Breaking through a stonewall deadlock

[HimalayanMouse]

Hi,

My husband is not diagnosed with bpd, but recently reading in to it, it feels suddenly like things make sense, and reading advice on these forums has been eye opening for me. I am making a list of strategies to try.

He has always had anger issues, which he admits to, but has always been resentful of any suggestion of therapy. He is from a conservative culture with a lot of stigma attached to mental health needs.

He has always had outbursts, and blocks and stonewalls people. He holds on to a lot of resentment. He has difficulty maintaining long term friendships, he will have one friend constantly by his side then all of a sudden they are out. He pushes away most of his family.

He has always had angry, silent periods with me, but it feels they are getting more severe, occurring more frequently, lasting for longer (months at a time), and triggered by smaller things. His previous outburst was because I asked a question about finances. He then didn't speak to me for 2 months, and only started again as I was nearly deported from the country where we live because he wasn't supporting my visa application.

It often takes a huge event like that to pull him out. He was ignoring his mother until she ended up in icu with (stress induced) high blood pressure.

He also has alcohol issues, he was sober for nearly a year until this latest outburst, but has started drinking again. He made himself dangerously ill with drinking previously. I understand the frustration that he feels he quit and nothing in his life improved, so he may as well drink. But he is not dealing with or facing the reasons why he drinks.

His most recent outburst started a month ago. There was no obvious preceeding trigger, certainly no fight or angry words. He has had a medical issue that has been chronic and causing him discomfort, and I think he blames me for it, or feels I am not supportive enough. I have done what I can, but it is not in my power to cure it.
So, he suddenly became angry, he won't let me stay or sleep in the same room as him. He said he needs space, and has shouted this at me while holding a hand in my face. I have not got angry, though I did ask him to stop slamming doors which caused him to get more angry and swear at me, which he doesn't usually do.
I have sent him a message to say I am ready to talk when he is. I say hello, and occasionally ask small questions, which he either ignores or gives a painful one word response to.
He is drinking again, coming home around 2pm, and then leaving in the morning without speaking. I don't know whether to continue to respect his need for space, or whether to force a showdown which will be explosive. He has never been violent to me, but the anger in his eyes scares me, as much for him as me. He has high blood pressure, and his face is puffy and unhealthy.

We live with his elderly mother who he is also ignoring, and she is devastated too. He talks briefly to out (10 year old) daughter when he actually sees her. But she is smart and emotionally intelligent, and this affects her too.

He just doesn't seem able to climb down or even to verbalise why he is angry. In the past he has told me that he feels no one cares about him. The whole household tiptoes around him, and I am now learning that this isn't helpful. I have a gentle and timid nature, and hate conflict. This is making me so sad, and I want to help him, but I just can't get through the wall.

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HimalayanMouse]

I have been reading through a lot of the posts on here, and some past ones, and am gathering together things that seem helpful. Many of them seem mostly helpful in the angry explosion mode. For instance, I have written down:
-Do not accept blame when it is undue, and try to state this.
-Be non-reactive, respond without pleading, apologising or anger (that's a hard one!).
-Validate his feelings not his words, and if this is not heard enforce a boundary.
-Let him explode to your boundaries (this one has always scared me the most, that he will pull the nuclear plug and throw me out).
This is all really helpful, and I am learning a lot.

However, in the angry silence of a stonewall I am still unsure what to do. I have also written down:
-Let him manage his own feelings, politely disengage.
-Don't ride his rollercoaster (I like this a lot, but it is very hard to disentangle your own feelings).

Does this seem like a good interpretation of what I am reading? Is there anything else I can or shouldn't do? It's been over a month of silence, and I get awful waves of despondency.

I am learning to unpick my own issues. My own mother-in-law calls me a doormat. From childhood emotional abuse I have learnt to think that my own feelings are not valid, and that my distress is less value than other people's. Even now, my brother, who is a counsellor, gets competitive in telling me that his attachment disorder is worse than mine, that he is more messed up. That's not a fun competition to win.
I am terrified of opening up, and have never spoken of any of this to people in real life. Writing out a post here was an act of real vulnerability. For the last few hours I have sat her processing feelings of shame and anxiety. Though no one owes me a response in the slightest, having none does feed into my fear that I am posting out of turn, and I shouldn't have asked for help.

I'm working through seeing the line between the way I am and what I am experiencing, but this is hard as my instinct is always to blame myself and assume it was me, which makes strategies outlined above challenging. I have tried counselling a couple of times before, but been unlucky in that it has been very superficial. A worksheet on boundaries, does not help me work through why trying to enforce them makes me feel like I am going to vomit. I'm not currently in a financial position to try again right now.

I've dumped a lot out here, and getting away from my original question. Either way, any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you.

[kells76]

Hello HimalayanMouse and

As you're finding, this is a great place to "get it out on paper" in a nonjudgmental, supportive, understanding atmosphere. So many members here have walked in your shoes; you're not alone in trying to figure out how to have a relationship under the most difficult circumstances.

One thought comes to mind about this question:

However, in the angry silence of a stonewall I am still unsure what to do. I have also written down:
-Let him manage his own feelings, politely disengage.
-Don't ride his rollercoaster (I like this a lot, but it is very hard to disentangle your own feelings).

Does this seem like a good interpretation of what I am reading? Is there anything else I can or shouldn't do? It's been over a month of silence, and I get awful waves of despondency.

You picked up some solid approaches to the silent treatment: decline to manage whatever he's feeling (allow him the opportunity to manage it himself), and decline to hop on his roller coaster, wherever it's at on the track. That's good stuff; both are choices under your control.

An additional possibility to consider is that silent treatment is him doing his best to manage his out of control emotions. He may be low-skilled, so where another person might be able to articulate "This isn't your fault; I just feel so overwhelmed that I'm going to take a break for 24 hours, and I'll check back in with you then", he can't do that. He's operating at the upper limit of his skills (impaired due to BPD) and that looks like him stonewalling/doing silent treatment.

What if you reframed those times less as "he's punishing me" or "I must have done something wrong" or "how do I get through to him", and more as:

"What a relief! I get a break and he gets a break!"
"He's taking time for himself; I get to do that, too."
"How can I take care of myself while he's apart for the moment?"
"What would I like to do for myself in this time?"
"This is a signal for us to take space for ourselves; we'll come back together later"

Maybe it can take the pressure off of you trying to "fix" the silent treatment, if you "retrain" yourself away from "I have to fix it" and towards "yay, I get a mini-break"? (perhaps not that enthusiastic, but you get the idea  )

Any of that sound do-able?

Really glad you're here and felt ready to open up, too -- not always easy.

[HimalayanMouse]

Hi,

Thank you so much for that thoughtful response. The reframing is something extremely useful and a lot for me to think over.

I completely agree that his silence is at heart him being at capacity and a coping strategy. I very much think that he actually feels he is protecting me from his rage by going silent.
The length of time it tends to go on for makes this harder, in the earlier days of our marriage (its been 15 years), he would go silent for a few days, but lately its been months at a time. And sometimes there are just basic things that need to be discussed, I guess I need to find a way to communicate these while demonstrating I won't go any further at the time being.
I would like to be allowed back into my own bed, but I think my presence would aggravate him more at present.

Managing his mother is another story, she lives with us, and puts a lot of pressure on me to call him, interact with him etc. She is desperate for me to end this, and she calls me a doormat and him a 'proud type', she does not understand the nature of his needs. It can be hard to deflect that pressure, but when he thinks I am doing things under her direction it makes him extremely upset. There is obviously a deep wound there in relation to her.

There is a double irony here, I am a speech therapist by profession and often deal with selective mutism, and was also selective mute myself as a child as a trauma response. So, what you are saying should not really come as a surprise to me, yet often we need the outside perspective to join the dots. But yes, I remember well that the anxiety would overwhelm me so much that the words would literally disappear from my head, it was never that I was just being stubborn or difficult. When I work with children now I work to make them relaxed and secure and put no pressure on for them to speak unless they are ready, while also always providing the opportunity to talk.

I'm trying to think through now how to give him that space, and stop trying to 'fix' him, but while leaving the door open to communication. I had sent him a message saying I was ready to talk when he is.
I also sent another message a few days back saying that I love and support him and that hasn't changed, I can see he is frustrated and overwhelmed. He did then make brief eye contact with me the next day and ask me where our daughter was, which was positive. I think for now I will continue to let him be. I'm going away for a month in July, back to my family (pre-arranged nothing to do with the current situation, we live abroad from them). This will give him a fuller space, though I would like to communicate before then, I will see.

Thank you for giving me this space, it can feel like so much thought and energy goes into considering his emotional needs, that there is none left for mine. I don't really know where to begin on looking after myself. I am just counting the days to my holiday right now.

[HimalayanMouse]

I just wanted to update:

I have been trying really hard to follow through on strategies, and this morning I was devastated when my husband saw me coming out of the bathroom, and then started slamming things again at the sight of me. I spent the day in waves of overwhelming sadness.

But then, he messaged me to say that it wasn't my fault, that he is struggling with anxiety and stressed at work. I messaged back to say that I love and support him whatever, and if he is ready for help then I will help him get it.
He hasn't responded to that, and I know I need to still give him a lot of space to work this through as it won't help to send him spiralling again.

But, this is a huge, huge first in our marriage. He has never openly admitted to any mental health struggles before. It is not a quick solution, and just one step on a long road, but I cried tears of relief at just the possibility of improvement or acknowledgement. I know I need to tread lightly and lovingly.

But, thank you, being able to read and discuss here has helped me implement better strategies than previously, and I hope more to keep me going, as there will be plenty more hurdles.