Co-parenting and disciplining children

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here’s an ethical issue that came up that I think will come up again and again. My stbxw is, IMO, far too hard on our 13 yo.

I caught that 13 yo sneaking phone time.On the one hand this is a shared and important parenting issue. On the other hand I am uncomfortable with her mother’s potential response and subsequent treatment, especially without me being around. I drop the 13 yo off for a trip with her mom.

Handle it on my own? Toss my kid to her mom? That trip will
Actually be ruined.

[AlleyOop23]

Here’s an ethical issue that came up that I think will come up again and again. My stbxw is, IMO, far too hard on our 13 yo.

I caught that 13 yo sneaking phone time.On the one hand this is a shared and important parenting issue. On the other hand I am uncomfortable with her mother’s potential response and subsequent treatment, especially without me being around. I drop the 13 yo off for a trip with her mom.

Handle it on my own? Toss my kid to her mom? That trip will
Actually be ruined.

[kells76]

Coparenting and discipline is tricky, I get it.

It's a good thing that your kids' mom and you are on the same page about some behaviors (i.e. "Honey, Mommy and I agree that sneaking phone time is not ok, whether at Mom's house or Dad's house").

It makes sense that it's the level of reaction you're concerned with.

One approach is: if the "infraction" happens at Dad's house, then the consequences are also fully taken care of at Dad's house, and vice versa.

Do you think it would help the situation if you sent a B.I.F.F. email after the fact (maybe even after the trip?) sharing that D13 snuck phone time and got 2 extra hours of chores as the consequence?

Or are you concerned that even if you communicate to Mom "Hey, this happened and got totally addressed", that she will still try to impose her own punishment on D13 too?

[kells76]

P.S. "BIFF" stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, and is a communication format that helps in high conflict situations.

I know you are working on transitioning away from emotional connection to your kids' mom, so this format may help you, when you have to communicate with her, move towards a more "businesslike" relationship.

I have used that mindset when emailing my H's kids' mom -- that we are "cordial business partners" in the business venture of raising the kids -- and it has really helped me.

[EyesUp]

With so many things, it often boils down to focus on what you can control - you.

Let's leave your stbx out of this for a minute.

Way back when, my uBPDxw and I agreed that we needed to mindful about parenting our "digital native" kids.

We attended a panel discussion in our community about this topic and came away with several ideas that we implemented.  One was creating a "family phone agreement" that we reviewed with each of our kids as a condition of giving each of them a phone.  We've updated the agreements as they get older to address social media, etc.

Post divorce, the agreements remain between mom and dad and kid.

We also use screentime, so the kids don't really have a way to "sneak" anything.  It's built in to iOS, but there may be 3rd party apps or other tools if you're an android household.

When it came time to D, I proposed some language in the agreement that enabled me to retain primary responsibility for the kids' devices, although the agreements continue to refer to "mom and dad" as the deciders of what's what when it comes to the devices.   Screentime requests and purchase requests go to both of us.

Long story short, there are some things you can do with your kid and your kid's device that should help establish consistency between households.

Ultimate, if mom decides to do something differently during her parenting time, you probably need to suck it up - unless the kid's welfare is at risk.  A little bit more or less screen time probably doesn't qualify.

As for mom treating one kid harshly - this may be a parenting style issue, it may be a family dynamics issue, or it may be something else.  In any case, the best you can do is demonstrate to your kid that you're fair, reasonable, interested, safe...  keep lines of communication open.  Any time your kid asks you to watch or listen something - do it (well, almost any time - you get my point).  If mom is harsh, inattentive, emotionally chaotic, unreliable...  eventually the kids will figure it out and rely on you anyway.

Hope there's something helpful in there...  hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

One approach is: if the "infraction" happens at Dad's house, then the consequences are also fully taken care of at Dad's house, and vice versa...

Or are you concerned that even if you communicate to Mom "Hey, this happened and got totally addressed", that she will still try to impose her own punishment on D13 too?

For many years my upset ex would state she had punished our child and that I had to continue her punishment.  In most cases, I listened with one ear then afterward I would decide to do what I considered best.

She did not know when to separate our child from the deed.  (Love the child, discourage the behavior.)

One time shortly before our final divorce decree I got him back after an exchange and he was so dejected because she said she would adopt another child who would obey her.  "My mommy's adopting another child who loves my mommy and listens to her mommy and behaves to my mommy."

Over the years she continued, saying she would even disown him, even into his adulthood, to the point of causing tears.

[Pook075]

When I went through boot camp for working in a prison system many, many years ago, the first thing they taught us in terms with working with inmates is to be fair, firm, and consistent.  We heard that phrase at least 30 times a day.

The "fair" part seems obvious- don't be too strict or too lenient.  That teaches right from wrong in a responsible way.

The "firm" is an extension of fair.  Yes means yes, no means no.  We'll discuss it fairly, I will consider it, and then I'll be firm on my answer.  There's no use arguing it with me because I'm like the Great Wall of China and won't be moved.

The "consistent" means to respond the same way each time and to now allow your mood to influence your answers.  Easier said than done and this was the most challenging for me.

I've found that fair, firm, and consistent works very well with BPD's since it makes me very predictable and transparent.  My moral compass is known before I'm even asked and that helps me stay clear of so much drama...they don't bring it to me because they already know how I'll answer.  I won't be manipulated the vast majority of the time, so it's not worth their effort to try.

As others have said, you're in control of you and have almost zero control over your ex.  This type of approach can simplify things though and it's worked well my with BPD ex and BPD daughter.

[AlleyOop23]

Thanks all.  Very helpful.