Struggling

[Gremlin]

Hi Everyone,
I am really struggling. My daughter with BPD is having her first baby in 2 months.  My husband and I have not been involved at all. She has decided she doesn’t want us in her life. She is already telling us we won’t see the baby. This is such a struggle with me because we used to be close. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in our lives and it has been the worst. Please give me any suggested about dealing with this. There are days I can’t stop crying and get physically sick. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Gremlin
There is so much grieving associated with a loved BPD child/adult child. We grieve for the loss of the relationship we had/hoped to have, for the ability to communicate in a normal way - so many losses we deal with on this journey.

The welcoming of a grandchild is such a joyful time in normal circumstances - but with BPD - a different story. In your case it's being told you will not be part of your grandchild's life. For others - there are people who post here who grieve in this way - they get to know their grandchild, develop a strong bond, only to have the child withdrawn over some petty thing.

In my case my dd excluded me completely from her journey through pregnancy. She just wanted to be supported by her friends. But she rang when she went into labour, and wanted me to be there to support her.

Then cut off again for a short period after the birth - getting support from others - but then that stopped and dd could not cope at all. So back in the picture I came and of course enjoyed the gd very much. But it too was/is unbearably difficult at times because the relationship becomes triangulated - and the possibilities for triggers of BPD for dd are enormous. So you walk on eggshells a lot because now there is this little child that you want to protect and nurture.

 I suppose my story is an example of not really taking what dd says at any given point in time. Things are so changeable. Of course everyone is different and you know your dd best of all and know whether things change or are more likely not to.

My understanding of why someone with BPD acts like this when expecting a child is that at the core of BPD is this sense of abandonment. So this child is MINE and no one is going to be allowed to be part of what is totally mine.

I am not sure if you have contact with your dd currently? If so, my suggestion is that you appear completely relaxed (impossible to do?) about what she wants etc. It seems to reduce the 'threat' of  your (legitimate) desire to know your
grandchild. The more upset your dd knows you to be, the more she senses a 'threat'. The more disinterested you appear, the more relaxed dd could become (in the long term).

Of course this 'act' we put on just hides the grieving that we do over so many, many things. Our journey with a loved BPD child is one in which so many of the 'normal' things in our life are taken by this awful, complex condition.

I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that your dd is loved and you have done all you can to support her. The future is something we take as it comes when we are outside the possibility of a 'normal' journey.

Thinking of you  . .

[Joyful Noise]

Dear Gremlin,

I am so very sorry you are facing this loss via your BPD daughter at this specific very special moment in her -and your lives. This is horrific stuff to go through.

I am living through this same scenario, several steps/twists ahead of you, as the MIL. Her own mother gets to spend all kinds of time with them.

 Her own mother, whom she previously described to me as a drug addict and the source of the pain in her childhood, is now adored and spending lots of time with the two young grandchildren I have not met yet (ages 5 and 3).  And I have additionally just been told (-I was hoping we were past all of this..) that I will not -ever- be allowed to meet them. They live just a few miles from me.  -I was informed of this while her mother was at her house taking care of the grandchildren.She plays a role in reinforcing this BPD splitting aimed my way (it takes the targeting off of her).

..So, one great piece of advice I heard was to learn how to make staying calm your superpower. -I like that one.

I have been basically silent for six years (stunned I was able to do that!)  -and am now coming to terms with the reality of things not changing for the better despite all this quiet passage of time; all these years of grieving every day -as you now are.   

Maybe the take-home message is that going that invisible does not fix things with pwBPD. .. And the time is gone forever.

Your daughter having access to a psychologist specializing in BPD support would be a much better way to go if that avenue ever presents itself. -Maybe introducing the idea as the two of you doing family therapy to support your relationship with each other could be a start to your daughter getting individual therapy re BPD; a quiet, around-about approach?  -Find a great BPD-therapist and hire them as the family therapist.

Life here as the MIL of two mystery grandchildren:
I alternate between active, very deep grieving, anger, bargaining (between me, myself and God), living briefly in delusions of hope and then feeling physically ill (as you mentioned) when those hopes are again dashed. Sometimes the pain is almost too much to bare.  Nothing in my life prepared me for the pain of this  (two grandchildren and my dear son who is married to her) kind of loss. 

When BPD arrived on my doorstep, I knew something was truly off but had absolutely NO idea what I was looking at. It's unlike any other kind of dysfunction I have bumped up against in relationships or witnessed from a distance in other people's lives.   

Are there any moments I would handle differently if I had a re-do? Yes but, I honestly do not think it would have made a difference in where this has landed. This young woman would be acting out her BPD splitting at the mom of any man she married. She happened to secure my son (sound angry much?).

[js friend]

Hi Gremlin,

My udd has 3 children now. With the 1st and 2nd gkids I was excluded from all prenatal appointments, she had b/f back then and one really good friend. By the time the first gkid was due she was back on her own and back at home with me and her siblings. A Similiar thing happened with 2nd gkid so I was there for both their births.
Now I have a  3rd gkid I no nothing about. I dont even have a name for this child. I only found out  that she was pregnant when I went over there to hopefully drop off some gifts for my gkids.

As far as Ive been told she has a new b/f and moans about him quite a bit. I have never met him and know nothing about him. Tbh everyday Iam waiting for that phone call where either udd herself or the authorities call to bring me back in. There is always HOPE Gremlin. Dont give up on it.

I have been estranged from my gkids for 3years now but have not given up hope that one day we will be together again. I know that the gkids miss me (especially the eldest) because Ive been told so. The push and pull we experience with our pwbpd is definitely hard to endure but we must just take one day at a time. Your dd may get back in touch or maybe she wont but in the meantime I would say to look after your physical and mental health as much as you can.