Dealing with bpd mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Really just need help on the best way to deal with this situation.
My mother is mostly overly loving, love bombing, lots of messages, but then paradoxically very self absorbed at the same time. Always pushing boundaries etc. And then ends up bombarding me with lots of texts that are shaming, blaming and guilt induced if I don't do what she wants, when she wants it etc.
Most of our communication is via text and I usually try to ignore most of the hurtful messages and then resume usually contact when things calm down. But even though I know I am choosing to have a relationship with my mother, it feels unfair to allow her to treat me a certain way and not really address it, because she doesn't see it and it would just end up escalating. Can you ever really have a discussion with accountability ? If I say when you do this, it hurts me or please don't do that. But I know I can't change who she is and she will probably just feel I'm attacking her and start threatening suicide. She isn't in any treatment or officially diagnosed, and feels everyone else is the problem. I want her to have a relationship with her grandson but it seems very surface level and superficial when I am around her as I can nev3r let my guard down. Is it always going to be like this?

[PurpleRain24]

Really just need help on the best way to deal with this situation.
My mother is mostly overly loving, love bombing, lots of messages, but then paradoxically very self absorbed at the same time. Always pushing boundaries etc. And then ends up bombarding me with lots of texts that are shaming, blaming and guilt induced if I don't do what she wants, when she wants it etc.
Most of our communication is via text and I usually try to ignore most of the hurtful messages and then resume usually contact when things calm down. But even though I know I am choosing to have a relationship with my mother, it feels unfair to allow her to treat me a certain way and not really address it, because she doesn't see it and it would just end up escalating. Can you ever really have a discussion with accountability ? If I say when you do this, it hurts me or please don't do that. But I know I can't change who she is and she will probably just feel I'm attacking her and start threatening suicide. She isn't in any treatment or officially diagnosed, and feels everyone else is the problem. I want her to have a relationship with her grandson but it seems very surface level and superficial when I am around her as I can nev3r let my guard down. Is it always going to be like this?

[livinnlearnin]

Hi PurpleRain24,
Your post really resonates with me and my relationship to my uBPD mom. I’m wondering many of the same things, and will be following this thread to see other more experienced members’ responses.

I’m sorry I can’t really add any helpful suggestion, but I hear you and empathize with your situation fully.

On Mother’s Day (predictably), I had a big fight with my mom that left me feeling extremely angry and bitter. She called the next day to “see how I was” , but, as always, there was zero acknowledgement of her role in the misunderstanding or apology for her irrationally explosive behavior.
From what I’m gathering here at the forum, BPDs are shockingly oblivious to how their behavior affects others, perhaps especially loved ones. If anything, people seemingly on the margins of their relationship spheres seem to get way more attention and thought (disproportionately so), whereas those “closest” to them must completely put aside their own feelings and needs to accomodate BPD’s every whim, childlike temper tantrums and attention-seeking outbursts.

Put simply, it sucks and is extremely emotionally draining. It literally takes me days to recover. It all hurts so much, especially when you realize it’s coming from your OWN MOTHER.
Best of luck with everything, I wish you well 

[PurpleRain24]

Hi Livinnlearnin,

Thank you for your reply, I'm sorry your going through this and can definitely relate also. It's so heart breaking, even though I should be used to it by now, it still really gets to me when it happens. As that young part of me is still wishing she could be the mum I want and need. Very difficult trying to have a boundaried relationship and not fall back into the same pattern.
Hope you are able to find some answers to.
Sending hugs and strength