advice please - first post

[goldenfool]

Hi all.  Been reading through and am recognizing our family dynamics so much.  My 27yo daughter has BPD.  She currently sees a psychiatrist who says it's not that, it's autism and adhd.  However, her behaviour fits with everything that has been written here and she has a bpd diagnosis from before.

She can't live with us, the stress is awful.  She can't live with others, it's fine for a few months then the honeymoon is over and it all turns to crap.  So we, in our mid to late 50s, bought a small house 4 years ago for her to live in.  It has a basement suite so we put her in there, thought we could rent out upstairs so we wouldn't be out of pocket so much.  Well, she made the upstairs tenants lives miserable so she's got the whole house now.

She is on assistance which is not a lot of money and we do charge rent.  This doesn't cover all the costs and is well under market value.  You can rent just a bedroom for the cost we are charging.  We also continue to pay for therapy as that's not covered by healthcare. 

Here's the request for advice.  We just got a long text about how awful the house is and how we treat her terribly and have done since she's a child, all the horrible things we do and have done.  At what point do I stop paying for therapy?  The therapist is giving her a deal so it's between $125 and $250 a month as a rule, she usually goes once or twice.  But we are looking at retirement in a few years and know that we can't keep this up.  I'd love to kick her out but she can't afford to live anywhere else and she'd be on the street.

I actually want to cut contact for now, block her phone, not respond to emails, etc.  I'm feeling so done.  I don't want to do this for 30 more years until I die!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

I don’t know that I have any advice, just want to say I can relate. My daughter doesn’t have stable housing because she can’t get along with people or landlords.  And it’s always everyone else’s fault.  We helped her a lot in her twenties as well.  She is 33 now. She also has sent long texts accusing us of being awful parents many times.  Seems to be a theme with BPD.  I try not to take it too personally any longer as I have seen her do it others around her as well.  We are also in our 50s and after seeing her spend money recklessly for many years we have stopped paying for anything. She goes tanning, gets her nails done, hair extensions etc and shows off on FB then complains she has no money.  Also spent an insane amount of money she received from a lawsuit within months of receiving it.  I am no longer able to work and my husband is nearing 60.  Time to put ourselves first and I feel no guilt at this point. 

[BPDstinks]

hi ladies!  boy, can I relate!  My 24 BPD daughter cut off ties with her father, me & her sister....I received a TIRADE of all the ways I failed her, how I am toxic, ignored her, as a child (yet, she stated I am enabling her & she said if I call her she will get a restraining order...I am sad, however, starting to dig out of the sadness (the holidays were VERY hard) i think i know what "started" this...she asked me for $4000 right around April 2023, for a college bill I knew nothing about; i said I could pay it (why? it is not my bill) "soon", she seemed to think it was that minute & said I lied to her, than slowly stopped talking to me (I started sending payments to her, to help, she than told me what I was sending was not enough!!!) I paid sooo much money to get her an apartment, furniture, I, too, pay her therapy bills, car insurance & she is on my cell phone plan....I honestly just go with it, because i am afraid she will "lose it", but...I admit I am getting angry because, it would all be worth it, for a simple thank you or text here & there....I truly cannot fathom how this transpired

[kells76]

Hello goldenfool and I'll add my welcome with everyone else 

Adding disordered dynamics on top of adult child financial stress is really difficult. "Typical" parenting advice often doesn't cut it. Fortunately this is a group that understand the unique challenges of interacting with an adult child with mental health issues 

Whatever her diagnosis is, or whatever the label on the behavior, what matters is that it isn't working for you -- it isn't sustainable. So while it could well be autism + ADHD instead of BPD, or it could be autism + BPD but not ADHD, or any combination of those three, what's important is finding a way to step out of the drama and obligation and support at a level that you can sustain, regardless of what she or anyone else insists on. (Side thought about the labels/diagnoses -- unless the psychiatrist tells you in person "it isn't BPD", then take it with a grain of salt. If BPD is in the mix, then your D27 may say all kinds of things that "felt true" in the appointment, but if you weren't there, then it's her take on things, not necessarily what the doctor said.)

We just got a long text about how awful the house is and how we treat her terribly and have done since she's a child, all the horrible things we do and have done.  At what point do I stop paying for therapy?  The therapist is giving her a deal so it's between $125 and $250 a month as a rule, she usually goes once or twice.  But we are looking at retirement in a few years and know that we can't keep this up.  I'd love to kick her out but she can't afford to live anywhere else and she'd be on the street.

I think you stop paying when you decide to -- not to be simplistic about it. It's OK to do what you can do with integrity while still taking care of yourself, and to stop doing things that you cannot do any longer. In order to truly support your adult child, you need to take care of yourself first. If you aren't in a solid place emotionally (and financially), then interactions with her may have an undercurrent of resentment, stress, obligations, and frustration. She may not like that you take care of yourself first and then see if you can care for her... but it may be a more loving approach.

Of course, you don't have to "make a big announcement" to her "Because you always say negative things about us, we will no longer facilitate your lifestyle" -- not a very constructive approach. It might be worth considering giving her a heads up that is a statement, not a request for agreement or a judgment: "We looked at our budget and things will be changing. Starting next month, we will be able to cover 90% of XYZ. After that, it will go to 80%, then the month after that 70%. By Month/Year it will be at 0%. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you can plan. Love you, Mom"

In all of the logistical weeds, it can be easy to lose sight of the emotional reasons inside of us impacting our decision-making. I can understand wanting to cut all contact with her to end the logistical/budget issues -- maybe meeting up with a therapist or counselor could help you untangle those thoughts? It would also be a way to take care of yourself and get some extra support. Relationships with pwBPD take an immense amount of energy, I know.

Hope there's some helpful food for thought in there, and again, welcome;

kells76

[CC43]

Hi,

I can relate to this situation as well.  A key difference is in my case, I'm a stepmom who did not rear my stepdaughter.  Since I'm not her "real" mom, I'm perhaps not as emotionally triggered.

But what I have observed is that in my stepdaughter's world, the link between behavior and consequences has been short-circuited.  In her world, bad behavior confers benefits:  parents bend over backwards to rescue her, she evades responsibility for her poor choices, and she's handed significant amounts of money, for no work and even less gratitude!  She basically lives her life on permanent vacation, with no responsibility for schooling, work or taking care of her living space!  Her living situations have been continually upgraded (from parental home, to roommates, to a single apartment)!  The worse her behavior, the more benefits she got!  So why would she ever change?

Well she did decide to change eventually, mostly because her bad behavior alienated her from all her friends, peers and family.  The social exclusion was too much to bear.  And if a full-grown adult isn't working, or in school, or socializing with peers, then what is their self-worth?  It seems to me that BPD is mostly a social-emotional illness that, if untreated, traps people in a pit of raging despair and learned helplessness.

But if you allow your daughter to treat you poorly, she'll never learn to get a handle her emotions and act as an adult.  She'll continue to blame you for all her own problems--because when she does that, you feel guilty and cave in, giving her more support, mostly financial.  I think she will be a bottomless pit of neediness and ingratitude, unless you draw the line.  You love her, and you want to help her get on a path towards independent living, but only if she treats you with respect, makes progress on employment and gets therapy.  Would you rather impose a positive change now, while she's still young enough to turn her life around, or live like this until you die?  And then how will she survive?

[Ourworld]

Hello Golden,

Do you feel that the therapy you have been paying for has even helped? If in fact she does suffer from BPD she may not be getting what she needs anyway, which does not help the situation.

You said she gets assistance, so I assume that she is unable to work?
 Perhaps there is something she can do somewhere that employs mentally challenged people. It would be good for her to work!

Is it possible that she could pay you ‘rent’ that would cover the cost of adequate and correct therapy?  Tell her to pay some ‘rent’ and you will continue to let her live in the house and pay for her therapy. She should think she’s getting a ‘deal’, but you know the truth. Even if she can only contribute 1/2 until she gets a job!

Also, if she complains about her house, would she be able to tell you her concern (or realize she doesn’t have a real one)?!

The main thing is not to let her walk all over you, be strong, maybe you could write out the plan and her dad could explain it to her, saying that y’all’s income is changing and she needs to contribute. (or something like that), but again, this has to be put to her that is how it is-no if, ands, or buts!

If you block her this would probably aggravate the situation, I strongly suggest you do not do that. But I do think you should put your foot down and write out what you are going to do once you decide and make sure she is aware.

I wish you the best!

[Ourworld]

Sorry, I just re-read where you said you are charging some minimal rent, so can you possibly increase it to cover therapy cost as well?

Just tell her the increase is due to the price of everything going up.

She doesn’t require or need a full disclosure, if you do that; she just walked all over you. I don’t see this as manipulation necessarily, it’s just something they do as part of their childish nature.

My daughter is now 38, she is high-functioning and is self-sufficient (in a way I suppose), she blocked me at your daughter’s age of 27. You don’t want to be blocked, and if you do that, I think she would feel abandoned and retaliate.