help ~

[Struggling73]

I am the mother to a 20-year-old daughter with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder, and I am looking for any guidance on how to encourage her to seek care and where to find a support group/resources for me. 
My daughter has always been a black and white thinker – even as a young child, things were right or wrong, good or bad, intense temper tantrums if things didn’t go exactly as planned – and there was no room for anything in-between.  Her father left when she was just over a year old, remarried quickly, had more children, and had very little interest in my daughter after that.  She saw him 1 – 2 times a year and he didn’t communicate at all in between, so she felt abandoned.  Her feelings for her dad and his family waffled between idealizing them and desperately wanting to belong to anger and sadness then back again – for years.  I remarried when my daughter was 7 and my daughter has a younger sister now.  Over the years, my daughter often treated us poorly, usually after visits to her dad, but we tried to let it roll off our shoulders and understood how hard it was for her.
She had a therapist throughout childhood, but her mental health worsened when she was in high school and at the start of COVID.  She received diagnoses of major depression, anxiety, and binge eating disorder – and self-diagnosed herself with OCD, ADHD, and bipolar.   Then her father took his own life when she was a high school senior, and things worsened from there.  She was never easy around the house, but things worsened – she was emotionally abusive to me, ignored her younger sister, and treated her stepdad with disdain.   
We increased therapy, she participated in day programs for depression, and she managed to graduate from high school and go to college where she is currently a sophomore.  She now blames us for all her negative feelings – her stepfather, in particular, is the villain of her stories.  She has rewritten history, and her dad’s family are the family on the pedestal.  She has gone through 3 college roommates in 2 years – all because of perceived wrong doings from her roommates - and she has few stable relationships.   She reaches out only when she is despondent or needs something and then withholds all information about her life at any other time. 
I try to talk with her about seeing a therapist, when she is willing to listen, but it usually just angers her, or she doesn’t follow through.  She thinks I am minimizing all the difficulties she has been through and that the problem is everyone else – her crazy roommates, awful professors, terrible family, etc.  She believes she is the victim all the time – nothing goes right for her, and everything is unfair.  She is brilliant but can be terribly cruel and manipulative.  I want her to graduate so that she at least has a degree, but she is becoming more and more unstable.  I am terrified for her; I love my daughter, but I don’t like her. 
Where do I go from here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi Struggling and welcome to this supportive community,

I can relate to what you have gone through and my circumstances were similar, however I have only recently become aware of my daughter’s struggles. There were signs when she was growing up, but her school performance being so excellent made me think everything was ok, and she got along with me well but refused to connect with others (I just thought she was extremely shy and would outgrow this). Plus she was an only child.

So, first of all, I give you kudos for recognizing issues while she was growing up and getting therapy!

I think you are doing well; she’s in college and moving into the adult world (whether she realizes it or not), I can only say what I did at this point, even though I was not fully aware of her problems.
I fully supported her financially and as her mother throughout college, she had numerous things occur, but as her mother I simply helped her get through them. She finally graduated after 5-6 years then got married in secret while I was working in Germany civil service. She  went on to get her MBA on her own! She had married a guy in 2011 with severe mental illness from the military, which she hid from everyone, then in 2023 when he had a psychotic break that turned out to be schizophrenia and he has a TBI, after 6 months of trying to ignore him, she left. My brother and Sister-in-law helped her move. She has completely moved on and he is getting treatment at the VA.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to go on with my own situation, but I think that you should stand by her side with her problems and mistakes in college knowing there will be much you probably don’t know. Keep encouraging her in non-obtrusive ways perhaps even asking a school official to help you if possible. After she graduates and starts a job, just be her friend, meeting for lunch and/or shopping perhaps, but I don’t think you necessarily need to mother her.
I could be wrong, my daughter is high-functioning.

I believe that she will find her own way. I think that my daughter felt like I abandoned her when I went to Germany for 3 years and perhaps that is why she has blocked me for the last 11 years. I am hoping and praying that she gets counseling and will re-connect with me someday. My brother and older sister are there for her and I have made them aware of her troubles and her counseling needs, I trust they will get her the help she needs. I hope nothing like that happens to you.

And, finally, I do not know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I encourage you to pray for her needs, but also for your peace and guidance.

I wish you the best.

[Ourworld]

One other thing, do not let this hamper what you want to do in YOUR OWN life, remember, as she moves on especially, she becomes an important PART of your life, but she will be starting her own life.

OurWorld

[Struggling73]

Thank you so much for your replies.  I think knowing I am not the only one going through this is helpful - I have been getting a lot out of reading through posts, and my faith has been helpful.  I will continue to stand by and be a constant for her (and pray).

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I am so sorry to hear about your situation!  so much of this resonates with my BPD situation!  I never knew about BPD...my (now 24) BPD was such an intense child, 1000 percent focused on everything & always MAD or crying (I also realize she only had ONE friend at a time (very intense) and something magically happened where they would no longer be friends...in any case, I have just started to realize, I, too LOVE my daughter (she no longer speaks to me, so...) I miss her, however, I do not miss the sinking pit in my stomach when she talked to me or the vicious mood swings & being afraid to speak!  Please hang in there!

[Manifest32f]

Hi : I am in a very similar situation. The past 2 decades have been very difficult and recently my daughter has chosen not to talk to me (initially intermittently silent after accusing me of being a narcissist) for the past couple of weeks. I am staying quiet since it aggravates her if I try to reach out at the same time accuses me of not caring when I don’t call. I can never be right ever! Recently she has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and who does she blame? Me