Pregnant Girlfriend with BPD

[St6123]

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a half. Things in the beginning were fantastic. We had many wonderful months together, and then I started a new job and a crak in the armor started. Immediately she started talking to some guy on her phone and lying about it. When I reached my limit on that, she flipped it onto me telling me that I had been different since I started my new job. I disagreed with her. Her reasoning is that I didnt talk to her as much now while at work. I teach middle schoolers. I cant be on my phone like i was a t my old job.

She used this to further invest in this new person and I should have walked away but eventually we reached a fix. She no longer communicates to the guy and things are better. She still has questioning moments about who I work with and all that though.

She is now 5 month pregnant and it has been an absolute roller coaster. She has left me and came back 2 times already and I have gotten to the point where I get insane anxiety everytime she starts asking me questions. I am not guilty of anything, but I know where its going and I cant stop it.

Last night she accused me of blocking a fake number instead of an exes. I know she is wrong, but she is set in her memory being that the number is different. I block my ex, not because I need to, but because I am terrified she might randomly one day text me and it will be the end of the world for my current gf. I am in no contact with any woman, or really anyone at this point.

We had a small disagreement about it yesterday and then last night as I am going to bed she sees a scratch on my back and all of a sudden I am being called a cheater and all sorts of stuff. I spent all day yesterday remulching her gardens so its feasible I got scratched by one of the many bushes in the yard. It doesn't matter how it came to be, the reality is that I am not cheating. She is convinced and I can't do anything.

I spend every moment of my time working or taking care of her house that I moved into, or her two other kids. I literally do everything. I do all the laundry, the dishes, I cook, get the kids from school, take them to their sports, make them shower, and get them to bed. I can't do anymore. I have done everything perfectly, and I still end up in the same spot being accused of being a monster.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi St6123,

Welcome to BPDFamily. I'm sorry for all that you have been going through, but I am glad that you found this wonderful community full of people who have gone through what you are going through. They have helped me a great deal. You have laid a lot out here in a short post, so let me go through things one step at a time.

• How much do you know about BPD?
• Is your girlfriend diagnosed or do you suspect it because of observed behavior?
• You say that she has possibly cheated on you with a guy (they were at least talking and she was trying to cover it up) and that she is 5 months pregnant. Does this possible affair line up with the timing of the pregnancy?
• One of the defense mechanisms that pwBPD use is projection. They project their feelings onto others. Do you think that the accusations of cheating could be her projecting these feelings onto you because of her own behavior?

I was once in a similar situation to you. Not with the worries about my dBPDw talking to guys, but dealing with accusations of me cheating and being on the receiving end of all kinds of nasty abuse, including controlling behavior like the monitoring of my electronics, the frequency of my calls/texts, how long it took me to respond to her, and needing to know my location at all times. I am also a teacher and my wife was pregnant 3 years ago (the pregnancy hormones really set off her BPD symptoms.) We can talk about boundaries and things you can do from your side to make things better once you respond. However, if she has access to who is calling you and other such things I am guessing that you have pretty weak boundaries like I did (my boundaries were pretty much non-existent.) There are two main components to bettering your situation: boundaries to protect yourself and validation to help make her feel heard and seen.

Once again welcome and I look forward to hearing more about the specifics of your situation so that I and others here can better tailor our advice to help.

HurtAndTired

[St6123]

She is undiagnosed and non-medicated, but she saw a therapist in the past that told her that she had BPD. She refuses to believe it and instead just thinks that people are out to get her or not meeting her expectations. She pushes everybody out of her life one way or another with accusations of cheating, going behind her back, etc. The other guy situation did in fac tline up to the pregnancy but we got a paternity test and it is mine. She was mad that I asked for a paternity test too.
So I have tried to establish boundaries, but I feel i have already given her so many things that any boundary to her is taken as an admission of guilt. When we first got together, I was more than happy to put her mind at ease. It seemed such a small thing to let her see who I was texting, where I was, and all of that. For a long time it was just here and there and it didn't bother me at all. After some time though it escalated. She wanted me to call ex girlfriends and read her script to see how they respond. She wanted me to get to the bottom of things that she suspected that I had no idea where were coming from.
One of the biggest things that I have noticed is that I have so much anxiety the moment she brings something up because she will want ot see my phone and it doesnt matter that there is nothing there, she will find something to go on about.
I drive Uber on the side as a means to make some extra money before the baby arrives. I drive every weekend because she is sleeping and i can make good money. She is sure I cheated on her this past friday night. I have shown her my travel log from Uber of pick ups and drop offs and instead of seeing that I had steady business that night, she grills me on what I was doing for an 11 minute period between rides. It blows my mind.
I am at a point where I am calling crises numbers to have someone to help me because I have no where to turn too.

She will tell me one thing and then be mad that I do it a day later. I have done so much to understand the condition. I have taken arguing out of it. I acknowledge her feelings and tell her I understand, but that is not the truth. It doesn't matter to her. Her truth is her truth and she will never shed that. I read all of this stuff for how to handle someone with BPD, but at some point I feel like all im doing is fighting a fire that is consuming me and she is enjoying the heat. I like what you said about projection. The reality at this point is that I love her dearly and if it could be the good person I know all the time I would be very happy, but the response she has over something as small as a small scratch on my back is going to destroy me.

[HurtAndTired]

Thank you for the reply with additional details.

The first thing that I would recommend you do is to read the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad. It will tell you how to successfully lay down the boundaries that you need in your life. People will tell you that boundaries are for you and your protection (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), which is true, but I have also found that strong boundaries have been key to my dBPDw starting to recognize that she has a serious problem that she can no longer deny. This book, and following the advice contained within, literally changed my life.

Like you I used to caretake my wife. I thought that if I just let her read my texts she would be appeased. It didn't work, and in fact, her behavior escalated. Over the 12 years we have been together I have snapped selfies of myself at church (with a monk and priest in the background) to prove I wasn't having an affair while Vespers/Confession was scheduled at my local Orthodox church. I voluntarily installed an app on my phone that allowed her to track my location via GPS. I voluntarily gave up friends because she didn't like me doing things where I could be around other women when she was working. Even then, it was never enough.

She started to get retroactive jealousy. She would agonize over relationships that I had 20 years ago and ask for graphic details about sex with exes. I was a filthy man-whore for having had the audacity to have had relationships before I met her (she is my second marriage and we met when I was in my mid-30s.) Her jealousy spiraled out of control...and then she hit me.

The first time I gravely told her that if she ever struck me again it was over. Within a year, she hit me again and I did not leave. The physical abuse got more frequent and severe. All the while, I was trying to appease her. If only I did do this or that, perhaps she wouldn't get mad and fly into a rage. The more I caved to her demands, the more of myself I lost. I barely recognized the person I had become...and then our son was born. My wife went on antidepressants for the first year after he was born due to post-partum depression and the rages disappeared.

Then, shortly after he turned 1, she quit taking her meds. Within six months she had started to rage again. I realized that our son was observing her abusing me and that it would permanently damage him if I didn't stop it. I made up my mind to end the abuse last August and laid down my boundaries. She physically attacked me not long after and I called the police on her for the first time. Since then she hasn't dared to so much as push me. It has been a hard slog, but I have taken my life back. I am no longer afraid of her and she no longer tells me what to do. Most importantly, I no longer worry about our son having to watch Dad get abused.

First, you must lay down your boundaries and establish safety and sanity in your home. You say that there are two other children already in your home in addition to the baby on the way, which makes it doubly important to make the home safe and sane. This is for your safety and for the safety of the kids, who should never have to witness abuse. Once you have made your home safe and sane, then you can start working on validation for your girlfriend. For me, this focus was secondary as my safety and the safety of our son was my primary concern.

The two things are not mutually exclusive and you can start validating your girlfriend using techniques like SET(Support, Empathy, Truth) to defuse situations before they become too heated and result in a split or rage. However, since children are involved I recommend boundaries be the first thing you concentrate your efforts on. One word of warning though, read of all the way through the "Stop Caretaking" book first.

Once a boundary is put into place, you must enforce it 100% of the time or you will end up making things worse. Your girlfriend will not like the boundaries and will push back on them...hard (this is called an extinction burst, and it is meant to get you to fall back in line.) The worst thing you can do when she does this is to cave and go back on your boundaries. This will lead her to believe that if she pushes hard enough or long enough, you will eventually cave and her problematic behavior will become more extreme and more persistent the next time you try to put up a boundary. This is called intermittent reinforcement and it is the strongest form of reinforcement that there is. It is how they keep people addicted to slot machines.

You say that you have anxiety over this and, boy, can I relate. I already had Generalized Anxiety Disorder before I met my wife, but now have full-blown Panic Disorder (and probably Complex-PTSD.) If you are not in therapy now, get in therapy right away. You need to get help for yourself before you can help anyone else. Self-care is not selfish. Do your research and find a therapist who specializes in BPD and/or Cluster B personality disorders so they will understand what you are going through.

You will make it through this and your life will get better, but making changes are going to be hard. You can't control what goes on with your girlfriend, but you can control your 50% of the relationship and make huge changes to it if you put in the time and effort. You got this! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there is any other way that I, or anyone else here, can help and we would be glad to do so.

HurtAndTired

[HurtAndTired]

Hi St6123,

I wanted to add that I have gone back and read your previous posts to get more background on what has been going on in your relationship. The incidents you describe are clearly verbal and emotional abuse. The fact that she has no problem verbally abusing you in public is very worrying. My wife started with verbal and emotional/mental abuse and escalated into physical, spiritual, and even sexual abuse. However, she has never let herself lose control and abuse me in public where there could be witnesses. I can see that she is dysregulated while we are in public and she gives me not-so-subtle cues that let me know that she is really going to let me have it as soon as we are out of the public eye, but waits until we are home alone to do so. The fact that your girlfriend has no inhibitions about laying into you in a restaurant in front of strangers is scary.

Abuse, left unchecked, escalates. You are being abused. As a man, it is hard to come to terms with that. I struggled with it mightily. I was worried that other people would see me as weak. That they wouldn't believe me, or that they would dismiss my concerns as being overblown. Worse, I was worried that the police would arrest ME if I called them when she was being physically abusive. You will find no such attitudes here. Many of us here are men who have survived abusive relationships and know exactly what you are going through. You need to acknowledge to yourself that you are a victim of abuse, that you don't deserve to be treated this way, and that your girlfriend's mental illness, gender, and pregnancy in no way, shape, or form excuses her abusive behavior toward you.

The good news is that at a year and a half into the relationship, her abuse of you has not yet escalated as far as the abuse I suffered did. You still have time to turn things around before the abuse escalates to the next level. I am still angry at myself for my part in my abuse but I am trying to give myself some grace on that. My part was that I allowed the abuse to escalate and did not do more to stop it. My caretaking behavior actually contributed to the toxic dynamic in my marriage. By not having boundaries, I, in essence, gave my wife permission to escalate. None of this was a conscious decision on my part, mind you, but I have to own my part of the relationship dynamic.

Each person in a relationship is responsible for 50% of what goes on. You did not cause your girlfriend's BPD, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Appeasement/caretaking doesn't work. If it did, none of us would be here on BPDFamily. While you cannot do anything about your girlfriend's BPD, you can change your half of the equation. You 100% control what you will tolerate. If she is being abusive, you don't have to take it. There are all kinds of techniques you can learn on this site and from members to help defuse bad situations, but sometimes you just have to leave the situation until it is safe to return.

Because pwBPD fear abandonment, it is important that you let your girlfriend know you will return if you have to leave, but you don't have to stick around and get yelled at. You can say something like "I do not allow people to yell at me and call me names. I am going to (the store, the movies, etc.) and will be back in (____.)" And then you leave. You might also want to find a room in your home with a door that locks that can be your safe space. That will allow you to leave without leaving the home. For me, that is very important because I don't want to leave my S2 alone with my wife when she is dysregulated. During the day, I can take him with me when I leave, but at night or nap time this is not usually a possibility.

My heart goes out to you. I feel your pain. I feel your fear, your despair, and your frustration. Sometimes you just need to vent. This is a safe place to do so. I have cried while posting on here more times than I care to count as I vented, but I have also cried in gratitude at the incredibly sincere, caring, thoughtful, and empathetic replies to my posts. The people here truly care, and they want to help. Please keep on posting. Reply to our replies. Tell us more and allow us to help. If your girlfriend currently has access to your electronics, post from a computer while you are at work. Stay safe and check in frequently. We want to hear from you and know how you are doing.

HurtAndTired

[St6123]

Went ahead and tried to set some boundaries. She has flipped the script and now she just doesn't think she can be with someone who thinks of her the way I apparently do. THis si the 4th time in 2 months she has said this so hopefully its just more of the same. It is emotionally exhausting . She has started with a scrath on my back, taken that to cheating, when that ran out it became she didnt like how i responded to her questions. (more of an interrogation to me). and now she has settled on her deserving someone who can make her happy all the time. IDK what to do anymore. I believe if she weren't pregnant I would have already succumbed to this situation and walked away. It seems like im not gonna get a say in that matter anyhow. We have a cruise planned leaving friday and she has said she isn't going. Not the first time she has tried to cancel a vacation right before we leave so we will see. She has told me she doesn't want me in the house anymore and im tepmpted to just say okay and pack and leave.

[dtkm]

My uBPDh has said all of the same things...tan lines (from when we went on vacation together) were apparently from me going to the pool with the 100s of apparent boyfriends that I have instead of going to work, bruises were from the apparent crazy sex that I was having with these 100s of apparent boyfriends, I could go on and on with the list that I have been accused of.  None of this is easy, but for me, the best thing has been to say to myself that this is his issue, not mine and know that that is true...and then go busy myself with something that I either need to do or I enjoy doing.  For me it is usually cleaning, playing a game with the kids or jumping on the trampoline with the kids, something that changes my focus off of him and my frustration.  I have learned that the second I allow myself to say a single word back during those times, all hell breaks loose!  He followed me for the first time or so that I did this, but since has left me alone, coming back a little while later to see if I will take the bait.  If I don't all eases a lot quicker than if I do take the bait...plus, the kids feel so much better if I don't.  As for vacations, I either leave the vacation planning up to him, with it all being in his name, so he will have to deal with it if he backs out at the last second or I plan a vacation that I am fine to go on just the kids and I.  I make it known that I want him to come, but plan it so that we will have fun no matter what is last minute decision is. 

[HurtAndTired]

She may well be saying this just to get a response out of you begging her to stay. My wife used to drop divorce threats on me all the time to get that type of response until I called her bluff (I am NOT advising that you do that.) I finally had gotten to the point where I said "If you want to get a divorce then you need to contact an attorney and file papers. I do not want a divorce, but if you file papers I will get an attorney of my own. We will then communicate only through our attorneys, but I will not speak with you any further about divorce going forward." That was the end of it.

WARNING - I only attempted this after I had extensively practiced setting and maintaining boundaries, using validation techniques, doing extensive research and reading on BPD (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, etc.), spending lots of time on the boards here at BPDFamily, and going to months of therapy for myself. If you are just starting out on your journey to reclaim your life, take it slow and do a lot of research before you start doing anything drastic.

What boundaries did you set? How did she violate them? Are you familiar with the concept of an extinction burst?

HurtAndTired