Hello, I have questions!

[Bright Hope]

 We suspect that our adult child has at minimum BPD characteristics.  Our child is married and the relationship is in great distress.  Our child's spouse wants to revitalize their marriage.  Our child is very ambivalent and much of the time want to move on.  After a protracted separation, our child has a new love interest, yet has been unable to end marriage to her spouse.  We have a good relationship with our child's spouse.  Do we share our BPD suspicions with our child's spouse?  Any experience in this area would be most appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Bright Hope
It can be tempting to open up about your suspicions to your child's spouse, but it could be problematic. Once something is disclosed like that you don't have any control over if or when the information will be used. The other factor is that someone with BPD can be very changeable.

It seems there has been a long separation but my dd has returned to a partner after long separation. We just can't predict the future. If your child's spouse moves on, then I think that would be different and mentioning your suspicions could be really helpful.

At this point in time and especially as there is no formal diagnosis, I think I would be just listening to the spouse and perhaps affirming anything that they say that you agree with. That way it doesn't come from you!

[Ourworld]

Hi,

I do not think that you should tell your SIL of any suspected mental health problems. But telling your SIL that she has some type of problem, such as anxiety, depression or PTSD from any events you can think of, will help him to better understand what may be going on in her head.

Wishing you the best, Ourworld

[EyesUp]

It's often said that it's not productive to share a diagnosis, no matter how kindly or well intentioned, with the person you suspect may have b-cluster attributes.

One of the main attributes is super sensitivity to criticism.

Attributing a PD is not perceived as considerate attention, well-meaning, or compassion - it's a flaw, a defect, a problem - criticism.

So, if this information is relayed back to the person with the suspected PD in any form - again, no matter how carefully, kindly, etc. - it's not likely to be well received, and anyone who has endorsed, relayed, or provided this perceived criticism will become an antagonist.

What to do?

Instead of tacking this head on, read up on BPD and the rest of the b-cluster, explore and learn skills that might be relevant to living with your pwBPD (person with BPD).

Summary: Probably not a good idea to share a theory.

Finally, in my personal experience with BPD, my uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex wife) remains extremely volatile and accusational, however my former inlaws remain warm.  We don't have the relationship we once did, but they understand that their daughter is volatile.  They've told me that I'm always welcome in their home, and it's been a great comfort to know that.