Grief over the contempt, betrayal, loss, confusion

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I originally posted on the reversing a breakup topic, but I'm posting here now because we're officially done. As a recap my partner w BPD of 5 months (2nd time around) accused me of cheating after an incident where I had to work late and he became increasingly nasty towards me as we tried to talk through things. Though I was never unfaithful to him, he insists that I was cheating because there was "no better explanation." I later found out that he was carefully analyzing other events (me going to bed early, not texting him back for an hour, having to feed my dog, saying I smelled different/like another man).
He said that I'm a narcissist, that I don't want to take accountability for what I've done, and that if I'd just confessed to cheating and lying we could be together. When I refused he asked what all these "other men" in my life give me that he doesn't and said he couldn't understand why I'd let the relationship go instead of just fessing up. This of course drove me into a panic because I couldn't lie to validate his accusation, but he kept offering it as almost a way out.
The way he spoke about this was as if there was a literal video of me cheating that we were both looking at that I was denying. He continually said I was trying to warp his reality. I tried to reassure him of my love but to him I was deflecting. Nothing helped, it all set him off and added fuel to his fire. I did too much JADE but even when I validated and stayed calm and gave space and set boundaries against the verbal attacks, he took it all as a manipulation and my way of avoiding responsibility. He said I was too focused on people pleasing and not hurting his feelings, which I suppose is true in some ways because I was careful with my responses to try to avoid these explosions of contempt. I unfortunately feel that my desperation to stay together and to try to make him understand me only proved to him that I was "guilty."
Before this, things were going great. He told me that he wanted to marry me and had even told others in his life that. He was kind and gentle and affectionate and always told me how much I meant to him. Throughout the conflict he threw more and more insults at me - calling a whore, saying I didn't deserve to have a relationship, that I was a manipulator and gaslighter, that I had a carefully crafted image, that I did nothing but make him feel bad, that I didn't deserve kindness, that I was a mistake, etc. He compared me to his exes, using almost verbatim language he'd used to describe them, and then at the end threw in that he was already seeing someone else.
 I just can't understand how someone could be so distrustful and doubtful of the most neutral things after all the time of bonding and connection. While I get he feels that I betrayed him, I poured my heart into this person and showed him nothing but love and affection and commitment and I feel so betrayed myself. I've been using this site for help with understanding and have been able to get a lot of feelings out but I still am dealing with a ton of anger and pain and grief and hopelessness. I can't wrap my head around how I was treated, the switch overnight, and the extreme contempt and abandonment.
I know I have flaws. I know I could have handled things differently. But the hardest part is feeling that my partner was ultimately always against me, so that no matter what growth I might have sought or what I else I changed I would have always been seen as a terrible person. I still blame myself a lot and worry and wish I could have made a difference. Struggling with how to move on.

[Laurenzen]

I originally posted on the reversing a breakup topic, but I'm posting here now because we're officially done. As a recap my partner w BPD of 5 months (2nd time around) accused me of cheating after an incident where I had to work late and he became increasingly nasty towards me as we tried to talk through things. Though I was never unfaithful to him, he insists that I was cheating because there was "no better explanation." I later found out that he was carefully analyzing other events (me going to bed early, not texting him back for an hour, having to feed my dog, saying I smelled different/like another man).
He said that I'm a narcissist, that I don't want to take accountability for what I've done, and that if I'd just confessed to cheating and lying we could be together. When I refused he asked what all these "other men" in my life give me that he doesn't and said he couldn't understand why I'd let the relationship go instead of just fessing up. This of course drove me into a panic because I couldn't lie to validate his accusation, but he kept offering it as almost a way out.
The way he spoke about this was as if there was a literal video of me cheating that we were both looking at that I was denying. He continually said I was trying to warp his reality. I tried to reassure him of my love but to him I was deflecting. Nothing helped, it all set him off and added fuel to his fire. I did too much JADE but even when I validated and stayed calm and gave space and set boundaries against the verbal attacks, he took it all as a manipulation and my way of avoiding responsibility. He said I was too focused on people pleasing and not hurting his feelings, which I suppose is true in some ways because I was careful with my responses to try to avoid these explosions of contempt. I unfortunately feel that my desperation to stay together and to try to make him understand me only proved to him that I was "guilty."
Before this, things were going great. He told me that he wanted to marry me and had even told others in his life that. He was kind and gentle and affectionate and always told me how much I meant to him. Throughout the conflict he threw more and more insults at me - calling a whore, saying I didn't deserve to have a relationship, that I was a manipulator and gaslighter, that I had a carefully crafted image, that I did nothing but make him feel bad, that I didn't deserve kindness, that I was a mistake, etc. He compared me to his exes, using almost verbatim language he'd used to describe them, and then at the end threw in that he was already seeing someone else.
 I just can't understand how someone could be so distrustful and doubtful of the most neutral things after all the time of bonding and connection. While I get he feels that I betrayed him, I poured my heart into this person and showed him nothing but love and affection and commitment and I feel so betrayed myself. I've been using this site for help with understanding and have been able to get a lot of feelings out but I still am dealing with a ton of anger and pain and grief and hopelessness. I can't wrap my head around how I was treated, the switch overnight, and the extreme contempt and abandonment.
I know I have flaws. I know I could have handled things differently. But the hardest part is feeling that my partner was ultimately always against me, so that no matter what growth I might have sought or what I else I changed I would have always been seen as a terrible person. I still blame myself a lot and worry and wish I could have made a difference. Struggling with how to move on.

[Kashi]

There are so many people in this forum who can give you real guidance.

I only have 15 years + of heart ache to offer

The kindness, sweet, nice, considerate, are all the person trying to be someone they want to be but aren't.

Their fears are many.   One of them is you will not like them if you know who they really are.

It sits in the back of their minds, in a mist of shame, feeling unworthy, anger and resentment.

Ugly

Because the truth is they are not the person you believed them to be for more than moments.  Because they can't regulate their emotions or their mind.   

They will be found out that they are impostors.   They often say they have impostor syndrome.  It's not quite like that.  They aren't able to be who their personas say they are.  It's not a syndrome, it's fact.

It must be a frustrating world to exist in.

Abandonment.  Well, it's a matter of time and they know this.  Because one day we will see what is behind their persona.

My ex warned me when I pressed her a couple of times.  Firstly, she said I wanted a different type of person and then she warned me directly not to dig into her mind, because I won't like what I find.

I ignored that warning because I didn't understand.  Now I feel it was a clear warning and I feel she did try and protect me at one point.   The years melted that desire to protect me. 

So, we start a new cycle.  I say to her, it's like when you prepare to study, your desk needs to be neat, everything in place so you can start fresh, to do your best work. You are ready to make that A grade.  Let's get to it.

Cleaning the desk is superfluous.  It's a routine, it's a bit of hope, it's magic.

The cycle of starting again is superfluous. 

No insight no A grade and no functional relationship.

He can't escape this cycle until he has insight.  That will take a mammoth effort.  He would need to be prepared to not clean his desk in a cycle, he would have to face his inbuilt shame, his feeling of being unworthy, his inability to take any criticism, his desires for instant gratification, his inability to empathize and much much more. 

Or he can take the detour, blame, project, avoid, seek validation from whom ever and anyone. Sooth his fragile ego.

Do you think in all that.......All that inside his mind, he has room for you?

If I could sit with you somewhere quiet, peaceful, somewhere you love.  I would tell you this.  They create "noise" the noise is their emotions, it's messy.   

Go to that place you love, with me and listen.  What do you hear?  Nothing. There is no noise, there is no confusion, it's balanced, it's peaceful.  I am sitting next to you and not asking for anything, not making judgements. I'm just listening to you speak about how you feel.  The conversation drifts into the afternoon and you feel like someone heard you speak and really listened. 

That is you without a partner with BPD.

You are trapped in his "noise" and you belong somewhere else.  The longer you are in his noise the more confused and hurt you will be.   The more guilt you will feel.

Does that make sense?

You won't hurt him to move away.  He is prepared for you to move away, and the next person and the next.

He had one foot out the door when he met you.  Because he knows that he will be found out.

[Laurenzen]

Thank you for the response, it is all helpful to hear and makes a lot of sense.

Right now it all feels so unfair. I feel stupid. I feel played. I feel like my feelings were taken advantage of. I feel like my kindness and love and time were used and then PLEASE READ on. I feel like I opened my heart and life to this person who knew he could never be what I needed and he went along with it anyway because he wanted validation and sex and someone to fill his time while he was lonely. The irony of it all is that all the cruel and irrational insults he threw at me are actually what describe him.
I know I shouldn't go too far in the blaming but I'm so angry right now. I'm angry at him and angry at myself that these things won't just sink in and make me stop loving him and wanting him. I feel ridiculous, and at the same time of recognizing all that still blame myself or wish I had known what would set him off. I feel hopeless in worrying that I'll always care for him and be hurt because of him and that I won't find someone I can love like him.

[kells76]

I think I read somewhere that anger can be an activating emotion (don't 100% quote me on that -- I might not have remembered that exactly right). It gets you outward-focused, possibly threat-focused, energized, ready to point a firehose or a laser or something at... something. Maybe ready to fight and/or escape?

Some people describe anger, as general activation/readiness/protective energy, as different from rage, which takes a personal target and wishes to destroy it.

As you experience feeling so angry right now, what direction or action is it feeling like? Like -- running towards something? Away from something? Battling/subduing something? Escaping and taking yourself to safety? Something else?

[seekingtheway]

I just wanted to say that I really empathise with all the emotions and feelings you're going through right now. That confusion and bewilderment and sense of betrayal, disgust with yourself and with him for the way you've been treated... and then the fear you'll still love them this much forever and won't find that level of love with anyone else... this almost obsessive thinking and ruminating over him and situation... how it played out, how it could have played out if you'd done things differently...

Right now you're probably in a bit of shock as well, and it's important to create a bit of space for yourself so that you can begin to process what will no doubt be many different tides of thoughts and emotions.

It is unfair that he treated you that way, and to some degree you were most definitely played... though to what degree of awareness he has of his part in this is not known, and that's the hard part... not getting any type of closure or admission that he treated you really badly.

But just be aware.. because this was your second time around... he may come around again. My ex and I had two solid attempts, and the second time we broke up we entered a really hectic stage of push/pull that really took me to my knees eventually. This is a good time to get into therapy and really look after yourself. If you can stay out of contact, you'll be better for it. I didn't... I couldn't seem to do it.. and I've paid the price.

[Laurenzen]

As you experience feeling so angry right now, what direction or action is it feeling like? Like -- running towards something? Away from something? Battling/subduing something? Escaping and taking yourself to safety? Something else?

That's a good question. I think the anger is coming from the feeling of unfairness and not wanting to accept the reality. This whole thing has felt like something entirely out of my control which is scary. When I blame myself or him, I feel that I've got some sort of a grip on how this all happened. It also feels protective of myself and what I've dealt with, and motivating for myself to work on the tendencies that got me here in the first place.

But just be aware.. because this was your second time around... he may come around again. My ex and I had two solid attempts, and the second time we broke up we entered a really hectic stage of push/pull that really took me to my knees eventually. This is a good time to get into therapy and really look after yourself. If you can stay out of contact, you'll be better for it. I didn't... I couldn't seem to do it.. and I've paid the price.

Thank you for the comforting words. I am also worried about this. The first time around I knew that I would readily accept him back. This time around he seems to have been much more enraged and hateful towards me so I'm not sure that he will come back. If he does I'm struggling with how much I miss him and how much I don't miss the intense anxiety and pain I went through.

[seekingtheway]

Try and keep hold of the reality of what that intense anxiety and fear was like for you - write it all down if you can. Write down the facts of it all now - while it's fresh... it might help you later.

I'm not sure how many times I said, 'it's definitely over this time' and felt quite sure he wouldn't be back.. but he has come back SO many times. Because I let him! Always held the door open. Even now I haven't figured out how to totally cut contact. It's quite easy to close the door in a practical sense... but it just requires you to have learned you're worth more than being treated that way, no matter what his issues are... and being ready to get off the merry-go-round for good.

[Kashi]

You were true to yourself.  Someone else wasn't true to themselves.

We don't expect it.  We aren't prepared for that kind of betrayal.

Look at as a good thing.  In your heart you were genuine.

You might have seen red flags, and now that is part of your growth.

Not in my wildest dreams did I expect this person to try and destroy me.

I saw the red flags, but I misjudged them.  I did not believe a person like this existed.

Now part of that is learning about myself and why I would give that much to a person where I saw some signs.

It is a harrowing experience.

But don't allow it to change you completely.   

Hold on to that part of you that is true and do not let them take it because of this experience.

I wanted to believe, and they used it. 

Now I believe in me and that sometimes is a struggle.  But I see it and it will come back.

What was taken from you will come back.  Just be true to who you are.

[Laurenzen]

You were true to yourself.  Someone else wasn't true to themselves. We don't expect it.  We aren't prepared for that kind of betrayal. Look at as a good thing.  In your heart you were genuine.

It's good to hear this. I keep questioning and doubting myself and feeling dumb for being vulnerable with him and having hope that things would be better between us, or that he was being honest when he said he'd worked on things or was more open. But I know that at least I showed up with my whole heart and love, I never degraded him or called him names back, I stayed kind and calm, I was willing to work on things, I didn't give up when things got hard, etc. I can always feel good about those things knowing that I was true to myself during all of it.

I feel mostly these sharp pangs of anxiety about the whole breakup and then pain and yearning for the way things were a month ago. Because of how fast things changed it's hard for me to accept the reality that this is who he is. I just can't understand someone being so loving and sweet for months, and then suddenly becoming a totally different person overnight. The logical part of me knows that I have to take people for who they show themselves to be, but my heart feels this draw to him and this sympathy and sadness for him that his disorder gets him into these situations. How do I reconcile knowing there are parts of him that are totally driven by something he can't control? I feel stuck between blaming everything on him, myself, or the disorder.