the pandemic in similar ways.

A lot of traditional coming-of-age activities were entirely cancelled and missed:  dances, field trips, parties, all kinds of social events.  An entire generation largely stayed in their rooms for two years - just like you describe - looking at their phones, tablets, chromebooks...

My daughter is in high school, but communicates with me much the way you describe:  She prefers to text vs. speak face to face.  Although I hear her laugh it up and interact "normally" with friends - both on the phone and on occasion when her friends visit, or I drop her off at a friend's house.

I appreciate that young people need to assert their independence and find their own identity, and need to find a way to separate from their parents. Some are compelled to do this in more direct ways than others...

I'm not sure I have words of encouragement or suggestions here - just wanted to say that you're not alone, and while BPD is a huge challenge, some aspects of what you describe may be relatively normal.

Have you tried to ask your D if she's able to have a longer discussion about a, b, c... ?  If so, how does that go?

[Flora and Fauna]

Hi F&F,

I recall reading some of your past posts. 

Much of what you describe resonates with me re: my 15yo daughter.  Obviously there's a huge difference between 15 and 20, however I feel like most people under the age of 20 or so were dramatically disrupted by the pandemic in similar ways.

A lot of traditional coming-of-age activities were entirely cancelled and missed:  dances, field trips, parties, all kinds of social events.  An entire generation largely stayed in their rooms for two years - just like you describe - looking at their phones, tablets, chromebooks...

My daughter is in high school, but communicates with me much the way you describe:  She prefers to text vs. speak face to face.  Although I hear her laugh it up and interact "normally" with friends - both on the phone and on occasion when her friends visit, or I drop her off at a friend's house.

I appreciate that young people need to assert their independence and find their own identity, and need to find a way to separate from their parents. Some are compelled to do this in more direct ways than others...

I'm not sure I have words of encouragement or suggestions here - just wanted to say that you're not alone, and while BPD is a huge challenge, some aspects of what you describe may be relatively normal.

Have you tried to ask your D if she's able to have a longer discussion about a, b, c... ?  If so, how does that go?

Thank you for your response. It honestly helps to just know I'm not alone. It's such a strange existence we have with our children (adult or younger), and it helps to know that someone could try and relate.  Re: your question, I find that it's best if I wait for opportunities...I took a lot of trial and error on my part to understand that until she's ready to talk, I can inadvertently make things worse. Patience truly is a virtue...and REALLY hard for me sometimes....so I try to channel myself into things more...and remember to grab other enjoyment out of life. I just have to admit that having her home tends to make me sad for stretches of time.....and I hate that.

[CC43]

Flora,

What you describe parallels my diagnosed stepdaughter's behavior when she is at her best.  But it also describes the behavior of her other siblings, who aren't disordered.  Basically, the childhood home is a hotel to them.  They don't want intrusive parental attention.  They just want access to free food, lodging and laundry.  They generally aren't hostile, but conversations and togetherness are rare.  I never liked the habit of eating alone in a bedroom.  But that's what they learned, and their father allowed it.

[Flora and Fauna]

Flora,

What you describe parallels my diagnosed stepdaughter's behavior when she is at her best.  But it also describes the behavior of her other siblings, who aren't disordered.  Basically, the childhood home is a hotel to them.  They don't want intrusive parental attention.  They just want access to free food, lodging and laundry.  They generally aren't hostile, but conversations and togetherness are rare.  I never liked the habit of eating alone in a bedroom.  But that's what they learned, and their father allowed it.

Good point. I know what you're saying is true.
It probably exacerbates my feelings that I have friends who seem to have such ideal relationships with their daughters....going out to dinner, watching a movie together. It's simple stuff and the friends aren't bragging to me about it....it's simply their reality ....just the nicest of interactions....and I envy that. But still, you make a very good point.

[EyesUp]

Thank you for your response. It honestly helps to just know I'm not alone. It's such a strange existence we have with our children (adult or younger), and it helps to know that someone could try and relate.  Re: your question, I find that it's best if I wait for opportunities...I took a lot of trial and error on my part to understand that until she's ready to talk, I can inadvertently make things worse. Patience truly is a virtue...and REALLY hard for me sometimes....so I try to channel myself into things more...and remember to grab other enjoyment out of life.

Coming back to the subject - I often post here that I eventually came to understand that "radical acceptance" was not about unconditionally accepting the disordered people in my life... rather, it was accepting what I could change in myself. 

For me, this realization was not "easy" - it's still a heavy lift.  But the realization did open up some new avenues to explore, and a path forward that I didn't previously have.  In that sense, it was a relief.
 

[Flora and Fauna]

Coming back to the subject - I often post here that I eventually came to understand that "radical acceptance" was not about unconditionally accepting the disordered people in my life... rather, it was accepting what I could change in myself. 

For me, this realization was not "easy" - it's still a heavy lift.  But the realization did open up some new avenues to explore, and a path forward that I didn't previously have.  In that sense, it was a relief.
 

I'm slowwwwwly coming to that realization. I'm learning to not put my life on hold...and to live life in the midst of everything, not waiting for a perfect time, because there is no perfect time.

[Pook075]

I can relate with a similar path with my BPD daughter (who turns 25 in a few weeks).  Our relationship is repaired but it's really hit or miss- she called me 4 times yesterday over nothing, and then maybe I won't hear from her for the next week.  She does that with her mom as well.  It's something that I've accepted and I just try to be there for her, on her terms, even though it is definitely a one-sided relationship.  Like you, most of our interactions are when she needs something.

Like your kid, marijuana is involved and she'd prefer to hang out with my brother who smokes.  That's one of my boundaries and why we're not as close- when folks are getting high, I keep my distance and do not normalize that decision.  Likewise, if they ask for help while high, I'll usually decline unless it's an emergency situation.  It helps my kid though and my brother (he has Tourette's) so I keep my judgement to a minimum...it's just not my thing or my life choice.

Do I want more?  I honestly don't know.  Being more active in her life also means I'm in the center of her drama, something I have no aspirations to do.  She still makes bad relationship choices in friends and that makes her unstable, and that's something I cannot control.  When she crashes or gets in trouble, I'm here, and I think that's more important than not having a relationship at all.

I hope that she continues to mature and maybe becomes less selfish in time.  But I have accepted that our relationship may be as good as it gets and I'm okay with that.

[BPDstinks]

I envy my friends' relationships, too!  My best friend is very aware of my situation and her daughter calls me Mama2 (which, is very sweet, yet makes me feel like they pity me (i pity me !) so...I have just decided to share her lovely family!  I look at pictures of my BPD & cards from "before" and simply canNOT fathom how things can change like a lightbulb!  the worst is when I see people I have not seen in years & they ask how the kids are, can I really say, "heck if I know?" I just say, fine & say what I know (via Facebook) I truly cannot believe this is my reality

[Flora and Fauna]

I can relate with a similar path with my BPD daughter (who turns 25 in a few weeks).  Our relationship is repaired but it's really hit or miss- she called me 4 times yesterday over nothing, and then maybe I won't hear from her for the next week.  She does that with her mom as well.  It's something that I've accepted and I just try to be there for her, on her terms, even though it is definitely a one-sided relationship.  Like you, most of our interactions are when she needs something.

Like your kid, marijuana is involved and she'd prefer to hang out with my brother who smokes.  That's one of my boundaries and why we're not as close- when folks are getting high, I keep my distance and do not normalize that decision.  Likewise, if they ask for help while high, I'll usually decline unless it's an emergency situation.  It helps my kid though and my brother (he has Tourette's) so I keep my judgement to a minimum...it's just not my thing or my life choice.

Do I want more?  I honestly don't know.  Being more active in her life also means I'm in the center of her drama, something I have no aspirations to do.  She still makes bad relationship choices in friends and that makes her unstable, and that's something I cannot control.  When she crashes or gets in trouble, I'm here, and I think that's more important than not having a relationship at all.

I hope that she continues to mature and maybe becomes less selfish in time.  But I have accepted that our relationship may be as good as it gets and I'm okay with that.

I appreciate your honesty. I frankly hate that my daughter smokes marijuana. I actually don't notice a high, I notice that she's less anxious and it controls her Tourette's. When she went overseas for a semester in London, OMG the hoops I had to jump through to get medical cannabis there.....London is not cannabis friendly, so it was an expensive undertaking, but I did it.

"One-sided" relationship is a good way to describe it. I am grateful that there is no drama, at least now. It's just the oddity of her being friendly and funny for a time and a delight, to other times being withdrawn, no eye-contact and one word responses...almost robotic...and being way for months doesn't necessarily change that. 

As much as I know the light-heartedness in her is temporary, I miss it when it's gone. I've figured out that once she's finished with college, it's probably best that I support her to live away from us (if she has trouble supporting herself and these days, what new college grad doesn't need help)....as it does a number on my own mental health to have her around for an extended time.

Sometimes we don't have a choice, they have to be around us....but in my case, if I can figure it out money wise, I do think it's better that she lives on her own after college. To her credit, she has a strong work ethic and she seems to want to be self-sustainable. Time will tell.

Maybe this will all get better with time, but I know I have to live in spite of where she is in her own journey....

[Flora and Fauna]

I envy my friends' relationships, too!  My best friend is very aware of my situation and her daughter calls me Mama2 (which, is very sweet, yet makes me feel like they pity me (i pity me !) so...I have just decided to share her lovely family!  I look at pictures of my BPD & cards from "before" and simply canNOT fathom how things can change like a lightbulb!  the worst is when I see people I have not seen in years & they ask how the kids are, can I really say, "heck if I know?" I just say, fine & say what I know (via Facebook) I truly cannot believe this is my reality

THAT is what I dread the MOST, being asked about her. I feel like an imposter in some ways, though I don't owe anyone any explanations. I feel almost deceitful by slapping a happy face on everything, and also self-protective knowing that folks aren't owed any explanations, and unless they're folks who have dealt with mental illness - that they would have great difficulty trying to understand.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[EyesUp]

not waiting for a perfect time, because there is no perfect time.

. <<< wise words.