Trust in a relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As of right now my wife is done with me. We have been having major issues for over a week now.
Lots of stuff with my past and how many people I have slept with ( see previous posts)

I talked with my best friend on Friday (mistake even doing that), she doesnt like me sharing things with people that are close to me or her. I had to, I did not go into any details due to the fact that she is very private but I did seek support. That isn't where the issue lies.. the issue is that I talked to her Friday but did not tell my wife until Saturday. We were in major distress Friday. It was the WORST day in a long time. She was hateful. Name calling, shaming. Just splitting and having anger outbursts left and right. I did not feel safe telling her in that state of mind knowing she is not comfortable with me reaching out to her.

I did tell her. Saturday. She got upset with me because I didn't tell her on Friday when I talked to my best friend. Understandable because I know what she has asked of me as far as 100% transparency. I was honestly waiting until she was in a rational mind state. Well, she said that was me keeping things from her. I have a history with her of sugar coating, lying and telling half truths. I have never once done it out of malice. I did it to prevent splitting and to protect her feelings. I promised I would be 100% transparent after the last time. I was not able to hold up to that because 1. I waited to tell her until Saturday and 2. She asked f I left anything out and I said no.

I did in fact leave out that I asked my friend that "IF" we ended things could her husband loan me money to get my own place and I would pay them back. The reason for not telling her was because it was me setting up a plan for myself and my daughter in the case that we did not work through things. I am protecting us because I have NOTHING and no where to go if that were to happen. I did not want her thinking it was because I was in fact planning to leave her because that wasn't the case so I kept that to myself. She is hurt, she feels betrayed again by me. I feel like crap. I dont want to lose her but I also can not promise I will never do that again. I can try but in moments especially when she is having an outburst or splitting I do not feel safe saying certain things.

She also got mad before this and said she was DONE because I follow a support group on FB and I had messaged people and did not tell her right away. I honestly did not think she would care because she knew I was part of the group. She asked if I had posted and gotten advise and I said yes but I did not even think to say I messaged anyone. I did not feel I was wrong for that. She thought it gave her the right to end things because I was being "sneaky" and then she proceeded to messages a girl on tiktok that she finds attractive because she wants to talk to other people.

I messed up by not being transparent and we have had issues with trust in the past and I know that. I should have been transparent with her but I dont know if I am just dumb for not being able to do that or if she is asking the impossible of an imperfect human?? Help.

[MSNYPAL]

As of right now my wife is done with me. We have been having major issues for over a week now.
Lots of stuff with my past and how many people I have slept with ( see previous posts)

I talked with my best friend on Friday (mistake even doing that), she doesnt like me sharing things with people that are close to me or her. I had to, I did not go into any details due to the fact that she is very private but I did seek support. That isn't where the issue lies.. the issue is that I talked to her Friday but did not tell my wife until Saturday. We were in major distress Friday. It was the WORST day in a long time. She was hateful. Name calling, shaming. Just splitting and having anger outbursts left and right. I did not feel safe telling her in that state of mind knowing she is not comfortable with me reaching out to her.

I did tell her. Saturday. She got upset with me because I didn't tell her on Friday when I talked to my best friend. Understandable because I know what she has asked of me as far as 100% transparency. I was honestly waiting until she was in a rational mind state. Well, she said that was me keeping things from her. I have a history with her of sugar coating, lying and telling half truths. I have never once done it out of malice. I did it to prevent splitting and to protect her feelings. I promised I would be 100% transparent after the last time. I was not able to hold up to that because 1. I waited to tell her until Saturday and 2. She asked f I left anything out and I said no.

I did in fact leave out that I asked my friend that "IF" we ended things could her husband loan me money to get my own place and I would pay them back. The reason for not telling her was because it was me setting up a plan for myself and my daughter in the case that we did not work through things. I am protecting us because I have NOTHING and no where to go if that were to happen. I did not want her thinking it was because I was in fact planning to leave her because that wasn't the case so I kept that to myself. She is hurt, she feels betrayed again by me. I feel like crap. I dont want to lose her but I also can not promise I will never do that again. I can try but in moments especially when she is having an outburst or splitting I do not feel safe saying certain things.

She also got mad before this and said she was DONE because I follow a support group on FB and I had messaged people and did not tell her right away. I honestly did not think she would care because she knew I was part of the group. She asked if I had posted and gotten advise and I said yes but I did not even think to say I messaged anyone. I did not feel I was wrong for that. She thought it gave her the right to end things because I was being "sneaky" and then she proceeded to messages a girl on tiktok that she finds attractive because she wants to talk to other people.

I messed up by not being transparent and we have had issues with trust in the past and I know that. I should have been transparent with her but I dont know if I am just dumb for not being able to do that or if she is asking the impossible of an imperfect human?? Help.

[PeteWitsend]

...
I messed up by not being transparent and we have had issues with trust in the past and I know that. I should have been transparent with her but I dont know if I am just dumb for not being able to do that or if she is asking the impossible of an imperfect human?? Help.

You're not dumb; she's putting impossible standards on you while also refusing to meet any standards herself. 

Talking to your best friend is not a mistake, and you shouldn't feel bad about that. 

I get the sense that pwBPD LOVE when you screw up & show remorse, because now they have a "rhetorical club" to beat you with.  They can "never trust you again" now that you "betrayed" them, yadda yadda yadda... and now the ball's in your court to chase her around and reassure her, right?  That's the only time she'll feel secure, because otherwise her fear of abandonment and paranoia takes over. 

The fact that you're feeling guilty about looking out for yourself and your daughter is telling; I'd recommend you get help for yourself so you can start to recognize what is fair and what's not. 

Looking out for yourself is fair here, and looking out for your daughter should be assumed. 

[yellowbutterfly]

I had similar issues with my xH about transparency. What I realized is that his asks were boundary violations and control not about honest transparency. I did not tell him things out of safety and/or concern for myself. There is a difference between that and lying about behavior etc.

I agree with Pete. Speak to a therapist as this is manipulative and controlling behavior.

What are you doing to have a plan for yourself and your daughter if you need one? Did the friend agree to take you in or help?

[ForeverDad]

If you browse my past posts you'll read that I highlight your right to privacy and confidentiality.  No, you do not have to 'confess' when being interrogated into the wee hours of the morning, as has happened to many of us.

How to differentiate when to share or not share?  One general rule of thumb is to gauge where the relationship is heading.  On the one hand, if you're trying to repair the relationship then of course you share information because trust is important.  On the other hand, if you're being interrogated or unduly criticized and meaningful therapy is refused, then likely the relationship cannot be repaired.  In such cases you need to review all aspects of the relationship and decide which aspects are practical to continue.  Obviously, one sore spot is sharing information (TMI) that would trigger the other person into overreactions and sabotaging behavior.

After all, if you're going to be unfairly Blamed for anything and everything as is common with BPD-like relationships, then at least conduct yourself as cautiously as possible to minimize lasting damage to yourself.