Marriage Therapy Double Standards

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Recently in marriage counseling I told my wife that she Sexually Assaulted me 7 years ago and that I had been keeping that feeling from her since I did not want to destroy her self esteem. Also feelings of shame, not really thinking what it was that just happened, and the fact that even after trying to bring up the subject over years, that she wasn't acknoledging it, so I just decided to keep it to myself. Since then I have been pulling back from sex, to the point where we now have not had it in almost 2 years. Last year she, out of the blue, threatened divorce and then gave me the silent treatment for a day or so. She then corrected herself and said we were just in a bad place, and that we need to continue to "fake it to we make it".

She then last week told me that the reason she said that thing, was that she had found out I bought an automated/vr sex toy in order to try and give myself "immersive therapy" to get over the fear of sex I had at that point that was leaving me sexually crippled (btw now diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the matter, of which now she knows). She claims that she was in my office looking for lightbulbs and found it in there (btw, no where near the light bulbs box, which is clearly labeled "light bulbs") and says she got curious after I bought a vr headset. Yes it was an odd thing to do, but with the shame I was feeling, I was truly trying to fix the problem. FYI...didn't really work without taking a bunch of viagra. Even then it felt extremely forced and not something truly to look forward to.

She literally threatened our marriage because she found a sex toy. I have been cleaning the closet and found she had bought a vibrator a few months back. I never said anything, as it's really not my business what she does in her own time. She wants to masturbate, that is fine by me. I don't care. But she has a weird rule of me only being able to watch porn with her, and not by myself. If I have to watch porn, she asks me to watch our sex tape from before we had kids while I travel. I don't like the control she feels that she has to have over me. Mind you she is not diagnosed yet, but my therapist thinks BPD is the key for her, as well the marriage counselor during our private sessions, more so Quiet type. )

She says she regrets the night she said that, as she realizes it was said and she can't take it back. She still wants to repair the marriage, but I have already told her, I never want to have sex with her again, no hand holding, cuddling, or even hugging/touching, as it sends my blood pressure up when she does. It's sad to say this outloud as she is the mother of our child. She is my best friend, but I had to tell her I no longer love her in a romantic way, only as a friend/co parent. She says she still wants to stay together and try and repair things. Next session is going to be telling her I do not think that is the best solution and that we both deserve to be with people who can fulfill all of our needs, and staying together for the kid or money, is not a reason to stay. It will only continue to have us both harbor resentment towards each other. Of course the incident at hand, she doesn't remember, she claims and is now seeing her own personal therapist. Of which I really hope it works for her.

[boundriesrus]

Recently in marriage counseling I told my wife that she Sexually Assaulted me 7 years ago and that I had been keeping that feeling from her since I did not want to destroy her self esteem. Also feelings of shame, not really thinking what it was that just happened, and the fact that even after trying to bring up the subject over years, that she wasn't acknoledging it, so I just decided to keep it to myself. Since then I have been pulling back from sex, to the point where we now have not had it in almost 2 years. Last year she, out of the blue, threatened divorce and then gave me the silent treatment for a day or so. She then corrected herself and said we were just in a bad place, and that we need to continue to "fake it to we make it".

She then last week told me that the reason she said that thing, was that she had found out I bought an automated/vr sex toy in order to try and give myself "immersive therapy" to get over the fear of sex I had at that point that was leaving me sexually crippled (btw now diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the matter, of which now she knows). She claims that she was in my office looking for lightbulbs and found it in there (btw, no where near the light bulbs box, which is clearly labeled "light bulbs") and says she got curious after I bought a vr headset. Yes it was an odd thing to do, but with the shame I was feeling, I was truly trying to fix the problem. FYI...didn't really work without taking a bunch of viagra. Even then it felt extremely forced and not something truly to look forward to.

She literally threatened our marriage because she found a sex toy. I have been cleaning the closet and found she had bought a vibrator a few months back. I never said anything, as it's really not my business what she does in her own time. She wants to masturbate, that is fine by me. I don't care. But she has a weird rule of me only being able to watch porn with her, and not by myself. If I have to watch porn, she asks me to watch our sex tape from before we had kids while I travel. I don't like the control she feels that she has to have over me. Mind you she is not diagnosed yet, but my therapist thinks BPD is the key for her, as well the marriage counselor during our private sessions, more so Quiet type. )

She says she regrets the night she said that, as she realizes it was said and she can't take it back. She still wants to repair the marriage, but I have already told her, I never want to have sex with her again, no hand holding, cuddling, or even hugging/touching, as it sends my blood pressure up when she does. It's sad to say this outloud as she is the mother of our child. She is my best friend, but I had to tell her I no longer love her in a romantic way, only as a friend/co parent. She says she still wants to stay together and try and repair things. Next session is going to be telling her I do not think that is the best solution and that we both deserve to be with people who can fulfill all of our needs, and staying together for the kid or money, is not a reason to stay. It will only continue to have us both harbor resentment towards each other. Of course the incident at hand, she doesn't remember, she claims and is now seeing her own personal therapist. Of which I really hope it works for her.

[findthewayhome]

In exactly the same boat. I feel I have the same thing. She cut me off sex though, other than to procreate. Back when we were trying to get pregnant the first time, she would insist several times a day we had sex. She wouldn't help me or do it with me but would take her clothes off and lie there, and look at the wall,  saying things like hurry up, or making noises that she wasn't enjoying it. I too feel traumatized from this.

In marriage therapy the first week she said she never enjoyed sex with me, but she thought I did...... The second week when I flagged that as upsetting she denied ever saying that, "I never said that". The therapist had to correct her and say she did say it. Several other things she said she hadn't or I had she was pulled up on. To the point it was incredibly validating but I felt sad for her that she doesn't seem to know what has actually been said or not said. It's all twisted and made up in her head.

I get things like "happy wife happy life", to try and get me to do what she wants , I have also had "fake it till we make it" quite often... The thing Is I don't want to live my life faking it anymore.

So anyway just to say I am in the same boat as you.

[boundriesrus]

I feel yah Findthewayhome. Thank you for sharing your story with me. For someone who is undergoing gaslighting trauma therapy (from the former biz partner) this is truly baffling to me as to what is going on. At the same time I did inform my parents of my intent to leave the marriage and try and make the best of co parenting, but they keep telling me I need to stay because of the kiddo. I remind them of the "incident" which I finally broke down a few weeks back and told them about it. They apologized profusely and then a few weeks later act as if that event didn't matter. I asked my father the other day, if this "event" had happen to my sister, and was done so by her husband...what would be his response to that? There was a pause and then he kinda doubled down with his response, but saying it would need to be handled VERY CAREFULLY moving forward. I told him he was full of himself and that we would be out back "digging a hole" (jokingly of course). That I did not appreciate the double standards of his crap, and one day I want to tell them both (for now they are assisting me in the legal payments, so I dare not bite that hand right now) where do you think my diagnosed Codependency issues came from....maybe they should google it and fin out what the most popular root cause is...I'l give you a hint...turmoil in the household while growing up. Hang in there buddy and I wish you the best in your situation, whatever it may be? Did you all end up getting pregnant, or still trying?

[Gerda]

Hi boundriesrus,

That last paragraph sounds pretty reasonable. Though I doubt your wife will see it that way. But you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who sexually assaulted you unless they are willing to do a LOT of work to repair the relationship, and people with BPD are rarely willing to do that.

"Fake it til you make it," is something my husband likes to say. He's still forcing/coercing me to have sex with him. Now he wants it twice a week instead of once a week, so he'll wake me up on a weeknight after our D4 has fallen asleep to have sex with me late into the night so I'm tired and sleep deprived at work the next day.

He still seems to think that if he just forces me to have sex with him MORE, I'll just one day suddenly start enjoying it. I don't watch porn, but I've heard that it's a porn trope where a man rapes a woman, but he's so good at sex that she changes her mind and starts enjoying it. I wonder if my husband believes that's actually a real thing.

Anyway, the more he does that, the more certain I get that divorcing him is the right thing to do. I mean, he can't possibly be enjoying this either, can he?

I think both of us (you and me) have to heal from some sexual trauma, and that probably won't happen if we stay married to the person who caused the trauma in the first place. Especially if that person keeps refusing to admit that they even did anything wrong.

[boundriesrus]

So very true! Now to just pull that plug (for me at least), probably next week in the next marriage counseling session. It's just not fair for either one of us to feel like sex has to be forced or provoked on a daily basis. My wife once told me that she would be happy if she got sex 3 times a day. Hell, even in the past (before i realized I had PTSD) my body realized it first and would  "end things early, seemingly on purpose" when we did engage, and she was still pleased as punch that she got "the best 30 seconds of her life" and would immediately push for a round 2 as soon as it was over. Just not fun. As I was telling my therapist this afternoon, I am looking forward to being in a good mental state to be able to actually want to have sex and enjoy sex again, without it feeling like a chore or requirement so someones self esteem is not directly tied to it or not.

[Gerda]

So very true! Now to just pull that plug (for me at least), probably next week in the next marriage counseling session. It's just not fair for either one of us to feel like sex has to be forced or provoked on a daily basis.
...
As I was telling my therapist this afternoon, I am looking forward to being in a good mental state to be able to actually want to have sex and enjoy sex again, without it feeling like a chore or requirement so someones self esteem is not directly tied to it or not.

Good luck! I've read a bit about sexual coercion now, and it really does kill your sex drive. I'm really not sure now at this point if I just have a naturally low sex drive, or if it would be different if I had a different partner who I was comfortable saying "no" to.

And maybe my husband will finally find that super horny woman of his dreams who will have sex with him every day when he gets home from work like he's told me he wants.

[ForeverDad]

An interesting factoid is that domestic/family court is set up to referee the end of a relationship. While the goal of couples or marriage therapy is to help the partners to repair the marriage, it takes two to make it work.  And either one can say it's not working.  And that's a possible outcome.  It just is.

One of our most prolific posters some 5-10 years ago was JoannaK.  In a few of her posts she made an observation that meshes well with your comments.  She wrote that if persons who work to attain some recovery then they would not be the same persons as before and there was a real possibility the relationship would not survive, one or both had changed that much.