Best app for co-parenting with BPD ex?

[ChooseHappiness]

I'm in the process of getting divorced from my ex wBPD after 25 years of marriage and the communication is not going well. We're still living in the same home for a while longer with the kids, but I've basically had to go no contact in person and online. Every time we cross paths it's a new mental/emotional attack, and every day is a fresh email or text attack. I've told her I'm no longer responding to those -- or even reading them at this point -- and that anything important should go through the lawyers. Nevertheless, the attacks keep coming.

I would very much like to go full no contact, but it's impossible because of the children (14 and 9). However, I don't want to keep communicating through texts and emails. So I'm considering a dedicated app for child-related issues. I've seen Our Family Wizard mentioned a few times, and I'm wondering how people find that. Any other recommendations for apps or tips to communicate with a BPD ex?

[ForeverDad]

I believe Our Family Wizard (OFW) can be found with an internet search but works best when those communications are available to be monitored by family/domestic court, a parenting coordinator if available, a Guardian ad Litem (GAL - lawyer for the kids), etc.  If you do it without official support and direction, your ex may not cooperate with that solution.  And communicating everything child related through the lawyers can get quite expensive without accomplishing much.

I didn't use OFW or similar.  In fact my ex blocked my email just as we were separating.  It remained blocked for many years, for all I know it may still be blocked since she claimed not to know how to unblock me - and our son aged out of the court system four years ago when he became an adult.  She preferred phone calls... the better to continue ranting and raging.  Recently she's been using text.

We have quite a few Tools and Skills Workshops articles on that other board.  There are various approaches and strategies described there.  JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work well with high emotions, so browse for BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, etc.

[ChooseHappiness]

We have quite a few Tools and Skills Workshops articles on that other board.  There are various approaches and strategies described there.  JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work well with high emotions, so browse for BIFF, SET, DEARMAN, etc.

Thanks! I've been using BIFF ever since a therapist and a friend of mine of helped me understand she was BPD. But I've had to move to no contact as much as possible because if I engage at all with her she quickly uses that conversation to attack me. And once I've engaged her with her, she'll return to that subject over and over for weeks, using it to attack me and hopefully draw me into engaging with her again. There is absolutely no way to effectively communicate with her at this point. I've had my lawyer contact her lawyer to complain of the harassment and abuse, to no avail. I've asked her to leave me alone when she's being verbally abusive, so she just switches to email and text abuse on a daily basis.

I've heard of JADE before, although SET and DEARMAN are new to me. Because of her volatile and hostile nature, though, all of them are not an option at this point.

I'm hoping to propose through the lawyers that we switch to an app for child-related items to cut down on emails and texts as much as possible. I don't know that she'll respect it any more or even go along with it, but if the request comes through the lawyers she may have to consider it. And I'm continuing to establish a record of her hostility and my attempts to negotiate past the conflict rather than make it worse.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, be the parent proposing solutions.  While court may assume it'sboth spouses causing the friction, eventually court will take note they you're the one proposing solutions, not obstructing and sabotaging.

Sadly, court doesn't care how nice or fair you try to be.  So don't short yourself legally or parenting-wise with hopes of impressing the court. Just make sure you're not nasty nor the least bit threatening.  Always behave decently, have your kids' interests at heart, and -eventually- court may notice.

[EyesUp]

My divorce decree states that the parties will "use OFW or similar, and communicate anything in regard to the kids via email or text."

In my experience, OFW was very good for tracking expenses, and the tone monitor was occasionally helpful.  It lasted about a year until my uBPDxw decided that OFW was a surveillance tool used by manipulative ex husbands to control their ex wives.  Her false victim mindset was on full display, but nonetheless, the language of the decree was soft on this point and the reality was that she simply didn't want to pay.  OFW has an annual subscription cost, and services like the tone monitor are an extra upcharge. 

So, OFW went away and we've defaulted to email and text.  I set a shared google calendar to track parenting time, holidays, extra curriculars, doctor appointments, etc. - which she refuses to use (no different than when we were married, surprise surprise).  And expense reconciliation is a manual process vs. the automatic tracking with OFW...

In my view, OFW is well worth it if everyone is on board. 

In my case, even if I offered to pay for both parties (not a great precedent, but...) I'd still have to deal with poor compliance / weak participation / passive avoidance - because everyone knows OFW is just another tool that abusive men use to control women! /sarcasm.

One way you might navigate this is to add it to stipulations now, and then incorporate it in your final decree with clear language that eliminates wiggle room.  e.g., "the parties agree to utilize OFW.  each party will be responsible for their individual costs to use OFW.  OFW will be used for all communications re: kids, schedule, school, extra curriculars, vacations, holidays, exceptions, expenses - and any other child related matters.  OFW will be used for expense tracking and reconciliation, and child-related calendar"

Good luck!   

[ChooseHappiness]

In my experience, OFW was very good for tracking expenses, and the tone monitor was occasionally helpful.  It lasted about a year until my uBPDxw decided that OFW was a surveillance tool used by manipulative ex husbands to control their ex wives.  Her false victim mindset was on full display, but nonetheless, the language of the decree was soft on this point and the reality was that she simply didn't want to pay.  OFW has an annual subscription cost, and services like the tone monitor are an extra upcharge.    

Thanks for the insights! My uBPDx is very invested in performing the role of victim, so I could see something similar happening in our case.

OFW does seem like a decent tool, but it does seem it's likely of limited use if both parties don't buy into it. I like your suggestion of adding it into the divorce decree, though, so that it is required. I'll talk to my lawyer about that.

[EyesUp]

I like your suggestion of adding it into the divorce decree, though, so that it is required. I'll talk to my lawyer about that.

The key is to propose solutions.  When she rejects solutions, have alternate solutions ready.  In this case, if she rejects OFW, then the agreement should be clear on what tools will be used for calendar, expenses, and general communications.

The upside is, when she inevitably wants to talk, you get to say "please put it in writing..."

And if you cannot amicably come to some agreement and need to go before the judge, your atty is in a good spot to say "my client has proposed a, b, c... " and then your stbx needs to explain why OFW isn't acceptable...