The Blame Game

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have Severe ADHD & BPD myself and so when it comes to my ADHD/BPD 22 yr old son, I can empathize and sympathize during some of his BPD episodes. My Husband who does not suffer from any mental disorder has a very hard time with it, but tries his best to have an understanding.
We have more good than bad days with our son but the bad days are so emotionally and mentally exhausting. He’s in between therapists right now and that makes things even harder.
What I have the hardest time dealing with lately is the blaming. He takes the worst year he had growing up and has it in his head his entire childhood was like that. I’ve told him I’m sorry and have been accountable for the terrible year. The year (more like one summer) was one where I fell into a deep depression after my mom passed and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was in my room a lot but I wasn’t on drugs or alcohol and wasn’t abusive. I agree with him I was not emotionally available for him. His dad, my husband was though so he did have someone the days I was down. I got help and things went back to normal.

Fast forward to yesterday he came home upset work asked him to work next week when he was hoping to have it off. He “EXPECTS” us to tell him if dinner is something he may not like so he can bring home something from work. The dinner I was going to make hadn’t thawed so had to do last min dinner he wasn’t a fan of and that set him off! The cursing and blaming had begun. Of course we apologize and offer to make him something else but that’s not his point. His point is we messed up and now we need to know we’ve always messed up. This time he had some new things to blame us for ( on top of being crappy communicating parents all his life and then some). He said if we lived in any other county he could of graduated earlier. Huh!?! I wanted to laugh but knew better. He’s never once brought anything up about this. Not even sure what it had to do with us not telling him about dinner. Another thing that came up was how he’s messed up in the head and autistic (hasn’t been diagnosed with that only ADHD &  BPD ) and we never saw it so now he suffers.
My husband had a hard time coming down from this one. I shared with him my thoughts I have too, like how dare he say these things when everyday we do for him. How he lives rent free in the garage apartment, how we just did laundry 3 days in a row because he didn’t gather all his dirty clothes the first day we did his laundry. I told him it’s valid to be upset and have all these thoughts running through our minds and want to say them to him, but it’s what he wants. I don’t think it’s because he wants us to throw things in his face but, because he wants his unwanted negativism to be justified.
I worry about the day our son says the wrong thing and my husband explodes which will then make our son explode even more. I have therapy coming up so I’ll be using the session to gain whatever help I can from it.

I wish I knew how to help him when he’s feeling out of control. It gets harder each time. He’s on waiting list for his new therapist so nothing I can do there. I’ve emailed him a list of others if he doesn’t want to wait for this one or if this one doesn’t work out.
As I’ve gotten older my BPD has gotten way better than my 20s so I hold on to that.

What do you tell yourself and how do you not react when you’re being cursed at and blamed, sometimes for things that never even happened?

[AlwaysApologizin]

I have Severe ADHD & BPD myself and so when it comes to my ADHD/BPD 22 yr old son, I can empathize and sympathize during some of his BPD episodes. My Husband who does not suffer from any mental disorder has a very hard time with it, but tries his best to have an understanding.
We have more good than bad days with our son but the bad days are so emotionally and mentally exhausting. He’s in between therapists right now and that makes things even harder.
What I have the hardest time dealing with lately is the blaming. He takes the worst year he had growing up and has it in his head his entire childhood was like that. I’ve told him I’m sorry and have been accountable for the terrible year. The year (more like one summer) was one where I fell into a deep depression after my mom passed and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was in my room a lot but I wasn’t on drugs or alcohol and wasn’t abusive. I agree with him I was not emotionally available for him. His dad, my husband was though so he did have someone the days I was down. I got help and things went back to normal.

Fast forward to yesterday he came home upset work asked him to work next week when he was hoping to have it off. He “EXPECTS” us to tell him if dinner is something he may not like so he can bring home something from work. The dinner I was going to make hadn’t thawed so had to do last min dinner he wasn’t a fan of and that set him off! The cursing and blaming had begun. Of course we apologize and offer to make him something else but that’s not his point. His point is we messed up and now we need to know we’ve always messed up. This time he had some new things to blame us for ( on top of being crappy communicating parents all his life and then some). He said if we lived in any other county he could of graduated earlier. Huh!?! I wanted to laugh but knew better. He’s never once brought anything up about this. Not even sure what it had to do with us not telling him about dinner. Another thing that came up was how he’s messed up in the head and autistic (hasn’t been diagnosed with that only ADHD &  BPD ) and we never saw it so now he suffers.
My husband had a hard time coming down from this one. I shared with him my thoughts I have too, like how dare he say these things when everyday we do for him. How he lives rent free in the garage apartment, how we just did laundry 3 days in a row because he didn’t gather all his dirty clothes the first day we did his laundry. I told him it’s valid to be upset and have all these thoughts running through our minds and want to say them to him, but it’s what he wants. I don’t think it’s because he wants us to throw things in his face but, because he wants his unwanted negativism to be justified.
I worry about the day our son says the wrong thing and my husband explodes which will then make our son explode even more. I have therapy coming up so I’ll be using the session to gain whatever help I can from it.

I wish I knew how to help him when he’s feeling out of control. It gets harder each time. He’s on waiting list for his new therapist so nothing I can do there. I’ve emailed him a list of others if he doesn’t want to wait for this one or if this one doesn’t work out.
As I’ve gotten older my BPD has gotten way better than my 20s so I hold on to that.

What do you tell yourself and how do you not react when you’re being cursed at and blamed, sometimes for things that never even happened?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Apologizing,

Indeed your son is demonstrating behaviors that are typical of someone with BPD.  My diagnosed stepdaughter will act in much the same way.  She'll be "primed" by a disappointment (like having to work when she didn't want to), and then she will lash out at family at the slightest provocation.  Her reasons seem convoluted--once she threatened violence because someone offered her water--but the negative feelings are very real for her.  She blames her family for all her own problems.  I think she does this to avoid taking responsibility for her own poor choices.  And I think she resents being so dependent on her parents for financial and other support.  She's in her mid-20s and yet hasn't finished her studies and can't hold down a full-time job.  She remains very entitled and often has outrageous expectations for others to cater to her, while she does absolutely nothing in return.  She seems very childish this way.

I try not to get sucked into her drama, and I give her time and space to cool off.  Sometimes that takes weeks.  It used to be that my husband would drop everything to cater to her and her issues, and he would expect me to drop everything, too.  Lately, we've been more resolute about living our lives, such as having meals on time (even if she doesn't show up) and going on vacation as planned.  I don't take it personally when she stands us up with no explanation.  And if she sends a mean text or email, I just delete it.  When she accuses me of something, I don't take it personally; I just see it as a sign that she's faced a disappointment recently.

At the core of BPD is emotional dysregulation.  Therapy can help with that.  My stepdaughter has undergone therapy and has shown some progress and maturation. 

[Pook075]

What do you tell yourself and how do you not react when you’re being cursed at and blamed, sometimes for things that never even happened?

Personally, I've grown to get through these incidents pretty easily.  I have two BPDs in my life (daughter, ex wife) and I simply don't deal with the drama anymore.

1) If it's general ranting, I listen as long as I can and don't say anything.  The exception is when the rant is about me.

2) Once the rant finishes, or when my BPD kid comes up for air, I'll calmly explain that she's too focused on this and it is not within her control.  I try to turn the conversation towards what we can control.

3) If the rant is about me, I shut it down with something like, "I love you and I will always be here for you.  I'm sorry you're upset.  But blaming me isn't going to fix this."  If the rant continues directed at me, I'll say something like, "I think its time for one of us to walk away since this isn't productive.  I can't help you if you're blaming me for something I have no control over."

4) I never give any advice until the rant stops and we're back to having a conversation.  Everyone loses the blame game and the only way to win is not to play.  I simply won't argue about anything anymore when she's overly emotional.

5) If the rant doesn't stop...or if it's highly disordered/dangerous thinking...or if the blame continues to be projected towards me, then I walk away or ask whoever to leave.  Then I go no contact until they reach out to me in a civil way.

Now, you're talking about a young adult at home.  I get it's harder to walk away.  That's when you ask him to find somewhere else to stay that night.  And when you do that, yeah...fireworks are coming.  But it's the only way to truly get the point across of right and wrong.  It gets worse before it gets better, yet it's the only way to break the entitlement.

A few rules that have served me well:

- I don't talk about the past unless it's a happy memory, and I don't argue over past decisions.
- I don't hold grudges AT ALL. I always forgive and move on because living in the past is toxic.
- I don't pretend to be perfect. I've made mistakes and I'll make more. That's called being human.
- If you can't respect me the way I respect you...or forgive me the way I forgive you...then it's time for no contact.

I understand that allowing your son to run the house by accepting bad behavior seems like the easiest route.  But it's only enabling him to become more and more bold with his demands and disordered thinking.  Parents must teach kids right from wrong, it's our #1 job, and not standing up to him virtually guarantees that it will become worse over time.

Confronting him will bring his wrath at first.  But let him bring it if it helps him get a handle on how to treat his parents.  Maybe you'll have to call the police, or maybe he will have to be admitted somewhere for a psych evaluation.  That's progress though, a step in the right direction for him taking responsibility for his own life.

For instance, the dinner thing- I wouldn't do that.  I'd tell him if he wants to cook, he can decide what's for dinner.  Otherwise, he can provide his own meals since yours aren't always satisfactory.  Make him choose though and do not apologize for it.  What he eats is his choice.  What you cook is your choice.  Those two things aren't connected in any way, shape, or form.  So let him choose 100% of the time and stop arguing over it.

I hope that helps!

[Sancho]

Hi Alwaysapologizin
You are in an uncommon situation in that having both ADHD and BPD yourself you have real insight into what it is like for the person. I am so glad things have improved for you - and hopefully this will be the same for your son.

Also I note you have more good days than bad! Now that is impressive!

The core of the problem is the blaming. I am blamed 24/7! Coming here helped me sort things out so that I cope reasonably well most of the time with the blaming. The blaming is the most difficult thing for me to understand - particularly as it focuses on the person who is most supportive usually it seems.

In my mind I think it could be something like this:
- there is a trigger - any tiny thing can trigger my dd at the moment
- fear of abandonment/anger - emotional response which is disproportionate to the trigger
- the emotions are huge so there is no possibility of reason or rational discussion. My dd can't even let me get half way through a sentence which is a possible solution to the tiny problem!
- now the torrent of blame happens because the 'target of blame' is supposed to 'make it better' immediately. Like a small child in meltdown, it is the other person's fault
- only time can allow the emotions to de-escalate

All this is happening within the BPD person. We can't control that - only how are we going to respond.

There have been some good suggestions posted in reply. I think the first step is to just spend some time thinking about why you apologize. Your ds keeps bring up his difficult year. From what you say, I think it's you that had the difficult time and ds had support in any case. Does ds trigger some deep down feelings of guilt that you have? If so, think about each of these things rationally.

You lost your mom, you had fibromyalgia - so many kids have to deal with much, much worse and constant things than you being unavailable - with legitimate reason I think.

There are practical steps you can take - like those mentioned above. My journey towards dealing with the blaming involved a few steps;
First I worked through what was happening. When highly emotional dd's blaming triggered my feeling of guilt and that I had to 'make it better'. It took a while for me to 'let go' of jumping to find a solution and realising that this intense emotion was no time to do or say anything.
Next I told dd that when she was in this state I was not going to reply, not because I was being critical, but because I could see that me talking only made things worse for her emotionally. I actually managed to stick to this which was not easy in the beginning. But I felt better because I knew I had explained why I was not responding.

I have some mental tricks that I use when DD is really raging. One is I imagine the words are cricket balls and they are flying past me! Of course sometimes the words hit home and I now can quickly come to my mantra of 'I have done the best i could possibly do at any one point in time.'.

Once you get free of feeling guilty, needing to explain or defend yourself, you can look at other aspects of what is happening and ways to change things eg the meal situation. Perhaps working out a weekly menu, showing dd what you are having so that he can decide whether to get his own on certain nights. That would also mean you know when to include him and when you don't need to.

I hope you and your dh can weather the storm on ds' bad days because you seem to have done an amazing job as a couple dealing with this so far!

[AlwaysApologizin]

.

At the core of BPD is emotional dysregulation.  Therapy can help with that. 

Hope I’m replying right.

Therapy seems to help for a while until he decides the current one isn’t for him. I really hope he finds one he can stick with longer than 6 months. I agree 100% NOT taking it personal is #1 key! I  always remind my husband of that!! Thankfully he’s great with money, though he lives rent free nextdoor in the apartment built on to garage. He is the only ADHD and 22 yr old I know who isn’t an impulsive spender.

[AlwaysApologizin]

3) If the rant is about me, I shut it down with something like, "I love you and I will always be here for you.  I'm sorry you're upset.  But blaming me isn't going to fix this."  If the rant continues directed at me, I'll say something like, "I think its time for one of us to walk away since this isn't productive.  I can't help you if you're blaming me for something I have no control over."
( I haven’t figured out how to respond right so hope this makes sense)

This is great and I was just telling my husband when he’s gone from venting to blaming and attacking we just have to stop responding.  Thankfully my son doesn’t stay mad long and even apologizes eventually most of the time, but that may be because of the dependencies but I’d rather accept the apology and move on like you said because dwelling gets us no where!

He does live nextdoor in apartment attached to garage so it does help we can walk away. The texts are where his words sting most. He’s a lot more verbally abusive that way. (Which is better than here as we have a 16 yr old and don’t need him worrying about his brothers episodes.)

I agree about the dinners and today after apologizing he also offered to bring home dinner from work. I took the opportunity to tell him we don’t always know what we’re eating but if we do we will tell him. I did let him know what we’re having next 3 days so if he doesn’t care for any of the meals he can get his own dinner for that night. 

I feel like when it comes to BPD it’s not one of those “you have to chose your battles” because they are already in a battle with themselves and no one is going to win.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply, you left me with some great insight I will be using and sharing with my husband.

[AlwaysApologizin]

I hope you and your dh can weather the storm on ds' bad days because you seem to have done an amazing job as a couple dealing with this so far!

Thank you so much for your kind words! They truly mean a lot!

[AlwaysApologizin]

I hope you and your dh can weather the storm on ds' bad days because you seem to have done an amazing job as a couple dealing with this so far!

Thank you so much for your kind words! They truly mean a lot!