UD16 Hates Me and It Hurts

[Maggie EF]

I am new to the world of BPD. January of this year was the first time I heard of it. I started by reading Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents, then I read the regular version.

My daughter has not spoken to me for one year. She claims that she had an abusive childhood and I'm the culprit, the scapegoat, the villain. I recently had to write her life story for our therapist and it broke my heart. That beautiful baby, the wonderful child that I had so much fun with now hates me. I am sad every day. I miss her.

What is worse is that my husband is the enabler, the passive one. And I feel like he is in cahoots with her and often feels undermined, ganged up on, and dismissed. Things are getting better as we've all embarked on therapy. However, it is tough to constantly hear that UD16 doesn't want anything to do with me and won't sit in the same room. If I walk into the kitchen UD16 hides or turns her face and runs away quickly or she will faint or other strange things. 

I'm very sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

hello!  welcome to this amazing group!  My BPD has not spoken to me (other than some random texts) for almost a year (it will be a year 5/24/24, since the last time i physically saw my daughter) like you....I am always in pure disbelief!  (mine is 24 y/o) i look at pictures alllll the time & think, "was it real"? i look at birthday cards from years past, she signed them "from your favorite daughter"; i used to sleep at her plawce when she was first diagnosed (I hated doing that), practically hand fed her when she refused to eat; I have read EVERY single book and still cannot understand!  Christmas & her bday right after, just about took everything in me, not to drive to her apartment & wait for her to come out and saw, SEE me!  I so wish I had some advice, other than...I FINALLY said, "Jesus Take The Wheel" and will just wait...and wait!

[Maggie EF]

It might sound sick but I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. If I see you and you see me, will that make us real? I agree, Jesus Take The Wheel! I don't pray enough. When I wrote the original post, I was having a really hard day. Today I feel a little bit better. I understand that BPD is shame, guilt, depression, anxiety, and so much more. I understand that as a result of that sickness, I am not going to have a sitcom-style relationship but I am determined that this thing won't break us. Today, the manifestation of that is me, keeping my joy, I will sing, dance, laugh, smile, eat dinner with friends, go to museums, I will pray, I will have faith, I will work on myself and become a better version of myself and I wont' give up.

[kells76]

Hi Maggie EF, adding my voice to the

Tension and estrangement with kids hurts a lot; when BPD is involved, that doesn't make it easier. Glad you found us to get some support.

Am I tracking with you that your D16 is undiagnosed? What led you to suspecting BPD?

It's difficult when parents aren't on the same page about parenting, discipline, and family life. How long has your H seemed to "team up" with D16? Any ideas why he chooses to do that?

Things are getting better as we've all embarked on therapy. However, it is tough to constantly hear that UD16 doesn't want anything to do with me and won't sit in the same room. If I walk into the kitchen UD16 hides or turns her face and runs away quickly or she will faint or other strange things. 

So glad you are all in therapy. Is it family therapy, individual therapy, something else? What are some of the positive changes you've seen?

...

You're in a uniquely challenging situation as it sounds like you are married to your H (who is the father of your D16) and all three of you live together, yet there are dysfunctional dynamics within the family that to me sound more like a separated/divorced family structure.

The resources and tools here (along with therapy) can help improve family life. When you have a moment, take a look at our section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder. Let us know what's the most helpful there for you.

Keep taking care of yourself and living your life, too -- so important to work on our own health when we also want to take care of others.

kells76

[Maggie EF]

Yes, when I saw this group I got so excited. I was feeling really low.

Yes my UD16 is undiagnosed (still getting accustomed to the initials. I think UD is undiagnosed or undiagnosed daughter UD?). What leads me to BPD is her therapist but we haven't gotten an actual Physchologist to confirm it yet. We are still new at all of this. This happened in January. I got the eggshells book and whalla, welcome to the world of BPD. What I read in the book are my exact experiences with UD16.

H and UD16 have teamed up since birth. I have an older daughter and H believes I didn't raise her to be a person with enough compassion and empathy for others, so in his mind he was protecting UD16 from a bad parent.

We have a parent group on Tuesdays, weekly couples therapy, a weekly family therapy and I'm starting individual therapy next week. In the Tuesday group we build DBT skills and learn Reflective Parenting strategies. We have only had one family therapy so far, first the therapist (who is also our Tuesday teacher) met with UD16. Then she met with H and I to get some background. Since UD16 is very violently opposed to me, our therapist decided that the family therapy will need to be with just UD16 and H for now. She said that she is working to get me in the building.

Some of the positives from therapy so far are:
1. UD16 is out of the house a lot for group and face-to-face
2. UD16 is interacting with other children her age
3. UD16 often sits in her room with the door open
4. Sometimes I hear UD16 laugh
5. UD16 smiled at my Mom (she iced my Mom out years ago)
6. H told UD16 that she needs to work on things with Mom, UD16 said "ok"
7. H is more aware of enabling and over-accommodating UD16 and is working on changing and is more open in general

I will look at the resources in the link, thanks Kells 76.