communication

[BPDstinks]

Hello!  any advise on how to handle this new issue:  I still receive emails/mail, texts regarding my 24 y/o BPD; the emails I forward to her, with a FYI greeting

The mail I have forwarded to her

She has a $981 credit due to her

She has a plane ticket credit (she is planning a trip...i figured she would need it)

I co-signed on her apartment; the renewal is pending my signature (I have emailed/texted several times

ZERO response (I can see "tough love" but...the apartment renewal is on MY credit (sadly, I do not know, does she still want to live there)

Again, I was given a VERY strong demand to NOT call her (she won't answer anyway)

I don't want to push too far & get blocked

trivial:  I am cleaning out closets (especially in her old room, that I made a bedroom for my granddaughters' (with BPD permission 3 years ago) there is SO much of her stuff (makes me cry) is it horrible to box it up & mail?

(no matter how much advice, suggestion & therapy I still canNOT believe these are the choices I have to make)

ANY help would be very appreciated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi BPDstinks,

This is going to be difficult to hear, be sure you’re sitting down.
I will advise you some based my daughter blocking me so long:

She did not want anything from my home, apparently this brought back memories she does not want to remember.
Finally after I had moved I down-sized, I went ahead and donated a lot of her stuff, and finally threw out heavy yearbooks I had kept from my other house.

When I completely cleared the house I was leasing for long-term missionary work (I only kept some clothes and personal things), I went ahead and got rid of the remainder of her things, this was tough, but I just kept telling myself that she would not want stuff anyway.
One thing I could not just throw out was the book I kept with all her school records and stuff, I gave this to my brother for him to keep if she ever asks, which I doubt. But either she or he can throw it out.

So, no, do not send her anything, knowing that if there was anything she wanted she would have already asked. I know it’s difficult, but you need to let things go, or this will hurt you more.
Just box things up and put in your garage or someplace for now.

As far as the apartment, I’m not entirely sure what you need to do, but you need to let that go too, again, if she needed you to do anything she would have asked, but more than likely she wants to handle it on her own.
I’m saying this because when my daughter was finally going to sell the car I bought her, she refused to contact me to obtain the title and ended up giving it away for a donation!

I know this is hard to hear, but this is what I have gone through, just do it in yearly steps, but do not send her anything.

As far as the things you have forwarded they sound positive, don’t expect any appreciation, but hopefully she’s aware of them, if not that’s her loss.

I pray for your peace and comfort!
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you ; not as the world gives, give I unto you. Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

[Ourworld]

Hi BPDStinks,

She had blocked me for over 2 years when I finally got rid of boxes of her stuff the first time, and it was just last year when I eliminated the rest of her stuff from my home and I also got rid of the rest of the pictures and wedding album from my marriage.
it was sad for me at the time, but it was freeing once these things were gone. Even though these things were in boxes in my garage, I just realized that I no longer think about those times, which seems amazing, so that shows me that once we get rid of momentos that it helps us to let things go.

I pray that you never try to hold onto any memories that bring you any type of pain, even images of how cute she was, because that will prompt a memory of something that brings you pain, her leaving, her illness, and her not speaking with you. Right?

Take care, OurWorld

[Pook075]

No matter how much advice, suggestion & therapy I still can NOT believe these are the choices I have to make

ANY help would be very appreciated

To be honest , these are not your choices and you don't have to make them.

For the emails, stop forwarding them.  She gets physical copies in the mail.  Or if she doesn't, then she can change the email address on the accounts.  This is not your problem though.

For the mail, go by the post office with a card filled out that shows her current address.  Problem solved.

For the apartment, don't sign anything.  If she needs your help again, she can ask nicely...at which point you can say yes or no.

For physical items, put them in a box and forget about them.  She'll get them or she won't.

For the airline credit; same thing...it doesn't concern you and you need to stop trying to help her.  If she needs help, she'll ask.

The problem here is that you're thinking that her problems are your problems.  But they're not.  You fix your problems.  She fixes her problems.  It really is that simple.

[BPDstinks]

Thank you very much for the MOST helpful information (yes...definetly some tough love)

I will (albeit, very slowly) work on boxing her stuff up, (putting it in the attic is fair, right?)

I wish I could just have a harder SHELL when it comes to this...so...I am very grateful for the advice

*in reading this...i think i see my own pattern, by handling what I can, I am still connected to BPD and that is not what she wants, so....toughest pill to swallow, but i get it!

[Pook075]

Thank you very much for the MOST helpful information (yes...definetly some tough love)

I will (albeit, very slowly) work on boxing her stuff up, (putting it in the attic is fair, right?)

I wish I could just have a harder SHELL when it comes to this...so...I am very grateful for the advice

*in reading this...i think i see my own pattern, by handling what I can, I am still connected to BPD and that is not what she wants, so....toughest pill to swallow, but i get it!

In the simplest of terms, you should focus on what you have 100% control over.  That's your bills, your house, what you have for dinner...you get to make all of those decisions.

At work, you have a boss....so you can make some decisions but not all of them.  Again though, you focus on the aspects of the job you can control and yield the rest to management.

With people around us, we can choose to be kind and nurturing; that's in our control.  But we have zero control how they'll respond so we can't focus on that.  If it's outside our control, it only hurts us to be hyper-focused on it.

By pulling back from your daughter, she'll quickly learn how much/little she needs you in her life.  Just give it time and give her space to figure it out on her own terms.

[BPDstinks]

thank you, ALL, for the excellent advice!