Driving with UnDBPD Husband

[townhouse]

This is an example of UND BPD Husband being himself.
There is a small mechanical problem with my own car and it is at the car repair place.  I’ve arranged a hire car for the time till it’s fixed.
The hire car is almost new and has all the sounds and lights that come with brand new cars.

Husband was driving on a busy road and decided to change lanes quite abruptly. The car made a loud Clang clang noise and lights flashed on the side mirror. Not having experienced this before, I got a fright and I let out a small Ooh. Husband also got a fright and started shouting at me.

“What do you think I can’t drive”
“I looked before changing lanes”
“ You’re a backseat driver”
“It was safe”

I then said that the noise gave me a fright
He said

“What noise”
“You’re hearing things”
“It’s your fault for getting a new car”
“You should have gotten an older car”
“You’re so unaware that you can’t even get the right car”
“This is a stupid car”
And on and on with the insults getting worse and him getting more angry. I just stopped saying anything. Not to JADE was foremost in my mind so anything I could have said was going to be Explaining or Justifying, so I couldn’t say anything.
Later, a similar thing occurred, and he heard the noise.  Saying loudly “What the h…’s going on with this car” ? I couldn’t resist saying “That’s the same noise as before”
He gradually calmed down and seemed to forget about it.

Do they forget what they have just said?
I don’t think so. I think they store it away in their ‘reasons to dislike this person list’ that is always ready to be considered when a something comes up to blame the other person for a perceived slight.

[Gerda]

I have also noticed that my husband gets really upset over relatively minor things. I wonder if this is a common thing for people with BPD. I know saying, "you're too sensitive" is a no-no in relationships, but it really seems like they can be too sensitive. I guess it's not OK to actually say that to them, but I definitely think it a lot.

And then here we are having to constantly avoid JADE-ing and "grey rocking" all the time, working really hard to NOT get upset even when our spouses are acting really terrible. We're not allowed to lose our tempers at all.

And yeah, I've noticed as soon as he calms down, it's like it never happened, and if I bring it up again, I'm "carrying a grudge" and that makes me the bad guy.

I really don't know if they actually remember what they said when they were in a rage or not. After reading a lot of stuff about BPD and even talking it out with my therapist and my best friend (who herself is also a therapist), I still can't figure out if my husband gaslights me or genuinely forgets all this stuff.

I guess in a way it doesn't matter, but I still really wonder about it sometimes.

[Turkish]

I still drive a 2009. When I get new model loaner cars, the tech catches me by surprise, mostly the out of lane warnings. I had an upmodel CX90 recently and the cameras catch speed limit signs, so it made to to tell me that I was speeding. 

Do you think validation would work? Like, "yeah, this new tech drives me nuts, as well. It's too bad we can't rent older cars."

[townhouse]

Right on point Turkish, the car I’ve loaned is the CX-30 the smaller version of the car you mentioned. The lane change noise is very loud, certainly you get a start until you get used to it.
Validation is my middle name, just about everything I say to H is validating so he doesn’t lose it.
I think they do remembe Gerda, I mean a person with BPD is still intelligent and has a good memory. These shouting, anger dysregulations are not a complete psychotic episode are they.

[Turkish]

I think they do remembe Gerda, I mean a person with BPD is still intelligent and has a good memory. These shouting, anger dysregulations are not a complete psychotic episode are they.

Hard to say... when S14 was about 2, his mom was cooking dinner. I was carrying him around the house and he fell asleep on my shoulder. I dreaded telling her as she wanted to give him a bath. I walked into the kitchen with him on my shoulder and told her then walked out. She slammed the fridge door hard enough that the door contents fell on the floor and broke, making a mess of junk and glass. I put the baby down and got on the floor to clean it up while she chewed angrily at the table. It was the only time I was a little afraid of sleeping next to her.

I brought it up years later after she left. She believed me when I told her, but seemed pained that she couldn't remember that incident.  Dissociation is real.

BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and Dysphoria

[ForeverDad]

It can also be an aspect of what the person unconsciously remembers - or consciously not.  At least that's my conclusion.

To me it always felt too convenient how my ex denied remembering prior episodes, yet she always knew how far to push my buttons, so to speak, when relentlessly ranting and raging.  In some ways she was just too neat about it to be totally clueless.

In the end I just had to deal with "what was" and set aside the whys and hows.

[EyesUp]

When I was married, I typically did the driving because my uBPDxw often had anxiety - as well as a poor sense of direction.  She was only too happy for me to drive.

Although... Occasionally, she'd want to drive.

One time we were on our way home and she was driving 50 in a 65 in the passing lane, with a long line of cars in back of us.  I bit my tongue for many miles.  As cars started to pass on the right, some would occasionally lay on the horn as they passed to signal their displeasure.

Sensing her anxiety rising, I knew I was in a lose/lose situation.

What can be done in that situation?

Say it's the other's guy's problem (when that's obviously not the case)?
Offer assurance (possibly insincere)?
Come right out and say maybe the other lane is the place to be?  > automatic ka-boom
Remain silent?

Pick your poison.

In these situations, the best response *may* be the one that's least likely to cause an immediate car crash.

I don't think it's wrong to opt for safety.

In the case of the new-fangled alerts...  maybe there's a redirect.

"I bet the younger generation benefits from this.  But do you think they like it?"

i.e., these alerts aren't for your H, obviously.  They must be intended for someone else.