Are my boundaries helping or not?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Looking on some feedback on boundary issues with my 39 y o undiagnosed BPD daughter.
Short history – my daughter grew up happy and healthy, successful in school, lots of friends, but a bit of a handful in her early teens, which I thought was normal at the time. I was a single mom of 2, but she had regular interaction with her father, which she seemed to enjoy. She went on to university, got a Master’s degree with my support and entered the work force. Largely successful, getting increasingly good jobs. But she moved around a lot, and never lasted long in romantic relationships. I remember overhearing phone conversations with her colleagues, where she was angry and berating them for their work, which I thought was pretty unusual at the time – I was surprised they put up with it. Her relationship with me was (took me awhile to realize) a bit tenuous – I think now I walked on eggshells a lot to avoid confrontations. She had moved 3000 miles away from her home town, so we were in touch digitally, and sometimes travelled together and visited. She estranged from her father and brother during this period. 
Fast forward to 2020 – she lost her job early in the year due to the pandemic, just after buying a house on her own with a big mortgage. She tried valiantly to get an income stream going, but I’m sure it was super stressful time for her. Later in the year, she phoned and told me that as a result of therapy and use of psychedelic drugs, she now remembered all kinds of physical and sexual abuse growing up – crazy and awful things -she said I’d whipped her every day, tried to burn her down in a garden shed, hired rapists, etc. That followed a 2 year period of total estrangement – she would not respond to any of my attempts to reach out to her. At the time, I followed advice I had received to let her be, and not turn up on her doorstep unannounced.
She got in touch a year ago and sounded terrible. I thought she might be on drugs, but I think now was maybe having a psychotic episode. I was so worried about her I called the mental health crisis team in her community who told me they thought she had stress-induced psychosis. They said anything I could do to reduce stress might help. I offered her some financial assistance as she had no income and seemed unable to get work due to her difficult behaviour.  This was probably a mistake in retrospect, but I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I gave her a monthly amount on a credit card and also paid all sorts of overdue bills – mortgage payments, utilities, vet bills, and even replaced her car when a baillif towed it away for non payment – all in an attempt to reduce stress.
During all of this, she has been incredibly abusive to me – regular emails, texts and phone calls that include swearing, name calling and obscenities. I was (maybe misguided) trying to show I was there for her no matter what and would not abandon her.
I’ve been rethinking my approach this year, as it seems to have been completely unsuccessful in helping her, plus I just can’t afford this, being retired and on a pension! Over the last year, I  dipped into my savings and given her more than I make in a year (call me crazy!). Her father is not in the picture, and she has alienated all others who might offer help.
Earlier this year, I told her I was going to take a different approach and had some boundaries I was going to put into effect.  I said that if she wanted further financial support from me, there were going to be conditions – polite and respectful communications, that she develop a financial plan and budget (I have offered to pay a financial advisor to assist her with this), attend regular therapy sessions (also offered to assist) and also apply for whatever financial assistance she might qualify for (I provided links she could use for this). She absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her. She blocks friends and relatives who try to suggest she get help and regularly accuses me of being the one who needs it. She refuses to apply for any kind of government assistance, as it is beneath her.
She is now going completely ballistic on the basis of my boundaries. This weekend, she sent a string of 20 rage emails using every obscene name and insult for me that she can think of. After warning this would result in blocking, I have now blocked her for 30 days. I have not responded to her rage emails.
I am still somewhat conflicted on this, which probably only people in this community might understand.  I feel like her thinking is so clearly disordered, that I wonder if I should be handling this differently? While she is brilliant and has been very capable in the past, she now seems truly mentally ill, and I worry she won’t be able to figure this out. She has never been suicidal, but it is always a worry at the back of my mind. She is very isolated (lives alone),but keeps in touch with some friends and family (although she has alienated so many). I’m not totally privy to her finances – I don’t think she’ll run out of food, and I think she may have to run up a credit card without my assistance – in other words I don’t think she’ll be in any danger without it.
Looking for information/experience/reassurance about this. I am hoping that if I stick to my guns about boundaries, that this will be a positive influence on her – that she will maybe eventually realize she needs help and look for it. I might be delusional myself about that!  Thank you if you have read this far - any suggestions or advice appreciated!

[SendingKindness]

Looking on some feedback on boundary issues with my 39 y o undiagnosed BPD daughter.
Short history – my daughter grew up happy and healthy, successful in school, lots of friends, but a bit of a handful in her early teens, which I thought was normal at the time. I was a single mom of 2, but she had regular interaction with her father, which she seemed to enjoy. She went on to university, got a Master’s degree with my support and entered the work force. Largely successful, getting increasingly good jobs. But she moved around a lot, and never lasted long in romantic relationships. I remember overhearing phone conversations with her colleagues, where she was angry and berating them for their work, which I thought was pretty unusual at the time – I was surprised they put up with it. Her relationship with me was (took me awhile to realize) a bit tenuous – I think now I walked on eggshells a lot to avoid confrontations. She had moved 3000 miles away from her home town, so we were in touch digitally, and sometimes travelled together and visited. She estranged from her father and brother during this period. 
Fast forward to 2020 – she lost her job early in the year due to the pandemic, just after buying a house on her own with a big mortgage. She tried valiantly to get an income stream going, but I’m sure it was super stressful time for her. Later in the year, she phoned and told me that as a result of therapy and use of psychedelic drugs, she now remembered all kinds of physical and sexual abuse growing up – crazy and awful things -she said I’d whipped her every day, tried to burn her down in a garden shed, hired rapists, etc. That followed a 2 year period of total estrangement – she would not respond to any of my attempts to reach out to her. At the time, I followed advice I had received to let her be, and not turn up on her doorstep unannounced.
She got in touch a year ago and sounded terrible. I thought she might be on drugs, but I think now was maybe having a psychotic episode. I was so worried about her I called the mental health crisis team in her community who told me they thought she had stress-induced psychosis. They said anything I could do to reduce stress might help. I offered her some financial assistance as she had no income and seemed unable to get work due to her difficult behaviour.  This was probably a mistake in retrospect, but I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I gave her a monthly amount on a credit card and also paid all sorts of overdue bills – mortgage payments, utilities, vet bills, and even replaced her car when a baillif towed it away for non payment – all in an attempt to reduce stress.
During all of this, she has been incredibly abusive to me – regular emails, texts and phone calls that include swearing, name calling and obscenities. I was (maybe misguided) trying to show I was there for her no matter what and would not abandon her.
I’ve been rethinking my approach this year, as it seems to have been completely unsuccessful in helping her, plus I just can’t afford this, being retired and on a pension! Over the last year, I  dipped into my savings and given her more than I make in a year (call me crazy!). Her father is not in the picture, and she has alienated all others who might offer help.
Earlier this year, I told her I was going to take a different approach and had some boundaries I was going to put into effect.  I said that if she wanted further financial support from me, there were going to be conditions – polite and respectful communications, that she develop a financial plan and budget (I have offered to pay a financial advisor to assist her with this), attend regular therapy sessions (also offered to assist) and also apply for whatever financial assistance she might qualify for (I provided links she could use for this). She absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her. She blocks friends and relatives who try to suggest she get help and regularly accuses me of being the one who needs it. She refuses to apply for any kind of government assistance, as it is beneath her.
She is now going completely ballistic on the basis of my boundaries. This weekend, she sent a string of 20 rage emails using every obscene name and insult for me that she can think of. After warning this would result in blocking, I have now blocked her for 30 days. I have not responded to her rage emails.
I am still somewhat conflicted on this, which probably only people in this community might understand.  I feel like her thinking is so clearly disordered, that I wonder if I should be handling this differently? While she is brilliant and has been very capable in the past, she now seems truly mentally ill, and I worry she won’t be able to figure this out. She has never been suicidal, but it is always a worry at the back of my mind. She is very isolated (lives alone),but keeps in touch with some friends and family (although she has alienated so many). I’m not totally privy to her finances – I don’t think she’ll run out of food, and I think she may have to run up a credit card without my assistance – in other words I don’t think she’ll be in any danger without it.
Looking for information/experience/reassurance about this. I am hoping that if I stick to my guns about boundaries, that this will be a positive influence on her – that she will maybe eventually realize she needs help and look for it. I might be delusional myself about that!  Thank you if you have read this far - any suggestions or advice appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sendingkindness
Thank you for posting. I have been thinking over many of the things you raise. BT400 has also been posting about setting boundaries and I have been interested in his posts. I am so grateful for people posting here because it helps me know there are others in the world experiencing similar situations and trying to sort out what to do.

All the things you describe and that I experience are covered under the diagnostic criteria for BPD, so it is not a surprise that money issues, anger, tirades and not coping with 'no' are what we have to deal with.

First of all I think everyone's situation is individual - yes the criteria are there but not all bpd folk have all the criteria. There needs to be 5 for a diagnosis. Then there is the individual person. My dd is low functioning - so different from yours - and so my journey with her is different in many respects.

What I am struggling with at the moment is money - similar to your situation. I have come to a point where verbal abuse is not so much an issue for me - most of the time! I know dd has little control and I am her target of blame. I also know she doesn't like herself after the explosions.

But the money situation is worrying for me. My dd does have a pension income but is always asking for money. She lives with me and does very little. When someone wants her to come and see them etc off she goes. I am sure they know when she has money and in this way they exploit her in my opinion.

I used to pay her debts - but I stopped this many years ago. I wish I had done it earlier because once I stopped bailing her out she got bad credit and therefore was not able to keep on getting credit cards or purchasing lots of stuff on credit. So that was a very helpful thing for me!

Last year I told her not to ask me for money and it worked for a while, then slipped back. DD has a couple of court cases coming up and she has been housebound so under a lot of pressure so I was planning on waiting till after these things and then tightening up on the money. But she is getting more desperate for friends and that means being the one to supply them with alcohol, cigarettes etc.

I know some people do believe that if you put up the boundaries it will help the person to see that they need help etc. I think however that it depends on the individual and the parent knows their child best. In my case my dd can't even make a phone call to make a doctor appt and when I do make one she usually backs out through intense anxiety. Lots of boundaries that would be suitable for one person would not work for my dd - just back her into a corner with nowhere to go.

I am not sure from what you say whether your dd does have some source of income - other then you that is? Also in relation to money (I know you are setting boundaries around other things) have you presented dd with a planned withdrawal of funds from you or have you just stopped?

As I say I am struggling with this at the moment so appreciate others' posts very much!

[SendingKindness]

Thanks so much @Sancho! As you say,it’s helpful to know others are wrestling with these issues. At  this point, I haven’t completely cut off my financial support, but almost.

My daughter is not working, but received some funds last November in a legal settlement-I’m not sure how much, but I know something came through for her.I think over $100K.  After that she was spending a lot of money - more than I was providing. She took a month long trip to Mexico and had other related expenditures. I don’t have the whole picture, but that’s part of the reason I decided to tighten up. I asked her to provide more information about her assets and needs before I provided more to her - i have been foregoing things like vacations in order to help her, so it was a bit of an eye-opener when she took an expensive holiday! I think (again, I don’t know) that she has now burned through the funds she got in the settlement, which is why I’ve suggested she get a financial plan in place before I provide more. She is almost 40 and also owns her own home, which is far larger and more expensive than she needs (3 storey heritage house with a swimming pool and high maintenance costs), so another reason I have been asking for a financial plan before I provide more funds. She seems to feel I owe her a lot, and makes up stories about childhood abuse as a way of trying to get it, I think.I feel she has lots of options ( eg selling her house, applying for financial assistance) before coming to me, which I am now thinking should be a last resort. She is very resistant about these other approaches, likely because I’ve been the easiest way to get funds in the last year.

[kells76]

Hi SendingKindness;

Sancho raises a really good point here:

I know some people do believe that if you put up the boundaries it will help the person to see that they need help etc. I think however that it depends on the individual and the parent knows their child best. In my case my dd can't even make a phone call to make a doctor appt and when I do make one she usually backs out through intense anxiety. Lots of boundaries that would be suitable for one person would not work for my dd - just back her into a corner with nowhere to go.

It can be a common misconception that us setting boundaries is to make the other person change.

I'd suggest that boundaries are actually rules for ourselves, to protect ourselves; not rules for other people, to get them to change. That can be a hard thing to wrap our heads around, when BPD is involved -- we really, really, really cannot control how the other person thinks, feels, acts, believes, etc.

It is certainly possible that when we uphold our own boundaries, others may change their behaviors (kind of like if you change your dance steps, your partner may too) -- but it's not a guarantee, and it isn't the purpose of boundaries. It might be a nice outcome, though!

...

I wonder if an alternative way to approach this could be:

My daughter is not working, but received some funds last November in a legal settlement-I’m not sure how much, but I know something came through for her.I think over $100K.  After that she was spending a lot of money - more than I was providing. She took a month long trip to Mexico and had other related expenditures. I don’t have the whole picture, but that’s part of the reason I decided to tighten up. I asked her to provide more information about her assets and needs before I provided more to her - i have been foregoing things like vacations in order to help her, so it was a bit of an eye-opener when she took an expensive holiday! I think (again, I don’t know) that she has now burned through the funds she got in the settlement, which is why I’ve suggested she get a financial plan in place before I provide more. She is almost 40 and also owns her own home, which is far larger and more expensive than she needs (3 storey heritage house with a swimming pool and high maintenance costs), so another reason I have been asking for a financial plan before I provide more funds. She seems to feel I owe her a lot, and makes up stories about childhood abuse as a way of trying to get it, I think.I feel she has lots of options ( eg selling her house, applying for financial assistance) before coming to me, which I am now thinking should be a last resort. She is very resistant about these other approaches, likely because I’ve been the easiest way to get funds in the last year.

Do you really need her to provide more information before you decide to protect yourself and your finances?

What if you were free to taper off funding... no matter what info she did or didn't provide? Your decision to protect yourself doesn't have to be contingent on "if she really needs the money" or not -- it can be based on you and what you need.

That might also get you out of the trap of -- if she comes back with "documentation" of how needy she is, how desperate she is, how "this is the last time she hopes she'll have to ask", "she just needs one more bit of support", etc, then would you feel like you had to? And how often might that repeat?

It wouldn't have to be a judgmental, blame-y, "you had your chance and blew it", "you didn't provide enough documentation", sort of communication. Maybe it could be about you and your needs:

"Hi Honey,

My budget is changing, so I wanted to give you a heads up that I'm able to give you $300 in June, $200 in July, $100 in August, and then I won't be able to provide financial assistance for you after that.

Love you,

Mom"

Curious if any of that sparks some thoughts or ideas?

[Sancho]

Thanks for the response SendingKindness
It's interesting that our dd's are so different in many ways, but similar in BPD symptoms: impulsive spending; high expectation that her needs will be met; anger and abuse when we draw a line.

The daughter of a friend of mine went through more than $160 000 in less than a year! She received an insurance payment and spent it travelling etc. She paid for friends to accompany her - and in this sense it's similar to my dd ie using money to hold friendships etc.

I agree with Kells76 especially re boundaries that you create being necessary for your personal wellbeing - because we can't be sure that a boundary will have the effect of making the BPD person turn around and make the necessary changes. In fact I came across this notion of a 'boundary' on this site and it made huge sense to me.
opo
It certainly sounds as though your dd has resources that she could reorganise to help her financial situation - the house is certainly an example. The problem is that BPD folk are often unable to  work through things rationally - they operate through emotion and impulse. I am sure if my dd were to sell a house she would spend all the proceeds before purchasing another home - which is the reason I am leaving her a life interest in an apartment (she can live in it, rent it but not sell it)

Your dd is high functioning and you have set out a pathway forward. Keep in touch to let us know how the way forward goes. In the meantime my dd is holed up in her room, not talking to me and I am just hoping we can get to her scheduled appointments!

Ah the stress of it all!

[Ourworld]

Hello SendingKindness,

You can do this! You know that the mean words she says are not really what she means. When I was able to contact my daughter after the 11 years of her cutting me off I emailed her, it was not a gushy one about me not understanding why she left me and how much I missed her. I simply told her facts I felt she needed to know.

When she blasted me in an email (telling me that everything that has happened in her life was my fault), I was actually pleasantly surprised that she bothered to even write me back. That was how I knew that Her words were not what mattered, but what she was really doing (even though she probably didn’t realize) was reaching out to me.
As I thought about it later it opened the wound of her cutting me off, but was necessary for my own healing. I often feel like crying, I am often in the Word and I listen to Contemporary Christian music throughout my days (YouTube on the tv) and these things along with prayer bring me great comfort.

The disorder changes the messages they hear and what they say, focus on the emotions coming from the person.
And of course you know to not even try until they are calm. Another idea would be to take baby steps in setting boundaries, only seek to agree on one thing at a time and record this in a personal notebook (For your eyes only-do not say anything about this to her), it will help you keep track of what she will hopefully honor as agreed.

Since my daughter does not talk to me, she is also high-functioning and has her master degree, plus she has genius IQ. I know that she can make it on her own, which gives me comfort and, thankfully she has not asked me for money since she refuses to talk to me, so that may be a consideration.

I’m not going to lie, as you have experienced before, it is heart-breaking and I don’t know how I would do with handling this if I did not know God. But it does allow to focus on your own plans and desires.

OurWorld

[SendingKindness]

Thanks everyone for all the understanding and suggestions. I really appreciate it. Especially the reminder that boundaries are for me and not her.
At this point, there is not much new to report. Her abusive emails from last weekend, in addition to blaming me for everything that was wrong, and accusing me of many things I never did, also said she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, she hated me, she wished I was dead, and she wanted me to get out of her life, if there were going to be conditions on financial support. It gets very transactional and she seems to only want money from me.I know she doesn’t necessarily mean all of this, and I try not to take it personally, but I reach my limit at times in terms of the abuse I can take.  I haven’t responded to any of these and am just letting her be at this point, and trying not to worry about her too much. It seems best to let her be the one to initiate contact. Thanks again for all the understanding! 

[CC43]

Kindness,

I wish you strength as your daughter tests your boundaries. I think your boundaries are fair and reasonable, as they are in your daughter’s best interest. It sounds to me that her accusations are projections of her feelings about herself, not you. It’s probably the right move to not respond to her tirade, given that she’s crossing your boundary about respectful communications, and she needs time to cool off. Indeed the entitled attitude about your money feels transactional—I’ve often felt that when my stepdaughter was still in the phase of blaming everyone else, and she was just using her dad’s financial support to continue the status quo. When your daughter gets desperate, she’ll probably reach out again, and that’s when you have to really be strong about your boundaries. It’s the only way she’ll learn.  Sadly, she’s stubborn and she might sink further before learning she needs to change.

[SendingKindness]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support. As an update to my stating my boundaries, I have now I received the following email from my daughter, which just seems so delusional, entitled and outrageous.

"So far you have attempted to manipulate me with money in different ways - the way you are first offering then withdrawing financial support during a crisis is abusive and disgusting and I can not tolerate correspondences from you. 

If you would like to speak to me again, ever you will need to do the following:

i) reactivate the credit card with $2k/month on it so I have something I can rely on while I continually recover from being stalked by a group of lawyers and cocaine addicts in (her home community – this is a recurring paranoia)
ii) provide a zoom meeting with the lawyer managing your estate and the full copy of the will and/or other document controls satisfactory to both your lawyer and myself that detail my inheritance
iii) show proof that you have established a $500K trust fund in my name

I am unclear why you would say there are no resources to establish a trust account for me - notably given your older brother retired at the age of 42 as an investment banker in the oil & gas sector and your uncle was the founder of the largest bible school.  We haven't gotten to the part about you being a retired politician with central administration as key objective – (I am not a retired politician, don't have resources to establish a trust fund for her and I don’t know what my brother and uncle have to do with this!)

The more you continue this narcissistic abuse the worse it continues to look on you. If this continues I will be filing for a restraining order against you. Do not show up at my property or in my environment EVER AGAIN.

When I see progress on i) i.e. the credit card is activated then I am amenable to a 30 minute zoom therapy meeting a week with you. I otherwise can not tolerate your tone of voice and am disgusted at your behaviour. "

I find this communication initially really triggered me for so many reasons that I expect others will recognize. It didn't help that she began by addressing me by my first name (rather than mom) which really rankles me! So far I have held off responding so that I am not doing so in anger and to see if I can respond from a place of compassion and kindness.  Her email is so out of character from the way she used to be, I think she must be feeling so scared about her life/financial situation to be writing to me like this, hoping or imagining that I have vast financial resources to help her, and trying to establish some kind of control over her situation by threatening to go out of contact with me if I don't provide funds. She knows I love her and would like to repair our relationship, so I guess this is the one thing she feels she can use as leverage. But she just seems to want to use me as a human ATM. Nothing else seems to matter to her, and I don't want that role.

One thing I am particularly interested in though, is her suggestion that she would attend therapy with me. I have been suggesting this for some time, (also that she get therapy) and she has always refused - now she seems to be offering it, but only IF I will provide financial support. This is the first time that she has even suggested she would engage in this possibility! It doesn't feel right to be 'buying' her participation in therapy, but should I consider this kind of exchange, in hopes that there could be big benefits?

I guess another option for me is to not respond to this at all. Any advice or suggestions from anyone about this? Even if I just write to say I won't be discussing financial support further, or not in this way, how can I phrase that kindly and compassionately, and keep the door open to some degree, given her obvious stress? Thanks again for anything you would like to offer - I am so confused as to what is best to do here!

[CC43]

Kindness,

You are right, she’s delusional, entitled and outrageous right now. Hold your boundary of respectful communications. She’s showing you that she’s dysregulated right now and not ready to listen or change. If you give her more money, you’re enabling the status quo and only showing her how outrageous, entitled behavior gets her what she wants. I don’t think she’s ready for any productive conversation yet, because all she wants is money, for now and the future (inheritance).

I think you don’t respond. I know it’s heartbreaking. But you know a few things. She’s alive. She’s angry. She thinks she’s angry with you, but she’s really projecting her feelings about herself onto you. She’s still playing the blame game, and she’s not ready to change. She knows you’re around and want to help her.  Try not to take her tirade and demands personally. Think of it as an adult tantrum and metaphorically walk out of the room so she has the time she needs to calm down. She obviously can’t think straight when she’s having a tantrum.

My diagnosed stepdaughter would act in similar ways, and her dad would typically give into her outrageous demands, out of love and concern. For a time I thought she was an emotional terrorist in our home. Professionals say you don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Maybe there’s a glimmer of hope as she raised the idea of therapy. But she thinks the therapy should be for you so that you give her money. So she’s not ready to change yet. I don’t think therapy will work until she has the right mindset.

[SendingKindness]

Thanks for your response CC43. I think you have a lot of incredible insight and I appreciate you responding to me. So far, I have not responded. You are right it is difficult and heartbreaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Kindness,

I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you. One aspect of your daughter’s letter that caught my attention was paranoia around “cocaine addicts” and lawyers. That immediately made me think that she herself is abusing drugs, maybe cocaine, which could cause (or exacerbate) symptoms like paranoia, delusions and anger. And maybe there are “lawyers” after her, though I suspect she’s leaving out the reason why—that she might be stirring up trouble or breaking rules in her community. I witnessed a similar behavior with my stepdaughter, who became paranoid after initiating illicit drug use and encountered self-inflicted stress. She told many stories about her being persecuted/bullied, while leaving out her role in stirring up trouble. (I have no doubt that she was the bully.) I don’t mean to frighten you more, but that’s just one possible explanation. My stepdaughter had to hear it from doctors that drug use was likely causing her dysfunction, rather than helping her cope with it.

If my stepdaughter’s experience serves as a parallel, your daughter might soon turn to other family members for help. But when those avenues are exhausted, she’ll come back to you, because you are her one ally. I’m sure she knows that. If she finally comes around and sees the need to get help, she might even admit she never meant any of those terrible things she said and wrote to you. That was her illness and rage talking, not her. You’d think a grown and once successful professional woman would know better, but that’s BPD. I just hope she comes around sooner rather than later. But the timeline is up to her. I just happen to think that unconditional financial support only serves to lengthen the timeline while putting you yourself at risk. She’s going to need you for moral support, so you should be sure to take care of yourself mentally, physically and financially.

[SendingKindness]

Thanks @CC43 for more insight.
When she gets stressed, my daughter seems to be paranoid about various bad actors (the mob, Massad, the CIA, bankers, lawyers) who she feels are trying to kidnap/kill or do something else to her. I have tried to think why this is and it is hard to understand. She has herself taken legal action against a former business partner, and was successful in winning some funds as part of a mediation process - it was very traumatic for her and I think this may be why she now says lawyers are after her (projecting her use of lawyers to go after someone else, maybe?). I'm not sure about the cocaine dealer thing. She has falsely accused her father and brother of being 'violent international cocaine dealers' and often refers to 'cocaine dealers' as another group who are after her for some reason, which is difficult to understand. I don't think she is using cocaine, but I know she is using cannabis (which can exacerbate psychosis) and has tried mushrooms too. I have suggested to her that these can be making her feel worse, not better, without any success.

In terms of turning to other family members, I think she has pretty well used them all up now, and most no longer answer her calls or respond to her other messages. If she does talk to them and they suggest I'm not all bad, or that she should get mental health care, she gets angry and blocks them. She has gradually reached out to more and more distant relatives, who usually contact me, confused as to what is going on with her. You are right, I am really her only ally who continues to connect with her. I agree,  I really hope she will seek help sooner rather than later. It is so hard to watch the current situation!

[SendingKindness]

Thanks again for all the help and support in this group, from parents who are dealing with similar issues. I find the help here is so relevant, and really appreciate anyone who responds.

As an update, I decided to pull the string with my daughter where she suggested joint therapy, hoping that might offer a way forward. This is the email I sent after her last one:

Sweetie, I am sorry you are feeling that I am trying to manipulate you and abuse you in regards to finances.

There seem to be so many misunderstandings - on both our parts, about what we each expect.

I know (a friend who she had asked to act as an intermediary) has done has his best to help, but I think it is best if we communicate directly rather than through a third party. I only hear from him occasionally by text and I know he is busy with many other things. I don't think it is fair to ask him to try to keep being a liaison between us. It isn't surprising this has led to misunderstandings, through no fault of his. (this friend of hers has tried valiantly to help her communicate with me, but has also told me he can no longer act as an intermediary and is totally frustrated by my daughter's actions)

I do want to support you until you can get back on your feet, but I believe this is important enough that we need to have a much more thorough and detailed discussion about it, than can happen through brief text messages with a third party.

My support is only because I am your mom, I love and believe in you and want you to thrive again as I know you can! My motivation to help you is not helped by threats and abusive language - if anything, that hurts and makes me want to stop communicating. I hope you can understand that and I expect you feel the same way.

Because this is difficult for both of us, I like your idea of including a therapist to help.

If you would like to identify one or two qualified therapists who you would feel comfortable with, that seems like it would be a good place to start. I hope we can agree on one and that they would be willing to do this work with us. I am willing to pay a reasonable therapist's fee for a period of time to help us make this happen.

I hope you will take that step and that it will be the new beginning for both of us in communicating openly and compassionately with each other.

Please let me know if you would like to start there.

I love you,

mom

Her response today: 'you are a disgusting woman please leave me alone'

I am feeling so defeated by this. My friends and family think I should just withdraw and let her go. But when I read her emails, I see such a hurt person, who is striking back and who is panicked and needs help. I know her financial circumstances are precarious. At this point, I seem to be the only one who sees this, and the only one in her life who is offering support of any kind.

Is there anything in my message to her that I should have phrased differently? Should I take a different approach?

She would like me to provide her with at least $2000 unlimited funds a month, with no restriction on their use. I can maybe afford this with a lot of sacrifices, but feel she should first have more discussion about a budget and a financial plan that leads back to her financial independence. I don't believe in providing endless financial support as it seems to just enable her dysfunctional behaviour.  I've offered to pay her financial advisor to develop a financial recovery plan. My thinking is that any financial support from me would be contingent on her following that plan. Plus it seems all she really wants to talk to me about is money - no other kind of relationship. Thinking as compassionately about her as someone who is very ill, what would you do? Thanks for anyone who wants to weigh in!

[CC43]

Kindness,

I think your message was really good. Alas, your daughter was nasty in her reply and isn’t ready for respectful communications, and she’s not ready to move forward. Yet.

I would give her time and space, but no money. I wouldn’t “block” her (I confess I don’t even know how to do that). I think she’ll approach you again when she needs something, and the lines of communication stay open. You try again, holding fast to your boundaries. If a birthday or holiday comes up before then, maybe you could send a simple Happy Birthday, I’m thinking of you text and see what happens.

I know it’s impossible not to be worried sick about her. I also suspect that cannabis or drug use is feeding her dysfunction (that happened with my stepdaughter). But she is stuck in her rut of the status quo right now, and if you give her money while she mistreats you, she will remain stuck in the rut, while your resources are depleted. She needs to hit a bottom and decide to want to change. I think you’ll know it when you see it. I’m sorry you and she have to suffer in the meantime.

[Notwendy]

I have read your daughter's responses to you and they are disrespectful and demanding. Although it's understandable that you are concerned about her well being, responding to them by sending money is enabling and reinforcing her behavior with you.

If she is 39, she is an adult, and is either capable of working or applying for disability assistance if she is unable to work. You, on the other hand, are looking at retirement and need to conserve your resources for your own needs. Clearly, your D isn't concerned about the impact of taking money you need for your own well being from you, so you need to be concerned for yourself.

While my situation is different, it's an example of not having boundaries on spending. My father accommodated my BPD mother's spending. He earned a decent income but this created financial problems.

When my father passed away, he left her with significant assets and she has spent them recklessly. Although family members (who have no interest in her money for themselves) have attempted to reason with her, it has not been effective. Since she's considered "legally competent" and it's her money, she can do what she wants with it.

Of course, like you are concerned for your D, we are concerned for my mother's well being, but it's not reciprocal.

It's kind of you to have provided a financial advisor but your D would have needed to want this and cooperate and she hasn't done that. Talking, planning, reasoning- none of this works with my mother as we have tried. The only boundary that works with her is a zero in her bank account, as it's the bank's boundary.

I understand tough love is hard, but to continue to enable your D will continue this kind of disrepectful and entitled behavior on her part and also she won't learn financial limits if you do. She will learn that treating you this way is how she gets money. I hope for your own sake that you designate someone who does care for your well being as power of attorney to act on your behalf if needed because your D has shown she won't do that.

[SendingKindness]

Thanks, @Notwendy and @CC43. 

I am sticking with my boundaries at this point and I am sure that is what is leading to all the abuse. I have also registered for a course in establishing boundaries with mentally ill loved ones and another course specifically for dealing with loved ones with BPD. I'm sure I will learn some more skills soon.

At this point, I am not planning to respond to her.

Thanks very much for the advice so far!

[Ourworld]

I must say that as the single mother of a 38 year old daughter myself who has been successful in her career with undergraduate and graduate degrees.
She chose to marry a guy with mental illnesses from the military and they both emotionally abused each other for 13 years! She left him when he was in a state of psychosis although she had already left him in her mind the prior year.
When she left my brother helped her, and I assume my sister also assisted financially. She has since moved on herself, I do not know where she is living. Fortunately she has retained her job since it is done remotely.

Apparently she’s doing ok, this is what I was told. I told you about the email I sent and her reply simply telling me that I caused her to be attracted to someone else that was abusive since (she says) I was.

After 11 years of her cutting off any communication with me, this response, although negative comforted me in several ways:
1-I knew she cared to even respond
2-I knew she was ok-if nothing else she has wifi access
3-she was aware of the possibility of her needing to overcome her ‘abuse’

[Ourworld]

I’m not sure where the remainder of my note to you went, so I will try and recall what I wrote:
Basically, you are no longer responsible for your daughter; you did your best for her in giving her the education she needed for success!

Our children are really God’s that He has blessed us to raise and build a strong foundation, then He takes over and helps them in their lives.

He did that for you too, and you built a strong foundation for your child.
She is no longer a child, DO NOT continue to let her manipulate you into thinking you still need to provide for her needs.

Just as God feeds the flowers and wildlife and clothes them beautifully, He will also take care of this 39 year old daughter of His. He cares about her just as you, as her parent!

I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I hope that you understand what I’m saying and can trust God, pray for her daily (probably throughout your day), and live YOUR life, doing the things YOU want/need instead of paying and going to a therapist!

Hugs, OurWorld