New RO and Custody Battle

[tribecca99]

So I just spent 6 years with an extreme BPD (undiagnosed or maybe hidden from me), and we share a 3 year-old child. She was the worst Mom ever. She has an older son that committed the worst of the worst acts ever against minors. My UnexBPD (I don't know your language yet!) officially lost her mind last month and barricaded herself in the home for days yelling everyone was trying to kill her. Police drama, TRO, she got 2 hours supervised visits through the Court but hasn't used it. I'm on my 3rd lawyer. She has been reporting me all over trying to get me in trouble, sent 100+ threatening texts to my family members, and sent police to my home very late at night to go in the Childs room for welfare check. My parents are out of their minds scared and pissed. I'm taking our son to Doctors, school, etc.

ANY ADVICE ?

[kells76]

Hi tribecca99 and

Definitely a lot of moving parts in your situation. You have kids, stepkids, abuse, paranoia, police involvement, RO's, supervised visitation, lawyers, reports, and threats. That would wear on anyone, to say the least. It all can feel so urgent, too, and you just want to take care of your S3 (shorthand for 3 year old son). And 3 years old is already a challenging age!

To answer your abbreviation question, we might say uBPD for undiagnosed BPD, dBPD for diagnosed BPD, xGF/xBF or exGF/exBF for ex-girlfriend or -boyfriend, xW/xH or exW/exH for ex-wife or -husband, and BPDh/BPDw for BPD husband/BPD wife, and so on. So uxBPDw would be your undiagnosed BPD ex-wife. We don't usually use the "x" or "ex" abbreviation for "extreme" -- I'd say most traits and behaviors bringing members here are already pretty extreme!

So a few questions to help us understand your situation a little better...

Were you and your partner married?

Am I understanding correctly that your partner's son committed SA (sexual abuse)? How old is her son, and where is he living now?

Was the TRO on her, or on you?

Who is she making reports to (CPS, etc)?

Are you living with your parents?

...

It's no wonder that you and your parents are scared and overwhelmed. This is a lot to cope with. I see some bright spots in all of this, though.

What stands out to me is that despite all her bluster, accusations, and threats, (a) your son still lives with you and you are his caretaker, and (b) -- which is huge -- she has supervised visitation. It seems rare here for mothers to get supervised visitation. The court sees something very serious going on with her that is dangerous to your S3.

I read that you're on your third lawyer. What's keeping the legal conflict going? Stuff from her?

We can definitely brainstorm ways to minimize the conflict, keep her wild accusations from infiltrating your life, and get some more peace and structure for your son. It can be counterintuitive, and is a marathon (not a sprint), but it is very possible.

Settle in here, read other threads, check out our "After The Breakup" workshops, especially the ones on kids in conflict, and we'll be looking forward to hearing back from you.

[ForeverDad]

Do not relax the supervised status on ex that has been set by the court.  Do not feel sorry for someone who has acted-out in such extreme measures.  (Yes, we do try to be fair, that's part of who we are, but you can't risk letting your guard down, you must be a papa bear to protect your child.)

Child comes first, your ex is way down at the bottom of your list of priorities, no matter how much she tries to guilt you or frame mischief against you.

Many here, myself included, have faced "unsubstantiated" allegations and suffered through the emergency workers' standard responses.  Your situation seems to be at an even higher level of dysfunctional extreme than most.  Our hearts go out to you and your little one.  Be aware and beware.

[livednlearned]

Any thoughts about why she isn't using her supervised visits?

[ForeverDad]

Likely the court is expecting an agency or professional monitoring company to administer her visits.  Due to her unpredictable nature and perhaps prior conflict with you, do not agree to be the monitor for her court-permitted visits.

It would be wise for you to maintain physical and emotional distance from her, at least for the foreseeable future.

Focus your energy instead on your son and what's best for him.  He needs a safe and calm home and you're the one best able to parent him.

Meanwhile, always keep with you where you go one or two sets of all the orders in force.  You don't ever want to be somewhere without them.

[tribecca99]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you for all the info, and now I better understand the uxBPDgf lingo. Yes, there is a lot going on. I'm a first-time Dad, and our 3 year old went through a lot watching his BPD Mama during his formative years. He's having a tough time and is extremely attached to me.

No, I never married her but she still has the engagement ring worth 40k.

My partner has a 14 year old son that was forcibly sexually abusing a very young boy for years in his Grandma's backyard. He's on trial soon and committed many other horrendous sexual acts. He lived with his Grandma, which is where my ex I think is now as well. My ex keeps insisting through attorneys that her Mother be the supervisor and not someone on the Court approved list.

I got a TRO on her with an immediate move out order and custody orders because she was barricaded in my home screaming everyone was trying to murder her. She is restrained with a hearing in 2 months.

She reported to CPS that I physically abused her for years, she stole all my financials and credit cards and is calling all of those banks reporting fraud or theft, and she reported something to social services Foodstamp program to try to get me in trouble and "convict" me of anything going in the custody battle.

She's also insisting that the 14 year olds MFT be the Supervisor, and for tons of reasons I can't allow that.

No, I don't live with my parents. But I did put my home into my parents name years ago. Somehow my ex snuck her name onto my stock portfolio account. She had been planning this for a long time. She made off with a lot of expensive jewelry, etc.

You should've seen the awful texts she sent my family (not me because of the TRO) that I raped her, poisoned her, everyone is going to jail, she's watching us, etc.

Yes, I have sole custody now. My TRO request paperwork was very poorly done by my first attorney. My second lawyer tried making me agree to things I didn't want and was just trying to make money. I now have a new one that substituted in yesterday (took him 6 days to do the form). He's supposed to be a legend and the best. He had his first call with opposing counsel today. 

I also read important dates are a big deal. April 7th is our anniversary. She feels that desperate need to see her son, but to her he's an object she's trying to win. She doesn't even call him by his name.

[tribecca99]

My ex asked for a continuance at the first RO hearing and didn't have to appear. It was continued until June and then mediation.

I don't get much help with my son as my parents are getting older and terrified by this whole ordeal. Also, blaming me for picking my ex, having a kid with her, not leaving sooner, etc. Only reason I stayed so long was to protect our son from her. I knew when he was an infant that she might get even 10% custody and that would be a death sentence for him.

Forever Dad - Thank you. My 2nd lawyer called and was pushing me hard to back down on the supervisor issue. So I insisted on the Court approved list like the court order says and then changed lawyers. Then I got in trouble for putting some of my exes clothes in 2 boxes for her as the police told me to do. All her stuff is still in my home a month later.

[tribecca99]

She isn't using the supervised visits because she thinks she can manipulate the system and that she's smarter than everyone (with her high school education). She wants it to be easier for her and honestly just wants to fight to win... not to actually pick up the phone, review the court list, set it up, pay, go get in her car and visit him. She doesn't follow through on anything but will throw money at lawyers because this is DRAMA and she's the center of attention.

[ForeverDad]

It is typical for court to order mediation.  Better stated, mediation attempts.  Attempts is the key word here, few of us ever had successful mediation sessions.  So while you should make a "good faith" attempt to negotiate in mediation, it is okay to declare it "failed" when it is clear your ex has staked out an unreasonable position or has unrealistic demands.

Beware... with your ex being demanding, manipulative, crazy or just plain dangerous, a poor mediator may look to you to give in on everything just so it can be called a success.  Don't falter under pressure to give in on your needed protections.  Court and associated professionals love deal-making.  Beware of deals where you Gift Away too much.

While a mediator may be an officer of the court and fulfill the requirements to supervise a protective order's terms regarding contact, it may be wise for you to ask for sessions in separate rooms.

With all the FOO (family of origin) issues, you are certainly entitled to keep the supervised visits handled by official agencies or qualified professionals.

Also, be aware that a theme in many courts is to find a path to restore parenting.  Anticipate that court may want experts to devise a schedule for her to progressively regain more parenting, perhaps setting a series of steps.  The problem is that the court only devises goals to step into more parenting.  What many orders don't allow for is what to do when the person relapses into poor behavior.  Then you're stuck calling emergency responders and starting all over again seeking restrictions and proving your case all over again.  So what you need is some flexibility to adjust the order up or down based on how she behaves, some sort of you or a professional having that Decision Making ability without going back to court waiting months for resolution.

Clearly she will be the parent causing conflict and problems.  Your task is to become seen as the parent presenting practical solutions.

[tribecca99]

Well I was right on about the important dates. She sent another police welfare check.

[kells76]

Sounds frustrating 

How did you end up handling that?

[ForeverDad]

Document this.  Dates and times, officers' names, any forms they provide you, etc.  You may need this in court sooner or later.

She of course has her own logic for why she's not taking advantage of the court's rules for supervised visits, however brief.  But for her to skip permitted visits yet calling out the police to do home safety checks shows an apparent convoluted concern regarding parental contact.

Let your eye not feel sorry.  More or less, she's doing this to herself.  You just focus on good parenting.

[tribecca99]

Hi,

I got a TRO for my parents from my ex. My attorney sent an email to opposing counsel saying my ex's behavior makes her look terrible and to stop it. I sent my lawyer a long narrative with evidence why I need sole legal custody... education, medical, etc. My ex really was awful and promised awful things would happen when I left her.

That is important information to remember on the step up plan needing to say what happens when someone fails.

She said a few times in her BPD rambling that she never wanted a child. Then sometimes acted like she did... mostly not. I'm starting to think with the not using supervised visits that she might not want him. He's an inconvenience. But she wants $ and to win this game. She will love the courtroom Drama. It will be better than reality tv.

[ForeverDad]

There are a few past members who did get sole custody and sole parenting due to the other parent misbehaving so badly.  But usually those are the most extreme of our cases.  For a parent to lose parenting rights, it's got to be very bad.

It is important you always, always behave well.  Imagine as though you have the court and all its professionals looking over your shoulder 24/7/365.  Well, not quite that bad, but you get the idea, you can't lose your cool, never rage nor rant nor raise your voice.  You certainly can be firm but not nasty.  Be very cautious that she can't claim you've been threatening.  Honestly, she'll claim it anyway but it would be either unsubstantiated or taken way out of context.

Likely, at least at first, the agencies will respond out of an overabundance of caution and investigate her rants.  My ex made so many allegations I never did know the full count.  It's as though maybe just maybe on the 101st allegation there might be something there.  Eventually they'll hear her out and then move on.

In my case, I had started a Change of Circumstances case after my final decree.  Ex's antics had continued and I saw a need to change the final decree, seeking full legal custody.  We had concluded our two year divorce a couple years earlier.  In the decision, some of her testimony was "not credible", courtspeak for liar.  (That was probably when she tried to describe Jewish Kwanzaa as a basis to obstruct a planned vacation I had one December.  My lawyer had a field day with that one.)  One brief paragraph noted, I guess in full disclosure, that she claimed I had choked her several years before.  Court did not comment on it.  They didn't even ask me to defend myself against the allegation.  I was granted to proceed.

If her complaints continue you might have to petition the court to issue a Gatekeeping Order where she would have to submit her allegations and the court would review them first and decide whether it was allowable or not.

A couple side notes here...

Most courts could care less whether the litigants have mental health issues.  Maybe it does in murder or high profile cases, but most here could not convince the court to seek whether a diagnosis was applicable.  Court expects heightened emotions at first but to eventually fade with time.  But with mental illness, that doesn't fade.

That said, that court doesn't care about a diagnosis, you may be dealing with more than typical Borderline PD.  Does she like to be the center of attention?  You may want to review the traits of Histrionic PD just in case.  Or as my lawyer repeatedly told me, "my ex is crazy".  Yes, that's not a diagnosis.  So our collective wisdom is to be the parent proposing solutions and eventually the court will catch on.

[livednlearned]

If her complaints continue you might have to petition the court to issue a Gatekeeping Order where she would have to submit her allegations and the court would review them first and decide whether it was allowable or not.

Gotta chime in here ... I had a gatekeeping order. To my knowledge, you and your lawyers cannot petition for this. It's something the judge orders for the court, to protect the court from vexatious litigants. I'm also not sure gatekeeping orders exist in many states.

Even though the gatekeeping order was a sign the courts were experiencing the same behaviors I did, and that was a good thing, it didn't really work because a clerk of court had to catch whatever my ex was sending and prevent it from getting through. Like a contempt of court, it was sorted like a parking ticket that, when added to the whole story, painted a picture of someone on the extreme end of not paying parking tickets, to differentiate them from someone who wasn't paying for reasons that made sense to the court.