I've picked out a lawyer so it's time to plan my escape

[Gerda]

Like I said I would, as soon as finals were over I started really working on this stuff.

I talked to three lawyers last week, and I think I know which one I want. My therapist recommended two, and I was able to get an appointment with one of them, but didn't hear back from the other one. I also talked to two other ones, but I think the one she recommended will be the one I will go with.

The first one I talked to seemed nice but inexperienced. We talked for about an hour and she asked me a lot of personal questions about my relationship and was like, "What is the deal with this guy? Does he have anger management issues or something?" She also said something about how 85% of divorces are settled in mediation, which I think made her sound unrealistically optimistic. I got the feeling like she might underestimate how crazy my husband might get during the process.

The second lawyer seemed unsympathetic to my situation. He seemed to think it sounded nuts that I wanted to move out right away. He said that would be a "jerk move" on my part, and would make me look bad to the judge in a custody battle. Then he suggested that if I can't stand to keep living with my husband, that I go stay with my mom, who lives hundreds of miles away, instead.

The third lawyer was the one my therapist recommended. I actually talked to some kind of assistant at the law firm who handles the consultations, not the lawyer herself, but she seemed to take my concerns about abuse and abuse allegations seriously. When I described some of the threats my husband has made, threats that he's going get full custody of my daughter and I'll never see her again etc., she shook her head and rolled her eyes, but in a way like she's already heard all these types of threats before in other cases. She said they're even dealing with a case right now where, "this guy, he just barks and barks."

I also like that she asked me about pets, without me asking her first. She said some people might think it's silly, but she knows pets are very important too.

I asked her if I can move out right away, or if I have to stay living with him, and she said after what I told her she thinks I should move out right away, and I should take my daughter and my cats with me. She said my daughter needs to "be in [my] possession," when he finds out I'm divorcing him. And she told me if he calls the cops while she's "in my possession" they probably won't do anything.

She also gave me a list of documents and evidence and so on that I should gather before I make my escape, and told me I need to do stuff like finding an apartment, moving any property, etc. before I file for divorce, because once I file, everything gets "frozen" until the temp orders go through.

So now that I've basically been told it's OK for me to leave, next I have to figure out how exactly to do it.

[yellowbutterfly]

I can’t reply much tonight but know you are supported here. I’m thinking of you and glad to hear you found a lawyer who’s taking your situation seriously.

[ForeverDad]

She also said something about how 85% of divorces are settled in mediation, which I think made her sound unrealistically optimistic. I got the feeling like she might underestimate how crazy my husband might get during the process.

William Eddy (mediator, lawyer, author and lecturer) states that 10-15% of divorce cases involve Personality Disordered spouses.  And most of us here found that mediation typically fails in our cases because the problem parent is too entitled and controlling to genuinely negotiate so early in the process.  No wonder that she stated "85% of divorces are settled in mediation"... that 85% is the portion not seriously disordered.

When I described some of the threats my husband has made, threats that he's going get full custody of my daughter and I'll never see her again etc., she shook her head and rolled her eyes...

I asked her if I can move out right away, or if I have to stay living with him, and she said after what I told her she thinks I should move out right away, and I should take my daughter and my cats with me. She said my daughter needs to "be in [my] possession," when he finds out I'm divorcing him. And she told me if he calls the cops while she's "in my possession" they probably won't do anything.

That's what I discovered.  When there were no court orders my police limited themselves to defusing incidents (by separating the spouses) and not who had the child.  My police consistently told me to "fix it in court".  They did not force a child transfer.

I would suggest that you seek some way, perhaps in a preemptive protection order or residency order that states your preschooler resides with you in the meantime.  Any visitation can be by phone, video chat or supervised by a trained professional until the court has its initial hearing where it listens (warning: probably quite briefly) to each side and a temp order is made.

Remember, forget your inclination to "be fair".  Court doesn't care about fairness or niceness.  While it doesn't want either side to be blocking just to block, as long as you're not nasty or aggravating the situation, you can stick to what's best for both you and your young preschooler.

[Gerda]

William Eddy (mediator, lawyer, author and lecturer) states that 10-15% of divorce cases involve Personality Disordered spouses.  And most of us here found that mediation typically fails in our cases because the problem parent is too entitled and controlling to genuinely negotiate so early in the process.  No wonder that she stated "85% of divorces are settled in mediation"... that 85% is the portion not seriously disordered.

That makes sense, but I also see it as a red flag for that first lawyer. She said it like she was reassuring me that since 85% of cases are settled in mediation, mine probably will too.

The third lawyer, who is the one I'll probably go with, seemed to realize it probably won't, given what I'd described. She even said that, given what I've described, I'm going to have to pay a higher retainer upfront, unfortunately. But at least it seemed like they'd be prepared for a high-conflict divorce and it sounded like they'd handled similar cases before.

That's probably why my therapist recommended them. She used them when she divorced her ex who she thinks had Narccisistic Personality Disorder.

In my state, they're required to at least try mediation, though. Who knows? Maybe my husband will realize that it will save him a lot of money to do it that way instead of going to trial.

[ForeverDad]

Most states require mediation attempts soon after the initial temp order is in place.  I emphasize attempts.  Most mediations in our intractable cases do fail - mine did after one session - and that's okay.  Why?  Because if mediation succeeded then we likely Gifted Away far too much, either financially or parenting-wise.

Remember, success in mediation does not depend on us, it depends on reasonable negotiation and at the start of a divorce most pwBPD are far too entitled and controlling.  However, since courts are reluctant to make too many decisions and let cases meander on and on, a surprising number of our cases to reach some sort of settlement typically just before a major hearing or trial.

[zachira]

I have had the experience of having to hire a lawyer to deal with my disordered family members though a divorce was not involved. I hired the wrong lawyer two times, and the third time I hired a lawyer who settled a very difficult case for me to win with an end result entirely in my favor. I found the best lawyer by having friends recommend lawyers in different areas of practice and these lawyers then recommended lawyers to me. I went through a long chain of talking to highly respected lawyers to get the one I needed. I found that online reviews were not helpful as good lawyers carefully protect their online reputations. What do you want in a lawyer? What kind of questions do you think are important to ask a lawyer you are considering to hire? Do not sell yourself short or jump too quickly in finding the right lawyer for your divorce.