Grandchild concerns

[SwanOrnament]

My adult daughter exhibits everything that everyone on here talks about, she is a destructive force to try and even attempt to recon with. Recently her behaviour has become  more concerning. I am the devil incarnate of course. Today her temper escalated to what I would describe as a crisis. She was abusive  firing off  threatening emails, I had to hang up on her earlier as she was out of control:; it really was too much to bare I supported her for the past 18 years I’m at the end of my emotional capacity and she will end up sending me to an early grave. When she could no linger get hold of me  she then started on her sibling,of course down crying me, upsetting him, then threatening to hurt herself. He eventually calmed her down and all has been quiet so far.
However all this abuse and emotional crisis had been played out in front of my 3 year old grandchild ! Witnessing, listening to her vitriol, hate and threats of self harm. . She appears to be getting worse. She separated from her husband 6 months ago there is no  one to ‘protect’ the nchild from her now more frequent ‘episodes’ What to do ? My main concern is my grandchilds wellbeing Do I risk loosing her all togeather and put in a call to local authority SS dept ?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Do I risk loosing her all togeather and put in a call to local authority SS dept ?

As a an adult child of a mother with BPD, I would say to call them. Your daughter is an adult and she can make her own choices. The child can not. He's only 3. He can't protect himself and is completely dependent on adults to take care of him.

[SwanOrnament]

Agreed
I will.
She started up again with the threats and insults today even bringing her ex back into the fold. He’s not the sharpest pencil in the box.
It’s very concerning I know she’s in crisis and needs help by we are now  her demons from the depths of Hell she has a psychiatric problem but when your close you forget how serious it can get - you’re too close to see. Hence needing to reach out even if the answer is obvious .

[Notwendy]

It's understandable- you see the best in her, she's your daughter, and you are wired to protect her.

Not everyone has these instincts. My own BPD mother is so overwhelmed with her own difficult feelings- she's in emotional survival mode, not inclined to protect someone else.

Sometimes nothing happens after a report to social services but there will be a record there if there are additional reports. The "worst" thing that might happen is they remove the child from the home and she would have to have treatment and parenting classes to get the child back- if she can do that. If not, the child will be safe and she would have access to the help she needs if she's willing and able to do that.

Yes, she may be angry at you but the stakes are higher for the grandchild who depends on the adults for protection.

[Ourworld]

Oh, I feel for you, but she needs help and the child needs protection.

If I were you, I would contact the police to go help her and they will get protection for the child.

I truly wish you total Peace for everyone involved.

[CC43]

Hi Swan,

If you are in the US you could call the Child Risk Hotline.  Different states have departments with different names (Child Protective Services, Department of Children and Families, etc.).  I'm not sure how a formal report is filed, but getting the department involved typically would trigger follow-up such as home visit(s), to determine if the child is at risk.  In my state (in my experience), verbal abuse is considered just as toxic as physical neglect.

A three-year-old wouldn't necessarily have regular access to "mandated reporters" like a teacher, physician or other adults who would be obligated to report suspected abuse or neglect.  And three-year-olds can't describe what's going on.

There's no way to know what the outcome would be.  Maybe the best outcome would be regular wellness checks, parenting classes and a regime of therapy and prescribed medications (if any) to retain custody.  If the home situation is truly harmful, then maybe the child is placed temporarily with a family member until your daughter stabilizes.

In my experience with a pwBPD (and another pwNPD), they can often seem to "pull it together" when under scrutiny from doctors, counselors or CPS.  They can make it seem like everything is OK.  And then they quickly revert to the dysfunctional behaviors.  So this might be an ongoing source of concern.

[BonnieWight]

I'm so sorry.  My situation is similar although my grandchild's father is involved (he's also not the brightest but very kind and caring).  My therapist (who has experience in child welfare situations) advised that I contact DCS to report the situation, to let them know myself and father are available if needed.  After my child was hospitalized we finally saw the awful living conditions and contacted DCS to report on that too.
My spouse and I are working with grandchild's father and paying for legal fees to get visitation and decision making formalized, as my child was threatening to keep the grandchild from us also.
My biggest concern in this whole thing was the wellbeing of my grandchild, and I have a little peace know that they're somewhat protected now. 

[SwanOrnament]

Thank you everyone who’s replied I’m not sure how to respond individually hence the collective response. But I so appreciate the interaction and advice it’s very comforting to know there are ‘others’ out there ! .
The litany of abusive  emails eventually stopped as I did not respond she  realised she wasn’t getting my attention.  They stopped 5 days ago but now  I feel incredibly anxious and miss my grandchild terribly.
I know his father is, despite his shortcomings,  a responsible adult and sees his toddler most days plus they go to nursery four times a week so there are ‘profession’ adults in their life.
I am feeling what could be described as separation anxiety it’s only when it stops do your realise just how intense and unhealthy and manipulative  it was. But I miss the child terribly.