Should I ask her to leave?

[Casandra]

My daughter is making me ill; Constantant anxiety for 10 years has taken its toll, and my BP is too high.
She made progress with DBT and now it's a memory as BDD has taken over her life
She still blames me for everything even though  we know that others plus genetics played their part.
She is refusing help from BDD therapists; whilst crying about her looks. She is in denial as to her own negativity
She is 25 and despite her psychologist telling her to avoid dependant relationship s she continues...one after another
She is missing opportunities and making my life hell,  because every time I suggest a way forward she refutes it
She is effectively dictating my life, and I can't stop her
Now she threatens suicide all the time and is making it impossible for me to lay down any ground rules.
Today I asked her to lock up before she went out...but she left the windows wide open
Should I ask her to leave?
Would this empower her?
Should I finally suggest she takes some medication for her mood, despite having avoided it all these years
She has had two psychotic episodes...and I'm terrified of precipitating another one
Feeling hopeless right now

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Cassandra,

I can relate to your hell.  I bet you have a beautiful daughter with many talents.  I bet she can pull herself together to do things she wants to do sometimes, appearing fully functional, at least temporarily.  You see a future full of joy and promise, and yet right now it seems unobtainable.  Not only are you mourning the apparent loss of your beloved child's future, but she's a terrorist in your home.  By terrorist, I mean she threatens suicide any time she doesn't get what she wants.  Or she transforms into a raging beast that you can barely recognize, and that makes you scared.  You think you've tried everything:  telling how much you love her, helping her solve her problems, praising her talents and her beauty.  You suggest she take courses, or look into a job, but she doesn't budge (or she might try it for a couple of days and then quit).  And everything positive you do and say (and the money you spend on her to help her get on her feet) is never enough.  She's a bottomless pit of entitlement and negativity.  She blames you for causing all the problems in her life.  She's invariably a victim, and she believes herself to be powerless.  This makes her hopeless.  So her room's a mess, and she doesn't help around the house.  She lives and looks like a slob.  She can't sleep at night, but sleeps most of the day away, because there's nothing fun for her to do.  Maybe she'll go out with friends sometimes.  But that seems to give her less and less joy these days.  Because, you see, her peers have moved on.  They're working, and maybe in committed relationships, and they are busy living adults' lives.  Meanwhile, your daughter is rotting in your home, stuck like a petulant, angry teenager.  In fact some days she's so bad, you barely recognize her.  She becomes paranoid and obsessed that others are trying to harm or sabotage her.

Sadly, I imagine you are enabling this behavior.  If she is treating you badly and not contributing around the household as an adult should, she needs to leave.  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she gets to act like a child-terrorist.  If she threatens suicide, you need to dial 911.  That way, she'll get some treatment at the hospital, at least for a few hours or days.  Eventually she'll figure out she needs treatment, and that she can't threaten suicide, or she'll end up in the hospital.  And if I were you, I might suggest that you stop making your home so comfortable for her.  I might start by making her pay for her own phone.  Because if she's up all night on social media, she's entertained, instead of resting up for a job in the morning.  What I'm getting at is that you need to establish boundaries about what you will do in your home.  One might be, she gets food, shelter and money for therapy from you, but that's it.  (You would say something like, "I'm retiring and my budget has changed.  Starting next month, my budget only allows me to pay for food and health insurance for you.  You are welcome to stay in this home with me if you so choose, but you have to be civil.")  If she yells and screams, you leave the room or hang up, because nothing you say could placate her until she calms down ("'We're not getting anywhere, so I'm going to hang up.").  If she threatens to hurt you or herself, you call 911.  If she damages your property, she pays to fix it, or she gets kicked out.

I bet she's so emotionally dysregulated that she can't understand your suggestions about how to move forward.  What she hears is that you're ignoring her feelings, you're not taking responsibility for her plight, and you're being controlling.  That's because her emotional state is precluding her from thinking rationally and problem-solving.  Instead, she's probably turning her self-hatred your way, and projecting it onto you ("You're psycho!  You're abusive!  You're narcissistic!  You only care about yourself!  You're evil!).  When will she be ready to take therapy seriously?  When she has hit bottom and wants to feel better.  That's when therapy and medications can work. 

You're not alone.  I bet if you read some of the posts on this site, you'll see that many people are in the same situation.  Pook is a proponent of tough love, and he shows how a few firm boundaries can work to turn the situation around.

[js friend]

Hi casandra,

Your question....should I ask her to leave?

I would answer with a resounding YES.

Boundaries are definitely the key for change and moving forward. My udd moved out just before her 18th birthday.  I felt that I had tried everything but she wasnt willing try to even meet me half way on the most simple  things and yet no-one could never dare say No to her without some kind of meltdown. Like you have said about your dd leaving the windows wide open, my dd would do things like that. She was abusive, lazy, secretive, disrespectful and refused to do very much with her life apart from chase boys. She even began shoplifting!!!
She is  now 30yrs old, has 3 kids and has stood pretty much on her own two feet since which I see as a triumph on both our parts. I got my health and home back, and she got her freedom.

[Casandra]

Thank you

[Sancho]

Hi Cassandra
I don't think anyone can answer the question 'should I ask her to leave?' because, even though  everyone here experiences the chaos of BPD, it is also the case that each individual and each situation is unique and there is no guarantee that pushing an individual to independence will force them to be responsible and make good decisions in every case.

You could reframe the question as 'do I need to ask my dd to leave for my sake?' I

In my case I was never sure if I was less anxious with dd somewhere else rather than at home. Sometimes I was more anxious.

Whatever you decide I think it needs to be on the basis of what YOU need to do for your own health and well being. I found that I needed to create emotional distance - rather than physical distance - from my dd because she simply is not capable of surviving on her own.

Emotional distance for me means not putting myself in the firing line by making suggestions - only to be derided/abused - and to allow the verbal abuse to drift past me because I know - I deeply know - that this is all coming from a disturbed mind.

Emotional distance means I have let go - even though dd is physically present - of feeling responsible for her pain and the chaos of her life. I have done all I can do.

I hope you can think through what 'asking her to leave' will look like. You are the only one who can know this. When you see what it could look like, then ask whether that is the step that is needed so that you are able to restore your own mental and physical health.

Hope you are able to work through to whatever can help you in your situation.