Struggling to Deal with Son's (Husband of BPD) Withdrawal from Family

[Schmoopie]

My first post was a few months ago when my BPD DIL first became confrontational with me.  I knew she was diagnosed with BPD and had seen her conflicts with other members of the family, but it had never been with me.

Since October I have been receiving many insulting, mean-spirited, accusatory text messages from her.  I've tried to hold my tongue and have been, for the most part, successful.  I've learned a lot from this group and from the articles I've read on this website, which have been so helpful to me in ascertaining how to proceed with her, what to do and what not to do.

Unfortunately, my son has now pulled away from the family.  He rarely responds to me when I reach out to him, even though I've tried to take a step back and not put pressure on him by continuing to text or call him.  I'm afraid of pushing him away even further.  I've continued to get text messages from his BPD wife, although they have been less frequent and, I'll admit, less vicious, but she still expresses a very skewed view of how I treat her and her children, my son's step children.

I've always had a close relationship with my son, and it's getting the best of me, and I'm starting to feel a lot more sadness because I didn't think this would last and thought we'd be moving forward by now.  Guess I haven't learned as much as I thought from all of you.   I'm saying that in jest.

My go-to response is to step back, be patient, and let things work itself out.  Some family members feel that I need to start pressing more for him to talk or try to see me, that we should do sort of an intervention, that his wife is like a drug to him and he's addicted and doesn't know how to stop or get away from it, that we need to keep trying until we "save" him.

That's not my way, but it kind of makes sense to me, but I'm really torn.  Can any of you offer advice?  Does this sound like a viable way to proceed?  What have been your experiences?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Schmoopie
I remember your earlier post - your efforts to make sure the step grandchildren were treated the same etc. I am so sorry that your son is entangled in this - it is such a difficult situation.

My opinion is that your instincts in relation to how to deal with the situation is preferred. It is understandable that people want to 'do' something to change things. They can see what is happening and believe that if they could convince ds of what was happening he would see sense - and perhaps split up with dil? Or at least he would fight to maintain his relationship with you and the other members of the family.

It is logical and understandable - but it assumes that everyone is on the same logical page - and this is never the case with BPD.

To take this path puts ds right in the middle of a complex emotional struggle - and in many different ways, BPD dil would be forcing ds to choose. He possibly has an attachment to the children now too which is an enormous complication.

You mention DIL is still communicating - is she still accusing you of favourites etc?

The BPD response is to a perceived 'threat' - ie that ds loves you more than he loves her (she might be expressing this in terms of the children but it will be in relation to herself in reality).

Trying to diminish the intense emotional content in my experience is the only way forward. It may not work, but it has a better chance than engaging in discussion etc on a logical basis.

As I mention this is just my opinion from my own experience. Trust yourself. You know your son and you know the situation. In my experience others who are not in the same position as you, will have a different perspective.

Back yourself!

[Ourworld]

I agree with Sancho to just try and lay low as far as texting or calling, but I do think you could email him love and encouragement. You don’t want him to ever think you don’t understand what he’s going through, but don’t go into any detail just keep things short and simple.
He may not reply to your emails, but that’s ok because you’re just letting him know how much you love and support him. You can write what all you would say, but erase it and just tell him you love and support him.
 It will give you some relief that you have ensured that he knows that you are there for him. Another possibility is sending caring cards occasionally to both of them, just with a loving signature.
I am suggesting these things because it did help me overcome my own BPD daughter’s first limiting my communication with her then blocking me all together. Hopefully, since your son is not BPD this will mean a lot to him.
So, tell the family that you are doing the best you can!

Take care, wishing you the best, Susie