following through with divorce

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Filed for divorce with court, and papers have been served in recent weeks.   No catastrophes yet.   Just the usual barrage of attacks at first, then giving way to invitations to come back and work on the relationship.  I told her I was sorry but this was the only choice I could see and I am not changing my mind.   There may be a big dispute over money, but my attorney assures me that it doesn't have legs.   We are staying out of each others way at home.   After getting past the emotional inertia that was holding me back, instead of feeling shattered I am just feeling a numbness against a background of grief that comes and goes.   And I am tired.   

[eightdays]

Filed for divorce with court, and papers have been served in recent weeks.   No catastrophes yet.   Just the usual barrage of attacks at first, then giving way to invitations to come back and work on the relationship.  I told her I was sorry but this was the only choice I could see and I am not changing my mind.   There may be a big dispute over money, but my attorney assures me that it doesn't have legs.   We are staying out of each others way at home.   After getting past the emotional inertia that was holding me back, instead of feeling shattered I am just feeling a numbness against a background of grief that comes and goes.   And I am tired.   

[livednlearned]

It's really sad it had to come to this and no matter how right the decision is, I imagine it's still quite painful? I couldn't run fast enough out of my BPD marriage and yet the pain really hobbled me for a while. I guess it's also about grieving the loss of the dream when you marry this person.

Your stbx may not be a high-conflict person, although sometimes the legal system can kick things up a notch, for both sides. I never got used to receiving legal stuff in the mail. My L would explain things on the phone and then that fat wad of paper would land in my mailbox and each time my heart would skip a beat, not to mention the dread of reading things in legal language.

I noticed my ex's BPD traits (high conflict all the way) would peak after legal actions. He would rattle cages and then the next day go back to the usual baseline. As though 25 texts in a short period calling me names I can't repeat here never happened.

Are you seeing a therapist to help guide you through this?

[ForeverDad]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

[EyesUp]

Now that you’ve made the decision, you’ll be acclimating to major changes….  Here’s what you might have to look forward to:

First, the divorce process can be like taking on a full time job.  And you’ll still be navigating things with your stbx…

When this is over at some point down the road, what will you do with all the time and energy you get back? If you’re no longer caretaking/walking on eggshells, negotiating, litigating….  Suddenly having bandwidth for yourself can be thrilling - or unsettling.  It’s a great opportunity to reconnect with yourself and focus on your own likes, preferences, priorities, health, friends, family, hobbies, work…

Until then, it sounds like you’re still cohabitating - stay vigilant and keep a voice recorder going 24/7, just in case you need to mitigate false accusations at some point.

The suggestion to work with a counselor/therapist is a good one.  Should be a requirement, imo.

Take care and good luck navigating your next steps.

[eightdays]

Hi, I looked back on your posts and never got a sense of how long you had been married nor how long you two were together before that.  I figure no children together.  I'm guessing you lurked a bit before you joined in three months ago.

I noticed how you wrote she is "on the tamer side of the spectrum from what I've been seeing on the forum."  That may be why the process, from what you've shared, hasn't been as difficult as it was for many here.  Of course, from your perspective I'm sure there was a lot of angst the least few months.

You mentioned you too had some FOO (family of origin) issues to address.  You're welcome to share more if that is okay with you, you went so quickly from arriving to resolving the discord with divorce.  (Many of us here fretted over our difficulties for so long, I sometimes think that's why it was so hard to decide what to do to dig ourselves out of our troubles, sort of kicking and screaming all the way.)

I realized through this experience that my father had some elements of these patterns when I was growing up, more on the narcissistic side but prone to intense rages.   I'm a little shy about sharing much because I don't want to be recognized.   I had heard from my counselor that many people take a very long time to disentangle.  I did have the hardest time I can remember getting from frightened and confused to a place of acceptance and resolve.   My attorney was the one that helped me most to feel confident.   There are no kids which I do think makes a big difference.    When I saw what was happening though I was just like NO, this is not going to be my life and i processed this relatively fast I guess.  I don't want to minimize it, it was bad.   I was attached to someone self-destructive, destructive to my emotional well-being (which has had some serious physical manifestations), and destructive to my finances and assets, that at some level has been stuck emotionally at age 2.   We came to a point where I was no longer able to be vulnerable with her, and so there was no emotional intimacy anymore.   She has become someone I have been caretaking that is a slow poison to my life, and not a partner.   We were friends for decades, together over 10 years, but only married the last 4.   I always knew something was off kilter but the really offensive behavior (raging, splitting, blaming, reality distortion, gaslighting and others) did not start until some time after we were married.   I recognized the behavior as abuse early on which I think many people do not, so I'm thankful in that regard.   Whether I was recreating my emotional past is sort of a complicated subject.    In some ways yes, others no.   But when my counselor pointed out to me late last year what the traits I was seeing were associated with I was able to connect the dots as I just saw someone write and I just did not want to be stuck in this situation.

I did want to check in here and post though, because I read so many horror stories here and that was part of what was stressing me out.   I feel much improved now so far and can see the light in the distance.   I haven't needed as much support or help as I thought I might.

[eightdays]

As time has gone by now a bit, my partner is beginning to have more episodes and is splitting.   Threats about legal action, accusations, and trying to take everything I built and all my money.   

I am having a much harder time this week, but I remind myself this is why I am divorcing.

[PeteWitsend]

As time has gone by now a bit, my partner is beginning to have more episodes and is splitting.   Threats about legal action, accusations, and trying to take everything I built and all my money.   

I am having a much harder time this week, but I remind myself this is why I am divorcing.

I think you need to "expect the unexpected" with them during a divorce, for better or worse. 

They might just kinda go away once they realize what's going on and that they can't manipulate the process the way they'd like to.  Or when they get their bill for attorney's fees and realize the more time they waste, the more expensive it gets for them. And also, judges, lawyers, court clerks, etc. hear their crap all day long, and don't care to hear more from a pwBPD who has an obvious axe to grind, so their attempts to find someone to listen to their sob stories usually backfire on them. 

That being said, they might also make things worse by making really unhinged or bizarre allegations to try to establish some "control" over the situation.  I haven't read too many stories here about divorce with a pwBPD really being that bad unless there are kids involved, and fortunately for you, there are not.   

I think they also process information so differently from non-BPD people that it doesn't become "real" to them until later in the process, or until things really are finalized and they can't go back.  Maybe that's why her behavior is getting worse... she finally saw the light, and realized she lost the control over you that she had, and now she's trying to escalate things in order to get that back.

Remember to keep a record of all that's said and done; record face-to-face interactions, if any.  Get your files in order with respect to finances.

I hated having to do it, but BPDxw was claiming I "stole" money from her; she seemed to like to re-write our relationship so that she was the one who was financially established & had a career, and I was the one mooching off her, when the opposite was closer to the truth.  I had to get over 5 years of monthly invoices from one of my accounts in place to show that I never deposited money in it during our marriage, and thus all the assets were mine.  It was a huge pain, but she shut up after that once we provided them to her attorney.

[PeteWitsend]

...  It was a huge pain, but she shut up after that once we provided them to her attorney.

actually, this part isn't true.  Every so often after our divorce was finalized, she'd send me an email rant about what a bad person I was, and allege again that I "stole" money from her. 

As much as that would annoy me, I just ignored them.  I remember some advice family members gave me after that: silence is golden; and also staying silent when they're clearly trying to get a rise out of you is the best way to make them angry.  By responding, you're giving them what they want.  And also that if you're legally separated, but still repeating the same behavior patterns with your ex, you didn't get your money's worth out of the divorce!

[eightdays]

Thank you.  Yes I know I cannot predict her behavior and so while I expect the unexpected it is nerve wracking.   I prepared for this well, and collected all the documentation a long time ago.   I keep a daily journal of interactions which are mostly text messages now.   I'm just bummed out right now wondering if any of the claims she is making have any possibility of going anywhere.   I've gone over it all with a good attorney and I trust his opinion but the stakes are so high for me.

[eightdays]

A little update.  I am seeing light in the distance.   She is in the process of moving out.   The barrage of weirdo texts comes and goes, but I think I am getting closer to the end of this.   Checked with a second attorney and got a firm confirmation that her claims do not have merit.  Doesn't mean we might not go to court, and this is still probably going to be quite expensive.  But I am confident in my position and looking forward to the silence.   Still not sleeping as well as I'd like and still tired.   But the anxiety is lifting.   I will be glad when I can stop journalling the days events.

[EyesUp]

I never slept better than that first night after my uBPDxw moved out. 

And it took a while to figure out what to do with all the time I suddenly had….  for myself.

One day at a time.

[ForeverDad]

I never slept better than that first night after my uBPDxw moved out.

When my ex was gone, I commented at the time that the silence was deafening.

[eightdays]

Well, I was successful.   She is moved out and no longer has tenancy.   Part of me can't believe it yet.   I am still having some grieving on and off but I am finding something interesting.   Her behavior the last couple of months was so awful and cruel at times that I am not as heartbroken as I thought I might be.   Whatever nice memories I had of us and that I want to hold onto are mixed in with the recognition that I was living in an abusive situation.   I can remember during other breakups in my life feeling a painful loneliness.   This is not nearly so bad though.  There is a feeling of loss but it is offset by a strong sense of compassion for myself, and I know I will never let this happen again.   I am looking forward to what my life will be now.

So, have any of you guys gotten into better relationships since having these experiences?   I feel I have a much better understanding of life and love now but I'm not sure I want to be with anyone.

[ForeverDad]

I have some gentle advice.  Give yourself time to recover from this failed relationship before even considering seeking a new relationship.  Rebound relationships rarely succeed, they're started on a weak foundation.

How to know if it's too soon?  For sure, wait until the divorce is final.  If you have an urge to talk overmuch about the failed relationship, then likely it's also too soon.  Not that you hide history, but you need time to let the past fade into the past so your focus is stable and you're fully in the present.

Your counselor would be a good person to work with to help you know when you've made sufficient progress to make that next step.

[CravingPeace]

If you have an urge to talk overmuch about the failed relationship, then likely it's also too soon.  Not that you hide history, but you need time to let the past fade into the past so your focus is stable and you're fully in the present.

I have been mulling these things too. I feel no rush, I have plenty to work on myself to make sure I am stable and don't allow history to repeat itself. Eightdays make sure you work with a good therapist to work out what was this to you. What caused you to seek an abusive relationship, or maybe not seek but stay in it. That is the question you need to ask to stop it repeating in a new relationship. There are plenty here that get stuck in these cycles and have multiple BPD relationships. Get clear on the red flags as love bombing at the start is addictive. I could see how you leave an abusive relationship, and a new potential partner loves bombs you and makes you feel good, until the abuse starts. Then the pattern repeats.

One thing that is a red flag for me is any new partner discussing their ex as abusive. Legitimately some exs are abusive. But my partner told me everyone before me was abusive. So it would certainly scare me telling any new partner in years to come my wife was abusive incase it is a red flag for them! Not sure how I handle this.

eightdays are you in therapy to handle this? You may feel fine now. You may feel numb. But understanding what role you played is critical.

[livednlearned]

You'll need time to heal and learn how to discern.


Dr. Durvasula is a clinical psychologist who writes about narcissistic abuse (not NPD) and what she calls "disenfranchised grief," which is grief that is often not acknowledged by others or socially sanctioned and supported as grief.

She has a chapter in her book It's Not You about the grief of exiting these relationships, and rituals that can help "cleanse" so you proceed through your grief with some intention and direction.

Something she wrote that I found particularly helpful was being able to hold space for multiple truths. It enabled me to stop ruminating on the magnitude of selecting someone so disordered and then staying well past the due date, not to mention try so hard again and again to make things work.

Interestingly, she also says to find a support group or therapist and keep telling your story until you become desensitized, almost like exposure therapy. I didn't do that but I did take close to two years to focus on what I know understand to be discernment. I had become very disconnected from myself emotionally and had to learn how my body communicated emotions and then what to do with that information. It also helped to get to a place where I was genuinely happy being on my own, which is of course the exact month I met my current H, who is a genuinely wonderful person. Not feeling like I needed someone made our dating experience so calm and enjoyable, and I was able to lean on therapy and friends and books and this site to make sure I was looking at things from a healthy perspective.

The silver lining to our experiences is that if you take the lessons and really learn them you essentially become an emotional leader in whatever relationships come next for us 

[eightdays]

I have two counselors I talk with now, though I am feeling close to winding this down.   For me I had two problems that led me into this situation.  One was a semi-conscious feeling I carried from childhood of bad self-esteem.  It made me socially awkward growing up, and a bit weird as an adult.   My wife was just someone I didn't feel awkward with and that was unusual for me.   But I've changed since we met all those years ago and I'm not carrying as much of that self doubt.   Because I did have that when I was younger though, I didn't get much relationship experience and didn't learn that a partner was someone I needed to be able to be vulnerable with.   I knew my wife was strange and that I could not rely on her and that I wouldn't be able to be vulnerable with her.   I just didn't see a problem with this, but now I know better.

I found something that really resonated with me though in the last few days.   I was reading a story of a woman who got divorced and spent a long time processing the loss, and wondering why she was still lost in this loop.   Then one day she said she realized that it was not that she chose divorce and grief, but that she chose happiness and peace over having a partner it didn't work with.   It seems a more positive way to frame the situation and has helped me.

[ParentingThruIt]

I just want to acknowledge the grief. I thought I gave up on having a meaningful marriage several years ago, but stayed for the kids. Despite this, it's still been painful and especially for the first few months there was a lot of grieving. Some of that was for the marriage and coparenting I wanted but we could never realize, and some was on behalf of the kids losing a united home and failing to give them a better model for marriage and relationships. I think I also had hoped I could help him.

All of our situations are different, but I think the grief is real and needs its time and attention, even while we take these hard steps to get ourselves into a safer situation.

[eightdays]

Just want to briefly give a positive update, I am feeling much better.   There's no settlement so that's going to have to go to court apparently, but I am really out of the relationship otherwise.   It helped that I had two counselors to check in with every few days.   I feel I can go on now without them.   My conflicted feelings about divorcing over time have faded to a more solid awareness that this change was necessary for my own sanity.   Not feeling lonely anymore, and only occasionally sad.   And looking forward to what life will bring.   

[ForeverDad]

It's not surprising there's no settlement yet.  Quite often the disordered spouse is simply too entitled to sincerely negotiate so early in the process.  However, the court process is so slow that many of us did settle later on, usually just before a major hearing or trial.  Some have pondered whether court is so slow because (1) it don't want to go to the trouble of making decisions or (2) it expects the parties to get fed up waiting and figuring it out on their own.  Maybe both.

Whatever happens, don't Gift Away too much during settlement negotiations.

[eightdays]

I'm imagining if I'm in the position of assigning these cases I would have no personal involvement, and no incentive to move things along so the slowness makes sense to me.
I have no incentive to give anything more than what I have to.   So I am not too worried about that.  I'm in no rush.

I just want to add this other thought.   Our couples therapist shared with me that he regretted that he did not see her condition more clearly when we were working together, and that he just didn't have the experience with personality disorders to recognize it.   I hope this may be helpful to someone else.

[PeteWitsend]

One bit of advice I wish I had: the red flags you ignored that lead you into the BPD relationship may not be the same in every case, and sometimes a different pwBPD can hold things together longer, til they feel you can't leave them, at which point you'll see things get progressively worse.

Just speculating here, but I imagine pwBPD takeaway from a breakup is not "I treated that person unfairly and they left me so I should treat the next person better" it's "they left me, so I need to find a better way to control the next one so they can't leave."

case in point: BPDxw used to tell me that if we divorced, she'd just go find some rich guy who would give her a better life than I did.  Yet... she ended up with a fat, barely-employed construction worker, who she supports financially.  The cars are all in her name... so he can't really leave her.  Actually, I think she spends all the child support she gets on their cars, and then some. 

Mutual friend of ours once asked me why she was with that guy, and I said I assume her takeaway from our relationship ending was that her next guy needed to be dependent, so that he couldn't leave her.  There's no way she would accept any responsibility for it ending and change her behavior.  no way...

[eightdays]

One bit of advice I wish I had: the red flags you ignored that lead you into the BPD relationship may not be the same in every case, and sometimes a different pwBPD can hold things together longer, til they feel you can't leave them, at which point you'll see things get progressively worse.

Just speculating here, but I imagine pwBPD takeaway from a breakup is not "I treated that person unfairly and they left me so I should treat the next person better" it's "they left me, so I need to find a better way to control the next one so they can't leave."

case in point: BPDxw used to tell me that if we divorced, she'd just go find some rich guy who would give her a better life than I did.  Yet... she ended up with a fat, barely-employed construction worker, who she supports financially.  The cars are all in her name... so he can't really leave her.  Actually, I think she spends all the child support she gets on their cars, and then some. 

Mutual friend of ours once asked me why she was with that guy, and I said I assume her takeaway from our relationship ending was that her next guy needed to be dependent, so that he couldn't leave her.  There's no way she would accept any responsibility for it ending and change her behavior.  no way...

Yes, I think it is true your partner is quite blind about their part.   I do not try to understand my wife's thinking.  It is a relief both that I do not need to anymore, and that I have accepted it may not make much normal sense.   

I miss her terribly sometimes though, and have been feeling isolated and depressed at times.   Taking care of her gave me a purpose for a very long time.  But I need to find an emotionally and spiritually satisfying purpose within myself.   In part it was because I felt that was missing that I got lost in this relationship to begin with.