BPD husband fighting for custody of infant child

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My soon-to-be ex-husband suspects he has BPD. He had had some rage outbursts before but, during my pregnancy and in the last two months, they escalated to the point that he blew up our marriage. His final episode centered around a delusional belief that my father (my daughter’s grandfather) had abused her. Without getting into details, this is categorically untrue (and not just that I don’t believe it, my ex’s version of events was, literally impossible to be true). It escalated to the point he threatened to break my father’s legs, was abusive to me and my elderly mother, and essentially took my daughter hostage for 12 hours, called the police on me and my father, and was eventually detained under a mental health hold. My daughter was returned to me, a CPS safety plan was put in place and we are now going through divorce proceedings.

Due to his fear of losing his daughter, he is now claiming that he is mentally fine. He is very smart and high functioning.i am terrified the court will believe his lies and he will be given unsupervised access to her (he currently only sees her supervised for a few hours a week).

I don’t know what I expect from this post but I guess I just want to know if anyone has experienced something similar and how it turned out.

Can I safely coparent with someone with untreated BPD. I want my daughter to have her father in her life but, given his behavior I do not feel safe around him and I don’t trust him around my daughter

I feel very alone

[Chambira]

My soon-to-be ex-husband suspects he has BPD. He had had some rage outbursts before but, during my pregnancy and in the last two months, they escalated to the point that he blew up our marriage. His final episode centered around a delusional belief that my father (my daughter’s grandfather) had abused her. Without getting into details, this is categorically untrue (and not just that I don’t believe it, my ex’s version of events was, literally impossible to be true). It escalated to the point he threatened to break my father’s legs, was abusive to me and my elderly mother, and essentially took my daughter hostage for 12 hours, called the police on me and my father, and was eventually detained under a mental health hold. My daughter was returned to me, a CPS safety plan was put in place and we are now going through divorce proceedings.

Due to his fear of losing his daughter, he is now claiming that he is mentally fine. He is very smart and high functioning.i am terrified the court will believe his lies and he will be given unsupervised access to her (he currently only sees her supervised for a few hours a week).

I don’t know what I expect from this post but I guess I just want to know if anyone has experienced something similar and how it turned out.

Can I safely coparent with someone with untreated BPD. I want my daughter to have her father in her life but, given his behavior I do not feel safe around him and I don’t trust him around my daughter

I feel very alone

[GaGrl]

In divorcing with these concerns, you might have several options. 1) Request a parenting/custody evaluation as part of the custody action. The person evaluating might require a mental health evaluation as part of the action. In any case, the involuntary mental health hold should be introduced.
2) You could request a GAL (guardian ad litem) to represent the infant's best interests. This could also end up with various levels of interviews and evaluations.

[ForeverDad]

There are probably multiple reasons why he is making these claims for the child.

He might be claiming sudden recovery and child abuse in an effort to try to make you look worse than himself.

He might even be trying to maneuver himself into a smaller child support obligation.  He might be disordered but even disordered people know the reality of money.  (Courts typically draw a line between child support amounts versus amount of parenting.  In other words, you can't bluntly say you would forgo child support if he just goes away.)

Likely too he may not be very inclined to parent but he just feels impelled to sabotage your parenting.  (What we've seen here sometimes is where the disordered parent seeks to look good to others and poses as a good involved parent but then once they get a nice order they eventually retreat to a lower level of parenting, a level comfortable for them.  You can't allow that much since it has been documented he can be dangerous.)

That you've had supportive agency intervention and his mental health hospitalizations send a tremendous message to the court.  Court is unlikely to reverse that or even relax his restrictions (supervised status) anytime soon.

That said, do not let your fears of an uncertain future divert you from seeking the best (or less bad) outcome for yourself and especially your child.  He will try to make this all about himself but your priority must stay on target - you and your child's welfare.

A professional or agency should be tasked with supervision.  They're trained for it.  He may complain about the expense and instead seek you, family or a friend to assume that responsibility but resist that.  That's on him.  You know the old wisdom... "Let your eyes not feel sorry" when he has to pay his consequences.

As mentioned already, you deserve an in depth evaluation and assessment.  A cursory Psych Eval is not enough, besides it doesn't account for how he might parent.  If you do seek a GAL or a Custody Evaluator, ensure they have a solid reputation with the court, not just anyone can handle these tough cases.

[Chambira]

Thank you both - this is really helpful advice. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

[livednlearned]

You must've been so scared those 12 hours. My ex had some kind of psychotic break when my (then) 11-year-old son was staying the night and it was the worst night of my life.

It may not seem like good news but the fact your ex ended up in a mental health hold and CPS got involved gives you a lot of documented evidence. I know it seems nerve-wracking when the BPD traits seem masked but documentation of severe psychiatric instability by third-party professionals can go a long way in your favor, especially given the age of your child. Your ex has proven he isn't safe so it isn't a he-said/she-said, it's a "he did this."

What is often more challenging is coming up with a stepped plan. Your ex might be evaluated for a psychiatric diagnosis, but that's not a reason to prevent contact. What I would do in your shoes is to propose a series of reasonable solutions like anger management classes, parenting classes, a forensic psychiatric evaluation (conducted by a licensed forensic psychiatrist trained to conduct an MMPI or similar), substance abuse treatment (if applicable) and supervised visitation until completion of the above or something else within reason.

Many pwBPD struggle to stick with a plan due to extreme emotional instability. Let him show that he is willing and able to do what is reasonable so that the responsibility is on him. Chances are that he will struggle to initiate.

After my ex had a psychotic break he was permitted 4 hours unsupervised visitation 2x a week. Not surprisingly, my ex would periodically cancel what little time he had, rarely if ever asking to make up that time. In the meantime, he kept trying to get more time through court motions. I got numb to the cage rattling behaviors because rarely was he able to stay organized long enough to pull anything off. The hard part is that it's your baby -- it's difficult to manage your nervous system when it's your child.

Make sure your attorney does not gift anything away without your ex being on the hook to show meaningful documentation that he is better. It should be on your terms, not what your ex and his lawyer says.

Also, this may not apply to you, but in my experience people like us who end up in these relationships aren't often great at recognizing what is "smart" and "high-functioning." I would've said the same about my ex. He was a former trial attorney and of all people should've known how to behave and what to do or not do. Instead, he sent emails, left voicemails, and texted proof that he was unfit to parent. He insulted his lawyer and the judge in court, and ended up representing himself, making it easier for the court to see his disordered behavior.

Our exes might be "high-functioning" to us but to many people their inability to make good choices and how they handle even moderate levels of stress is often non-sensical to people witnessing our divorces.