Help with BPD Adult Daughtee

[Soul Anchor]

Hello,

I am the mother of a 31 year old adult child with BPD. She came to live with her father and me temporarily after her fiancé that  she was living with committed suicide. His suicide followed one of her extreme emotional outbursts. For about two months of grief and sorrow, including her feeling much guilt and shame over this situation, she suddenly flipped on us from being grateful for our help to having a ten day blast of rage and blame directed at us because we weren’t sure we could take care of her dog for a week-end. This resulted in hundreds of vile, mean, blaming, etc. texts as well as many conversations in which she did her typical “raking us over the coals” for the many things she feels we have done wrong as her parents.

I have been reading about BPD and have just come to the realization that she has this condition. She has burned many bridges with friends and family members at this point and blames all of us including her three brothers for her many problems, but I have usually been her main punching bag. She is an LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, which requires a Master’s degree, and is a Therapist herself. As far as I know she is still working and is capable of supporting herself as she has since she was 18.

After much drama including the police being called to our house due to her suicide threat, and her calmly stopping her rage long enough to explain to the police that she was only trying to get attention from her uncaring mother (me), as well as her making it impossible for us to function, we decided that we could no longer have her in our house. She refused to leave at first, so while she was gone for a weekend to check out a possible living situation in another state, we carefully moved her main belongings to an Airbnb that would have been available for her, for three weeks, paid for by one of her brothers, and informed her that she could not come back home. We knew it was her worst fear but our lives were becoming chaotic with her at our home and we had to just hope and pray that she would be OK.

She ended up vandalizing the Airbnb and telling us that she should not be held accountable because it could have been her that she stabbed with a knife instead of the Airbnb. She left after staying there for only one sleepless night. She has apparently lost her mind to a greater degree than ever before.

We blocked her phone after an all-nighter of trying to respond to her frightening texts, and we know that she has access to us in an emergency through one of our daughters-in-law.

What on earth can we possibly do now? She baited us by getting a new phone and sending an apology, only to respond to our apology for unintentionally hurting her by our reactions to her by sending more extremely hurtful texts. This ended up in our blocking her again. We have never done this before but we cannot physically or emotionally handle the venom she directs at us any more. HELP!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Oh Soul Anchor,

I greatly empathize with you! My own daughter is 38 now, after completing her undergraduate then feeling abandoned by my going overseas for work, she has completely blocked me since she was 27.

I too had no idea why she did this, but she lived then married a guy with major mental health issues resulting from the military (he was in special forces and to make matters worse he was severely physically abused as a child). Last year she finally left him and he is receiving thorough treatment at the VA. He never blocked me to her dismay, and he began telling me about her behavior and distorted memories and beliefs!

He gave me her current email, like I wanted to contact her(

[Ourworld]

Shoot, whenever I use a smiley face it cuts off my post, and I stupidly did it again!

I put a laughing smiley after that last statement, so I’ll rewrite.

After reading stuff on this site, I got up the nerve to email her. I just told her that I did not realize how much her father’s death had affected her (she was 11 yrs old), that I took the job in Germany to try and heal ( she seemed to feel abandoned), and a brief update on her husband’s condition and where-abouts.
She actually wrote back, confirming what I suspected about BPD. She blamed me for everything that had happened in her life, saying that she married another abuser because she grew up in an abusive home with me and that I needed help.

Until I found out about her BPD traits, I had her home address and tried to speak to her rationally. But now I know why that did not work; because people with BPD have such strong dysregulated emotions, they do not think rationally.

So, my suggestion would be to try speaking to her as if you want to try and mend fences. You have instilled a great fear of abandonment in her. If she thinks that you care about a relationship with her, remember that she will not comprehend what you mean, but she needs to think you care and that no longer communicating is her choice. More than likely this is what she will do (block you) because in her way of thinking, you abandoned her in the past and she will think she’s punishing you.

Therefore, if that is what you wish, your past actions were not really a mistake, just turn them around to your advantage.

I hope this idea works. I wish you the best.

Take Care, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

My daughter also has a masters degree (MBA) and is self-sufficient, so at least I don’t have to worry about that, there is just the behavior facet, but I am not responsible when she makes poor choices now.

Perhaps someday she’ll re-connect with me in a healthy way, and I will welcome her with open arms!

The Best, OurWorld

[Soul Anchor]

Thank you OurWorld, I really appreciate your reply. I did not see it until now, since I am still trying to navigate this site. I wish you all the best with your daughter!