What's next? I am conflicted and don't know my next steps

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 am shocked I did not think to search for this subreddit sooner. I am at a complete loss.

For nearly 35 years, I've been married to a wonderful yet complex woman who likely has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). To outsiders, she appears exceptionally kind and generous, traits that are genuine but only part of our reality. Our children and close relatives see the full spectrum—from profound kindness to intense challenges.

From the early days of our relationship, I noticed behaviors that could swing our life from bliss to extreme chaos. I've spent decades walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering her. For example, when she pursued multiple graduate degrees, I was expected to follow, a decision presented as optional but in reality, mandatory.

I could go into details of the past 35 years, but I’m sure many of you have experienced them. I really need to know what my next move should be.

Early in our marriage, she told me our problems are rooted in the way I react to her. She was frustrated with me "at least 1000 times a day" and every 10,000 times or so, I would be defensive. My defensiveness triggered an explosion, that I tried to defuse by hugging her and holding her. Eventually, I work my way back.

Eventually, I learned defensiveness is pointless. So, I started reacting to her outrage by calmly talking about facts. You can imagine the response I received to my “inaccurate facts”. I started recording our fights (with her permission) in hopes of revealing the actual words expressed in these fights. She listened to one at the insistence of our therapist. Her response was the audio did not pick up on the anger in my voice or the expression on my face.

Next, I responded to her outbursts by turning against myself. I became hopeless and felt suicidal after our fights. My wife described my behavior as "threatening suicide" causing her to experience post traumatic stress. She did not respond with any care.

I began to meditate; turning my self-loathing into quietly observing her outbursts. My quiet outraged her because it implied disengagement. She insisted that I not respond to her outbursts, but to do so in a way that allowed me to remain engaged. Really, she wanted me to be fine with her outburst, everytime.

OK, so maybe I try calmly and honestly communicating my feelings. For example, one day, she was furious with me for asking her opinion on a wall color because another person was in the room, I was “horrible to” her for making this ask. The next day, she was furious with me for making the color choice myself. I did all I could to let her know I still loved her, but honestly let her know I had hit my limit and pulled away a bit to protect myself.

Pulling away was a BIG mistake because it indicated I was unhappy with her. I believe her very poor self-image is destroyed when she sees me upset. Even the perception that I am upset is devastating to her..

I am now trying to validate her feelings without accepting blame or responsibility. Recently, she was furious when my boss did not invite her to a meeting with me (we work as executives at a company we helped start). She thought I should have insisted she be included in the meeting. I explained that I understand how she can feel upset about being left out. And I was sorry. This is NOT enough for her. She needed me to promise her I would not leave her out of such meetings again. Of course, she is equally angry when I invite her to a meeting she did not need to attend, "thanks for wasting my time!"

I am hurt and frustrated. Unfortunately, after a week of similar outbursts, I let her see my frustration by "not being as loving as I usually am." I hit my limit and need her to hear how frequently she gets angry with me. How I have to walk on eggshells around her.

Here is what I now know. My wife (maybe others with BPD) does not/cannot hear how I do things to avoid her ire. Moreover, phrases used in the PBD community lead her to react strongly, not with anger, but hurt and distance.

She comes from a very wealthy family and we can afford some unique solutions. I suggest I take regular trips to re-energize. This suggestion indicates I hate living with her. I suggest we take an apartment in a nearby beach community and she accuses me of wanting to live a life without her. Every suggestion reemphasizes I need a break from her.

I do need a break. I would be fine separating or divorcing, two things that terrify her. Honestly, someone needs to take care of her and that needs to be me. But I need to find a way to take care of myself too. She insists I learn to be happy with her outbursts. That is impossible.

So, what is my next step? What is my next strategy? I realize I am in for a life of these crises, but I'd like to lengthen the gap between them. Do I travel and tell her, yes, I need breaks. I honestly do not know how to proceed.

If I met my 25 year old self, I would say GET OUT! That said, I have three wonderful children and have a wonderful job, albeit one for which I am not paid (a story for another post). Now, I am a 60 year-old man with a massive history with a lovely, troubled, demanding woman.

[CoChuck]

 am shocked I did not think to search for this subreddit sooner. I am at a complete loss.

For nearly 35 years, I've been married to a wonderful yet complex woman who likely has undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). To outsiders, she appears exceptionally kind and generous, traits that are genuine but only part of our reality. Our children and close relatives see the full spectrum—from profound kindness to intense challenges.

From the early days of our relationship, I noticed behaviors that could swing our life from bliss to extreme chaos. I've spent decades walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering her. For example, when she pursued multiple graduate degrees, I was expected to follow, a decision presented as optional but in reality, mandatory.

I could go into details of the past 35 years, but I’m sure many of you have experienced them. I really need to know what my next move should be.

Early in our marriage, she told me our problems are rooted in the way I react to her. She was frustrated with me "at least 1000 times a day" and every 10,000 times or so, I would be defensive. My defensiveness triggered an explosion, that I tried to defuse by hugging her and holding her. Eventually, I work my way back.

Eventually, I learned defensiveness is pointless. So, I started reacting to her outrage by calmly talking about facts. You can imagine the response I received to my “inaccurate facts”. I started recording our fights (with her permission) in hopes of revealing the actual words expressed in these fights. She listened to one at the insistence of our therapist. Her response was the audio did not pick up on the anger in my voice or the expression on my face.

Next, I responded to her outbursts by turning against myself. I became hopeless and felt suicidal after our fights. My wife described my behavior as "threatening suicide" causing her to experience post traumatic stress. She did not respond with any care.

I began to meditate; turning my self-loathing into quietly observing her outbursts. My quiet outraged her because it implied disengagement. She insisted that I not respond to her outbursts, but to do so in a way that allowed me to remain engaged. Really, she wanted me to be fine with her outburst, everytime.

OK, so maybe I try calmly and honestly communicating my feelings. For example, one day, she was furious with me for asking her opinion on a wall color because another person was in the room, I was “horrible to” her for making this ask. The next day, she was furious with me for making the color choice myself. I did all I could to let her know I still loved her, but honestly let her know I had hit my limit and pulled away a bit to protect myself.

Pulling away was a BIG mistake because it indicated I was unhappy with her. I believe her very poor self-image is destroyed when she sees me upset. Even the perception that I am upset is devastating to her..

I am now trying to validate her feelings without accepting blame or responsibility. Recently, she was furious when my boss did not invite her to a meeting with me (we work as executives at a company we helped start). She thought I should have insisted she be included in the meeting. I explained that I understand how she can feel upset about being left out. And I was sorry. This is NOT enough for her. She needed me to promise her I would not leave her out of such meetings again. Of course, she is equally angry when I invite her to a meeting she did not need to attend, "thanks for wasting my time!"

I am hurt and frustrated. Unfortunately, after a week of similar outbursts, I let her see my frustration by "not being as loving as I usually am." I hit my limit and need her to hear how frequently she gets angry with me. How I have to walk on eggshells around her.

Here is what I now know. My wife (maybe others with BPD) does not/cannot hear how I do things to avoid her ire. Moreover, phrases used in the PBD community lead her to react strongly, not with anger, but hurt and distance.

She comes from a very wealthy family and we can afford some unique solutions. I suggest I take regular trips to re-energize. This suggestion indicates I hate living with her. I suggest we take an apartment in a nearby beach community and she accuses me of wanting to live a life without her. Every suggestion reemphasizes I need a break from her.

I do need a break. I would be fine separating or divorcing, two things that terrify her. Honestly, someone needs to take care of her and that needs to be me. But I need to find a way to take care of myself too. She insists I learn to be happy with her outbursts. That is impossible.

So, what is my next step? What is my next strategy? I realize I am in for a life of these crises, but I'd like to lengthen the gap between them. Do I travel and tell her, yes, I need breaks. I honestly do not know how to proceed.

If I met my 25 year old self, I would say GET OUT! That said, I have three wonderful children and have a wonderful job, albeit one for which I am not paid (a story for another post). Now, I am a 60 year-old man with a massive history with a lovely, troubled, demanding woman.

[ForeverDad]

Often we've lamented that many here, after many distressing years in our relationships, only too late learn about the damaging acting-out Personality Disorders.  If only in high school or even our 20's we could have been educated and informed about the various warning signs of mental illness.

But it is what it is.  And we have to deal with the here and now.  There is a lot to learn and share here in the various forums.  For example, one of our forums here has a variety of Tool & Skills Workshops, here is the link to a list of the many topics there:
Tool & Skills Workshops directory

An important question is whether any of your children are still minors?  If you do eventually decide to divorce, there are many areas of your life in which to prepare, plan and strategize... financially is a big one but the biggest of all is whether custody and parenting time would be a factor in the divorce.

[CoChuck]

But it is what it is.  And we have to deal with the here and now.  There is a lot to learn and share here in the various forums.  For example, one of our forums here has a variety of Tool & Skills Workshops, here is the link to a list of the many topics there:
Tool & Skills Workshops directory

Thank you for the workshop suggestions. I realize I will not change her. So, I survive by learning how to cope differently. I want to say respond, but a different response will not help.

I wonder what it might be like to be in a loving, safe relationship. Our children are adults so no custody issues. The finances are a concern for me as she has massive family wealth that provides a nice income but is not consider part of our married estate. Even after 35 years, can I separate from a person with these characteristics and not expect her to do all in her power to keep her wealth from me. After all, everything would be fine in our relationship if I would "learn to be happy."

[EyesUp]

@CoChuck.  Welcome.

Like you, for a long time I felt that I had some obligation - or that it was simply necessary - to take care of my high functioning but otherwise volatile and often hostile uBPDxw.

When I first found this place and became immersed in b-cluster literature, the idea of radical acceptance lodged in the back of my brain.  I'm not religious, but somewhat curious about Buddhism and so I turned this concept around in my head for a long time.

At first, I thought that it implied exactly what your W is asking for:  acceptance of her, as she is. This aligns with marital vows and some other ideals, so it sort of made sense. Except, I could not reconcile certain things, namely, I wasn't sure that I could, in fact, fully accept my uBPDxw's behavior. 

Somehow, while turning this over and over in my head, I had a proverbial lightbulb moment.  I'm not sure how I got to it, but it was a bright light.  I realized that radical acceptance, at least for me, did not mean accepting my ex's behavior - rather - it meant accepting what I could change within myself.  And one thing I could change was accepting divorce - rather than fighting it, avoiding it, rejecting it - without truly considering it.

I'm not advocating divorce.  I'm simply asking you:  Why, exactly, is it a non-starter for you to even consider this path?  It sounds like your W is financially secure and has family support either way. 

In terms of your own wellbeing - it also sounds like you have a prenup or some other understanding of how the marital estate may or may not be divided.  Have you considered running this by a family law attorney?  You might be surprised at what this looks like for you - and that insight might help inform how you feel about this option. 

I'll add:  Considering the worst case scenario might be the way to help gain clarity on the situation and help you either gain the motivation to soldier on, or try something new in your relationship... or gain the conviction to detach.

These are some of the most difficult decisions - glad to see you're looking at the skills and tools resources here - hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

While investigating the legal aspects and repercussions of your future decisions, understand that you have a [Right to Privacy & Confidentiality.  While her family's lawyers may have their own agenda aligning with the relatives, your independent lawyer is your resource who would be working for you.  Your lawyer should ensure your confidentiality is protected and guide you through legal minefields.  Even a spouse raging into the wee hours of the night cannot legally force you to "confess" how evil you are to make confidential inquiries.

One reason the chaos and conflict has continued is due to the nature of your relationship being cast into aggressor vs victim, controller vs target of blame.  It can often involve more than two, review the Karpman drama triangles that are so subtle yet confounding.

Sadly, one of the powers a person can gift to the controller and aggressor is acquiescence.  If you're facing relentless or even cycling rants and rages, it's natural to pull back, to regroup, to acquiesce since no solution seems to last for long.  But that's not a solution.  A proper perspective of what can make Boundaries work is so very insightful.  While the ranting aggressor likely resists boundaries, boundaries are for us... how our own boundaries can teach us how to respond and guide us in difficult scenarios.
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Whatever the consequences of you examining and adjusting your future may be, even if the marriage ends, you will always be a parent.  Even if it develops so far as a divorce, no prenups or contracted terms can block you from your children, especially grown children.

While we often use this quote when facing court action, this applies in so many other areas of life as well... be the spouse (and especially the parent) with solutions.

[eightdays]

It sounds like you know that having a safe relationship with your wife is hopeless, but are not sure how you will survive if you leave.   Even if the estate is separate, was there an agreement precluding alimony?  This is a long marriage and that might weigh heavily on your side if you don't have a paying job.   You might want to find a family attorney to talk to about that.  This sounds like an awful trap to be in.

[CoChuck]

I'm not advocating divorce.  I'm simply asking you:  Why, exactly, is it a non-starter for you to even consider this path?  It sounds like your W is financially secure and has family support either way. 

Simply, I cannot make a decision for divorce unilaterally. We do have a couple of pretty important, global projects we are working on together. In some ways, I have to decide if I'm willing to jeopardize those projects and the people benefiting from them for my own personal needs.

If I could magically control her mind, I'd have her choose to divorce and offer a fair split of the wealth from which she benefits. If the roles were reversed and the wealth was from my family, this is exactly what I'd do. 

[CoChuck]

It sounds like you know that having a safe relationship with your wife is hopeless, but are not sure how you will survive if you leave.   Even if the estate is separate, was there an agreement precluding alimony?  This is a long marriage and that might weigh heavily on your side if you don't have a paying job.   You might want to find a family attorney to talk to about that.  This sounds like an awful trap to be in.

Thank you for your support. Family attorneys say all say I will be in OK shape if I left the relationship. My wife's reality is so warped, though, that I can see her using her wealth to "take me down", something she has threatened during a fight. 

I have convinced my wife to use her wealth for good. So, we give nearly 1/2 of our income to some pretty remarkable international projects. I worry all the people benefiting from her generosity will suffer if I pull out. 

My next step is to set some firmer limits. I have tried this for the past four years. But I am hitting the end of the road here.  I have carved out a pretty good life in this marriage, but I have given up things for more than 35 years that I want to experience now.

[ForeverDad]

Just about all our members here are reasonably normal people but with an extra caring gene.  Otherwise we wouldn't have stayed for as long as we did and dug ourselves even deeper into our dilemmas.

But there's a downside to our Nice Guy and Nice Gal personalities.  Our otherwise excellent sense of fairness and niceness sabotages us in these relationship quagmires.  I noticed in your posts that you have a wish to be overly fair and super nice.  As I wrote above, that exposes us to seeking to please everyone, something usually impossible when trying to resolve BPD-involved relationships.

Yes, we should never be nasty but our overly sensitive sense of fairness, well, in many legal scenarios we need to "check those impulses at the door" - set them aside - before proceeding.

[CoChuck]

Just about all our members here are reasonably normal people but with an extra caring gene.  Otherwise we wouldn't have stayed for as long as we did and dug ourselves even deeper into our dilemmas.

But there's a downside to our Nice Guy and Nice Gal personalities.  Our otherwise excellent sense of fairness and niceness sabotages us in these relationship quagmires.  I noticed in your posts that you have a wish to be overly fair and super nice.  As I wrote above, that exposes us to seeking to please everyone, something usually impossible when trying to resolve BPD-involved relationships.

Yes, we should never be nasty but our overly sensitive sense of fairness, well, in many legal scenarios we need to "check those impulses at the door" - set them aside - before proceeding.

Wow, such wise words. I do absolutely have a wish to be fair, super nice, and uniquely care for those around me. My PhD advisor told me once that I take better care of her than anyone she knows.

I approach my marriage and my wife with even more energy than I did graduate school. This attitude gets me into trouble because eventually I hit a limit or make an unconsidered comment and my wife begins the "flawed --> rejection --> victimhood --> attack and defend cycle." She sees even the slightest bit of anger as an indication she is flawed.

Your advice to read about limits has been so helpful. I really have four our five non-negotiable things I need in my life...all of which are already (or close to) happening. So, I will given up on trying to hold her accountable for her BPD-like interactions with me. Attempting to hold her accountable sets off this cycle. Clearly indicating to her I still think she is a wonderful person yields the opposite.

At least, this is the thing I have learned and will try during this period of peace. The thing that sucks living in this space is that no one seems to notice how you become more and more self-actualized. My wife firmly believes we fight less because of her effort. AND I will not tell her otherwise.

The one standard that is nearly met is me traveling much more often. I think a personal trip once every one or two months will greatly energize me to face home life. We can afford these trips and seeing the world has been a dream of mine. My wife wants to stay in the safety of our homes. Moreover, she does not want me to travel because she believes she needs me to be home to care for her.

[livednlearned]

That she complains about you so vigorously and has not tried to end the marriage suggests she will adjust to boundaries given you have the will to make those changes.

No judgement here if you decide you're truly well and done.

However, if you stay, you'll need to radically accept her as she is and recognize you are in a special needs relationship with you as caretaker.

People with BPD traits have either very poor or low or no differentiation of self. Feelings equal facts. If she feels bad, she looks for the cause and because you're always there, 9/10 those feelings will be caused by you. Trying to reason with those feelings will only make things worse, as you've learned.

Most people here seem to figure out how to validate, but what is harder is how to have compassionate boundaries. Sort of like co-regulating someone if there is any chance they can do that. Often, introducing a new behavior will escalate things in the short term, what people refer to as an extinction burst. That outburst or series of outbursts is often part of the process and as long as it is not dangerous it's primarily a way for the pwBPD to process anxiety about x, y, and z.

You're asking for her input about how to fix the relationship but it sounds like she's emotionally flooded much of the time and is likely regressed. In those moments, you have to recognize you're in parent mode and hope she'll return to baseline so you can resume partner mode.

Try a small change first. Say you decide you will not be yelled at. Look at it like you're doing her a big favor. If she yells and you stick around for it, you're more likely to divorce. If she yells and you let her know you're taking a time out because yelling makes it hard for you to listen and feel centered, you're increasing the odds you stay married. No need to tell her that, just find a way to reframe what you're doing so it isn't about whether you're helping/rescuing/saving/supporting/appeasing/accommodating her. You're focusing on the marriage and since she can't or won't or isn't capable of it, you have to do it for the two of you.

Then do what you say you will do. Let her know before hand, when she's regulated-ish, that when you do this, it will be temporary. If you return and the yelling continues, you will do x for y period of time. Maybe it's go to a hotel and silence your phone.

Whatever you can do and be consistent about.

She can't regulate her emotions and doesn't see the situation clearly so any improvements are going to be on you. It's not fair but divorce isn't either and you deserve to be in a relationship where someone recognizes that you deserve basic dignities. If she can't give you that in your presence, then the only option is to take a time out. Since she has BPD traits, she'll require some guardrails about how that time out works and what to expect when it's over.

[CoChuck]

Try a small change first. Say you decide you will not be yelled at. Look at it like you're doing her a big favor. If she yells and you stick around for it, you're more likely to divorce. If she yells and you let her know you're taking a time out because yelling makes it hard for you to listen and feel centered, you're increasing the odds you stay married. No need to tell her that, just find a way to reframe what you're doing so it isn't about whether you're helping/rescuing/saving/supporting/appeasing/accommodating her. You're focusing on the marriage and since she can't or won't or isn't capable of it, you have to do it for the two of you.

So much of what you say make so much sense. I feel like I made some great progress myself and with her this week by accepting her, regardless. I realized what an impact it had on her when I indicate that her behavior is upsetting me (such a paradox because I only EVER get upset when she is yelling at me). 

So, this is my new approach. Yes, set limits, walk away when she breaks the little ones, but always remember that she needs to feel accepted, every moment of every day. She seems to have no reserve from the 35 years we have been together. 

Today, I hit a major stumbling block because our therapist was pushing me to communicate more about what was upsetting about various interactions. I said I understand how I need to simply accept so that my wife does not feel flawed. The therapist pushed for an example; she asked my wife if she wanted to hear an example. Reluctantly, I described something that had happened this morning...The therapist described how this interaction could have gone (yes, if one of us did not have BPD).

In my example, my wife heard an example of how unhappy I was with her and has pulled away greatly. When I asked, with caring curiosity, how she was doing after the session she told me it's clear I hate living with her and need to travel to escape. I spent some time trying to talk her down.

You have given me a great visual, though. For the time being, I need to be accepting, un-expecting parent until she gets through this moment. I need to do so because I want those times together when we are great friends. Also, I want independence and some freedoms. These come when we are partners.

Immediately, I need to contain my anxiety that she has decided this is the instance from which she cannot recover? I wonder if I'm the only partner of a pwBPD who experiences anxiety ;-)!

If I had god-like powers, I would instill this very desire, separating peacefully. But, I don't want her to decide unilaterally given all I have given to our marriage. Or do I? Maybe I nudge her to asking for the separation? I think not, but ... 

I am rambling. Thank you. This is good advice. I've pasted some of your lines into my daily reminder of the mindset I need to make it through the day.

[CoChuck]

I've pasted some of your lines into my daily reminder of the mindset I need to make it through the day.

The agony of living with a highly functional pwBPD is that I cannot even tell my wife I keep something to help me find the right mindset everyday. Doing so would trigger her flawed - rejected - etc cycle. 

Virtually all of our friends are people we seen very infrequently, who often live in other states or, even, countries. Still, all of them see my wife as the kindest, most accepting, generous person they know. Telling them I keep such a list would elicit laughter.

The few people who know my experience are my children and other family who have lived with us for a week or more on vacation.

[livednlearned]

The agony of living with a highly functional pwBPD is that I cannot even tell my wife I keep something to help me find the right mindset everyday. Doing so would trigger her flawed - rejected - etc cycle. 

That's part of the process of radical acceptance and understanding the parent/partner pendulum.

I was in a marriage with a man with BPD traits if not the full-blown disorder and I'm now in a normal, healthy marriage with a lovely man.

In my current marriage, there are times when my H becomes emotionally flooded, typically when it has to do with his kids. Those are times when I find myself in a similar sort of "parent" mode where I cannot share with him what I'm thinking because in that moment or during that episode he needs someone to help him regulate emotions. Like when his son had to have emergency brain surgery and we didn't know if he had a brain tumor or not.

Sometimes even in even-keeled emotionally regulated relationships we have to do this.

In a BPD marriage, you may be in parent mode more than you want.

If you decide to stay and want things to improve, learn everything you can about communication skills. I've recently learned about declarative language that I'm using with my autistic son - he has a nervous system that is extremely vigilant to threat and declarative language (e.g. "I notice" "I wonder" "Tell me more about" etc.) has been extremely effective.

We talk here about creating a validating environment and validating emotions but there are many other communication skills available if not essential. I bought a new book called Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg that's also been helpful.

Therapy can be useful, and it's also not enough. You need to understand what the communication skills are that the therapist is only able to share in part during your sessions.

I sometimes think there is an overlooked cottage industry for communication coaching to help people in BPD relationships. If you're going to stay in your marriage, invest a lot in learning what you can about how to minimize threat through communication. It won't cure your wife's emotional lability but it might help limit the number of bad encounters, and if you're lucky and your wife is on the less severe end, you may be able to spend more time in the partner zone.

Having said that, I also think it's wise if you suspect your partner of having BPD traits that you consult with an attorney to make sure you understand how things work. These are often unstable relationships and consulting with an attorney is a form of insurance to make sure you're not completely blindsided. Small pieces of advice from an attorney can put fears to rest that weren't real, and they can help you learn what kinds of evidence of documentation is needed in the event things go sideways.

[CoChuck]

In my current marriage, there are times when my H becomes emotionally flooded, typically when it has to do with his kids. Those are times when I find myself in a similar sort of "parent" mode where I cannot share with him what I'm thinking because in that moment or during that episode he needs someone to help him regulate emotions. Like when his son had to have emergency brain surgery and we didn't know if he had a brain tumor or not.
.....
If you decide to stay and want things to improve, learn everything you can about communication skills. I've recently learned about declarative language that I'm using with my autistic son - he has a nervous system that is extremely vigilant to threat and declarative language (e.g. "I notice" "I wonder" "Tell me more about" etc.) has been extremely effective.
....
I sometimes think there is an overlooked cottage industry for communication coaching to help people in BPD relationships. If you're going to stay in your marriage, invest a lot in learning what you can about how to minimize threat through communication. It won't cure your wife's emotional lability but it might help limit the number of bad encounters, and if you're lucky and your wife is on the less severe end, you may be able to spend more time in the partner zone.

Having said that, I also think it's wise if you suspect your partner of having BPD traits that you consult with an attorney to make sure you understand how things work. These are often unstable relationships and consulting with an attorney is a form of insurance to make sure you're not completely blindsided. Small pieces of advice from an attorney can put fears to rest that weren't real, and they can help you learn what kinds of evidence of documentation is needed in the event things go sideways.

Yes the language is critical. I wonder how living with a pwBPD impacts your communication in subsequent relationships. We hit the stress threshold when our cleaner comes to clean the house on Fridays or our dog does not go outside easily because it's raining. I cannot imagine being appreciated for my careful language during times of real stress.

The "parent" model is helpful because I find myself taking on this role at least once a day, some times all day long.  I particularly must assume this role when her anxiety causes her to lash out.  Likewise when she has decided I no longer enjoy living with her. This latter point is a paradox because I would enjoy living with her if I did not have to prove my happiness with her daily.

Honestly, I don't think I have the courage to leave, entirely because of the pain she will experience and the tremendous risk to myself, financially. Despite two advanced degrees, I have had to turned down paying job my entire life because they pull me away from caring for her. Her $900K+ annual income from her family provides a life free of financial worries. However, if we separate I am not certain to receive anything because I cannot trust her account of our 35 year marriage.

Alternatively, I try to find joy in my day-to-day activities, staying fit, consulting, and traveling. If I learn to master the parent instead of expecting her to be present, I will greatly increase the joyous times we are partners.

[eightdays]

Her $900K+ annual income from her family provides a life free of financial worries.

Wow, poor her!   She inherits this by default, and then treats you like this all the while knowing you are dependent on her.

[CoChuck]

Wow, poor her!   She inherits this by default, and then treats you like this all the while knowing you are dependent on her.

It is both a blessing and a curse ( I know it's a cliche). The blessing is obvious, but the curse. I mean, without the wealth, I would have a career, savings, retirement, etc. Now, I am entirely dependent on her.

You can imagine what I feel inside when she tells me I have all the power in the relationship and don't know what it feels like to have to trust your partner so much.

[Notwendy]

My father spent much of his time caretaking my BPD mother. She may be able to present as higher functioning to others but I know, from experience, she is quite impaired with BPD. My father didn't feel he could leave her- even if the relationship was difficult. I would not have blamed him if he did. This relationship was his choice to decide on.

Dad passed some time ago and I am next of kin for my elderly BPD mother. It's been interesting as being elderly has in a way "normalized" her high needs for caretaking but the only difference is that she has some physical needs due to her age. Emotionally her needs have been high and exceed her physical needs.

I think it's good that her income is high. The kind of care my mother prefers ( note - prefer is about her emotional needs) is costly as she wants private one on one care, even though care is available in assisted living and could meet her needs. Dad left her a significant sum of money but it has not been enough to maintain her preferences. Your wife will be able to have that.

So how did my father cope? Like you, he was very intelligent and had completed higher education. I think he also was smitten by my mother's charm and intelligence when she's at her best, but her intellect is also affected by the distorted thinking and emotions of BPD and does not translate into day to day function.

Dad had a career- he had to as he was the wage earner. It was harder for him to have his own time once he retired but when working, he did travel.

After retirement, he had a routine. My BPD mother sleeps in. He'd get up and go for a walk and then go out to breakfast or lunch on his own. He kept in touch with colleagues.

My BPD mother likes to have household help. If your wife will accept household help, it gives you a break to get some time for yourself. As a teen, it puzzled me that we had so many nannies and sitters long past the time we needed one- and housekeepers when we were at school. Now, I know exactly why- the sitters weren't just for us.

There must be some "label" for someone to be a caretaker for your wife- without calling it that. Maybe a personal assistant, housekeeper, personal chef- however you call it if your wife accepts it- someone is in the house with her.

You may not be searching for a new full time career but what comes to mind is adjunct professor. It's part time, it doesn't pay well but these are not your main concerns. Getting out there, interacting with colleagues and students. This could be a good thing for you.

[Notwendy]

I meant to say- it's good that your wife's income is high. My father planned well for retirement but we were not high income. We were ok- we had what we needed but my mother's spending created financial issues and she has done so now as well by spending above her income and depleting her savings. Your wife has a larger income and this is a good thing for her.

It's still your choice to stay or leave. Although my father did a lot of the caretaking, my mother was able to hire people to help her after he passed away. Your wife is able to do that too. If ytou stay, there is also the means to hire support people for your wife which takes some of the tasks off you.

[CoChuck]

I meant to say- it's good that your wife's income is high. My father planned well for retirement but we were not high income. We were ok- we had what we needed but my mother's spending created financial issues and she has done so now as well by spending above her income and depleting her savings. Your wife has a larger income and this is a good thing for her.

It's still your choice to stay or leave. Although my father did a lot of the caretaking, my mother was able to hire people to help her after he passed away. Your wife is able to do that too. If you stay, there is also the means to hire support people for your wife which takes some of the tasks off you.

Thank you for your story. It sounds like your father was a very generous man. I am glad he had the professional outlets. 

I have convinced my wife to donate a significant portion of her income to run some projects that do international development work. She and I both work for one of these organizations. Honestly, I founded one of them so that I would have a professional outlet and she would have something to do as we age. She and I both have PhDs and hanging around the house, reading felt just wrong.  Thankfully she is a passionate about the work as I am. Unfortunately, we both have integral roles in the same organization. As if seeing her daily was not enough.

My wife does not like help around the house. I need to be her for a substantial time our cleaner is here. She also does not truly understand her wealth. A personal assistant is out of the question because she could not afford it and would be too stressed with another person being around for her to serve (I am enough).

So, leaving might jeopardize our projects as well as my personal financial security. Still, I cannot be the "parent" spouse for months on end. Today, she is unaccessible because I proposed I use trips as an opportunity to re-energize, which she interpreted as "You are so awful to live with that I need to get away as much as possible."

Traveling is one of the limits I have set for myself recently. I realize I will watch my life pass by, unfilled, with a person who cannot show the caring, acceptance and love typical spouses show. 

[Notwendy]

There are losses to leaving and losses to staying. It's a complicated decision. I think people make the best one they can in the situations they have.

I wouldn't say my father was generous or stingy- it's hard to describe what his commitment was but it isn't in terms of what he earned. I think he was very fearful of my mother being on her own. Dad grew up blue collar. He didn't need a lot materially to be content. The finances were skewed in the family. BPD mother was on a higher socio economic level than the rest of us. We didn't go without our needs being met. We just didn't have the high needs she seems to have.

I know that each situation is different but my mother seemed to be completely dependent on my father as her emotional caretaker. And she is also financially dependent on him. We worried what would happen when he passed. She did remarkably well - because he left her a significant amount of money-(which she has spent recklessly). She's about as emotionally OK as she was before- because, emotionally, she isn't OK but in terms of coping, she is more resilient than we thought.

So, it is possible that your wife could be able to cope better because she doesn't need someone to support her financially.