I just signed the lease on an apartment

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've read that elsewhere... that some pwBPD prefer fighting and anger to their default emotional feelings of weakness, powerlessness, and loneliness, or guilt about how they've pushed others away.

When they see you walk in smiling, it triggers their own negative feelings, so they lash out.  Then when you respond or get defensive, they've replaced those feelings of weakness with feelings of aggression and anger.  And that makes them feel more "in control" and so they double down on that strategy... completely oblivious to the fact that they're hurting someone that in theory they're supposed to love, and pushing them away.

[PeteWitsend]

I've read that elsewhere... that some pwBPD prefer fighting and anger to their default emotional feelings of weakness, powerlessness, and loneliness, or guilt about how they've pushed others away.

When they see you walk in smiling, it triggers their own negative feelings, so they lash out.  Then when you respond or get defensive, they've replaced those feelings of weakness with feelings of aggression and anger.  And that makes them feel more "in control" and so they double down on that strategy... completely oblivious to the fact that they're hurting someone that in theory they're supposed to love, and pushing them away.

[ChooseHappiness]

I've read that elsewhere... that some pwBPD prefer fighting and anger to their default emotional feelings of weakness, powerlessness, and loneliness, or guilt about how they've pushed others away.

When they see you walk in smiling, it triggers their own negative feelings, so they lash out.  Then when you respond or get defensive, they've replaced those feelings of weakness with feelings of aggression and anger.  And that makes them feel more "in control" and so they double down on that strategy... completely oblivious to the fact that they're hurting someone that in theory they're supposed to love, and pushing them away.

My own experiences support this. My xwBPD is constantly trying to provoke conflict over nothing, where every communication is essentially trying to bait me into responding. (I almost never talk to her now, or even email/text.) Every now and then there's something I have to respond to, and she seizes on that as the fuel for the argument and then uses it to try to engage me in conflict for weeks after. It took me a while to realize she's just trying to find an excuse to rage so she can put me down to make herself feel better.

It must be an absolute nightmare to be trapped in a BPD mind.

[Gerda]

Yes, this makes a lot of sense. I've also read elsewhere that people with BPD just view life in a negative way overall. My mom is like that and my husband is like that. Even if they're not complaining about how horrible they think I am, they'll be complaining about something else. They expect me to be their unpaid therapist listening to them go on for hours about their tales of woe.

I saw something on YouTube about the different "subtypes" of BPD, and my H would definitely fit into the "petulant borderline" type. The perpetual victimhood. The resentment. The paranoia.

When my husband and I were first together I used to think I could cheer him up somehow. Maybe I could convince him things really aren't as bad as he thinks they are. I've been with him 15 years, married to him for 12 years, and have seen NO IMPROVEMENT at all in his mental health or outlook on life or anything. Having me as a wonderful loving wife didn't help, having a wonderful adorable kid didn't help. If anything he's gotten worse. He just gets more bitter and resentful and angry as the years go by, and just more certain that he's done absolutely nothing wrong and it's just that everyone else is out to get him for no good reason.

[CravingPeace]

Gerda, Although you maybe questioning yourself a bit right now, is it me, maybe I am at fault, feeling tremendous guilt, wondering can he be reasoned with.

One thing I guarantee is when you file, his behavior will become unbearable and very very triggered. At that point you will be laser clear you are doing the right thing.

I imagine Divorce is bad on neurotypical people, with someone with these issues it is hugely destabilizing.  The blaming, blame shifting, projection, guilting comes out in full force. If it wasn't crazy making before get ready for it. But also I find it makes it clearer to see it when it becomes so much more extreme. I don't want her to feel pain, but I also need to acknowledge I did not cause this (I enabled for sure, and I was caught in a dysfunctional dance), I maybe the one to finally say enough, but she shares the blame too. Not that she will take any responsibility.

My life is pretty bad right now, I am being pushed aggressively to move out, even though there is no child custody agreement and my attorney said do not do it. She wants to tell the kids immediately. I have said not until we have something to tell them, they will have questions we have no answers. Meanwhile being pressured for credit cards, money, being told its all my fault. How awful I am, how she doesn't want to be married to me, but in the same breath saying it's my fault as she will work on the marriage.

She said she would sign an agreement so I could move out, I offered what it could be, she said no she wont be pushed into anything, so I said what do you propose then.  Nothing... Crickets.... Just more blaming. So I can't move out even though I would love to. I am going to stick it out until I get an agreement, not stitch myself up for some short term relief. I love my kids and I will get this right.

[CravingPeace]

PS That said my last sentence is easier for me to say as a man, I understand for a women if you feel under threat or there is a risk of DV then you need to get out before filing.

[Gerda]

Yes, I'm planning on moving out first and then serving him with papers shortly afterwards (so I can get that temp order going as soon as possible). Given how he's acted before when he merely suspected I might be leaving him has made me think I couldn't stand living with him for any length of time after he knows I'm really leaving him. Since he's threatened me with violence before I have to keep in mind that he might actually do it. Everyone is telling me that leaving is the most dangerous time. I still think it's more likely that he won't get violent, but I also just don't want to take the chance.

I also think it would be best for our kid if she's not around either. He's shown before that he's incapable of sheltering her from any of this and has had plenty of emotional meltdowns right in front of her already. And even if he doesn't get violent, I'm 100% sure that when he finds out, he's going to have a big emotional meltdown. I don't want to be there to witness that, but I really don't want our kid to be there to witness that. I worry a bit about how she's going to react to all this, but I'm sure seeing her dad freak out when this happens won't make anything better for her.

I'm going to try my best to keep calm and let her know that everything's going to be OK and it's not the end of the world. But I'm pretty sure her dad will think definitely is the end of the world and will mostly be focused on making sure she knows that this is all Mama's fault that the world is ending.