Divide & Conquer

[SwanOrnament]

How do you stop your significant BPD’er practicing this damaging,corrosive behaviour ?
Their lies, the manipulation all intent on not just destroying their own relationship with  you & the rest but to make sure that every other relationship you hold dear has been well and truly sabotaged, eroded, destroyed.
This practice of ‘theirs’ is not just knee jerk reactions, lashing out in the heat of one of their many moments it feels quite psychopathic, planned ? It’sdone so surreptitiously, over many years, without you actually being aware ? In other words the relationship you thought you were investing in, the trust and respect you thought was mutual mainly due to your own huge personal investment,  at huge personal cost to your own well being … & finances was all in vain. Your own life shattered and friendships and family relationships destroyed.
I think you get sucked in early on, because this severe mental illness, don’t underestimate what it is, manifest in adolescence 13,14 yrs is my experience. They are still children and when you do eventually realise something is seriously wrong, as you have been putting their ‘deregulation’ down  to hormones, growing up … being a teenager. You then switch … as in my case to becoming protector ? It’s only natural as a Mother and at a stage where  you don’t know enough to protect yourself.I/ we’ve had twenty years and can never know enough. It’s exhausting.
So my question what can you do to stop the  behaviour of a adult child in denial & is unlikely to ever seek treatment any time soon, without provoking a full tirade of abuse and lies.Do you still confront them, when you are on no contact, but they continue to invest their time in destroying your life and relationships ?

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[EyesUp]

Hello @Swan.

There are a range of things that any of us can do.  It really depends on the individual situation, choosing battles wisely, and possibly knowing more about yourself and your own feelings.

N/BPD literature generally advises to remain above the fray - to avoid getting sucked into drama and chaos.

Sometimes the literature proposes that reach out to people we care about the most to offer a short, concise statement along the lines of "We're dealing with some challenges and you may hear about it. It's not my intention to involve you in any way, however, if you have any concerns I hope you will address them directly with me" - i.e., demonstrate that you're aware of the situation and that you're prepared to be reasonable, rational, and solution oriented.

In dealing directly with disordered people in our lives, there is general agreement that anything that looks like JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) will not work.  Attempts to reason, apply logic, etc., will likely get distorted into blame or rejection on the receiving end, and the discussion will go in circles or potentially escalate to a confrontation.

The hard truth is that we can't change people with BPD - no matter how much we love them, support them, stand by them, attempt to communicate with them, or show them a, b, or c...

It's like the old joke: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?  Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change...

The truism that change needs to come from within applies to everyone - but it's like 100x more applicable for disordered individuals who don't perceive social queues and circumstances in a "normal" way.  They generally attribute negative feelings to others - which makes it far more difficult for them to confidently look inward with healthy introspection.

We're left with limited choices as spouses or parents - setting firm boundaries, limiting contact, stepping away from drama, and allowing people we love to experience the consequences of their behavior are some of the things that we can do to attempt to create change in our relationships.

There is a possibility that consistently applying these approaches can, in time, reduce conflict.

To answer your last question:  Breaking NC in order to initiate a confrontation is a high risk approach.  Direct confrontation generally doesn't work because it's perceived as rejection - a disordered individual doesn't understand that it comes from a place of genuine concern, or that you have feelings too, or that you might speak the truth.  And that's at baseline.  If you're presently NC and the first new communication is a confrontation, it will likely lead to immediate conflict.

Do you have another outlet for what you're feeling?  Can you discuss your concerns with another family member, a therapist, or someone in your community?   

Hang in there.

[Ourworld]

Dear Swan,

I do not take my daughter’s rejection and negative things she says about me as vindictive or manipulative. I put it down to HER
disorder and problem, and I refuse to let her problems affect me.
I have let my siblings and my mother know that apparently she was affected by her father leaving when she was 11and has had multiple traumas after she went away to college. So, as far as I am concerned, they can believe what they wish, but I still communicate with them as I normally would.
But, just as Eyesup explained, you cannot change how a BPD person lashes out or what they say.
You can ONLY handle your own reactions and behavior. I would not tell people that my daughter has a Personality disorder such as this, only talk with them about things they can easily understand, I think most adults of the baby boomer generation can understand the affects that a spouse leaving or dying can have on a child.

Try not to feel like you need to defend yourself against her problems or lying tongue, if they do not see how you truly are and turn against you, that is their loss, just carry on with your life.

Another thing, as Eyesup points out, do not try to confront your NC daughter, you would get nowhere and alienate her even further.

Hugs, OurWorld