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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I realize this a message board for BPD, but I am in a desperate situation involving BPD and would appreciate any helpful suggestions.

Due to injuries from a car accident, my daughter has several health problems: TBI, PTSD, panic attacks and chronic pain.  She is working diligently to recover, but it has been difficult.   She is a kind, loving, nurturing person.  Successful, confident, always sees the best in others.  Even with her injuries, she has positive outlook on life.   

She has been married to her husband for 11 years.  They have one child.   At their request,  I have been living in their home for about 4 months to assist in childcare and housework.   

They have both worked hard to maintain their family and provide a nice life.  At times her husband would get overwhelmed and frustrated, but for the most part he was supportive and compassionate of my daughters medical issues.  He and I got along well in a difficult situation.

About 6 weeks ago her husband's attitude began to change.    He became unemotional and distant.  His responses seem robot like and rehearsed.  He repeats “I'm sorry you feel that way”  to any discussion.

Now he is aggressively confrontational and initiates arguments over nothing.  He is overly critical, condescending and disrespectful towards my daughter.  He belittles her in front of me and my grandson.      He is angry that her limitations have ruined his life.    My daughter feels so betrayed by her husbands sudden adverse behavior.   

He wants a divorce as soon as possible.  He also wants full custody of their child.

Because of  his emotional abuse, my daughter agrees to a divorce.  Although she is financially and health insurance dependent on her husband.   If they separate, my daughter insists on 50/50 custody of their son.   Her husband refuses this option.

I believe her husband is trying to create and fabricate evidence to use in court against my daughter.  He often verbally provokes her and uses her illness against her.   He “gaslights” her on a daily basis.  He has recorded her panic attacks without her knowledge.   In these recordings she is sobbing, crying and yelling either in pain or when being emotionally traumatized by him.  He threatens that these recordings are proof that he should be given full custody of their son.

When she feels threatened or fears disaster, it triggers her panic attacks.  Her PTSD causes a “fight or flight” response.  Possibly similar to rage in a person with BPD,  but the cause is very different.

Last week her husband “accidentally” left 2 books he had been reading on the kitchen table.  'Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook'   and   'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder'.    My daughter felt under attack by his passive aggressive suggestion.

He supposedly believes my daughter meets 7 of the 9 criteria for BPD.   He is trying to label her with a mental illness she doesn't have.  Because of her poor physical health, she has less ability to defend herself from these false accusations.

They have both been going to therapy  for several years.   BPD has never been suggested by her doctors or therapist.  She does not have any symptoms of BPD.

I was not familiar with BPD.  After researching this disorder, I am terrified he is trying to destroy her.  If she were actually having these issues, I would encourage her to get help.   I try to be objective, but his accusations are completely unfounded, almost ridiculous.

 The stress has already  increased her limitations and worsened her illness.  My daughter and I are totally isolated here. We have no one but each other.   I am  2000 miles from my home. I don't know anyone here.    Her husband has a large extended family living nearby, very connected to prominent people in this area.

If he can accomplish this crazy scheme, my daughter will be devastated.   I'm so afraid she will not survive.   What can we possibly do to counteract his attack?

[Lainey]

I realize this a message board for BPD, but I am in a desperate situation involving BPD and would appreciate any helpful suggestions.

Due to injuries from a car accident, my daughter has several health problems: TBI, PTSD, panic attacks and chronic pain.  She is working diligently to recover, but it has been difficult.   She is a kind, loving, nurturing person.  Successful, confident, always sees the best in others.  Even with her injuries, she has positive outlook on life.   

She has been married to her husband for 11 years.  They have one child.   At their request,  I have been living in their home for about 4 months to assist in childcare and housework.   

They have both worked hard to maintain their family and provide a nice life.  At times her husband would get overwhelmed and frustrated, but for the most part he was supportive and compassionate of my daughters medical issues.  He and I got along well in a difficult situation.

About 6 weeks ago her husband's attitude began to change.    He became unemotional and distant.  His responses seem robot like and rehearsed.  He repeats “I'm sorry you feel that way”  to any discussion.

Now he is aggressively confrontational and initiates arguments over nothing.  He is overly critical, condescending and disrespectful towards my daughter.  He belittles her in front of me and my grandson.      He is angry that her limitations have ruined his life.    My daughter feels so betrayed by her husbands sudden adverse behavior.   

He wants a divorce as soon as possible.  He also wants full custody of their child.

Because of  his emotional abuse, my daughter agrees to a divorce.  Although she is financially and health insurance dependent on her husband.   If they separate, my daughter insists on 50/50 custody of their son.   Her husband refuses this option.

I believe her husband is trying to create and fabricate evidence to use in court against my daughter.  He often verbally provokes her and uses her illness against her.   He “gaslights” her on a daily basis.  He has recorded her panic attacks without her knowledge.   In these recordings she is sobbing, crying and yelling either in pain or when being emotionally traumatized by him.  He threatens that these recordings are proof that he should be given full custody of their son.

When she feels threatened or fears disaster, it triggers her panic attacks.  Her PTSD causes a “fight or flight” response.  Possibly similar to rage in a person with BPD,  but the cause is very different.

Last week her husband “accidentally” left 2 books he had been reading on the kitchen table.  'Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook'   and   'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder'.    My daughter felt under attack by his passive aggressive suggestion.

He supposedly believes my daughter meets 7 of the 9 criteria for BPD.   He is trying to label her with a mental illness she doesn't have.  Because of her poor physical health, she has less ability to defend herself from these false accusations.

They have both been going to therapy  for several years.   BPD has never been suggested by her doctors or therapist.  She does not have any symptoms of BPD.

I was not familiar with BPD.  After researching this disorder, I am terrified he is trying to destroy her.  If she were actually having these issues, I would encourage her to get help.   I try to be objective, but his accusations are completely unfounded, almost ridiculous.

 The stress has already  increased her limitations and worsened her illness.  My daughter and I are totally isolated here. We have no one but each other.   I am  2000 miles from my home. I don't know anyone here.    Her husband has a large extended family living nearby, very connected to prominent people in this area.

If he can accomplish this crazy scheme, my daughter will be devastated.   I'm so afraid she will not survive.   What can we possibly do to counteract his attack?

[Lainey]

I realize this a message board for BPD, but I am in a desperate situation involving BPD and would appreciate any helpful suggestions.

Due to injuries from a car accident, my daughter has several health problems: TBI, PTSD, panic attacks and chronic pain.  She is working diligently to recover, but it has been difficult.   She is a kind, loving, nurturing person.  Successful, confident, always sees the best in others.  Even with her injuries, she has positive outlook on life.   

She has been married to her husband for 11 years.  They have one child.   At their request,  I have been living in their home for about 4 months to assist in childcare and housework.   

They have both worked hard to maintain their family and provide a nice life.  At times her husband would get overwhelmed and frustrated, but for the most part he was supportive and compassionate of my daughters medical issues.  He and I got along well in a difficult situation.

About 6 weeks ago her husband's attitude began to change.    He became unemotional and distant.  His responses seem robot like and rehearsed.  He repeats “I'm sorry you feel that way”  to any discussion.

Now he is aggressively confrontational and initiates arguments over nothing.  He is overly critical, condescending and disrespectful towards my daughter.  He belittles her in front of me and my grandson.      He is angry that her limitations have ruined his life.    My daughter feels so betrayed by her husbands sudden adverse behavior.   

He wants a divorce as soon as possible.  He also wants full custody of their child.

Because of  his emotional abuse, my daughter agrees to a divorce.  Although she is financially and health insurance dependent on her husband.   If they separate, my daughter insists on 50/50 custody of their son.   Her husband refuses this option.

I believe her husband is trying to create and fabricate evidence to use in court against my daughter.  He often verbally provokes her and uses her illness against her.   He “gaslights” her on a daily basis.  He has recorded her panic attacks without her knowledge.   In these recordings she is sobbing, crying and yelling either in pain or when being emotionally traumatized by him.  He threatens that these recordings are proof that he should be given full custody of their son.

When she feels threatened or fears disaster, it triggers her panic attacks.  Her PTSD causes a “fight or flight” response.  Possibly similar to rage in a person with BPD,  but the cause is very different.

Last week her husband “accidentally” left 2 books he had been reading on the kitchen table.  'Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook'   and   'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder'.    My daughter felt under attack by his passive aggressive suggestion.

He supposedly believes my daughter meets 7 of the 9 criteria for BPD.   He is trying to label her with a mental illness she doesn't have.  Because of her poor physical health, she has less ability to defend herself from these false accusations.

They have both been going to therapy  for several years.   BPD has never been suggested by her doctors or therapist.  She does not have any symptoms of BPD.

I was not familiar with BPD.  After researching this disorder, I am terrified he is trying to destroy her.  If she were actually having these issues, I would encourage her to get help.   I try to be objective, but his accusations are completely unfounded, almost ridiculous.

 The stress has already  increased her limitations and worsened her illness.  My daughter and I are totally isolated here. We have no one but each other.   I am  2000 miles from my home. I don't know anyone here.    Her husband has a large extended family living nearby, very connected to prominent people in this area.

If he can accomplish this crazy scheme, my daughter will be devastated.   I'm so afraid she will not survive.   What can we possibly do to counteract his attack?

[EyesUp]

Hello - So sorry you're dealing with this.

It's not clear if anyone has BPD in this situation, but it is clear that you're dealing with aggressive/hostile behavior that may be described as abusive.

Here are some practical things to consider:
- does your daughter live in a 2-party recording state (both parties must explicitly approve of recording)?  if yes, his recordings may not be legally admissable
- even if you live in a 1-party recording state (one party may unilaterally record without disclosure or permission), family court generally does not have the time or inclination to listen to hours or even many minutes of recording. if deemed relevant, a judge may ask some 3rd party to verify the recordings and weigh in with recommendations based on findings.  this is time consuming and expensive for your SIL
- either way, I strongly encourage you to start recording as well, no matter what the law is in your state.  do this discretely, and keep the files secure.  if he rages or provokes or does anything, really, you'll potentially have something.  In my experience, the highest value of recording was proving to myself what I did or did not say when I was gaslit - in order to gain clarity and confidence about the situation
- start interviewing attorneys.  if your SIL is well connected, do this super discretely.  don't ask for consultation (you may be charged), instead say that you're interviewing to find appropriate representation - this way, you'll typically get the first call at no charge, usually 30 minutes.  interview as many attys as possible.  if your SIL already has a relationship with a particular law firm, look for a different firm/atty who is familiar with your SIL's atty's tactics
- also look for an atty who practices in your county and who has experience with the court where your daughter's case is likely to be heard - if it gets that far.  ie., you want to identify an atty who already knows the behavior of the opposing counsel and, ideally, the judge 
- look for a litigator, not a negotiator.  ask the attys if they have experience with high conflict personalities.  they will all say yes.  ask for examples of how they handle this type of case
- a majority of cases settle.  there would have to be extraordinary abuse or other egregious behavior for a dad to get full custody of a young child.  plenty of people with disabilities, hardships, addictions, and other difficult circumstances are deemed fit to be parents by family courts - every day
- start keeping a journal of everything you and your daughter in the home and for your grandchild.  cooking, schoolwork, extra curriculars, etc.  be known as engaged, involved, and supportive to all of her providers.  again, do this discretely - I recommend a password protected file or a secure app like Evernote on a smartphone
- if your SIL has a temper or gives an indication that he may get violent, do not hesitate to call 911
- do not engage your SIL in front of your grandkid.  to whatever extent possible, you and your daughter must act in the best interest of the child - do what you can to insulate her from what's happening between your daughter and SIL.

If there is BPD in play, it tends to create chaos when people behave in unexpected ways...  oddly, it can get to a point where you learn to expect the unexpected. 

Do you feel that your SIL has some unresolved trauma or other issue that may be exacerbated by your daughter's situation, or possibly by your presence in the home?  I wonder if the stress of these changes has triggered something with him... ?   Exploring this a bit might help lead to some ideas re: how to communicate or adjust while all of this plays out.

Take care, and please let us know how we can best support you.

[ForeverDad]

Have you pondered the possibility that when he claims she has BPD (or some other PD) that he is projecting his issues onto her?

Projection is not uncommon when there is discord in a relationship.  With BPD, projection (Blame Shifting) becomes even more evident in a close relationship.  As in, "It's not me, it's you" or "You behave worse than I behave".

About 6 weeks ago her husband's attitude began to change.    He became unemotional and distant.  His responses seem robot like and rehearsed.  He repeats “I'm sorry you feel that way”  to any discussion.

He wants a divorce as soon as possible.  He also wants full custody of their child.

Because of  his emotional abuse, my daughter agrees to a divorce.  Although she is financially and health insurance dependent on her husband.   If they separate, my daughter insists on 50/50 custody of their son.   Her husband refuses this option.

Last week her husband “accidentally” left 2 books he had been reading on the kitchen table.  'Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook'   and   'The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder'.    My daughter felt under attack by his passive aggressive suggestion.

They have both been going to therapy for several years.   BPD has never been suggested by her doctors or therapist.

One would be inclined to wonder what changed 6 weeks ago.  Was this after a therapy session?

They are in therapy.  Is this with separate therapists?  Are the therapists granted permission to consult together?  (I'm not advocating this, it may be that she needs to maintain her own personal therapist.  If later there is an in-depth Custody Evaluation then both therapists can discuss their patients in general terms with the Custody Evaluator.)

If he is complaining about his wife in sessions then it's possible - if having never had sessions with her - that the therapist simply mentioned the possibility of BPD.  But no diagnosis can be made without assessing the person.

I believe her husband is trying to create and fabricate evidence to use in court against my daughter.  He often verbally provokes her and uses her illness against her.   He “gaslights” her on a daily basis.  He has recorded her panic attacks without her knowledge.   In these recordings she is sobbing, crying and yelling either in pain or when being emotionally traumatized by him.  He threatens that these recordings are proof that he should be given full custody of their son.

When she feels threatened or fears disaster, it triggers her panic attacks.  Her PTSD causes a “fight or flight” response.  Possibly similar to rage in a person with BPD,  but the cause is very different.

From a practical standpoint, it would be unlikely a family court would grant her husband custody simply if she doesn't agree.  Typically there would have to be substantial abuse or neglect of the children for it to have basis or to be considered "actionable".

It appears that SIL is improperly manipulating how he records.  For example, one of the books I've read - don't recall which one - gave a scenario where one spouse calls the other, curses and hangs up but then starts recording when the other spouse calls back all upset.  It may *seem* unprovoked and out of the blue but it was actually staged to get a response.  What led up to it wasn't recorded.

One site stated it this way, "Do not be caught on tape saying things you would not say with the judge present."  Of course that may be difficult because of his manipulation and her current issues with PTSD.

On the other hand, your D stating that 50-50 is more fair or realistic sounds reasonable but that may be too reasonable when the spouse isn't listening to reason.  In such a case she may end up going back to court every time he opposes reasonable parenting decisions.

Be aware that adult conflict in itself does not necessarily impact a parent's ability to parent well.  After all, your D has added you to her resources for parenting assistance. To repeat what I noted above... Typically there would have to be substantive abuse or neglect of the children for claims to have basis or to be considered "actionable".