Feeling Hopeless

[Nancy Ann]

Good Evening,
Although my 23 yo daughter has not been formally diagnosed , I am certain that she has BPD or emotional regulation disorder. It has been almost 5 years of talking , not talking, late night phone calls , crying , blaming , being accused of being abusive and so much more.
We are just devastated , fearful that she will harm herself , but cannot help her in any way . She has been through several therapists and she continually tries to say or do anything she can to hurt us . It is really too
much to bear at times . I am hoping to find support here

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hi!  i wish i had advice!  I am in (almost exactly!) your "boat"; my, now 24 y/o BPD (refused to spend her bday with us...I was PARALYZED with sadness, i felt like I could not even get out of bed (than, i was MAD!  I struggled through a rough depression period during Covid & feel like I finally have my "life" a bit together) anyway, she was diagnosed 3 years ago & let me tell you, i feel like it has been a lifetime; I read all the books, joined a support group (than this WONDERFUL group) have been to therapy; after ALLLLL the visits, texts, pscyh ward visits (truly awful) and vicious, cruel "attacks" (the last:  I am the cause of all of her issues, because I am toxic and was not present when she was a child) (I spent MONTHS pouring over pictures and cards, how did i "miss" this?" I am still befuddled by the whole thing...after much advice, i am doing a "Jesus Take The Wheel", I stopped texting her, mailed her (cute, not emotional (per advice) Christmas/bday (soon to be Easter, big sigh) cards & gift cards; I feel like I should DO more, however, she seems to be in a good "place" and I am terrified to be the one to "rock that boat"; I miss her, however, not the way she makes me feel, my ONE big worry....when/if she decides to "re-enter" the family, I don't know who, but me & her father, will "care"? she totally cut her nieces off (sooo sad, because she was so close to them) and they don't even ask about her anymore; what strikes me as odd...she sent her nonBPD (thank GOD...i can't imagine another of this) sister a bday present and note, saying, "I miss you, sissy", why not "reach out", have lunch?  I too, am lost and sad

[Sancho]

Hi Nancy Ann
I am sure others will disagree but I am not sure there is anything as painful as journeying with a BPD loved one. All that you describe is what happens here. I have bouts of intense emotion - sometimes grief, sometimes huge anxiety sometimes so sad.

It helps me to know others know exactly what I go through. You are not alone.

[Maggie EF]

I apologize for everyone on this thread's pain, including mine. I am sitting here watching my UD16 mull around the garage and then running back and forth to the kitchen, and I'm hoping that she doesn't do anything to harm herself. I am terrified of in-patient programs because I've read about such horror stories, but I'm not sure what to do since I feel like I can't keep her safe.

Earlier, I went into the garage to ask her if she needed help, but she won't speak to me and hasn't spoken to me for a year.

Like everyone here so says that I abused her. She's claiming psychological abuse, and when she describes the abuse, her therapist validates her as we are supposed to but has told me that she's complaining about usual growing-up stuff, not abuse.

Anyway, here we are. I cannot help her, and I can't keep texting the therapist because if we text too much, she charges me $200 a pop.   

So I'm sitting here contemplating, "Accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can." I'm going to pray for clarity around sending her to residential treatment.