Being very nice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Since I told my wife I definitely want a divorce and she said she wouldn't go back to the couples therapist, she is being very happy and nice. It feels very uncomfortable as I don't believe it is sustainable. I guess this is cycling back to the start again she is being more like when I met her 17 years ago. I just want to get into mediation, the couples therapist warned me she is probably trying to stall, and even put off Divorce completely. Even though logically I know this behavior is to get what she wants, it makes me doubt myself slightly.... Recently she has told me I am a narcissist, financially abuse her, she never enjoyed having sex with me. Logically I can see clearly this is behavior put on to get a result she wants, but the feelings under the surface are getting dragged back in. I guess I just need to keep thinking with my head. This must be part of the cycle of abuse.

[CravingPeace]

Since I told my wife I definitely want a divorce and she said she wouldn't go back to the couples therapist, she is being very happy and nice. It feels very uncomfortable as I don't believe it is sustainable. I guess this is cycling back to the start again she is being more like when I met her 17 years ago. I just want to get into mediation, the couples therapist warned me she is probably trying to stall, and even put off Divorce completely. Even though logically I know this behavior is to get what she wants, it makes me doubt myself slightly.... Recently she has told me I am a narcissist, financially abuse her, she never enjoyed having sex with me. Logically I can see clearly this is behavior put on to get a result she wants, but the feelings under the surface are getting dragged back in. I guess I just need to keep thinking with my head. This must be part of the cycle of abuse.

[Gerda]

If you're a narcissist, financially abuse her, and she doesn't enjoy having sex with you, then you're doing her a favor by divorcing her, right?

She's just saying whatever to get you back.

I know it's hard.

A couple of nights ago my husband was screaming at me again about how much he hates me. But if he really hates me that much, why does he get so upset about the idea of me divorcing him? It doesn't make sense. You'd think he'd be happy to get rid of me.

Just try to remember that they don't make any sense.

[jaded7]

If you're a narcissist, financially abuse her, and she doesn't enjoy having sex with you, then you're doing her a favor by divorcing her, right?

She's just saying whatever to get you back.

I know it's hard.

A couple of nights ago my husband was screaming at me again about how much he hates me. But if he really hates me that much, why does he get so upset about the idea of me divorcing him? It doesn't make sense. You'd think he'd be happy to get rid of me.

Just try to remember that they don't make any sense.

We have to know ourselves, and trust our self appraisal. That's very hard to do in these relationships when we are being told how bad we are, in so many ways.

After my ex ditched me over Christmas with ghosting and evasion and just leaving town with no communication. After 2 weeks of no phone calls and ignoring my texts- and spending Christmas alone with the gift I bought her next to me- she called and I texted her "I'm not really up for talking with you tonight". She never responded, but sent an email 3 weeks later telling me how hurtful I am and how I'm not there for her and "now she needs to grieve what we had." After she never responded to my text.

I caved and called her and she proceeded to shred me, eviscerate me and dumped me. After I told her I loved her.

So....20 minutes before she grieved what we had, and now I'm the worst person in the world.

I think they need to offload guilt and shame, and of course it makes no sense. How can you love me and also think I'm this horrible person? I remember what you H said to you Gerda.

 

[CravingPeace]

Thanks both. She keeps telling my how disappointed she is, how she will work at it.  I should be fighting to save us etc, not give up, and how I have wasted her life, but she wants more than me. Makes me feel quite guilty. Maybe that's the intention. Then she found a lawyer with double the retainer of mine. But she said that is my fault as I didn't help her find an attorney. I tried to explain that would be crazy of me to find a lawyer for you that is going to fight against me.. She told me I had a "bad attitude again",  she didn't want a lawyer to fight against me but to work with me. I am baffled by the logic.

[ChooseHappiness]

I am baffled by the logic.

I've found there's often no logic at all. Instead, any communication/engagement is just used as another opportunity to project negative feelings onto you. So while we're looking for some attempt at rational communication and perhaps even resolution, the BPD person is just looking for an opening to generate or maintain conflict so they can engage in that projection.

I've come to see why no contact is such a popular approach.

[jaded7]

I've found there's often no logic at all. Instead, any communication/engagement is just used as another opportunity to project negative feelings onto you. So while we're looking for some attempt at rational communication and perhaps even resolution, the BPD person is just looking for an opening to generate or maintain conflict so they can engage in that projection.

I've come to see why no contact is such a popular approach.

I believe the lack of logic is part of the core problem. And I believe you are right, the BPD person is looking for -openings- in your logic or statements in order to shoot them down, and then get you defending against THAT while the original point gets lost.

It's the listening to respond versus listening to connect and understand.

[ForeverDad]

There is a huge disconnect that ultimately would put you at a vast disadvantage.

Your spouse is talking and behaving from a perspective of her own perceptions, cycling emotions and manipulative skills gained over the years.

You are approaching the conflict with reason and logic, convinced that being nice is a large part of the answer.

The reality is that we often end up playing defense rather than being proactive with our focus on the goals.  (Can you imagine any competitive team playing defense only and no offense?  That's not a winning strategy.)

While we of course do not want to be nasty, aggressive, disparaging, spiteful nor threatening, we do need to realize that "being nice" has its limits in these dysfunctional scenarios.  As though we're playing by the rules even while our spouse ignores and subverts them?  Can you substitute "being decent yet protecting yourself" for "playing nice"?