I feel so alone (warning: it’s a long post)

[Josie C]

My last post was 7-8 years ago.  I learned so much and I’m fearful it was all for nothing. Our dxBPD, bipolar dd29 lives alone, about 40 minutes from her dad and me. She’s mostly independent; we give bill reminders, pick up meds, and pay a portion of her rent. She’s held a job she loves for over two years, her longest stretch. Until last month, when she was fired for insubordination. 

She RAGED for days. Mostly at me.  She blamed me for everything that is wrong with her. This has been her style for years, I’m the punching bag. I was terrified she would self-harm (she was threatening), so I visited daily.  She screamed at me to apologize for ever giving birth to her, for being the cause of all her problems, etc… begged me to help her die…tried to start physical altercations with me.  Said horrible, hurtful, hateful things. Things she hasn’t said in several years.

My husband and I did a year-long DBT course when she was 21 (she did not attend). It made a huge difference. But all the skills we’ve practiced over the years went AWOL. I was ineffective, fearful, and beaten down, so afraid of making things worse.

I called her T(who doesn’t have permission to speak with us) and asked for any kind of help. She thought it best if we could keep her out of the hospital reasoning that she had made so much progress in the past two years that it would be beneficial for her to bear these strong emotions, with support, and realize she can indeed handle them. But was this effective?

After a week, she retreated for a few days, then started to meet me for walks. We didn’t talk much, and when we did it was idle chit-chat. My husband and my T thought she needed time before asking about the future. So I tiptoed around. Then yesterday, during a pleasant phone call, things went off the rails.  She said I didn’t care about her because I’ve not talked about this situation. I said I wanted to talk, but wasn’t sure if she was ready.  She said I never want to help her, don’t care about her, won’t do what she needs (apologize for everything) and hung up.

Today, I reached out hoping to plan a time for the three of us to talk. It went horribly. After finally agreeing to meet, she started raging at me again, cursed at me.  I calmly said I wasn’t going to be called names, that yelling isn’t productive.  She wouldn’t back down, so I let her know I was hanging up. She followed up with a harsh text.  I replied with an apology for upsetting her, told her we wanted to support her.  She said we lost our chance. I’ve no idea when she might talk to us again. 

She refuses to try DBT, won’t do any counseling with us, and has no income, no health insurance, and says she has no desire to change.

I’ve been revisiting this site and reviewing my dbt notes, have started attending NAMI support groups. The pain feels unbearable. And I understand hers is a hundred-fold more. I don’t know where to turn.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Josie,

My udd also finds it hard to deal with stress too but stress is a part of life and will all need to learn to deal with it. I guess your dd raging and blaming you for her situation at the moment but you dont have to accept it.

The way I would handle it is to give it some breathing space. Dont try to cajole her into meeting you to talk about things. I remember reading somewhere that pwbpd feel emotions much more intensely than someone without pwbpd, so right now things are very sensitive and as youve discovered it will end badly. Let her come to you when she is ready and calm enough to talk things through with you. If she threatens self harm I would call the police. You cant be there all the time to prevent  self harm happening but you can call for help if she is talking about it.
Also when you state that she has no desire to change is very profound. With all the will in the world we would like our pwbpd to put in the effort to experience a healthier life but if they are unwilling to do so there isnt much we can do. It seems that you have done a lot for your dd to the detriment of your own mental health but you need to focus on that now, None of us are getting any younger and dont want to spend all our lives feeling sad and miserable about something we cannot change. There is hope that your dd may actually come round in time and taking care of her own mental health when she actually doesnt have you as a buffer anymore.

[Ourworld]

Hi Josie,

Breathe! The best way to handle this is to take a break and remember that everything happens for a reason. Trust and pray.

You have been consistently helping to care for an adult child of God and right now she’s securely in His hands. Trust and pray, but most importantly, look after yourself! Do things you have been putting off, maybe you would like to be more involved with something, but you weren’t because you felt this would take time away from being with your daughter-do it now!
Don’t let her get over on you, plus a happy Mom to help her when she settles down and reconnects is what she needs.
She knows that she needs another job and hopefully learned from whatever she did to lose her job. She will most likely reach out to you when she is in a calmer place and/or needs money.

Everything will be ok!

Take Care, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi Josie C
It certainly is unbearable for all of you. You put in an amazing effort over a long period of time, learning skills etc and things seem settled for quite a period of time. Now it all has come undone and now faced with no job, no money no health insurance etc

From my experience of  BPD I would expect your dd to react in the way that she has. The most unbearable part for her is the thought that she is to blame for the situation - hence the intense blaming of yourself and the avoidance of any situation where she might need to talk about the cause of the circumstances that now exist.

On your part you must feel so exhausted and wondering how you could possibly find the energy to start all over again.

There is one thing that might help you to find that energy and keep going. I had to reread your post to check your dd's age because you seemed to have achieve a great deal in relation to stability etc - with an enormous effort of course on your part.

Many years ago I was told by a paediatric psychiatrist that the symptoms/signs of BPD often lessen significantly in the 4th decade ie between age 30 and 40 years. I have also seen this expressed in much of the literature. I thought it was encouraging that you and your dd achieved a level of stability over quite a period of time by the late 20s.

I know this doesn't help for the immediate situation - back to square 1 and being the target of blame for it all because dd can't bear to feel that blame herself.

But I would hope that the work you have put in and that appeared to enable dd to be stable for that period of time will be effective again in the longer term - as dd enters the 4th decade and she will hopefully feel some relief from the intense symptoms of BPD.

You have done so well but it's hard to think of that at this point in time. It all feels broken. But even though it is rock bottom now, you might be getting closer to a longer term stability in the not too distant future. I surely hope so.

[Josie C]

Thank you everyone for your support and for reminding me that there is HOPE.  I’ve taken time to breathe, to focus on other things, and to review the resources on this site.  It has centered me a bit.  I know the barrage of blame and fury will come eventually, and I need to be in a good place if I’m to be at all helpful.

JsFriend, I appreciate the reminder about pwbpd having such intense, overwhelming emotions.  She flipped so quickly from laughter to intense nastiness, I was unprepared. I now realize she had been trying to keep it together, and once the door opened a crack, she couldn’t bear the feelings.

Ourworld, thanks for the reminder to PRAY.  I consider myself a prayerful woman, yet when things get really awful my thoughts become paralyzed and I forget where I need to go for strength.

From my experience of  BPD I would expect your dd to react in the way that she has. The most unbearable part for her is the thought that she is to blame for the situation - hence the intense blaming of yourself and the avoidance of any situation where she might need to talk about the cause of the circumstances that now exist.

Bingo, Sancho! I know my daughter feels so much shame. Doesn’t make it any easier to be a target of her vitriol, but it does help me understand that it’s not my fault and I can’t fix it.

I called her T today and left a message filling her in on what’s transpired over the past few days. I understand she can’t talk with me about dd, but at least I can give insight from our end.

An immediate concern is that her dad and I have a 4-day trip planned to visit one of our sons out of state. If she’s so dysregulated, is it safe for us to be gone?  What if she ends up hospitalized? Her brother (19) will be at our home—she had previously agreed to check in on him while we were gone. (He doesn’t need it, but I thought it would help her feel connected and not abandoned.) I doubt she remembers that we are leaving.  Do I remind her?

[CC43]

Hi Josie,

What you describe seems to be classic BPD behaviors--rage, blaming, volatile emotions, aggression, cutting off contact and resentment.

It sounds like your daughter was doing very well and had achieved some semblance of independence.  That she held a job for over two years is commendable.  Alas, she might have crumbled in a stressful work situation.  If she had an outburst and got fired for it, that is a life lesson for her to learn.  It could be a good thing that she faces the natural consequences of her behavior, without you jumping in to save her.

She's probably raging and blaming you right now because it's so painful for her to take responsibility for the loss of her job, especially if she liked it.  She must know this deep down, but feels so ashamed and angry at herself, and she's redirecting her ire your way.  Maybe she can pull herself together for a short time and go on a walk with you, but then the thoughts of her failure(s) bubble up again, and she spirals.  That sounds typical for someone who is beset with volatile emotions.

I think she needs time and space to process the latest turn of events.  Her internal dialogue is probably very negative right now--she hates herself, and so she deflects that hatred onto you, blaming you in the process.  If she had some time (and therapy) to calm down, her internal dialogue could become more compassionate.  She succeeded at work for two years.  She learned that she has to behave professionally at all times, or face the consequences.  She's not the only person on the planet who has ever gotten fired.  She faced a setback, but she's able to handle the feelings of failure, pick herself up and learn from her mistake.  Besides, there are plenty of other jobs out there, maybe even better ones.  Maybe you could make these points to her, adding that you're proud of her for getting a handle on a major setback, but only when she's in a good headspace.  You'll probably sense when she's ready--when she starts looking forward, rather than backward (e.g. blaming you and her terrible childhood for her current problems at work).

I tend to think that "remission" from BPD symptoms isn't permanent, and "recovery" doesn't happen in a straight line.  The pwBPD in my life will take two steps forward and one step backward, especially when there's stress or a disappointment.  But some success in "adulting"--like living independently, holding down a job, completing coursework, maintaining friends--serves to boost confidence.  What seems to be especially challenging to learn is emotional resilience, but I think it can be done with therapy, DBT techniques and general life experience.  Importantly, in my stepdaughter's case, she's learned that she can't threaten suicide whenever she doesn't get what she wants, or else she ends up in the hospital.  That was a tough lesson to learn, but a necessary one, because she was an emotional terrorist in our home for a long time.

Look, I know how you feel torn about going on a trip.  I've cancelled three vacations to be on suicide watch for my stepdaughter, who was diagnosed with BPD.  But that was only when she was "actively" suicidal.  If you really think your daughter is a threat to herself, then you should dial 911 and get her treatment.  Otherwise, my opinion is that if you cancel your trip, you could inadvertently give her the signal that you think she can't cope, and you could also come to resent your daughter for wrecking your plans.  Surely you can remain in contact throughout the trip, and her sibling can check in on her if needed.

I hope you find some solace and don't take any of your daughter's accusations and nasty words personally.  It sounds like you have supported her heroically over the years, and that she has made much progress.  Life comes with setbacks, but the key is to learn resilience.  All the best to you.

[Josie C]

Thanks CC43, your post gave me much to think about.  I like the idea of watching for her to have a forward-thinking outlook, and the points you made are all ones I’d love to share with her (and have shared in times past) —it’s just a matter of being patient and in wise mind. Thanks for the reminder.

Things aren’t good—we haven’t spoken in a few days. Yesterday, I sent a  brief text, reminding her to pay her water bill.  Nothing out of the ordinary, it’s a planned thing for us.  I rec’d a return text telling me how much she hates me.  I didn’t respond.  About an hour later, she sent another text saying she’d thought about it and realized she doesn’t hate me, she loves me—but that it felt good to say the hate stuff. What a roller coaster.

As of today, husband and I are still planning to go on our trip. We’ll remind her that we’re going, share our flight itinerary, and may leave her T a message that we’ll be out of town. I also asked her younger brother to try to plan an outing with her (they get along well).

Meanwhile, it’s lots of reading, praying, and keeping myself occupied with good activities. 

[CC43]

Josie,

It sounds like you handle your daughter very well.  Not reacting to a hate text is probably the way to go--there's no arguing or rationalizing with her when she's raging, because she can't think straight.  Try not to take her hatred personally--that's just BPD talking.  It seems like she self-regulated pretty quickly and nearly apologized an hour later.  That you're able to keep the communication channels open, even when she's dysregulated, is a big plus.  Keeping some of the conversations light should help.  If every conversation revolves around her problems, she might shut down or break down under the weight of judgment coming from you (even if all you're trying to do is help).  A text from her, even if it's nasty, shows you that she's still engaged, and that you are still so important to her.  I think that is actually better than being avoidant or giving up on the relationship (at least until the next time she needs money . . . ).

However, at some point, she'll need to learn that sending rage texts is inappropriate, even if they make her feel better in the moment.  My BPD stepdaughter has seriously damaged numerous relationships by sending raging, threatening texts.  The good news is that your daughter came to the realization that she didn't mean what she texted, on her own and in a short time.  But she needs to learn that is not how responsible adults behave.  If she's like my stepdaughter, she's already faced some of the adverse consequences of rage texting:  lost friendships and damaged relationships with extended family members.  I suspect that people with BPD just don't understand how damaging rage texting can be, as they believe their rage is justified, and they want retribution.  Though nobody would dare send a mean-spirited text to them, that doesn't register with them--they never learned the rules of healthy relationships, or they believe they are exempt.  They are always the victim, and lashing out is their standard reaction to stress.

Maybe it would be a good time for your daughter to choose other emotion regulation techniques, such as DBT, rather than rage texting.  One technique could be to write out the mean message, but then rip it up or delete it!  Another option would be to write it out, sleep on it, and then deliver the message in person or in a live phone conversation.  Having to communicate face-to-face usually tones down the meanness.

I understand the frustration and despair that comes with this setback, and the fear that she might self-destruct.  I would say, try very hard not to project that fear, because I think people with BPD are super-sensitive, and they pick up on that vibe.  I like the idea of keeping life as normal as possible, such as you going on your scheduled trip, and continuing to pay the bills and go about the business of adulting.  When she's ready, you can try to talk with her logically, and help her re-frame the incident as life lessons about professional behavior and resilience from setbacks.  From what you've written, it sounds to me like she's high functioning, and she's able to get back to "baseline" fairly quickly (note the admission that she didn't hate you one hour after sending a nasty text)!  Comparatively, my stepdaughter would typically need WEEKS to recover from such an incident, and she has NEVER acknowledged her poor behavior, and she only resumed contact when she needed money.  I have yet to hear an apology from my stepdaughter, despite the serious damage she has done on numerous occasions.  And yet, my stepdaughter has made significant progress with therapy and medication.

I wish you peace and a double dose of patience.

[Josie C]

My FOG is so thick.

I haven’t heard from dd in several days and wanted to check in with her before her dad and I headed out-of-state to visit our son. Asked her if she wanted to walk together. She didn’t want to walk, but to talk.  And berate and accuse.  She mostly focused on me being the cause of her BPD and therefore I must fix it. My wise mind knows I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it. My emotion mind feels fear and obligation and guilt.

Fear: that she will do something harmful to get back at us for “leaving her” and that she will cut off communication even further because she feels so angry. She’s been chronically suicidal for many years and it’s impossible to know what might trigger her.

obligation: her emotions are so raw since losing her job.  I know she’s an adult and has to deal with the outcome of her actions.  But I’m her mom and I cherish her and hate to see her hurting. Even though I have no idea how to help her, I can’t stop thinking that I should be nearby just in case she asks for help.  And yet she won’t ask for help. She expects me to know what to do—and since I don’t, she says I’m a bad mother. Or if I do have suggestions, she shuts them down. And we haven’t seen her brother in months, and I’d like to spend time with him.  He invited us to visit b/c he knew we’d never been to the area before (and he’s only there another week) I feel pulled in both directions- I want to connect with him and feel like I should be with her because she’s in crisis.

Guilt: she’s in such pain and the way she is managing it is to blame me. Staying home from our trip wouldn’t be helpful (she may actually feel guilty for us cancelling plans, which could cause even more strife) and yet I can’t bear her thinking we have chosen her brother over her.  She basically told me we love her brother more because we are leaving to see him.  She said things purposefully to make me feel guilty for going. And it worked.

So I’m getting on a plane tomorrow and feeling awful about it. Ideas for finding my way out of the fog?

[Ourworld]

Hi Josie,

I’m so glad you are still going on your trip, but I do think you should contact her everyday by a call or text. And be sure she remembers that you will be back in a few days.

Enjoy the break, do not feel the need to text her more than once a day or be concerned when she threatens suicide to make you feel guilty.
She’s gotten stronger and so have you!

Wishing you the best, OurWorld