Struggling to cope with partner and protect 7 month old

[john456]

I’ve being in a relationship with my partner since 2021, we had a lot of up and downs. I love her very much but her treatment of me is sending to despair.
She regularly physically and emotionally abuses me, takes to bed for 2 weeks while I’ve to manage work and the baby.

She is triggered by any hint of a lie, something as basic as if she asked me to order something, I’ve said I’ve ordered it but I’ve actually forgot to avoid an argument.
She will proceed to smack me around the head and then go on dating apps in front of me. When I confront her about her inappropriate anger, she can lash out. I might not sleep properly for a couple of days with the stress.

I knew was like this but I remained and had a baby, she even abused on my  dad’s Funeral as she was annoyed about a friend I had.
I’ve remained to protect my child as I feel completely responsible.
I’m in total despair, any advice ?

[Kayteelouwho]

hello  and welcome,

I am sorry to hear your feeling so low.

it sounds like a very trying time for you, Violence towards you isn't acceptable, have you thought on leaving with the child ?

or getting your partner into therapy?

there is many tips on the lessons here and tips and tools pages are really helpful to gain insight, with dealing with bpd and how to cope with some of the symptoms of what comes along with it.

there is also some very good book recommendations to help I can't remember which section they are on.

yes, sometimes pwbpd who haven't been treated will be quite turbulent with family or friends as it can trigger a fear of abandonment,

has she managed better before or after baby?

it might be worth making a noyes and writing it down to see if there is a pattern for when things are worse.

I am also sorry for the loss of your father,

just remember, noone is completely responsible for another grown up the only person is your child and your self is the main people to care for.

love your self and give your self a break things are tough at times.

most of us on here have all had similar experiences or situations.

try to find something that brings you peace so you can clear your mind a bit or look into therapy for your self to help how you feel in the mix of everything, or talk to family or friends.

take care

[ChooseHappiness]

She will proceed to smack me around the head and then go on dating apps in front of me. When I confront her about her inappropriate anger, she can lash out.

Physical violence is always unacceptable -- and a sign that this person is capable of anything. If I were you, I'd start recording things when you are in the same room with her. Use your phone voice recorder or use your computer to video record if it's in the background. Someone this unstable may call the police and accuse you of violence, so it would be good to be able to prove you weren't violent and that she is the violent one.

Is it possible to get her into counselling or to seek medical advice?

[livednlearned]

john456, it's a good sign you're reaching out for support. It means you have gas in your tank to turn things around. And it's a sign you know you deserve better than how she's treating you.

There's no guarantee that a BPD relationship will stand the test of time although it's worth trying to make it less worse for your own safety. The reality for many of us is that we have to try and better the relationship while being prepared for it to end. With a child involved that means being informed about how custody works where you live.

What do you think of ChooseHappiness's suggestion to document what's happening? You'll probably want to check laws in your state to see if it's a one-party or two-party consent. Documenting can include keeping a log, or it can be calls to a DV center or telling a trusted friend, if you are lucky enough to have someone like that in your life.

It's a good idea for several reasons. One is so you can get a more or less objective sense of whether things are getting worse over time. It's very easy to get turned around in these relationships, not knowing what is real and what is BPD.

The other reason is that she does not sound capable of safely parenting your infant. It's not uncommon for our families to end up with third-party professionals involved, whether it's child protective services or any of the crew that gets involved once legal action is invoked. It's best to have documentation since our circumstances can end up in a "he said, she said" scenario, which often defaults to 50/50 for fathers, if not worse, especially given the age of your baby.

Your partner may be experiencing stress well beyond what she is wired to cope with - parenting an infant is difficult even in the best of circumstances. There are communication and relationship skills that can create a more validating environment-- at a minimum it can help reduce prevent things from getting worse even if these skills can't overcome all of her issues.

It's concerning that she is physically abusing you. Do you have a  safety plan in place? 

Unfortunately, if she gets away with a little bit of physical abuse, she will probably escalate over time. Especially if she senses your boundary changing. It's much easier (and safer) to put those boundaries in place early. In my experience, people with BPD have almost a preternatural sense for where the boundaries are in any given relationship. 

[ForeverDad]

I agree that once a relationship has had physical abuse, even if it seems somewhat minimal, it can easily escalate.  An observation I read here long ago and have since repeated... If it has been threatened - or even only contemplated - then it will happen, given enough time.

I recorded some conflict in my home.  No smart phones or computers with video back then, so I had three digital voice recorders.  It was useful for CPS or evaluators even if it didn't rise to the level of being actionable but court usually says it doesn't have time for dealing with lesser conflict.

I remember the first time I called the police.  They spoke to us separately.  I thought she must have been convincing (my lawyer said women always get default preference, so easy to pose as "victims", and the police solution to defusing things is often simply to separate the parties) because I was asked to hand over our quietly sobbing preschooler to her and "step away".  However, he was clinging to me and shrieked when I tried to comply.  So I did not get carted off.

I would not be overly concerned about one-party vs two-party state laws.  In all the years I've been here (not all the boards, mainly this separating/divorcing/parenting board) there have been only a handful of cases mentioned here that resulted in the court ordering recording to stop, and that was only in respect to recording the minor children or private areas.  Yes, it might be a legal technicality but it primarily seems written to apply to professionals.

[ForeverDad]

Another thought... the first impulse is often to presume the best solution is "to stay for the kids".  Actually, the reasonably normal parent needs to ascertain whether that's feasible or preferable.  If the dysfunction and discord are substantive, then it may be much better to end the troubled adult relationship and provide the children a separate stable, calm and mentally healthy home for at least a part of their childhood.  Not easy, of course, but a practical option to consider.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.