My uBPDx took health decision about our son without consulting me (and hid it)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I last posted on this forum. I’ve had a lot of support and advice from you guys since my breakup and I have tried my best to deal with the craziness of modern life with 3 kids in shared custody with a BPD ex.

Things have been pretty good, especially for my kids. They do have particularities that require my attention, but I think that they are doing better than ever. I’ve had a partner for a little more than two years now. She doesn’t live with us and her job requires her to be on the road quite often, but she and the kids get along really well. She can talk with my oldest daughter about things teenagers don’t want to talk about with their parents, she always find time to spend with my son in the middle and has a whole lot of patience and love for my (kinda bossy) youngest daughter.

Last time I posted on this board, I was awaiting the hearing with the judge, with several issues at stake which were all ruled in my favor. It was particularly validating for me because, even though I was sure deep down that my requests were fair, my ex obviously didn’t share my opinion and really tried to make feel like the bad guy (I should point out that all I wanted was an alternating weeks schedule and no child support since it’s a 50/50 custody).

My relationship with my ex didn’t improve, however. For example, when we put our house to sell, I gave her quite a bit of money as an advance so she could accommodate for the kids at her place and go with them on at trip to visit some friends who had just moved abroad. I realize now that it was naive of me, but I was really down at that time and really wanted things to go well. And I probably also wanted to believe that she could be trusted. She, of course, never paid me back, even though her lawyer told her that it would be the right thing to do, and she even said that since the judge didn’t accept her request for child support, it was only fair that she kept that money. I have not yet found the time to take legal actions about this, but I probably will.

There is also the issue of school attendance which I already discussed on this board: from time to time, she just decides out of the blue that the kids need some rest and keep them at home. I don’t know why the schools don’t react to this situation, I guess the fact that my ex is a physician gives credit to her decisions. I should point out that, to my daughter’s own admission, they are generally not sick when this happens (no fever, no vomiting or anything). At first my ex would text me about it, I would say that I thought it wasn’t a good thing for them and she would say things like "how dare you criticize my education", "you’re not listening to your children’s needs", etc. So now she just does it without informing me. The sad thing is that my kids, especially my oldest, has lied to me about her absences in the past, because she knows I don’t agree.

So my ex doesn’t tell me when my kids skip school, but she insists that, according to our agreements, I have to give her updates every 12 hours when one of our kid is sick, tell her whenever I leave town with them, and tell her when another adult takes care of them (meaning my partner). We of course never agreed to any of that, and she doesn’t even do that herself when the kids are at her place...

I usually just try to ignore this BS and focus on providing my kids with a healthy and stable environment, but this week I learned something that really upset me. Well, you read the subject of this topic so you already know what it is... My son (10) has been on a desensitizing treatment for his allergy to dust mites for 4 years. He started when my ex and I were still together at my ex’s request. It requires him to take a small amount of a desensitizing solution in his mouth, under his tongue for 2 min every day for several years. About a year and a half ago, she told me that she had stopped the treatment at her place because he didn’t like the taste of it. I said that this kind of decision should be taken unanimously and that I thought that it would be in his best interest to continue. I went to the allergist with my son shortly after that for a checkup and the Dr told us that it was indeed a good idea to continue and that the treatment would only work if he took it is taken regularly, not every other week. My ex agreed to continue. But maybe 6 months later, when I ordered a new batch of the solution, my ex didn’t ask for any vials. Same again 3 months later. So I asked my son if he took his treatment at his mom’s, and he said that he did and that his mom still had vials over there. And this week, after asking him again, he confessed that, in agreement with his mother, he stopped taking his treatment when he was at his mom’s several months ago.

I have to add that every time I ordered new vials, I cc’d her so that she knew she could ask me for fresh ones. So not only did she make a decision about our son’s health without my approval, without even consulting or informing me, but she also intentionally hid it from me and let me order new vials even if they were useless.

I emailed her to explain what I learned from my son, remind her that this behavior was unacceptable and illegal, that the fact that our kids were lying to cover up her decisions wasn’t healthy and that we couldn’t work as a team for the benefit of our kids if she hides things from me. To be honest, I don’t really know what I was expecting for this email, maybe deep inside I hope that she can still react somewhat rationally. But no. She tried to call me 10 times in a row at work, left me dozens of texts and two emails, going from "our son isn’t in danger, we’re a team, relax" to "you’re not allowed criticize me" and even "if your kids lie to you, that’s your problem". All I wrote back during the discussion were two texts re-centering the discussion around the fact that she can’t take (and hide) such decisions without my consent, cause she was deflecting like crazy. The end of the discussion is, in a way, hilarious. She went something like : "I don’t have to communicate with you if I feel that I am psychologically or physically in danger, which is the case right now. And thank you for the written proof that you just gave me." (meaning written proof of my being endangering her). I didn’t know what to respond and didn’t want to continue the discussion, so I just said thank you back. And she responded "See? another threat. See? your violence". I mean, what do you respond to that?

So that’s what I wanted to get off my chest. I intend to contact the allergist and my lawyer to discuss all of this. But writing things down and having your thoughts, support, advice and similar stories has always been helpful. So, yeah, don’t hesitate!

Thanks
BKD

[BKDamon]

Hi everyone,

It’s been a while since I last posted on this forum. I’ve had a lot of support and advice from you guys since my breakup and I have tried my best to deal with the craziness of modern life with 3 kids in shared custody with a BPD ex.

Things have been pretty good, especially for my kids. They do have particularities that require my attention, but I think that they are doing better than ever. I’ve had a partner for a little more than two years now. She doesn’t live with us and her job requires her to be on the road quite often, but she and the kids get along really well. She can talk with my oldest daughter about things teenagers don’t want to talk about with their parents, she always find time to spend with my son in the middle and has a whole lot of patience and love for my (kinda bossy) youngest daughter.

Last time I posted on this board, I was awaiting the hearing with the judge, with several issues at stake which were all ruled in my favor. It was particularly validating for me because, even though I was sure deep down that my requests were fair, my ex obviously didn’t share my opinion and really tried to make feel like the bad guy (I should point out that all I wanted was an alternating weeks schedule and no child support since it’s a 50/50 custody).

My relationship with my ex didn’t improve, however. For example, when we put our house to sell, I gave her quite a bit of money as an advance so she could accommodate for the kids at her place and go with them on at trip to visit some friends who had just moved abroad. I realize now that it was naive of me, but I was really down at that time and really wanted things to go well. And I probably also wanted to believe that she could be trusted. She, of course, never paid me back, even though her lawyer told her that it would be the right thing to do, and she even said that since the judge didn’t accept her request for child support, it was only fair that she kept that money. I have not yet found the time to take legal actions about this, but I probably will.

There is also the issue of school attendance which I already discussed on this board: from time to time, she just decides out of the blue that the kids need some rest and keep them at home. I don’t know why the schools don’t react to this situation, I guess the fact that my ex is a physician gives credit to her decisions. I should point out that, to my daughter’s own admission, they are generally not sick when this happens (no fever, no vomiting or anything). At first my ex would text me about it, I would say that I thought it wasn’t a good thing for them and she would say things like "how dare you criticize my education", "you’re not listening to your children’s needs", etc. So now she just does it without informing me. The sad thing is that my kids, especially my oldest, has lied to me about her absences in the past, because she knows I don’t agree.

So my ex doesn’t tell me when my kids skip school, but she insists that, according to our agreements, I have to give her updates every 12 hours when one of our kid is sick, tell her whenever I leave town with them, and tell her when another adult takes care of them (meaning my partner). We of course never agreed to any of that, and she doesn’t even do that herself when the kids are at her place...

I usually just try to ignore this BS and focus on providing my kids with a healthy and stable environment, but this week I learned something that really upset me. Well, you read the subject of this topic so you already know what it is... My son (10) has been on a desensitizing treatment for his allergy to dust mites for 4 years. He started when my ex and I were still together at my ex’s request. It requires him to take a small amount of a desensitizing solution in his mouth, under his tongue for 2 min every day for several years. About a year and a half ago, she told me that she had stopped the treatment at her place because he didn’t like the taste of it. I said that this kind of decision should be taken unanimously and that I thought that it would be in his best interest to continue. I went to the allergist with my son shortly after that for a checkup and the Dr told us that it was indeed a good idea to continue and that the treatment would only work if he took it is taken regularly, not every other week. My ex agreed to continue. But maybe 6 months later, when I ordered a new batch of the solution, my ex didn’t ask for any vials. Same again 3 months later. So I asked my son if he took his treatment at his mom’s, and he said that he did and that his mom still had vials over there. And this week, after asking him again, he confessed that, in agreement with his mother, he stopped taking his treatment when he was at his mom’s several months ago.

I have to add that every time I ordered new vials, I cc’d her so that she knew she could ask me for fresh ones. So not only did she make a decision about our son’s health without my approval, without even consulting or informing me, but she also intentionally hid it from me and let me order new vials even if they were useless.

I emailed her to explain what I learned from my son, remind her that this behavior was unacceptable and illegal, that the fact that our kids were lying to cover up her decisions wasn’t healthy and that we couldn’t work as a team for the benefit of our kids if she hides things from me. To be honest, I don’t really know what I was expecting for this email, maybe deep inside I hope that she can still react somewhat rationally. But no. She tried to call me 10 times in a row at work, left me dozens of texts and two emails, going from "our son isn’t in danger, we’re a team, relax" to "you’re not allowed criticize me" and even "if your kids lie to you, that’s your problem". All I wrote back during the discussion were two texts re-centering the discussion around the fact that she can’t take (and hide) such decisions without my consent, cause she was deflecting like crazy. The end of the discussion is, in a way, hilarious. She went something like : "I don’t have to communicate with you if I feel that I am psychologically or physically in danger, which is the case right now. And thank you for the written proof that you just gave me." (meaning written proof of my being endangering her). I didn’t know what to respond and didn’t want to continue the discussion, so I just said thank you back. And she responded "See? another threat. See? your violence". I mean, what do you respond to that?

So that’s what I wanted to get off my chest. I intend to contact the allergist and my lawyer to discuss all of this. But writing things down and having your thoughts, support, advice and similar stories has always been helpful. So, yeah, don’t hesitate!

Thanks
BKD